Originally Posted by Leonardo Mattei
You're a great person, but i dont i can be like you. People always treated me like **** and i will never forget that and their indifference towards me. Ican't even trust them, cause i know for sure that sooner or later they're gonna reject me and kick me out of their life or group for the stupidest reason and without thinking two seconds about it.
I don't know if i will manage to stop hating them for that. I don't know if i even want to.
How could i love everyone if they never even tried to love me?
I was bullied badly in school. I've been beaten multiple times. I was taken out into a field and beaten by a group of guys. They told me they'd hurt my friend if I told anyone or defended myself. I've had my own life threatened repeatedly. People told me to kill myself. I've been robbed, exploited, and cheated on. I know what it's like to be treated horribly.
I'm not telling you you have to forgive anyone else
to get better, because you don't. But you have to forgive yourself
for being weak, for having OCD and SA and any other problems you have, because if you don't forgive yourself for being human you will never recover. If you hold onto this belief that people who have flaws should be hated, you will continue to hate and attack yourself for having flaws. You can see that, can't you?
You attack yourself because you believe you deserve it. If you fail at something, you punish yourself. If you see someone you're attracted to and don't talk to her, you see your own weakness and attack yourself for being weak; if you do summon the courage to talk to her and she rejects you, you see your own failure and attack yourself for failing.
Your fear of this self-inflicted punishment makes you afraid to try things you might fail at. Then, the further you fall behind, the more you punish yourself, and the more afraid you will be to try to do the things you need to do to get better. You're doing more damage to yourself by holding onto this belief -- that you need to be punished for being weak, and for failing -- than other people have done to you. You got
that belief from other people -- from your parents, your peers, culture, wherever -- and they do punish you for being weak and for failing, but they are wrong
to punish you, and you don't deserve to be punished. I don't deserve to be punished for being what I am; but I am punished. People hate, despise, mock and ridicule me. And if I agreed with other people that I deserve to be punished, I would have killed myself a long time ago. I almost did kill myself because I thought I deserved to die. But I rejected their beliefs, and now no one has the power to make me hate myself.
You don't have to punish yourself. You're choosing to punish yourself, because that's what you've been taught to do. But you can forgive yourself instead. You can love yourself no matter in what ways you are weak or fail. You can love yourself even if not a single other person in the world loves you. Loving yourself is a much more effective tool for change than hating and punishing yourself, because you will no longer fear yourself and be divided against yourself. Success is the best revenge; the best way to get back at the people who hate and despise you is to reject their opinion of you and love yourself despite what they say.
You asked me how I fixed my self-esteem; this is how I've done it. It's not easy, because it requires you to think in ways that go contrary to your experience, your education, and the opinions of others. You must forgive yourself for being human so that you don't fear yourself. So that you have the courage to try and the strength to withstand failure. But this isn't how most people get their self-esteem.
Most people feel good about themselves because they have had the good fortune to be born rich, or attractive, or smart, or popular, and to have grown up in supportive environments. Their self-esteem is based on their success and the good opinions of other people. That's why the usual advice for correcting self-esteem is to improve yourself -- so that you can be successful and win the approval of other people. But that kind of self-esteem will always be fragile.
My recommendation is for you to do both: to continue to work on improving yourself in whatever way possible -- by educating yourself, by writing, by working out -- anything you can do to make yourself feel better about yourself. But always forgive yourself for your mistakes and limitations. You never chose to be weak or afraid, you never chose to have OCD or SA; these are things that happened to you. Give yourself permission to be imperfect. Your ability to tolerate and forgive other people is just a side-effect of this perspective. You don't have to forgive anyone, but you might find that you no longer care about them anyway.
I could be genuine and honest and screwed over.. I wish I was a simpleton sometimes. That I could just be brainwashed and that I didn't see every angle and plan so damn much haha.
I am genuine and honest, but I don't let people take advantage of me. If someone is imposing on me, I tell them, and I refuse to do what they ask. That is genuine and honest behavior. People who let other people push them around are not genuine and honest people because they're not telling other people how they really feel.
I am an extremely skeptical person; I assume most people are attempting to manipulate me in one way or another, and I'm very good at spotting their manipulations. Being 'good' has nothing to do with weakness or stupidity, though they often go together. Many people believe that they must be selfish and exploit other people to get anywhere in life. But they're wrong. And sooner or later they find they're no better than the people they hate. And they will end up hating and despising themselves.