I'm so sick of myself. I hate having social anxiety and I hate struggling with this daily. I'm 27 now and I just hate myself and everything else.
I can manage to go to college and keep a job but just barely. I find interacting with coworkers incredibly hard. In class presentations I freak out, shake and start stuttering and can't control myself.
Just today I had to meet with my advisor to set up my plan of study for my masters degree, and as soon as i sat down in his office, I started freaking out. i try to control it so hard buti cant help it. i hate it so bad! I started trembling, and my head does this thing where it shakes and jerks around and I can't control that either. I couldn't make eye contact with him, had to keep my head down and looked at the floor or off to the side, didn't hear anything he said and i couldnt sit still. i also for some reason started laughing for no reason at all??
this happens to me all the time in social situations. people think i am a freak and they act like im insane and maybe i am.
ii want to be normal so bad. i tried to seek counseling on campus at the center (its free) but the counselor was so rude to me..she accussed me of being lazy and said i only wanted her to do the work for me and that i need to take responsibility for myself, she told me since i am a counseling major i should already know how to help myself, and she kept on harrassing about everything. i ended up in tears and just left her office.
i feel like im never going to get anywhere in life. i never get ahead at work bc people always overlook me. nothing special has ever happened to me. life just seems pointless. id rather be dead, andi think of suicide often.