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Old 01-22-2011, 10:21 AM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Default Sex is my outlet

It may seem odd for someone with social anxiety to have these kinds of relations so casually... Mainly I find my muses online, when I know sex is the motive, everything comes easier. It's like a series of events that I know are going to please the other person - rarely me.

The lines between what I want and what I'm doing because I think they want it have become very blurred.

I'm not on medication - when I was my sex drive was nil. This isn't isn't withdrawals, I haven't been on meds for years. It's just a 'thing' I do. I have a boyfriend now and when things start getting intimate I have to consciously think to myself, "Do I want this or not?"

At the same time, I'm very self conscious... This doesn't make sense?
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Old 01-22-2011, 11:26 AM   #2 (permalink)
 
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have sex cured your SA.
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Old 01-22-2011, 11:28 AM   #3 (permalink)
 
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lucky youre a girl......guys dont have that luxury haha
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Old 01-22-2011, 01:32 PM   #4 (permalink)
 
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There is nothing wrong with being self-conscious, I think you meant you feel guilty.
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Old 01-22-2011, 01:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
 
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lucky youre a girl......guys dont have that luxury haha
Goodness! Every time...
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Old 01-22-2011, 02:14 PM   #6 (permalink)
 
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It's like a series of events that I know are going to please the other person - rarely me.
This doesn't make sense;

If your motive for having casual sex was because it caused you physical pleasure, if you did it because it made you feel better, then I'd get that.

But repeatedly having one nightstands that do nothing for you, only for the guy? That doesn't make sense to me.

I'm guessing since this does nothing for you physically that you're doing it for emotional reasons-you want to have the chance to feel close to somebody even if it doesn't mean anything-and the one night stand thing probably makes it easier because it's anonymous and you don't owe him anything other than sex and he doesn't owe you anything either
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Old 01-22-2011, 02:24 PM   #7 (permalink)
 
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Originally Posted by Kustamogen View Post
lucky youre a girl......guys dont have that luxury haha
Sigh... because females with SA really don't have any problems at all... Right...


As for the actual topic of the thread - it sounds to me that maybe you have low self esteem and you want men to desire you or you want to feel like you are cared for. I feel that way sometimes.
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Old 01-22-2011, 02:27 PM   #8 (permalink)
 
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I don't think this is so uncommon actually...
Maybe you're doing it because when you're aware of what the other person want from you, you feel like you're having control over the situation.

Maybe it's the feeling of having empowerment or the feeling of giving the other person what they want that appeals to you, not the physical part of it.

Anyways if you see this as a problem for you, I hope you seek some help for it.
Hope you don't feel bad about this.
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Old 01-22-2011, 02:29 PM   #9 (permalink)
 
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Sigh... because females with SA really don't have any problems at all... Right...
I have to agree with Kustamogen, guys really don't have that luxury. I'm not denying that being female and having SA hinders your chances of "hooking up" (of course it does), but not nearly to the same extent as it hinders a guy's sex life. And that's just common sense.
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Old 01-22-2011, 02:49 PM   #10 (permalink)
 
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I'm a little confused. So, I'm thinking that initially, sex makes you feel close to these guys. But, after a while, do you realize it isn't the solution and feel worse about it?

This would lead into why you're not sure if it's something you always want with your boyfriend. It's possible you're trying to feel loved through sex, and that's really not a healthy way to look at it. It puts a lot of pressure on the relationship with your guy if you're not already at that level of "love" or whatever.

And, I don't think it's unheard of that someone with SA would be able to use sex as an outlet. It's more about the physical than emotional/verbal, and if you're communicating online first, then I could see how that might be easier.
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Old 01-22-2011, 05:34 PM   #11 (permalink)
 
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You Bipolar? I know hyper sexuality is strongly associated with Bipolar in a lot of cases.
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Old 01-23-2011, 06:54 AM   #12 (permalink)
 
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I've heard of similar before in some women with social skill or communication issues. It might not fit you, but they would engage in such behaviours because they had trouble connecting in other ways and understanding the complexities of socialising. Sex provided some sense of control and connection because they could engage in acts that had more predictable outcomes and feel useful or needed. It can be associated with trouble understanding your own emotions, preferences and thoughts (e.g. see alexithymia and Asperger's). Discomfort can still be experienced in the sexual encounters and some self-medicate.
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Old 01-23-2011, 07:01 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I have a problem with sex

When it comes up at all it makes me think of all the sexual abuse I had to deal with. And it inhibits me. Makes me feel bad or dirty. Sad but true.

It screwed up my life big time.
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Old 01-23-2011, 07:38 AM   #14 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleSister View Post
It may seem odd for someone with social anxiety to have these kinds of relations so casually... Mainly I find my muses online, when I know sex is the motive, everything comes easier. It's like a series of events that I know are going to please the other person - rarely me.

The lines between what I want and what I'm doing because I think they want it have become very blurred.
Its weird, people seem to want to tell you why you do this or how you feel in way much different that other threads (perhaps myself included), I guess because as you say it is a avenue of SA that most people don't post about here. But I just wanted to share that it doesn't seem all that different to me than the post I was just reading before this one:

"I don't know if this is wierd or not but I have almost a need to make people happy. Even people I don't like or they don't like me? I don't exactly know why but I think it's cuz I want people to like me. I say I'm sorry alot lol and really mean it. I don't like making people mad, but I also feel like people think I'm a freak or I'm wierd or something. Does anyone else feel this way? What do you people think of me be honest."

Ok kind of different, but I gather you're saying sex has become a familiar and simple way for you to know you are pleasing someone else. As you say, you go for situations where the motives are clear, so that doesn't take much social skill it would seem. Simular in my mind to when I play a game with rules to follow, I find interaction with people much easier (ok, again maybe a stretch).
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Old 01-23-2011, 07:52 AM   #15 (permalink)
 
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I was like that when I was single. I had a lot of sex. It was kind of strange because I'm so shy but I could open up to these guys and have sex with them like it was nothing. I don't really regret any of it; it's just sex. But now that I have a boyfriend, I've never been like that with him: Over-sexual and just wanting it all the time. I'm actually really shy about sex with him still and I've been with him for 2 years! It's become rather a problem for the both of us and I'm trying to open up to him and be more comfortable because our sex life is really suffering. The reason I was able to be so open with the guys before was because I didn't care about them or what they thought about me... if they didn't like me then I could have just said "ok whatever" and I would have found another guy. (I, too, found most of the guys on the internet which made it really quite easy.) I obviously don't feel that way about my boyfriend. I want him to think highly of me, and I want to make him happy, which gives me anxiety and causes me to shut down and not open up to him. Which has the opposite effect lol.
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Old 01-23-2011, 08:25 AM   #16 (permalink)
 
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Originally Posted by nickcorona View Post
I have to agree with Kustamogen, guys really don't have that luxury. I'm not denying that being female and having SA hinders your chances of "hooking up" (of course it does), but not nearly to the same extent as it hinders a guy's sex life. And that's just common sense.
Right, well.. it IS easier for a woman to get laid on average and I'm a woman admitting that. And it's the fault of both men and women.

It's because A) women, for some random reason, decide to get "offended" when a man wants to just have sex with her. and B) Men on average are more desperate for sex (prostitution is an example. you don't see many male prostitutes because there are far less women willing to shell out money just for some sex.)

^^^that's just my opinion though, from my experiences and what I've noticed. Not saying it's fact or anything.
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Old 01-23-2011, 10:41 AM   #17 (permalink)
 
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At least you're not a virgin anymore.
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Old 01-24-2011, 07:57 AM   #18 (permalink)
 
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Thanks for the replies... They've been really helpful. I agree it's probably the factor of wanting to please someone - or more so, for someone to be happy with me (for something) it does make me feel useful in a sense. It's not healthy though, I don't regret it but I don't think it's a good thing if I'm not getting any pleasure from it... You've all puts things in perspective.
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Old 01-25-2011, 12:53 PM   #19 (permalink)
 
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Originally Posted by Haydsmom2007 View Post
.. it IS easier for a woman to get laid on average and I'm a woman admitting that.
Thank you. This man vs woman issue has come up forever on SAS and many mistakenly think it's sexist or means women don't really suffer from SA to simply acknowledge gender differences that we all know exist.

If a man walked up to a woman at a bar and said "Hi, I'm Tom. I noticed you're really hot; would you like to have sex?" What response is Tom likely to get? I'm thinking a look something like then she'll smack him for being a total perv.

Now switch genders and we get a totally different situation: "Hi, I'm Jenny. I notice you're really hot; would you like to have sex?" Jenny might well get the same look, but the shock would not be from him being offended. He'd be shocked since this is unimaginable (outside of a porn video) and on par with winning the lottery.

The only way this method is at all likely to work for Tom is if he's cute and at a gay bar with other equally horny dudes. If Tom's straight he's screwed (or rather not) with that right-to-the-point pick up line. Jenny is likely to score quite easily once she manages to convince guys she's not joking.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Haydsmom2007 View Post
.. It's because A) women, for some random reason, decide to get "offended" when a man wants to just have sex with her. and B) Men on average are more desperate for sex (prostitution is an example. you don't see many male prostitutes because there are far less women willing to shell out money just for some sex.
It's all goes back to evolution and animal behavior. Until very recent times sex was something that led to pregnancy. Women thus were picky about who they had sex with as they wanted a man who could provide for a child. Men only needed to make sure their DNA was passed on and the best way to do that was to have sex with as many women as possible. Obviously all of us are descended from horny guys as guys into celibacy don't pass on DNA.

One sees this all over the animal kingdom where males do battle -- sometimes till severe injury or death -- to decide which buck gets to knock up the doe in heat.
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Old 01-31-2011, 12:06 PM   #20 (permalink)
 
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I can relate to this. To most people, sex is very intimate, but for me it's not. I know how "to do" sex, I don't have to worry about awkward conversations or upsetting anyone, or them thinking I'm weird. It allows me to have interactions with other humans, I get to feel "alive" for a while, and I don't have to worry about rejections.

If I invite friends over to bake cookies or something, usually they don't come, but if I invite a guy over for sex, he'll drop everything to be here. Do I like the sex? No, but I don't dislike it. But if I can make him happy, then I feel good for a change.
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