I really don't know what to do about it anymore. I've tried distracting myself, picking up new hobbies, creating things. I exercise. I eat healthy.
But I think my lack of meaningful or close relationships keeps me from ever feeling fulfilled.
I basically don't have a social life anymore. I go to school and come home. When I don't have school, I try to fill up my days doing errands or going to cafes or libraries to study. But that's all I ever do. I don't do anything "fun" or anything that involves other people. The few friends I do have I rarely see. They never invite me out anywhere, though it's not like I ever call them up or anything either. It just feels like we don't have much in common anymore, like they wouldn't want to hang out if I asked...
Whenever I try to reach out and make new friends, it never works out. We don't connect. Maybe I creep them out. I don't know. But the fact that the few times I've tried and it hasn't worked out, just makes me feel really deficient, incapable...
I have a ton of homework to do this weekend and I can't focus because I'm so overwhelmed with these negative feelings. I feel worthless.
This is so pathetic. Why can't I just be strong and do the work I have to do? Instead I'm so needy or co-dependent or something, that I've just been sitting at my kitchen table crying, ignoring the pile of homework I have. I've had a pattern of not doing well in school because of episodes like this. I really hate myself. I don't know how to deal with the loneliness anymore.
You are not needy or codependent , it's all biology to want close relationships and that's how humanity has survived for years and years, we are connected in a way that even if we are physically apart our minds yearn to share moments together because it's only natural and healthy to do so.
You are doing the right thing to fill the holes with activities, hobbies and so but the lack of feed back is killing you. That is a hole that innanimate objects and ideas cannot fill, human energy is unique in the sense that it will never be replaced.You are not pathetic for realizing that .
When you stop to do your school work it is your subconscious trying to make space where a relationship needs to be taking place, but there's not so depression is sent through your body as a reaction to let you know and take action.
A successful action taking plan begin with balance , not so much externally though. You already said you are doing things, trying to keep busy but the real balance starts inside. Always write what you really want out of life, engage in positive conversation with yourself about your real goals and not the goals of SA for your life, meditate, look for reasons to feel great instead of down.
Little by little it can be done,no pressure..