The hardest aspect from Social Anxiety hasn't been the lack of friends, or the lack of communication skills, nor is it missing out on fun things to do.
What i have found to be the most depressing, is that i feel like a stranger within my own family, my closest relatives. Up to the point the only thing i feel to share with my mom is the same roof we are still under.
I feel a barrier to talk about my issues because i am afraid to show my emotions, even to my most beloved ones, my protective shell in my mind keeps telling me to keep my composure, don't show your weaknesses, they might think i failed them, it strengthens my belief that they might be better off without me. And thereby most of my relatives are occupied with their own problems, so why bother them....As matter of fact, all the conversations i have with my relatives, on a deeper note, are quite shallow, limited to the daily activities.
As a result i barely even speak to my mom, brother and sisters about my problems and emotions.
I feel the need to pour my heart to somebody, anybody....up until now i found it unlogical to share my problems first with complete strangers, yet fellow sufferers, rather than my family.
Now i have realized that it doesn't necessarily matter to whom you talk about your problems, but more importantly is that you actually talk about it.
This whole situation is like a spiral in which i tumble downwards and can't crawl up to climb back up.
I am afraid that my social anxiety is getting this deep rooted, that i slowly slip away from the people who accept me as i am and don't judge me unlike the rest of the society. I see it happening, but i can't change it.