Don't feel like a real man - Social Anxiety Forum
X

Download the SAS Android App

Or switch to mobile version of the forums

X

Download the SAS iPhone App

Or switch to mobile version of the forums

Help/FAQLog InJoin SAS
Go Back   Social Anxiety Forum > Recovery > Frustration

Reply
Old 04-28-2009, 02:16 PM   #1 (permalink)
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Gender: Male
Age: 25
Posts: 388



Default Don't feel like a real man

I don't feel like a real man.

I still live with my mother. I don't have a job (although I'm taking a few classes in community college). I've never done anything with a woman (never had a date in my life). I am shy and socialy anxious and have to have my mother do things for me - I cannot be a bigger man and do things for myself. I still feel like a naive little 12 year old that is clueless as to how the world works.

I was raised on a farm and came from kind of a blue collar upbringing where the men were expected to be real men - get a job, move out, fend for yourself and stand up for yourself, you know, just be a MAN. My father died when I was 14 so I was raised by my mother throughout my teenage years and I can't help but think she almost "feminized" me in a way (no offense to any females here). If my dad was alive then he would have kicked my butt and had me be more responsible for myself. I'm not saying I want to be a "real man" i.e. drinking beer and watching football, I just feel like I need to be an independent adult. Sick of being a "mama's boy."

Any other people (particularly males) out there struggling with this, being in society and not feeling like a responsible adult?
alex999 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2009, 03:16 PM   #2 (permalink)
 
Status: Permanently Banned
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Tampere / Finland
Gender: Male
Age: 26
Posts: 20



Default

I definitely relate to you. Deep inside I still somehow feel like a little child; feeling so naive and blue-eyed... I think I was always too kind to never really independent from my mom: she has always been very overprotective, and very, very caring. On the other hand my dad is very skilled in everything I connect to manhood (fixing motors etc...). I have never really felt like I'm at the same level. He has also often finished things for me if I have not instantly succeeded, guess he has just tryed to help...

Last year I was in a bus full of students of my age. Suddenly there was a man waving us to stop. There had been a motorcycle accident, and the driver was still stucked under the bike. So he called for men to help him to move the bike... What did I do? I just took more comfortable position, saying to myself "luckily I am just a little kid, let the men go to help him". Instantly, I realized what I had just said, and at the same time saw those guys of my age to go. :S I know guys, who had for sure gone at the age of 16!
anzoh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2009, 03:26 PM   #3 (permalink)
 
mardy423's Avatar
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Georgia
Gender: Male
Age: 27
Posts: 453



Default

I can relate. I was raised by my grandparents. I guess they "spoiled" me by doing things for me and being extremly over protective of me. Most people my age have moved out, gotten a good job, graduated college or something else good. I'm 22 now, and I still don't even have a drivers license, but I am learning how to drive though. GAH, i wish things could have been different for me when i was younger. Because I am 22, and really don't act my age, I don't have any friends. I did once have a girlfriend, but she said she couldnt take it anymore and left me after 3 years.
mardy423 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2009, 06:02 PM   #4 (permalink)
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: BC
Age: 30
Posts: 1,995



Default

I can relate for the most part. I'm 25, I live at home with my dad. He would let me do what I want if I could ever do what I want.

While I do have a steady full time job and I can survive, my job pays like ****. I've never been on a date. I can't communicate with people on a social level. It's by far the most depressing part of my life.

I also have no idea how a lot of things in this world work. For example, I just bought a car. I let my dad do most of the talking about sticker prices, interest rates, etc. All I know is that I'm paying $500/month for a new car for the next 5 years. Thank god I'm not a home owner. Even after learning about some of this stuff in high school, I couldn't tell you what a mortgage is or how it works. That's just two examples of my ignorance of how life works.
PGVan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2009, 06:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
 
Status: User Requested Ban - Permanent
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 2,331



Default

Same here.
Thomas Paine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2009, 06:48 PM   #6 (permalink)
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 2,122



Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by alex999 View Post
My father died when I was 14 so I was raised by my mother throughout my teenage years and I can't help but think she almost "feminized" me in a way
Remember Fight Club ? That guy who created the club was raised by mother only. He was a real man there.
Some Russian Guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2009, 09:58 PM   #7 (permalink)
 
Bredwh's Avatar
 
Status: Single White He-male
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Delhi, NY, USA (in the Catskills)
Gender: Male
Age: 28
Posts: 811



Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Some Russian Guy View Post
Remember Fight Club ? That guy who created the club was raised by mother only. He was a real man there.
Yes, but most serial killers were raised by their mothers or just had domineering mothers.
I'm not sure what I'm getting at, just a fact I find interesting.

Anyway, I am same way in many respects. I graduated from the community college in my town last year and still live with my parents. My dad is still alive but is not home often as he is a dairy farmer at my Granpa's farm along with my uncle too. I often feel like a 12 year old too because I missed out on all the social stuff in high school and whatnot. I don't think I'm a "mama's boy" but I still am pretty dependent on my parents and don't have a job. I like living at home though and don't want to leave, in fact the thought scares me.
Bredwh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2009, 11:08 PM   #8 (permalink)
 
shyvr6's Avatar
 
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Feb 2008
Gender: Male
Age: 36
Posts: 26,518



Default

I wouldn't mind experiencing what it's like to be a manly man.
shyvr6 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-29-2009, 01:30 AM   #9 (permalink)
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 2,122



Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bredwh View Post
Yes, but most serial killers were raised by their mothers or just had domineering mothers.
I'm not sure what I'm getting at, just a fact I find interesting.
I also heard that it's those who have trouble with women.
But why do they become like that ? Where can I read on this subject, on the internet ?
Some Russian Guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-29-2009, 02:27 AM   #10 (permalink)
 
DAV3's Avatar
 
Status: Going with the Flow
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Virginia
Gender: Male
Age: 25
Posts: 78



Default

Yeah I can totally relate to ya man. I was taken away from my old man when I was about 4 years old. There was a nasty divorce and my Mother got custody of my brother and I. I still saw my Dad occasionally but I was pretty much with my Mom for 90% of the time. I would sometimes have thoughts that I was a mama's boy or that I wasn't a real man because I was raised by my Mom. I used to even blame my SA on the divorce. But in the long run it was probably a good thing, my Dad had a ton of mental issues that ultimately would have made me turn out tons worse than I did had he played a bigger part in my life.

You have to remember that these feelings of inferiority to other guys likely comes from the irrational thoughts that come with SA. Keep your chin up buddy, things will get better. Focus on finding your passion in life and don't worry about little things like being a real man. Not every guy is destined to be a man's man even if your family expects it from you. You have to follow your own path in life and you can do it at your own pace.
DAV3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-29-2009, 02:40 AM   #11 (permalink)
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 10



Default

Check out this serial killer named Ed Gein (just google him). He was very feminine as a child and when he grew up he took pleasure in killing women, ripping their skins off and wearing female skin as clothes.
Ashiene is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-29-2009, 03:10 AM   #12 (permalink)
 
Status: calm
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 264



Default

being a man means taking charge and care of things. get yourself a job, earn money, get an apartment later a gf. this is just the natural way to go. make the first move.
you arent physically not a man, not even mentally. just you are being passive like a woman (no offense but some wifes are really unable to do anything without their man)
you will get your manhood back by starting acting. first the doing then the feeling good about it, not the other way round!
Dothan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-29-2009, 07:00 PM   #13 (permalink)
 
gtbullitt's Avatar
 
Status: repeat offender
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Small Town USA
Age: 27
Posts: 69



Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dothan View Post
being a man means taking charge and care of things. get yourself a job, earn money.... this is just the natural way to go......... just you are being passive like a woman (no offense but some wifes are really unable to do anything without their man)
really?
where are we getting these textbook ideas of "manhood"?
what you just described as steps to manhood can easily apply to women too.
you described growing up.

To me, a real man is someone who won't leave their family behind.
__________________
so i dont buy green bananas
i dont play the lottery
right now's all i've got goin
yeah and that's just fine with me
and i dont own an umbrella
if it rains im gonna get wet
so i dont buy green bananas
cause i don't plan that far ahead
gtbullitt is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2009, 03:18 AM   #14 (permalink)
 
calexandre's Avatar
 
Status: Purveyor of evil pillows
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Singapore
Gender: Male
Age: 30
Posts: 315



Default

Quote:
being a man means taking charge and care of things. get yourself a job, earn money, get an apartment later a gf. this is just the natural way to go. make the first move.
you arent physically not a man, not even mentally. just you are being passive like a woman (no offense but some wifes are really unable to do anything without their man)
you will get your manhood back by starting acting. first the doing then the feeling good about it, not the other way round!
This is virtually the most disgusting post I've read today.

You cannot fault others for how they are brought up or how they decide to live their lives.

There are many definitions of what "manhood" refers to in personality. One of them is daring to voice one's opinion disregarding personal safety such that we may prove a point.

Thus, I could see that everyone on this thread has passed that definition, original poster included, and there is no need to create an adversarial relationship when the fundamental of our being here is to help.

Quote:
but think she almost "feminized" me in a way (no offense to any females here).
There were a number of women in my life whose lives were so full of pain they could not express themselves openly for fear of retribution. Creating rapport with them thus relies partly on the ability of you, maleness aside, interacting with them as a fellow female would, in terms of compassion, empathy and other homely traits.

There's nothing wrong if a male has feminine traits, as the real live examples here demonstrates, there usually is an underlying reason for it. It will give the person a unique way of interacting with others and those skills can make a great difference later on in their lives when a soft approach is desirable.

It's just a matter of presentation - whatever strengths you have from your upbringing, use them for a good cause and develop your own personality out of it.

What gives me credentials to criticise is the fact that I'm brought up as a female, and working conditions in the corporate world do not change that orientation. It's always the women getting the short end of the stick.

So I did the manly thing and turned the tables around.

Welcome to the 21st Century. Minus the chauvinism.
__________________
Warning: The views of this individual may not conform to conventional reasoning.
calexandre is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2009, 04:20 AM   #15 (permalink)
 
Status: Permanently Banned
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Nowhere
Gender: Male
Age: 24
Posts: 95



Default

Being a man means being confindent, being able to kick anyone *** and shout louder than others. That what is a real man.
Pathetic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2009, 05:29 AM   #16 (permalink)
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Gender: Male
Age: 30
Posts: 260



Default

I used to feel this way, I still sometimes do. But I'm not sure what a "man" is anymore. Who defines being a "man"? other men? society? if so who cares?

Is someone who gets abused all their life, and defeats their abuser but then ends up living at home less of a man than someone who has a easy life, is loved but moves out and becomes independent? Who can say unless you have experienced both sides of the fence. You put the independent male into the shoes of the abused male, and he may falter...who knows?

A true reality must exist, but human perception of it is always subjective.
BeatingSAwithastick is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2009, 05:58 AM   #17 (permalink)
 
calexandre's Avatar
 
Status: Purveyor of evil pillows
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Singapore
Gender: Male
Age: 30
Posts: 315



Default

Quote:
Being a man means being confindent, being able to kick anyone *** and shout louder than others. That what is a real man.
You mean charge off in a blaze of glory and die? Not exactly the best strategy. In our generation it's less of gender distinction and more of earning a successful living and starting your own little empire, in whichever way possible. The only person who could define the qualities of a successful man or woman is the one who has experienced success in life.

Being a barbarian isn't going to do that. Brains are more important than brawn.
__________________
Warning: The views of this individual may not conform to conventional reasoning.
calexandre is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2009, 03:20 PM   #18 (permalink)
 
Status: User Requested Permanent Ban
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: St. Louis
Age: 57
Posts: 3,567



Default

Most men (and most women) see the gaudy examples of how we're supposed to be and try to imitate those examples. Most of us end up being poor imitations of a crappy ideal. Ignoring the ideals leads to a certain amount of scorn, or possibly invisibility. Neither good, but I suspect that genuine self respect is the reward for authentically accepting or rejecting all or part of the ideal. I wouldn't know, because I'm still thinking of taking up mixed martial arts so I can kick some *****, but maybe some day I'll get real.
Atticus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2009, 04:45 PM   #19 (permalink)
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,954



Default

This thread can potentially be offensive, but I think it is up to us to rise above that and respond to the thread like responsible adults.

If someone feels like closing the thread I hope he/ she reconsiders, because, for men with social anxiety problems... fitting the ideal of "a real man" IS AN ISSUE.

I understand what the guy is saying, and I also understand the opinions of the women here.

But as Atticus put it, people in general, society still have a general idea of what a "real man" is, and quite frankly sitting cand complaining about your life's problems with S.A.D. is NOT part of most people's definition.
Note I am being self critical as well, in no way am I claiming to be above the cut.

It is not so much about "women can do those things also" its about, men are EXPECTED to do those things. Men are expected to be confident at all times men are expected to [ inject known stereotype here ].


Remember, it is S.A.D that causes this conflict in ideals in the first place. It is called social anxiety for a reason. Without S.A. we would be able to keep a steady job, not be concerned with petty insults, always rise to the occasion, not have problems attracting women and our manhood would not be questioned nearly as much.
VIncymon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-30-2009, 04:48 PM   #20 (permalink)
 
Prodigal Son's Avatar
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: The Wastelands (Kansas)
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,110



Default

Yeah, gender roles and social norms are really strong at conditioning individuals. They're definitely impressionable. I don't think we will ever completely get rid of them, haha it is interesting that many had a different take on "what a real man is" and it was never clearly defined.
__________________
I know you can see me. Bad guys always see me. My plans suck. People die. It's always a mess.
Prodigal Son is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Sometimes I feel like nothing is real.. Asthmatic. Secondary Disorders 34 03-13-2014 10:26 PM
Bad trip. Now feel like I am not a real person. Orchid20 Frustration 13 01-31-2009 09:11 AM
I feel like less of a man.... DudeHere Relationships 2 09-14-2008 10:35 PM
I feel real jittery on Paxil tednugent2007 Medication 8 05-15-2008 10:05 PM
Feel Like a Man? scairy General Discussion 23 01-15-2008 10:16 PM

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:07 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® ©2000-2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc. User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging v3.1.0 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2014 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.