I haven't yet introduced myself here. I found the site because I'm looking for relief to this issue that's been ailing me. I just posted this same thing on Yahoo Answers. Anyway, I hope this is the right forum to post this in.
My mother was always a feminist who, in her own words, "went and got the guy she wanted". When she was 24 she married my dad, an alpha "manly man". She failed to dominate him and he would not be a b*tch to her irrational feelings and god complex. So she divorced him when I was 2 and my sister was 1.
She married another guy who has basically been her subordinate ever since. So I had no male role model but instead a suffocating, domineering mother. The only times I would visit my dad he would mock and tease me for being either a *****, or emotionally unstable like my mother.
I'm 26 now. Although I have had sex with several girls, I've been afraid of them my whole life and my shyness and inability to approach the girls I've wanted has resulted in many lost opportunities for love and experience, and I've been miserable my whole life because of it, hating myself. When I was in high school a lot of girls flirted with me, but I was immobilized by fear, so I never even flirted. Some people thought I was gay. Girls and guys, all because I was shy, insecure and couldn't assert myself.
When I was 23 I became a junkie and after 2 years I moved back into my mother's home to get clean. It's been two years. I basically sunk into another hole and became my mother's b*tch again. I couldn't find a job so I clean the home everyday to contribute. It was that or pay rent with money I don't have.
So today I'm f'ed up, I hate my parents because I became a failed man with no confidence or ability to assert myself. I posted this today because I had a conversation with my mother last night. She accused me of "never having a girlfriend" because of my inability to deal with the fact that my own sister was sexually molested when I was maybe 3 or 4. It's bull**** cause I have no recollection and I know my mom's the reason I'm a mess. I resent her sense of faultlessness.
I'm a musician and I'm going on a busking trip in June, so I'm gonna get away from this hole for while. It's also to try and quit the drug-rehab meds I've been on. I don't know yet if I'll come back or not because my sister is here with bi-polar and borderline and she needs constant attention because medications don't work. Anyway so even if I leave again I'm still taking my anxiety and insecurities with me.
I know some people never become like me. They rise up from situations and become strong people. So some might consider me a cry baby, which I am to some extent, but I can't help it, and I've been trying to "fix" myself my whole life, conflicted between my nature and my desire for self-improvement. I'm already consumed by regret for all the opportunities I've lost, the fact that I've missed out on so many experiences. What can I do to change?