I so desperately want help, but can't find the motivation to do so.
For the last 3 week I've been so depressed that I can't seem to get out of bed. I'm now sleeping for 10 to 12 hours a day. I'm waking up in the afternoon, and going to bed in the early morning. I even have strong urges to nap in the middle of the day.
I've lost all appetite too. I feel my stomach grumble, but it feels like nothing. I don't feel pain when I'm hungry anymore. I have to force myself to eat simply from the knowledge that I will die otherwise, not out of any basic drive or feelings. And even then, I don't actually feel hungry, so I can hardly stomach a single meal a day. I haven't felt my mouth water in a long time. I'm probably eating something like 600 calories a day. I've lost 15 pounds in a month. I'll probably die if I keep this up.
Some days I don't even bother to shower, since I don't leave the house. There is strong logical voice in my head that tells me "get up and shower," but is quickly silenced by the emotional voice "what's the point?"
I know this is all because of my SA. I feel hopeless. I recently lost all of my friends. And I didn't have many to begin with. I have no one in my life who could even come to snap me out of this funk, and that knowledge makes the depression worse. No one will ever call me, no one worries about me.
My parents don't care. In fact, they are worse off than I. They're both shut-in recluses who never leave the house except to work. They're severe hoarders too, and I was forced to move back in recently. I feel choked by all this junk around me. I have a small corner to sleep in. I don't even have anywhere to set out my clothes for tomorrow. I've had to pile my laundry in a corner out of necessity. I can't tell what is what, and because of that I am often wearing the same thing outfit when I do find a reason to leave the house. All this just makes me feel even worse.
I have to pep talk myself for an hour just to get out of bed, going through the motions:
"Alright, get up... get up. Just get up. GET UP!"
"Ok, that's not working. That's too much. I've gotta take this in small steps. Ok ok ok."
"First, just turn off the fan. Just hit the switch. Its right there, you can do it. Good."
"Now turn on the light. Come on, its in arms reach. Lift your arm. Lift it. Just hit the switch."
"Good good. Now roll over. You can do it. Just use one arm, push yourself up. Alright."
"Its only 10 steps to the bathroom. Just have to find a towel..."
I have to consciously go through this every day just to force the motivation to wake up. A human being shouldn't have to do that. Waking up and taking shower should be second nature, not a strained effort.
When I am awake, I'm either on this site, Youtube, crying, or looking up psychiatric information. I used to be able to draw, write music, play instruments, sing, drive around town, play video games, or watch TV. I don't even have the motivation to do that; I don't even enjoy mindlessly watching TV anymore. I know
that if I can just do somethings that I enjoy I'll feel better. I know if I just finish a drawing, or go to the gym, I'll feel like myself again. But I can't even find the basic motivation to start either of those tasks.
I've lost all will to live, but I don't have a death wish. So I just keep going on like this, with no end in sight.
I really do want to help myself, but I realize that takes some amount of motivation. I wrote down a list of disorders and things I'd say to a therapist on a first visit. That was 1 week ago. I looked up "psychiatrist" and wrote down the address to the first one. That was 2 days ago. I can't make the phone call, SA is too debilitating. Today, I got dressed, got in my car, and drove off to the psych office. I drove past it twice. I saw the sign, and as soon as I did my gut began to ache. I felt so nauseous, I had to stop the car. I felt like I was going to vomit. Needless to say, I didn't go in. I drove home, feeling like I accomplished something. That a little effort is still progress. But driving to a building and almost puking at the sign shouldn't be considered "progress."
Its like I can't admit to help on my own. I know I need it, but the thought of confronting someone and bearing my soul to them is horrifying. I want the medication, I want the therapy, I want it all. I just can't bring myself to do it.
I've never felt so awful in my life. Towards the end of the night, I get really panicky like this. I feel very alert and in need of help, but its 4am now and I can't get help at this hour. I usually cry myself to sleep about now. By morning, I've lost all hope again. I can't get out of bed. I struggle. I take hours to eat and get dressed. By the time I do, its almost 6pm, and I still don't have the courage to go to the therapist. By the time I feel enough courage to get help, its almost midnight. I get panicky, and the cycle continues.
I want to wake up early and go to the doctor, but I can't wake up. I sleep in so late. I can't motivate myself in the morning.
I can't keep living like this. I have no one to talk to, and if I did I'd be too afraid to. Please, someone tell me something --anything-- that will give me motivation to get help. What can I do to break this awful cycle?
I keep telling myself to just force myself to the doctor,
but I can't. I really want to, but my anxiety and depression won't let me. I haven't even been diagnosed with anything yet. I don't even have the courage to get that basic treatment. Any bit of motivation is killed quickly by thoughts like:
"Its no use, why even bother?"
"Whats the point of even living?"
"There's no way out. Give up."
"Its only going to get harder."
I know this **** is completely irrational, but I can't fight it. It feels like its controlling me, against my better judgment. Like I said above, I'm having arguments in my head. One side of me is trying desperately to have the basic energy to move my legs to the bathroom, the other side of me telling me to just give up and piss myself in bed until I die.