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Old 09-14-2012, 02:53 AM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Default Can't get out of Bed - Lost the Will to Live

I so desperately want help, but can't find the motivation to do so.

For the last 3 week I've been so depressed that I can't seem to get out of bed. I'm now sleeping for 10 to 12 hours a day. I'm waking up in the afternoon, and going to bed in the early morning. I even have strong urges to nap in the middle of the day.

I've lost all appetite too. I feel my stomach grumble, but it feels like nothing. I don't feel pain when I'm hungry anymore. I have to force myself to eat simply from the knowledge that I will die otherwise, not out of any basic drive or feelings. And even then, I don't actually feel hungry, so I can hardly stomach a single meal a day. I haven't felt my mouth water in a long time. I'm probably eating something like 600 calories a day. I've lost 15 pounds in a month. I'll probably die if I keep this up.

Some days I don't even bother to shower, since I don't leave the house. There is strong logical voice in my head that tells me "get up and shower," but is quickly silenced by the emotional voice "what's the point?"

I know this is all because of my SA. I feel hopeless. I recently lost all of my friends. And I didn't have many to begin with. I have no one in my life who could even come to snap me out of this funk, and that knowledge makes the depression worse. No one will ever call me, no one worries about me.

My parents don't care. In fact, they are worse off than I. They're both shut-in recluses who never leave the house except to work. They're severe hoarders too, and I was forced to move back in recently. I feel choked by all this junk around me. I have a small corner to sleep in. I don't even have anywhere to set out my clothes for tomorrow. I've had to pile my laundry in a corner out of necessity. I can't tell what is what, and because of that I am often wearing the same thing outfit when I do find a reason to leave the house. All this just makes me feel even worse.

I have to pep talk myself for an hour just to get out of bed, going through the motions:
"Alright, get up... get up. Just get up. GET UP!"
"Ok, that's not working. That's too much. I've gotta take this in small steps. Ok ok ok."
"First, just turn off the fan. Just hit the switch. Its right there, you can do it. Good."
"Now turn on the light. Come on, its in arms reach. Lift your arm. Lift it. Just hit the switch."
"Good good. Now roll over. You can do it. Just use one arm, push yourself up. Alright."
"Its only 10 steps to the bathroom. Just have to find a towel..."


I have to consciously go through this every day just to force the motivation to wake up. A human being shouldn't have to do that. Waking up and taking shower should be second nature, not a strained effort.

When I am awake, I'm either on this site, Youtube, crying, or looking up psychiatric information. I used to be able to draw, write music, play instruments, sing, drive around town, play video games, or watch TV. I don't even have the motivation to do that; I don't even enjoy mindlessly watching TV anymore. I know that if I can just do somethings that I enjoy I'll feel better. I know if I just finish a drawing, or go to the gym, I'll feel like myself again. But I can't even find the basic motivation to start either of those tasks.

I've lost all will to live, but I don't have a death wish. So I just keep going on like this, with no end in sight.

I really do want to help myself, but I realize that takes some amount of motivation. I wrote down a list of disorders and things I'd say to a therapist on a first visit. That was 1 week ago. I looked up "psychiatrist" and wrote down the address to the first one. That was 2 days ago. I can't make the phone call, SA is too debilitating. Today, I got dressed, got in my car, and drove off to the psych office. I drove past it twice. I saw the sign, and as soon as I did my gut began to ache. I felt so nauseous, I had to stop the car. I felt like I was going to vomit. Needless to say, I didn't go in. I drove home, feeling like I accomplished something. That a little effort is still progress. But driving to a building and almost puking at the sign shouldn't be considered "progress."

Its like I can't admit to help on my own. I know I need it, but the thought of confronting someone and bearing my soul to them is horrifying. I want the medication, I want the therapy, I want it all. I just can't bring myself to do it.

I've never felt so awful in my life. Towards the end of the night, I get really panicky like this. I feel very alert and in need of help, but its 4am now and I can't get help at this hour. I usually cry myself to sleep about now. By morning, I've lost all hope again. I can't get out of bed. I struggle. I take hours to eat and get dressed. By the time I do, its almost 6pm, and I still don't have the courage to go to the therapist. By the time I feel enough courage to get help, its almost midnight. I get panicky, and the cycle continues.

I want to wake up early and go to the doctor, but I can't wake up. I sleep in so late. I can't motivate myself in the morning.

I can't keep living like this. I have no one to talk to, and if I did I'd be too afraid to. Please, someone tell me something --anything-- that will give me motivation to get help. What can I do to break this awful cycle?

I keep telling myself to just force myself to the doctor, but I can't. I really want to, but my anxiety and depression won't let me. I haven't even been diagnosed with anything yet. I don't even have the courage to get that basic treatment. Any bit of motivation is killed quickly by thoughts like:
"Its no use, why even bother?"
"Whats the point of even living?"
"There's no way out. Give up."
"Its only going to get harder."


I know this **** is completely irrational, but I can't fight it. It feels like its controlling me, against my better judgment. Like I said above, I'm having arguments in my head. One side of me is trying desperately to have the basic energy to move my legs to the bathroom, the other side of me telling me to just give up and piss myself in bed until I die.
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Old 09-14-2012, 02:59 AM   #2 (permalink)
 
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TL;DR
I'm super depressed. I've lost the will to do basic things necessary to life, such as eating. I want help, but can't get out bed in the morning. How do I get past this?
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Old 09-14-2012, 03:03 AM   #3 (permalink)
 
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Gosh, that sounds terrible. I don't really know much about depression, but I want to say something to show that people do care about you. Even if you're a total stranger to me, I feel bad knowing someone feels that bad.
I can't think of much help either, but perhaps when you're on youtube you could watch interesting science videos or funny cat videos? They could spark some inspiration to go out and try something in you. I hope you feel better! And please do eat, it will raise your mood. Good luck! (:
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Old 09-14-2012, 04:59 AM   #4 (permalink)
 
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Maybe there's a way to get them to do a home visit instead of you going to them. They might be able to send a psychiatric nurse or something similar.
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Old 09-14-2012, 03:13 PM   #5 (permalink)
 
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Oh god, I was in the same situation about 4 months back. Except I don't live with my parents, so I literally had zero interaction with any living human being. For a good 3 weeks.

You'll snap out of it. You can't force it. There will be a moment, and something will happen, and it will get you out of the bed, out of the house, and into the world again. It might not happen consciously, but something will snap and you will break out of it. At least it did to me, at the point where I was literally clawing at the walls and screaming my head off into my pillow. I don't remember when it started to turn around but it did. Slowly. And gradually.

I'm almost fine now, I have my days, but it's nowhere near as bad as it was. You're going through the sh*ttiest time of your life, but it won't be like this forever. That's all I can say.

As for the psych, please please please go and see them. Whatever it takes. If you think that it'll make you feel better, do it. (it probably will)

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Old 09-14-2012, 06:51 PM   #6 (permalink)
 
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My goodness. I'm in much the same mental state except my force of habit keeps me getting out of bed and doing small things. So I'm not nearly as poorly off as you, but I do know that feeling of utter exhaustion and just wondering, "Why?" And yes...by the time I have energy to do anything, it's too late to get anything done. I'm struggling with it myself so I don't have good advice.

I wanted to point something out though. You wrote out this post. It's a lengthy post, and detailed, and you express your emotions and torment in it so clearly and so well. You DO still have that spark of motivation to do things...you just need to figure out how to apply it to something that might help you. I hope you can reach that point. I hope you can look at your own post and see this is true, that you wrote that, thus you do still have something left in you. (Goodness, I'm a wordy writer and most days I can hardly work up the motivation to write as you just did!)

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You'll snap out of it. You can't force it. There will be a moment, and something will happen, and it will get you out of the bed, out of the house, and into the world again. It might not happen consciously, but something will snap and you will break out of it. At least it did to me, at the point where I was literally clawing at the walls and screaming my head off into my pillow. I don't remember when it started to turn around but it did. Slowly. And gradually.

I'm almost fine now, I have my days, but it's nowhere near as bad as it was. You're going through the sh*ttiest time of your life, but it won't be like this forever. That's all I can say.
I hope this is how it turns out. Sometimes, we just need downtime. It feels lousy, but here's hoping something better comes of it.
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Old 09-16-2012, 02:21 AM   #7 (permalink)
 
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I'm doing a little better today. I'm slowly gaining my appetite right now. I'm eating a little more. As well as feeling a bit better in general. Still, overall angry and depressed.

I'm still sleeping 10+ hours a day. Which is the worst part because I can't do anything past 5pm (businesses close). Which is about the time I'm waking up. I can feel fine at night, but I can't find reason to wake up in the morning. Its a total struggle.

If you want to know why my jimmies are rustled, you can check out this thread:
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/...-to-me-202563/
Its a long read, if you do.

Its not just that. I'm also don't have a steady place to sleep at, living out of a backpack with only a few changes of clothes, no stable internet, and over a few repeated events my parents have basically proven to me that they don't care at all.

I think its hard knowing that your parents aren't there for you. I know people whose parents support them (emotionally) in everything they do. College, choice of car, friends, etc.

I also know people whose parents died, and now they are basically on their own. But there's a difference between knowing your parents CAN'T be there for you (death, or illness), and knowing your parents WON'T be there for you, even though they are completely capable.

I can't relate to people my age whose only issue in life is that their parents won't pay their smartphone bill. Try telling your parents that you are homeless, only to have them clear out a corner of a room full of junk so that you can sleep on the floor, with no Air Conditioning in 85 degree temperature, when the whole building smells like human **** as well. And then to basically talk behind your back the whole time about how they can't wait for you to leave.
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Old 09-16-2012, 02:34 AM   #8 (permalink)
 
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Hey man I was in the same place 4 months ago. Luckily I had some prozac leftover and popped a few of those and it worked... Not the best thing to do without a doctors advise but it worked. Do you have access to a psych? If so, get some mediction ASAP it's good for getting you out of extreme bouts of depression.

Or you will snap out of it as said before.
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Old 09-16-2012, 02:58 AM   #9 (permalink)
 
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When you get this far down the only way out is medication. You need to get to a Doctor, any doctor. They'll know what to do. When you get feeling better they'll probably want to do some therapy with you. Just getting out of the house and away from things for a while can be a big help too. Good luck.

I've been in similar situations before off and on. I never got to the point where I just stayed in bed but I did go through a phase where I didn't leave the house for a while except to get groceries and prescriptions. I lost my job and the few friends I still had split. I was a mess.
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Old 09-16-2012, 03:52 AM   #10 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cletis View Post
When you get this far down the only way out is medication. You need to get to a Doctor, any doctor. They'll know what to do. When you get feeling better they'll probably want to do some therapy with you. Just getting out of the house and away from things for a while can be a big help too. Good luck.

I've been in similar situations before off and on. I never got to the point where I just stayed in bed but I did go through a phase where I didn't leave the house for a while except to get groceries and prescriptions. I lost my job and the few friends I still had split. I was a mess.
I hate going to doctors. They charge out the *** to just even see you. Last few times I went they just pointed me to another doctor, charged $300 bucks, and called it a day.

I looked up a psych who specializes in anxiety, but I can't wake up soon enough to go or even make a call. The offices close early. And as I said, I lose all motivation in the morning. I'm only really mentally active around late night...
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Old 09-16-2012, 06:04 AM   #11 (permalink)
 
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I am not a doctor or any kind of expert, but consider this-

Find something to motivate you or interest you, even if other people think it is wrong. For example, some of us might think about attacking other people, verbally or physically. We might think about dying, or having someone to take care of us. Whatever it is that might interest you or excite you in some way, maybe you should look into it.

I'm not saying go out and kill someone, or yourself. But maybe in learning more about those things and then learning how to see those things in a different way, you can find some peace and security. This can really bring about some helpful change. Maybe you will be able to see beyond your own fear and anger. You might realize some strange things. But I guess we are all a little strange.

We tend to get limited in our routines, and our speech, but also in what we think and feel. Dare to think something different.
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Old 09-16-2012, 08:13 PM   #12 (permalink)
 
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Depression is tough.. Good to hear you were feeling a little better today. I'm sorry that your parents are not very helpful. They seem to have their own issues (being reclusive and hoarders) and their capacities are probably too small to take care of you. I understand it because I have similar parents for myself and still resent them after all these long years.

If you can't see a doctor, you might want to come up with something to motivate you as some posters suggest. When I can't absolutely get out of bed in some mornings, I think about a cup of Latte (which is my favorite) and picture myself having one in the park nearby and drag myself out of bed.. When I had a dog, I had to walk him in the morning, and managed to get up at 7am every morning. Once being out, I felt OK and enjoyed seeing a garden nearby while walking with the dog. Nature heals me, especially seeing water, so I try to walk to the river nearby as often as I could..

Do you like music? When things become overwhelmed, I listen to music, classical music usually. It calms me down and helps me go through my difficulties. If you exercise, doing some yoga postures might help. Hope things will be a little easier for you.
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Old 09-16-2012, 08:35 PM   #13 (permalink)
 
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I have had that too. I had it for a period of 3 weeks straight exactly. I had it other times, but in chunks of time. It is the worst feeling in the world. I have not yet felt anything so horrible as that. I hope you have somebody in your life who understands, because I know that my family didn't. I also lost a lot of weight like you did. I dropped down to 95 lbs at 5'5" when I was 15/16. I stopped getting my periods and everything. I never washed my hair and I lost all will to live. I would lie on the couch or in bed feeling so numb. I had never known what it meant to feel that way until then.

I don't intend to make this about myself. I understand what you're going through. Start out very slowly. Some days, you can only breathe, and that is okay.

These are some things that helped me at various stages:

1. take niacin (not niacinamide) every day on an empty stomach
2. meditate, stretch in bed, or exercise every day, even if it is 5 pushups
3. do a complete overhaul. wash your hair, body, brush your teeth, put on some cologne/deodorant, and clean clothes. Then go somewhere new and see if it feels a bit different from being in bed. It won't feel as good as you used to feel, but it might feel better.
4. I talked to a friend who was very understanding and almost treated our texts like a therapy session. He never judged me and helped me get through some really bad stuff.

Perhaps you could talk to an online therapist.
If you need someone to talk to for any reason whatsoever, you can talk to me. Maybe we can find a solution.
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Old 09-17-2012, 11:52 AM   #14 (permalink)
 
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Thanks for the support, everybody. After having two panic attacks last night right before falling asleep, I told myself that I have to do something in the morning.

I somehow managed to force myself up at 11:30am (I know, super early, I don't know how I did it). I drove out to the therapy place again. This time I went in, talked at the counter, and got an appointment for Thursday. So I'll see how that goes. Though I'm afraid that my problems might be out of the scope of the facility I'm going to. Everyone in the building seemed so happy.

I don't really know what I'm going to do until then. I've lost all interest in things that previously interested me. Trying to do things I enjoy just hurts. I've never felt this awful before. I've been a little depressed before, but I could usually force myself out of it by doing activities that I enjoy.

All I want is to be surrounded by caring people to socialize with, but I've lost touch with reality. I don't have anything to talk about when I do get a chance to socialize. All I have to say or think about is depressing self centered BS. People talk about current events and I have no idea what's going on. I have nothing to add. And no interest to even learn at this point. I have no life experience, and have nothing to share when people are talking about normal things, like driving to the mall or a concert.

I have to force myself through work days, giving one-word answers to my coworkers because I honestly don't have anything to say about anything. I can't relate. I haven't seen a new movie since 2008. I haven't played any new games since 2009. I haven't had cable or even seen a "new" TV commercial since 2007. I've never owned a smart phone, and can't keep up on new technology. I have no experience with anything beyond Windows XP. This is awful because I've always been "the computer guy" in the past, the guy everyone went to for tech help. I can't even enjoy that anymore.

My life has been over for a long time. I don't even know how I've managed for these past few years. Its probably why I've crashed so hard right now -- just realizing how out of touch I am. Even with therapy and medication, I don't see any chance of recovery for myself. I'm just too far gone. It may get "better," but I don't see myself ever being on top of my game, or relevant in any way.

Weeks pass by like minutes in my life. The only thing on my mind for the last 2 weeks (the only thing on my to-do-list) was to get psychiatric help. I had one item on my list, I even wrote it on paper. And it still took 2 weeks to get anything done about that. I've been living like this for years, only recently has the emotional depression set in. If you look at my larger to-do-lists, there's thousands of undone events and activities. I just don't see any turning point in sight.

When I consider how I've been living for the past 3 years, my depression at the current situation seems absolutely normal and rational. I'm actually more bothered by the fact that I didn't feel depressed and do something about this 3 years ago. How could someone let 3 years slip by them like that? That's insane. I've lost so many friends and relationships. Missed so many opportunities.
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Old 09-17-2012, 05:38 PM   #15 (permalink)
 
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Congratulations on making the appointment! That's great One step toward recovery.

I don't know how your life will unfold, but you might experience what you have never imagined.. I thought I lost everything I had (friends, good grades, etc) and all my interests when I was 13 due to sever anxiety, but my life didn't end there. Life is a strange journey and it may lead you somewhere you don't think about now.

Anyways.. take one day at a time. Good luck with the therapy!
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Old 09-18-2012, 12:37 AM   #16 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jimjam View Post
When I consider how I've been living for the past 3 years, my depression at the current situation seems absolutely normal and rational. I'm actually more bothered by the fact that I didn't feel depressed and do something about this 3 years ago. How could someone let 3 years slip by them like that? That's insane. I've lost so many friends and relationships. Missed so many opportunities.
Well, you're starting to make steps towards recovery. It's time to rebuild. And the best part is, you can do it at your own pace.

When you're feeling better, try call the fiends you've lost contact with. The ones who respond positively to hearing from you are the ones who are worth your time. Some friends will always be there, no matter what.

And open up to people about how you've been feeling. I didn't share my depression with anyone, and all they saw was me becoming more withdrawn and irritable. If you open up, I guarantee you'll be surprised at how supportive some people will be. And this will contribute massively to your recovery.

I hope you start feeling better soon. I know the pain of depression all too well.
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Old 09-18-2012, 01:07 AM   #17 (permalink)
 
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jimjam, you write so ****ing good.

I vomited and spilled words in my yet to be approved thread.


Aside that, I feel pretty much like you, last week I spent in the bed for 38h straight without sleeping or going to bathroom, that was a record and needless to say I felt like ****. I don't have appetite too and I could starve no problem (after too much time without eating/drinking water, the desire to eat/drink goes away... in that 38h, after the 24h I was already feeling zero sign of appetite). I'm suffering also of that anhedonia thing (both motivational and consummatory).... things that I used to love in this life I can't enjoy anymore. We are doomed to to erradicated from this world, we don't belong here...
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Old 09-18-2012, 10:20 PM   #18 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by flower2blossom View Post
Congratulations on making the appointment! That's great One step toward recovery.

I don't know how your life will unfold, but you might experience what you have never imagined.. I thought I lost everything I had (friends, good grades, etc) and all my interests when I was 13 due to sever anxiety, but my life didn't end there. Life is a strange journey and it may lead you somewhere you don't think about now.

Anyways.. take one day at a time. Good luck with the therapy!
That was at 13 though. I've had no intervention in my whole life. No one ever set me aside and told me to talk to a counselor. It only reinforces my feelings of not being cared for. Even to this day, no one has ever offered help. It took me 22 years to fully realize a problem. Even then, I had to begrudgingly force myself to seek therapy, with no support from anyone. To me, that's the ultimate low in life -- when you look around you and see no hope in site, so you just throw in the cards and call it quits, flip the table over, and scream at the top of your lungs; but no one is there to hear you scream, and then you realize you have to pick up the cards and fix the table on your own, because you were playing cards by yourself the whole time.

I'm just worried that I am too far gone at this point. Only time will heal, but time is of the essence. You don't get a second chance at young adulthood. You don't get a second chance at being a teenager.

Its not that I will never have a chance at a happy life, but I've pretty much lost a chance at a normal one. Its getting harder and harder by the day to relate to people my age. They have so many experiences in common that I am lacking.

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jimjam, you write so ****ing good.

I vomited and spilled words in my yet to be approved thread.
Thanks, I wish I knew what to do with my writing ability. The double-edged sword with my writing is that I can only do it when I'm depressed. I've tried in the past, but I just can't write when I'm happy. I've been told to write a book by many people in the past, but I just can't see myself doing it. Because I can't really write in retrospect, I have to write as I feel in the moment. My sentences are just forced out with no emotion when I try writing in a good mood. But maybe that's just my SA. Who knows. I wish I knew what to do though.

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Originally Posted by crap View Post
Aside that, I feel pretty much like you, last week I spent in the bed for 38h straight without sleeping or going to bathroom, that was a record and needless to say I felt like ****. I don't have appetite too and I could starve no problem (after too much time without eating/drinking water, the desire to eat/drink goes away... in that 38h, after the 24h I was already feeling zero sign of appetite). I'm suffering also of that anhedonia thing (both motivational and consummatory).... things that I used to love in this life I can't enjoy anymore. We are doomed to to erradicated from this world, we don't belong here...
Oh god, I am so sorry. It really is the most horrible feeling ever. I'm slowly getting better, but not by much. Today I woke up and ate and showered just fine. I decided to start organizing some clothes, only to need a break shortly after. I sat on the couch, eventually fell over and slept another hour and half. I say "slept" loosely, because it was mostly day dreaming and staring at the clock. I literally watched the minutes of my life ticking away. Not much actual sleep. After that, I found the basic motivation to go outside.

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Originally Posted by Rola View Post
Man, this sounds very familiar to my 17 year old self I also read about your ex-girlfriend, so that might have contributed a lot to what you are feeling right now.

Anyway, I think deep down you know what you want to make you feel happy (friends as you stated and probably a place of of your own?), you should spend time thinking about that, write them down and day by day do something towards that goal... This could include researching the latest movies/music through online, magazines, cinema... They will help you develop knowledge and conversations. You might hate the idea, but you'll be surprise, there's something enjoyable for everyone. Or find ways to move out and get new flatmates online etc. From my experience I don't think forcing yourself to do hobbies really helps until you get whatever you desire (i.e. main source of happiness) sorted.

Ironically my parents and home environment are very much like yours - I have no privacy at all. I don't think they are setting a good example for your well-being rather they're just influencing you, so do whatever you can to get outside, that is one area I think you should force yourself to do. Staying indoors all the time can feel quite isolating, suffocating and it won't help you recover at all.

My crappy advice, but this is coming from my own experience. If you need someone to chat to, I'm always happy to be there.
Honestly, I don't know what I want. I don't feel desire anymore, in the very basic sense of the word. I lack desire for basic food, exercise, sexual desire, physical contact, hygiene, anything. I just don't "want" any more.

I think the only thing I have any base desire for at this point is "help." I feel like I'm just screaming for help inside, but my face remains blank. I don't even know what "help" means, I just need it. I want someone to care just enough to push me. I'm just waiting for the psych appointment at this point. I've got one whole day ahead of me, and no idea what to do with that time.

I just know that I'm going to snap on the doctor, spill out all of my emotions, and probably get cut off because there is only so much you can do in an hour long session... I'll just talk and talk and talk and cry and talk.

I feel as if I need full-time guidance -- like my own external conscience, a personal Jiminy cricket. But that's totally unreasonable to expect from anyone.
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Old 09-19-2012, 04:28 PM   #19 (permalink)
 
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I like to write somtimes too (but I write just some thoughs or conclusions), but it's very very rarely and when I'm not depressed.

I'm feeling better too but the SAD makes me stay in the bedroom without going out even to eat (I
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Old 09-19-2012, 04:29 PM   #20 (permalink)
 
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(I'm hungry but I live with people I don't know, so I can stay here no problem)
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