First off, thank you all so very much for your responses and acknowledging my thread. I wasn't expecting much since this forum is so large and I've not posted much around here. It did feel good just to let that out. It just seems that everything builds and builds and builds and then finally accumulates to such an extent that I start feeling so smothered and buried under a mountain of problems. I feel a little less alone now, though I also hate knowing that so many other people can relate in their own ways.
I'm really sorry are feeling so terrible! Do you live in an isolated area?
They might have a group in your area. This isn't a whining group but they teach you standard psychology and behavioral skills but it is relaxed and no one ever forces you to participate ever. You can sit there and watch. And it is free. If you want to give a dollar for a donation when a basket comes around that is okay, if not, that is okay.
Thanks for the link...I've never heard of that one before. But unfortunately, there's only one group within a 100 mile radius of me, and that's 77 miles away. :S
I live in a "city" or big town. I'd have thought coming here I'd have more opportunities, but for SA it seems you have to live in a major city or something. There's nothing where I live for it.
It was a good post. If you think feeling like crap is bad try not feeling anything. That's right, my problems are worse and I win.
Sorry I didn't realize it was a competition for who had it worse. :P I know the feeling, though, and I am sorry you're at that point. I've been there before and am afraid all the time that I could easily get there again. I'm trying not to let myself sink that much....(assuming I can try to prevent it, if possible :S Depression can definitely bring me down fast when an episode occurs.)
You feel like a nothing? I know how that feels. Before the self love exploded within me (and boy was I surprised when that happened), I had a particularly violent self hatred. Very aggressive to me. I still have issues about my looks and seeing myself in photos but the self love is winning. Which is amazing just to write.
May I ask how you came to achieve this? Was it through therapy or something else? I'd love to feel true self-love for myself.
And in order to have a picture where you think you are a nothing, you had to filter out and hide positives about yourself. So, where did you put them? Not saying the bad things you think about yourself aren't true because you'd counter that as the belief system sounds quite strong. But there are positives about yourself that you've hidden. So, find them. Get back in touch with them. Balance the picture out and see what you can discover. You may surprise yourself. And wouldn't it be wonderful to discover some positive surprises about yourself?
I know you make an excellent point here...but somehow this just doesn't help me. All I can ever come up with is that I consider myself to be a pretty understanding and compassionate person. But that doesn't exactly get me anywhere. :S I'd love to work with people and help other people improve their lives, but at the same time all these social problems I have keep me from doing it...which sort of makes me feel selfish since I'm so scared of putting myself out there.
I went to a therapist once for a couple of sessions. She gave me an "assignment" to come up with 25 things I liked about myself. I couldn't do it. I ended up not going back. :/
Well, if you haven't sought out therapy/medications I'd suggest it. What have you to lose? What I do to feel social while not being social is going to Barnes N' Noble and reading. You're around people, and you're out of the house being productive. If nothing else you're broadening yourself as an individual by reading and learning and this also gives you something to talk about as well.
I went to a couple of therapy sessions. I also visited with the uni's counselor/psychologist person a couple of times. I don't know...*sigh* It just didn't seem very helpful to me (even though I went only a few times) It's like....nothing that resulted felt new. I already know my patterns and what I need to do (I should go out and volunteer...or start a new hobby...or get a more social job or whatever...just to get out there with people). I've been telling myself I'd volunteer for years. I just can't seem to bring myself to do it.
And I know in the end, it all comes down to me taking action.
As for meds, they kind of scare me. In terms of "social anxiety" I'm not sure they'd help. Because those mainly just help tame physical symptoms, right? Most of my problems are with my thinking....and major avoidance (I think I might have an avoidant personality...and apparently, I read, that's very hard to change?) So, I don't know. Maybe it might help with depression, but that seems to come and go and I'm just reluctant to turn to medication since I don't think it solves everything and comes with side effects.
I do have some therapy tapes I listen to (Dr. Richards)....but that's still all work that has to be done with myself. No one to speak with directly or anything.
I think what would help me most is some shyness/SA group, just to get the practice with actual people....but I haven't found any such groups in existence anywhere near where I live. This depresses me greatly.
Okay....and this may be a VERY STUPID question.....but about Barnes N Nobles and other bookstores.....can you just pick up some of their material and read it there without paying for it and put it back on the shelf afterwards? Or do you have to buy something or bring in your own stuff to read? I feel really dumb for asking, but I've seen others reading there before and have thought about going there to read, but just didn't know. Like I said, don't know if that's the dumbest question ever or not. I'm just not exactly wealthy. I just don't know what's acceptable at the bookstores???? :/
....The important thing, as John Lennon sang in one of my favourite songs, is to hold on and keep going, doing the best you can. And some day when you least expect it you may find some happiness and peace for your troubled soul though its hard now to see the sunrise when you’re in the middle of the night.
I don’t know if this helps you but I know it helps me when I find myself in the grip of depression and anxiety. I also think about this quote about hope by Joan Chittister:
‘’ Hope is what sits by a window and waits for one more dawn, despite the fact that there isn’t an ounce of proof in tonight’s black, black sky that it can possibly come’’.
I wish you all the best and I hope you overcome the problems you face. Just always remember that you’re not alone in what you face.
Thanks for your thought-provoking post and quotes. I do feel a little less alone.
Anyway, thanks again to EVERYONE who posted and gave me some encouragement to keep on going and trying. I appreciate it so very much. I hope we all continue trying to move forward and with success.