I doubt many here will read this, but for those who do this is a huge part of why I am the way I am; and no pills can fix it
You see I have a healed brain injury, perfectly healed in fact it's kind of scary if you think about it but it took 16-17 years to heal correctly.
I was born with very severe issues, one of them epilepsy, but I mentally and motor skill wise developed fast and at a ridiculous rate I hit milestones one after another.
I was walking and climbing and running, using fine motor skills, talking etc before age one; unfortunately this lead to the cause of head injury number one (not to mention the awkward moment when you walk into Pre K and realize that most children your age are not like you, and you can't talk to them about things you really enjoy, and the teachers won't take you seriously so you end up hanging out with the head of the daycare and talking about the philosophy and morals of religion and how it has changed over time and you feel utterly alone among your peers even your friends to a degree).
The cause of the first head Injury?
I believe I wanted to look at something on a green metal table with a glass top (I think it was a book that was under a very heavy weight, to get to it I had to climb up the sofa, crawl onto the sofa arm, and balance my way over the edge of the couch; not kidding) and I was going to get to it.
Nobody was watching, and unfortunately my balancing act ended very badly because one of my cousins came in and saw me and shouted and I fell head first onto the table; hitting my right frontal lobe in the forward right central region and denting my skull.
This made my epilepsy worse and caused the "terminal type" that almost killed me, the injury injury I acquired 4 years later from a fight where I got my head thrown into a wall and by some odd twist of fate hit the exact same spot and did just a tad more damage.
Now how the hell does a head injury to the right frontal lobe turn into a cause for SA and depression?
In all honesty the SA was bound to happen as was the depression, if you look at the circumstances the bit about being alone in the mental sense would of caused me to have both to varying degrees eventually.
However the brain injury is a cause because of WHERE the injury was, you see the frontal lobes are sort of very important to humans and the right frontal lobe in particular tends to relate to social cues and emotional/personality development.
Here is a list of what it controls (I am not listing the learning functions because they were not affected by the injury):
The right lobe may be more involved in non-verbal aspects of communication. For example, the right lobe is implicated in recognition of positive and negative emotions in facial expressions.
The right lobe may also be involved in use of auditory cues such as intonation and inflection in the interpretation of emotional valences of sadness, fear, anger, and so forth.
The right frontal lobe is more active than the left during negative emotions, and the left hemisphere is more active during positive emotions.
The right frontal lobe concerns itself with aspects such as prosody, primary emotions, empathy and affective behaviors. The connection between affective behavior and the same part of the brain’s function in wit and humor may explain why comedians are so often depressed. It is also connected to character aspects such as vigilance, wakefulness and attentiveness. It is even linked to arousal.
Emotional thought plays an important role in human relationships
, and the right frontal lobe is crucial in this area. It includes social inhibitors, ethical diligence, executive control and social conduct areas. These characteristics depend on this part of the brain.
Damage to the right frontal lobe will naturally lead to some kind of impairment of these various personality controls. Scientific studies have shown a link between damage to this area and murderous and anti-social tendencies. One study showed that 20 out of 31 convicted murderers had brain damage, and of those, 64 percent had damage to their right frontal lobes. Other studies have shown that damage to the area does not cause such behavior, but instead damages the part of the brain that inhibits it.
(thankfully I eventually got my anger under control and my urge to fight, but the issues with relationships stayed)
==> Controls impulses
minimally affected, well ok I am a tad impulsive but over time I learned how to keep them under control with a iron mental fist.
==> Controls judgment
Large scale judgements were not badly affected, but little ones like say not jaywalking or sometime awareness of cars when walking and talking in unfamiliar areas (and when to cross the street in cities that look like towns not cities) can be a issue. It is not that I do not see them but my brain does not always register them right away. Oddly enough I am perfectly fine in a wilderness setting, in fact I tend to be hyper aware and able to make damn near perfect decisions.
==> Language production
Unusually this part was accelerated by the injury instead of halted, I am also talented at learning foreign tongues and accents/inflections due to the time the first injury took place being the "mimicry" stage for me thus leaving me sort of stuck in the "mimicry stage" that allows you to easily learn new things but also accelerating my comprehension levels.
==> Working memory
==> Motor function
These work better than normal, however I can only walk straight and balanced if I do a model like "catwalk" walk; and when I run I mimic wild animal gaits instead of normal human ones. Other than that my motor skills were pretty much unaffected and accelerated instead of impaired.
==> Working the memory
Affected by impairing my ability to retrieve but not store or comprehend,
==> Problem solving
Severely affected, aversive/avoidance behaviors and fear started after injury two and my ability to interact with others properly was impaired as well if not in a professional setting; this is why I consider my head injury a probably cause of my SA though not the factor that made it as bad as it is now. After my injury healed my ability to learn to socialize in a normal non formal/professional manner/setting has come back but I am scared of people now and I am sort of never going to be fully out of childhood due to the time the injury happened.
I can learn how to react/act in situations very well and quickly (if I overcome my SA especially) however at some level I will always be a child.
Also I was socially delayed due to the the injury (though my acting skills meant I could act proper in particular settings), and very few people even if I did not have SA would be willing to help me try to speed gain social skills.
It's a bit of a conundrum to be honest.
Caused me to be far more unpredictable and random, it is the source of my humor skill.
I can plan things out but it is difficult for me to focus on following through, I also have issues with things not going according to plan if there is a plan and it is all related to this head injury.
I have issues with not controlling things, though this mostly pertains to things I see as "mine" which are things I own and inanimate objects though this can spill over into other situations.
I am not steve jobs controlling bad..yet.
==> Executing behavior
If I am anxious my ability to execute proper behavior is impaired and I may shut down if over stimulated to "reboot" or I have a panic attack.
Oddly enough I passed the three tests, my working memory is slightly impaired (though my long term is fine, it is the retrieval process that can be a issue) and if not in a test setting it can take a bit for me to coordinate my thoughts, but on the upside I still have my sense of humor.
Good news in the long run: The worst learning side effects and facial/motor skill related side effects did not happen, my personality did not drastically change and pretty much all the "major" negatives minus worse epilepsy did not occur and I still have emotions.
The bad news?
I did lose part of my ability to react properly to positive situations, and I was more prone to negative thoughts in the long term (the injury was near the left frontal lobe side), as well as anxiety and issues understanding certain non verbal cues I had been doing very well with before.
I do have a impairment in social skills, I do have long term issues with relationships, and my frontal lobe brain injury may also be why my personality is so unpredictable and why it is so easy for me to create my "masks" as well as the cause of my personality ranging between childlike and very mature (and I can mimic a numerous amount of personalities and characters, yay head injury made me a natural actress).
And this injury did most likely cause of not intensify my SA, so anyone else got this same problem?
Questions or comments welcome, just please no touching my perfectly organized books.
Note:I am not religious, the discussions I had with that principal related to the history of religions and their effect on society both positive and negative.