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Old 02-05-2010, 02:38 AM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Default If you are good looking...

If you are good looking, why do you care about low self esteem?

We all agree that one of the major means of gaining human relationships, and general happiness is to have a good self esteem.

But if you are good looking, you already have good odds of acquiring a member of the opposite sex, and even a good chance of being hired for whatever job you want,so why not just skip the self esteem part.

I mean if self esteem is a means to an end, and you're already able to get to the end (interested member of the opposite sex), shouldn't you just skip to the second stage, solidifying a new relationship instead of worrying about whether or not you are worthy of the relationship.

I don't think that things like self esteem can be artificially built. But I think we can learn to live with whatever advantage we may have, as a means of compensating.
So if you're good looking, I would suggest to just skip self esteem and take advantage of all the perks of being good looking.
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Old 02-05-2010, 03:23 AM   #2 (permalink)
 
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Its not quite as easy as that. I am kinda good looking (or so I'm often told by people). Girls approach me, I start acting all shy and I dont know how to be, act or what to say around them. They usually ditch me pretty much asap or at best, have a few dates before they ditch me. This really hurts my self esteem, making my SA worse.
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Old 02-05-2010, 03:25 AM   #3 (permalink)
 
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Uhmm, it's doesn't really work like that..
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Old 02-05-2010, 04:52 AM   #4 (permalink)
 
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Originally Posted by joinmartin View Post
You change. You evolve.

Self confidence isn't a magical principle which a select few are born with, and it's not a badge of valor gained from putting your self through needless struggle or anguish.

Bank robbers, con men, Wall Street fraudsters, etc, have some of the highest self confidence in the world. Not because their actions are benevolent, but because they know they can accomplish what they want to.
And that's all self confidence means.
It means that you are confident that you can get X if you want X, and you can go from point A to point B, if you want to.

I don't think most people here lack self confidence at all. They lack the ability to realize that their confidence should not be based on things that they are inherently bad at, but rather than self confidence by definition is always a de facto knowledge of the things you have always been good at.
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Old 02-05-2010, 05:13 AM   #5 (permalink)
 
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Originally Posted by nemesis1 View Post
Its not quite as easy as that. I am kinda good looking (or so I'm often told by people). Girls approach me, I satart acting all shy and I dont know how to be, act or what to say around them. They usually ditch me pretty much asap or at best, have a few dates before they ditch me. This really hurts my self esteem, making my SA worse.

If you didn't have confidence, you would have taken anything that showed any interest at all. Most people here have confidence to be selective. It is they who are waiting to gain "self confidence" and that in itself is a luxury that only highly confident people have. Low confidence people take whatever they can get without being picky or asking for anything better.

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This really hurts my self esteem, making my SA worse
Nothing can hurt your self esteem.Your self esteem shouldn't change based on the action of someone. Self esteem involves "self" and it's "esteem". Other people should not factor into it.

That action may very well have hurt your self worth. That's the respect you have for your ability to fulfill your ideals. If you are a religious person, your self worth should be based on living a very spiritual life.

But that still should not affect your self esteem. Your self esteem is yours and yours alone. The actions of others should not change it.
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Old 02-05-2010, 05:19 AM   #6 (permalink)
 
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Good looks have nothing to do with it, low self esteem is feeling inferior as a person and fear being judged personality wise, knowledge wise, language wise, what good is it to be good looking and have girls approach you to then feel stunned mentally as to what to say? good looks actually makes SA worse because many try to flirt with you and you're expected to have a bit of self confidence since they assume you were popular in school or whatever...or at least having SA makes you believe they expect you to be that way putting more pressure on you.
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Old 02-05-2010, 06:36 AM   #7 (permalink)
 
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I'm totally with nemesis1 and Wehttam. I'm an attractive, knowledgeable 45 year-old female who hasn't had a date in fifteen years. Men will approach me and I become so flustered that any attempts at conversations fail within minutes. On the rare occasions that I do go out anymore, I often just turn away if it looks like someone might be interested, just to avoid the humiliation and frustration. It makes for an incredibly lonely life...
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Old 02-05-2010, 07:11 AM   #8 (permalink)
 
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Originally Posted by nemesis1 View Post
Its not quite as easy as that. I am kinda good looking (or so I'm often told by people). Girls approach me, I satart acting all shy and I dont know how to be, act or what to say around them. They usually ditch me pretty much asap or at best, have a few dates before they ditch me. This really hurts my self esteem, making my SA worse.
I can relate to that. I wouldn't say I'm good looking, although some girls have said I am. I have an identical twin, and when I was growing up, I overheard a lot of people saying he was better looking than me. We look alike, a lot of people can't tell the difference, but he does have a few features that apparently made him better looking than me. He had more girlfriends than me, and that didn't help my self esteem. But he wasn't any better off than me, in terms of self-esteem. When you have anxiety (we both do) and there's physical symptoms involved (like this ) it's hard to have much self-confidence.
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Old 02-05-2010, 07:49 AM   #9 (permalink)
 
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I fail to see how looks have anything to do with SA ... Its all about how you socialize not how you look ... And self esteem can indeed be effected by other people .. constant abuse and put downs will effect you over time ..
I am 51 and this is very first time in my life that I feel comfy in my own skin (looks wise) , but I do know that many people have said I was attractive all my life and that had nothing to do with my social issue's..
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Old 02-05-2010, 08:06 AM   #10 (permalink)
 
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I never understood beautiful people complaining myself. Every single attractive person I've ever met has testified to hating their own beauty. They feel winning the genetic lottery has given them too much attention. So either every beautiful person I meet is an exception to a perceived advantage, or they're being honest and beauty does bring some downsides. I suppose my own bitterness from being on the bottom end of the pyramid prevents me from seeing their problems. Maybe there should be beautiful-people self-help groups.
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Old 02-05-2010, 08:07 AM   #11 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OKdOut View Post
If you didn't have confidence, you would have taken anything that showed any interest at all. Most people here have confidence to be selective. It is they who are waiting to gain "self confidence" and that in itself is a luxury that only highly confident people have. Low confidence people take whatever they can get without being picky or asking for anything better.
Wrong.

I have little confidence and low self-esteem, but that doesnt mean I would date a girl who i wasnt attracted to. Although I have tried to do that before, i deaded it pretty quickly as it just felt so wrong trying to force myself to get with someone who i have no attraction to.
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Old 02-05-2010, 08:16 AM   #12 (permalink)
 
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One night stands always worked for me...I'm handsom and was able to control my SA with alchohol but the morning after I would just clam up and not be able to say much....but I did have fun......
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Old 02-05-2010, 08:26 AM   #13 (permalink)
 
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Originally Posted by nemesis1 View Post
Wrong.

I have little confidence and low self-esteem, but that doesnt mean I would date a girl who i wasnt attracted to. Although I have tried to do that before, i deaded it pretty quickly as it just felt so wrong trying to force myself to get with someone who i have no attraction to.

Without Confidence
.............Able to get pretty girls
.............Able to get non-pretty girls

With Confidence
.............Able to get pretty girls
.............Able to get non-pretty girls

Nothing changes between the periods of without confidence and with confidence.

It seems to me, that confidence is some magical property from the planet Krypton that only superman has, because most people here clearly can get everything else they want except confidence.

There's nothing to be gained after getting confidence that you can not get before getting confidence. In fact, most people gain confidence after they get the pretty girl, not before. Confidence is more of an appreciation of what you can get and what you have gotten.

I think amnesia will cure your low self confidence. If you forget your past failures, you'll be able to appreciate all the new opportunities that come your way, and that will built self confidence. You don't need to gain self confidence. You need to lose bad memories of failing to adequately use the confidence that you already have.
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Old 02-05-2010, 08:39 AM   #14 (permalink)
 
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Whatever positive message you may have intended here, it's heavily shrouded. I can see at least two problems:

First, people who believe themselves to possess positive attributes -- good looks among them -- will naturally have higher self-esteem. There's an element of circularity here.

Second, basing one's sense of self-worth (and yes, I do believe this term can be used interchangeably with self-esteem) predominately or entirely on physical appearance is an idea so vain and depthless that it's literally offensive. I'd hate to be in the company of anyone so psychologically bankrupt that they'd been forced to support themself on this single fragile shaft.
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Old 02-05-2010, 09:23 AM   #15 (permalink)
 
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People don't want JUST goodlooking... They want someone they can have fun with. There are plenty of goodlooking people, and they'll move on to them.
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Old 02-05-2010, 09:50 AM   #16 (permalink)
 
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Confidence allows you to fully harness your potential. Potential that is composed of your mental and physical attributes. Without confidence, even the best looking guy in the world (whatever that means) can't achieve a fulfilling life.

Good looks do improve the initial impression you make in the eyes of certain - well many - people, since that's what you notice first in a person (yes there are many exceptions). So looks could get you that first date, or first invite to hangout with someone, but sooner or later people will require more than good looks out of you. They will require personality and the ability to hold a decent interesting conversation, among other things. How do good looks help then?
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Old 02-05-2010, 10:27 AM   #17 (permalink)
 
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I do believe that attractive people can have low self-esteem, especially among attractive men, since most women don't seem to be as attracted to looks in men as men are in women.

But I also believe more attractive people might have an advantage as far as combating SA goes. Even if you bluster through an interaction in which someone approaches you with intent and nothing comes of it, you are being exposed to an anxiety provoking situation, and more exposure to that situation will lead to desensitization to that situation. The next time you get approached and there is a pause or the person that approaches seems put off by your attitude, say, "I think you're cute," even if it comes out of the blue. Perhaps they are being put off because they don't think you're attracted to them.

I'm not particularly attractive, but I'm definitely not ugly. I've been approached a few times, and I responded poorly, and that made me feel bad about myself. But then again, I do feel pretty good that I was approached in the first place.
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Old 02-05-2010, 10:28 AM   #18 (permalink)
 
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This reminds me of something that happened to me a while back. One of my friends had dragged me to a bar and I was miserable because I don't drink and felt really uncomfortable there. A man that was sitting at the table next to us got my attention and said "Listen, I'm not trying to pick you up I promise. I just wanted to tell you that you're a beautiful woman and you don't need to be so shy" It was nice that he said that, but at the same time it made me wonder - does that mean you should be shy if you're unattractive?? We'll all be old and wrinkly one day, inner beauty matters too.
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Old 02-05-2010, 11:45 AM   #19 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OKdOut View Post
Without Confidence
.............Able to get pretty girls
.............Able to get non-pretty girls

With Confidence
.............Able to get pretty girls
.............Able to get non-pretty girls
With or without confidence I am only able to get non-pretty girls as they dont intimidate me, pretty girls intimidate the hell out of me.

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Originally Posted by OKdOut View Post

I think amnesia will cure your low self confidence. If you forget your past failures, you'll be able to appreciate all the new opportunities that come your way, and that will built self confidence. You don't need to gain self confidence. You need to lose bad memories of failing to adequately use the confidence that you already have.
I really wish i could forget about past failures, as all i have is memories of rejection and embarrassment when it it comes to approaching (pretty) girls. I also have fear of rejection, which doesnt help matters.

Also, how do you propose I get amnesia? Smash myself over the head with a bat in the hope it deletes my bad memories? Its not like you can get amnesia in a tablet or something.....
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Old 02-05-2010, 01:52 PM   #20 (permalink)
 
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People won't see it if you can't see it in yourself. I don't know why - that is just the way it is.
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