As I begin to write this, my face is scrunched up and tears are falling down my face....
I hate this. I hate everything. I feel like I'm NOTHING. The only friends in real life I have are from the past...if that makes sense. We rarely see each other and I don't even feel they really know me. Because if they did, they'd probably never even talk to me at all. Contact with these people are rare.
I've just graduated college. I feel I have absolutely no skills whatsoever. I wasted away so much time. All it was was a distraction from what I'd have to face.
Why can't I figure out what I want? Why do I have so much trouble connecting with people? Why can't I just go out and have fun? Be carefree and content with myself and comfortable around others?
Why are there no support/self-help groups here for this problem? Why do there seem to be no opportunities to get better? How can I get better when I have nobody to even go out with? I can't even meet friends through a friend because I don't really have any real friends where I live. And I've been here for 4 years. I lost all the friends I made the first year (though how close I was to them to begin with is debatable) through stupid issues and my tendency to push people away when I think they've rejected me.
I feel so, so, so, so, so pathetic now. I'm just so boring. I never have anything to talk about, because I never do anything. The only time I get out is for a walk. At least I'm doing that. But still.....that's time to myself. I pass people, but that doesn't really count.
I don't meet people through work, because it's not an interactive job. I'm behind a computer the whole time. And I don't really go to the break room....the times I do go in, I just sit by myself because I don't really know anyone. And how can you get to know new people when you only get 5-10 min breaks anyway?
I'm just very isolated. The only people I really have in real life are my immediate family....but none of them live here. And even if they did, that's no substitute for real friends. Friends you can laugh with, hang out with, chat about things with, hold secrets with....
I just hate this. And I hate myself even more for it. I feel useless and worthless. The friends I thought I have connected with usually just end up moving on without me. I'm like a stepping stone for other people's lives. That is all.
Is this how it's always going to be? I had trouble making (and keeping friends) even as child.
I am so TERRRIFIED of the future. I don't feel I have any capabilities at all. How am I going to get a proper job? I seriously lack references.
I've avoided these issues for all my life....and it's catching up with me, hitting me like a ton of bricks again. Tonight I started looking up "opportunities" that are out there....and I just started freaking out....thinking....'I'm not good enough, I have no skills, I'm not outgoing....how in the heck am I to get a job anywhere?'
I feel like the biggest loser ever. Is there any way out? I'm starting to feel the hopelessness I've felt before, and I don't want to sink any deeper.
I can't live life like this forever. But I don't know how to progress, how to climb out of this deep, deep hole I've kept digging for myself all these years.
Is this pointless? Probably. I don't expect anyone to have any answers for me..because are there any answers? I don't know what I want. So how do I know what direction to take?
I just had to share this. Anonymously, I guess. I have internet friends, but they can only do so much. I'm sick of laying all my crap on people who don't deserve to hear it. You guys don't deserve to hear it either. I'll probably feel bad for posting it.
I don't blame anyone for not reading it either, though. It's a horrible, negative post.
I just want to.............oh, nevermind. :'(
(Thanks for listening, if anyone reads this.)