23 years old, going crazy from loneliness
I'm a 23 year old girl with no friends. I've never been on a date, and never so much as held hands with a guy. I live with my parents. I have a part time job (jobs are pretty scarce where I am) and on my days off I sit around by myself with no where to go and no one to talk to.
I work in retail, and while I can look the customers in the eye and help them when approached, I am unable to approach them, or greet them when I walk by. On the few occasions that I have said hi, they usually just look at me like I have two heads and ignore me. So then I'm embarrassed and don't attempt it again. My bosses don't know that when a customer enters an aisle I'm working in, I usually have to turn away. Sometimes my hands are even slightly jittery. If they found out that I don't speak to customers until spoken to, I'd be in serious trouble. I already got fired from my first job as a cashier because I was so shy that I was deemed "rude" by customers.
I have almost 80 friends on Facebook, but none of them are real friends that I can call up or go out and do anything with. Just people I've worked with and such. My Facebook is depressing as it looks like it's basically just me talking to myself. No one cares what I have to say about anything. I can't post pictures of me out with friends, because I have none.
I can't stand to see my reflection in a mirror when I'm shopping and not expecting it. I always try to avoid it. Everywhere I go I feel so awkward, as if I'm on stage. I'm calculating every little move I make, worrying about what my hands are doing, etc.
I ended up like this after being bullied in grade school to the point where I had to be taken out and homeschooled. My dad having rage problems and dispensing occasional verbal abuse didn't help me to develop a good self esteem growing up. I was homeschoold beginning in early grade 6, and I spent all those years basically isolated. I was never able to make friends, even at homeschool group outings. When I was 13ish I had a neighborhood playmate that I would se once in a while, but she was a few years younger than me and she was always on the go visiting relatives. Around the same age, even until age 15, I was so lonely I was hanging around with a little girl across the street when she was 3-6. It was pathetic, a 14 year old girl watching Telletubbies with a little kid, with the mom asking me awkwardly "Don't you have any friends your own age?"
I took college classes and graduated in '08. Never made any friends. My classes were mostly telecourse of online, since campus is so far away. I did attend some off campus night classes once or twice a week, but no friends. Got my first job at 19, nearly 20 (!!), because I was spoiled, sheltered, and too afraid to go out and get one. Two years later, that's when I was fired. At my current job, my co-workers respect me because I'm a good worker, but then they will sometimes get together after work and I'll be the odd one out, as I've always been. I'll joke and write parodies on Facebook occasionally, and they'll tell me I'm hilarious, but then at work they don't really talk to me much and we're still not friends.
I'm not comfortable in my own skin, and a lot of times when someone looks at me, I'll quick look away. Unless they're speaking to me, then I can look them in the eye for a time. Since I'm SO tense at work around people, and have lousy posture, I end up with back pain in epic proportions, and it makes work hell. I end up gobbling Inbuprofen and Tylenol, and then I have to have a glass of wine after work to help relieve the tension. My tension has also caused other physical problems, such as pelvic floor dysfunction disorder, which is a delightful little disorder that makes it so you're almost always constipated and you can't empty your bladder, so you always have to go. I can fix this with lots of kegel excercises, but I never remember to do them enough. I guess I was raised to be a tense person, the way my father was always yelling at me.
Right now I'm having a bad time of the month, and have been crying. I don't need to be a social butterfly, I just for God's sake would like a couple of friends to go to the mall with, see a movie with, shop with, etc. I would also like to actually find someone to love and who loves me, but I don't see that ever happening. And I would like to be able to be around my customers without being unbearably tense.
It bugs me that if you look up lonely people online, they're either saying "I'm sooo lonely, I have no friends. I do have my boyfriend, but..." or they're saying "I'm sooo lonely. I have a lot of friends, but no boyfriend." Am I the only one my age without friends whose never had a boyfriend either?
I'm on a high dose of Prozac, the only med that ever helped me, and I'm a lot better, but obviously there is still a lot of work to go.