I think I'm losing it...

[click]

Ok f*** it. I just tried to write a structered, almost essay-like piece of what's been wrong with me lately, and I couldn't even do that without almost breaking down of what you guys might think of it, if it's perfect or not, or whatever. I digressed a lot. So I'm just going to put it in bullet points (or dash points)

- I'm 16.
- I've had a headache for about a month running so far.
- In class, I constantly think everybody is looking at me, so I change my behaviour to seem normal. Actually, that's probably social anxiety, but maybe it's appropriate. I don't know.
- I thought my teacher was concealing a syringe with some lethal injection and he would pounce at me at any moment. But it wasn't an "I KNOW he's going to do it", it was more "What IF he did it, what would happen then?" This is happening a lot, with increasingly stranger things. I thought "what if my parents weren't actually my parents, but government spies in 'parent suits' ?"

- I can't do the simplest things without my thoughts digressing completely; I can't properly concentrate on anything. This can range from paranoia, e.g people watching me from dark corners, cameras placed in subtle places etc - then these morph into "I wonder how cameras work"

- I've begun hallucinating on a small scale. If I look at something for long enough, it starts to move slightly. Its contours begin to warp and pulse, but this took a different turn today. I was in a car driving back from maths tuition, when turning the corner onto the street where I live where out of nowhere I thought I saw a ghostly pair of beige legs, fading out at the torso with a very VERY slight whitish body-shaped smudge for the rest, just walking casually down the pavement, and then across the road.

A few minutes after this, turning the corner into the street where I live, a flash of green just appeared, and a black symbol was in the colour, sort of like an 'n' with a line down the middle.

Getting out of the car after that, where my mum parks it's sort of on a slope so if you pause for a bit after opening the door, it just slams back onto you. (A sub-point in this is occasionally I just zone out, and think about completely irrelevant things to what's actually happening. I can't help it, it just happens) Anyway that happened when I opened the door, and it slammed back at me. I knew in the back of my mind it was just gravity on the slope, but I started freaking out that a ghost or some person just slammed the door at me as I was trying to get out, then I saw the same ghostly pair of legs (with the smudge for the rest) then running away from having slammed the door at me, across the cul-de-sac where I live. At the same time though, I knew it wasn't happening. I was thinking it, but so hard it imprinted on my actual vision.

- I sometimes think theres more to me, my existance, than just another person. I occaisionally think I'll be some sort of saviour, that God has chosen me to perform some task, but I don't know what. I'm almost adamant that something globally life-changing will happen in the latter quarter of 2012 (no, NOT because of the movie coming out. I knew about it years before) but only recently I'm becoming obsessive over it. I find myself constantly googling it in computer intervals, looking up more and more theorems of what will happen on this somehow significant date. I wonder if God or some higher power has chosen me to warn others of this impending disaster, as I keep seeing the number 12 EVERYWHERE. I even began compiling a list of where I saw it, but got bored of that. :\

- I'm becoming more and more incapable of normal, human, socially adequate and acceptable behaviour. A good example today (yes, it's been a mentally weird day) my dad bought me a new keyboard. I opened the parcel, admired it, then put it aside as we watched TV for a bit. I went to go up to the computer to check out facebook, completely forgetting the keyboard. Halfway to the stairs, my dad said "what about your new keyboard?". I muttered something incoherently "oh yeah", took a few paces towards the keyboard on the chair, then muttered something incoherently again "i'll try it out later", then walked back up the stairs and to my computer. Things like this are becoming increasingly common.

- I also had thoughts that some higher power is pushing me to get psychiatric help. Themes of crazy people have become more and more dense through the past month, be it TV, or people talking about it, written word, on the internet and other media et cetera et cetera. As I'm writing this, an episode of the Simpsons is on next to me, and bart has been reduced to a blubbering wreck due to drugs and is wearing tin foil with a bin lid on his head saying Major League Baseball are spying on him.

Yet all the while I'm AWARE of this. Aware that this is how people descend into madness, similiar cases, be it schizophrenia or anything. Aware that somethings wrong, and I'm constantly worrying about my mental health and always googling disorders, case studies, symptoms of mental diseases, and cross referencing these symptoms with my own.

The "what ifs" keep coming en masse, but I'm aware they're completely irrational. They're not complete, adamant thoughts or delusions, just "what if this happened, what if spiders were plotting against me? What if they poisoned my bedsheets?" (I'm a terrible arachnophobic) I'm not pacing around my room muttering "the spiders are trying to get me..." I haven't barriacaded my room with cling film to prevent them, it's just... what if... what if the government are spying on me.
A good example is my mum recently told me that when I was an infant, something was terribly wrong with me and I was constantly fitting and lapsing in and out of consciousness or something. She said she remembered pacing up and down as an infant me was screaming with flailing limbs as nurses pinned me down to give me some injection.
I began thinking, "What if some spying organization was putting some chip in me? What then? What if they've been monitoring me my entire life for some study?"
But I knew, while thinking that, it was completely irrational. Those are the blubbering thought ramblings of a completely insane person.

What's going on with me? Should I see my GP? Yet, I'm too anxious to. Social anxiety attacks me again when I think of seeing him, how awkward it would be sitting in a cramped room trying to spit out socially normal words on what's been up with me lately. How he would judge me; yet I know he's a doctor and that's his job to diagnose and refer people like that.

Wtf?

[Procrastinator]

I'm no expert on any level but I read your post and think you should see your GP. You don't know, this could get worse. Good luck.

[Homersxchild]

I can relate with the totally irrational paranoid thoughts. For a while I had them very frequently and they were so rediculous. The most irrational one I'd had was thinking a sugar packet was connected to some sort of bomb and if I moved it it would blow up the restaurant I was in. The whole time I couldn't help but stare at it and start to sweat. And then my family came with the tray and casually pushed it off the table. I remember my heart leaped but then afterward I realized how incredible irrational it was. That was the worst one.

I've had continual thoughts that my step-mom would try to kill me. She's an extremely nice person, but for some reason I have thoughts that she locks me in the basement (that's where I sleep) and she would set a fire so I couldn't escape. I've had thoughts of maybe I'm mentally retarded but people refuse to tell me. Because who tells someone they are mentally retarded? Most people treat them like normal.

At the time when these thoughts were at their peak, I considered the fact that I could have been slowly becoming a paranoid schizophrenic. But I don't think they realize that their thoughts are paranoid and irrational. I haven't been having those thoughts so much anymore. I think they were triggered by high stress that I was under at the moment. It tends to fluctuate with stress I'm guessing.

Do you feel like since this started, you've been really affected by stress and anxiety? Maybe more than usual?

But you're not alone, I'm extremely paranoid as well to the point of irrationality. I refuse to take a walk around my block for this very reason. I'm always thinking someone is watching me, following me, is going to kill me. etc.

But like I said, the reason that I don't want to use the label of schizophrenia is because both you and me are 'aware' of these thoughts and that they are not normal. I'm pretty sure paranoid schizophrenics feel that their thoughts are perfectly rational and real.

[Forza Italia]

I'm no psychologist, but i'm pretty confident that they are psychotic symptoms. You should check a medic.

[LaRibbon]

But like I said, the reason that I don't want to use the label of schizophrenia is because both you and me are 'aware' of these thoughts and that they are not normal. I'm pretty sure paranoid schizophrenics feel that their thoughts are perfectly rational and real.

Not true, Schizophrenics CAN have awareness into their irrational thoughts / delusions / paranoia. Psychosis is on a spectrum, from mild to severe. The more severe it gets the less insight you have.

I really think you need to go to your GP asap and tell them everything. I would not panic if I were you, your experiences don't necessarily mean you have schizophrenia, it may instead be a more OCD, intrusive thought type problem, where you can't help but think crazy things. That plus high anxiety can make you seriously feel like you are losing touch with reality. But still, go to your Dr, because if it is a psychotic type problem it really is imporant you nip it in the bud sooner rather than later. Also, keep in mind that having insight (no matter what disorder / illness you may have) is associated with better prognosis.

[99x]

First of all, talk to a doctor to get a professional opinion.

I experienced something similar when I was about 16-17. In my case there were clear life circumstances that drove me into a depression. I got extremely paranoid of my parents and friends. Wondering if they would poison me or hurt me (I knew this was irrational). My behavior started getting bizarre. I’d sit in complete darkness at night. I would spend hours starring at the wall or certain objects. Doing so made things appear to warp. Straight edges began to curve. Walls and floors would sometimes have an ocean like movement to them. When outside at night I would sometimes see shadowy figures and would have to look twice to see if anyone was really there. No one ever was. I heard 2 or 3 vivid conversations when I was about to fall asleep. The scariest was when I was playing guitar and heard a deep/distorted mumbling in my amplifier. I became obsessed with researching things like psychosis and schizophrenia.

I saw a few doctors and tried a few antidepressants. They made me incredibly dizzy and irritable so I stopped those. I decided to try my own ways of coping. The key to my recovery was realizing I was completely obsessed over those thoughts and as a result the symptoms started to manifest. Eventually my problems started to disappear. I had let my mind focus solely on paranoid thoughts for months. My friends and family became great supporters. One of my friends was at my house when the sounds came from my amp. It freaked him out so I knew then that I wasn’t crazy. It was just picking up radio signals and distorting them. The vivid convos only happened when I was entering into a sleep state so I wrote them off as dreams. I haven’t had issues since. I took up a strict diet and exercise routine and it really improved my depression and the paranoia left with it. I was driving myself crazy.

I didn’t just snap out of it in one day, I spent a lot of time and energy developing coping skills for my depression. I’m 23 now and still deal with social anxiety which I’ve had since I was 11 or so, but no more wild and bizarre thoughts/behaviors associated with paranoia.. only mild sadness like many others feel. I still do tend to obsess over things.


This is what happened in my case, it’s best to see a doctor and make sure, but really try not to jump to conclusions on your own.

[millenniumman75]

I would talk to a doctor, just in case, but in reality, I think you have moderate to severe SA in the first half of your post. "What if?" thinking is EXTREMELY common - catastrophizing, as well. It's all SA. Your mind is scaring you into thinking something bad is going to happen - impending doom. Fears of going crazy also fit into this spectrum.

If you were truly crazy, you probably would have trouble knowing what day it was, who the President was....the types of questions you would be asked in an evaluation (not that I know - I don't).

The hallucinations, maybe, would require an antipsychotic (temporarily!) for the depression. For the syringe, if deep down, you know it is not going to happen, that is a plus. The key is not let them take hold.

[click]

Thanks for the replies guys, really appreciated. I think I'll give it a considerable amount of time, and if it doesn't blow over I'll consult my doctor. Nice to know I'm not the only one with these sort of problems.
I did see the school counsellor briefly for the anxiety and paranoia side of things, and she put it down to adolescence and "hormones" - though I can't help but think that's a textbook response, and she really has no idea. Could this actually be a factor?
I didn't, however, mention the mild hallucinations; though I thought if I did, she would probably take it higher and refer me to someone, and I don't want that at all.

[millenniumman75]

It will take a while to go through this - it took time for the negative thinking to develop, so it may take some time to undo.

[Homersxchild]

Originally Posted by LaRibbon

Not true, Schizophrenics CAN have awareness into their irrational thoughts / delusions / paranoia. Psychosis is on a spectrum, from mild to severe. The more severe it gets the less insight you have.

Alright alright. I didn't claim to know all about schizophrenia. It was just the thought that kept me going and hoping that that wasn't what's wrong with me.

But if you don't have anything standing in your way from seeing a doctor, than I suggest you do like everyone else. But you shouldn't assume its anything worse than just anxiety related symptoms. Like others have said, anxiety can lead to these paranoid thoughts.