I've been really wanting to connect with people lately and it's motivated me to really open myself up in a friendly way. Sometimes I see it in my coworkers faces that they think one way of me that's not entirely true. I used to be ok with the fact that people may not understand me but it's becoming bothersome now. There have been times when people have tried to connect with me and I shun them out in a selfish manner, almost as if to say "when I'm ready to connect we'll connect", or at least that's how I feel. My coworkers tell me that they think I find them annoying and that bothers me. This time however I think I do have to blame myself and not because I'm shy but because I'm just not being friendly, and that's not who I want to be anymore. Same thing in class, I feel people view me as "holier than thou" and I really don't want that title. I separate myself from people in class not because I feel I'm better than them but because I want to focus in class as well as not worry about being stressed out. It's stupid to do this because it just separates me further from who I am and who I want to be. I just have a real big push to want to connect with people. I used to not really care if I did but now I want to connect with everyone in a friendly manner. I want people to know that I'm kind and supportive and I don't want them to feel like they can't befriend me. Ugh, it's such a horrible feeling inside to know that I work with such great and loving people and my petty emotional problems detour them from me, making me this thing that I do not want to be. I'm so sick and tired of going through life with a chip on my shoulder and assuming a role of disinterest. People bring much more to my life than I ever knew possible that it's a terrible shame not to want to connect with those around me, even if it's just a smile, a wave, a hello. I'm not just here to go places with my own concerns in mind and ignore the rest of the world, none of us are. We need to connect with those around us and show and give love because it's so powerful and it doesn't isolate us. I have some things I want to do now with those I come in daily contact with. I want them to know how much I appreciate them and respect them because I do. They are just a part of my life as anything else in this world. I'm not that person who doesn't want love. I don't want to pout and wine about things and I don't want to run from my fears. I don't want the world to think I don't appreciate them. I really do think that people bring more joy in my life than anything else if I could just learn to appreciate and love them more.
10-02-2009, 03:25 AM
I want people to know I appreciate them
