Originally Posted by flower2blossom
Congratulations on making the appointment! That's great
One step toward recovery.
I don't know how your life will unfold, but you might experience what you have never imagined.. I thought I lost everything I had (friends, good grades, etc) and all my interests when I was 13 due to sever anxiety, but my life didn't end there. Life is a strange journey and it may lead you somewhere you don't think about now.
Anyways.. take one day at a time. Good luck with the therapy!
That was at 13 though. I've had no intervention in my whole life. No one ever set me aside and told me to talk to a counselor. It only reinforces my feelings of not being cared for. Even to this day, no one has ever offered help. It took me 22 years to fully realize a problem. Even then, I had to begrudgingly force myself to seek therapy, with no support from anyone. To me, that's the ultimate low in life -- when you look around you and see no hope in site, so you just throw in the cards and call it quits, flip the table over, and scream at the top of your lungs; but no one is there to hear you scream, and then you realize you have to pick up the cards and fix the table on your own, because you were playing cards by yourself the whole time.
I'm just worried that I am too far gone at this point. Only time will heal, but time is of the essence. You don't get a second chance at young adulthood. You don't get a second chance at being a teenager.
Its not that I will never have a chance at a happy life, but I've pretty much lost a chance at a normal one. Its getting harder and harder by the day to relate to people my age. They have so many experiences in common that I am lacking.
jimjam, you write so ****ing good.
I vomited and spilled words in my yet to be approved thread.
Thanks, I wish I knew what to do with my writing ability. The double-edged sword with my writing is that I can only do it when I'm depressed. I've tried in the past, but I just can't write when I'm happy. I've been told to write a book by many people in the past, but I just can't see myself doing it. Because I can't really write in retrospect, I have to write as I feel in the moment. My sentences are just forced out with no emotion when I try writing in a good mood. But maybe that's just my SA. Who knows. I wish I knew what to do though.
Aside that, I feel pretty much like you, last week I spent in the bed for 38h straight without sleeping or going to bathroom, that was a record and needless to say I felt like ****. I don't have appetite too and I could starve no problem (after too much time without eating/drinking water, the desire to eat/drink goes away... in that 38h, after the 24h I was already feeling zero sign of appetite). I'm suffering also of that anhedonia thing (both motivational and consummatory).... things that I used to love in this life I can't enjoy anymore. We are doomed to to erradicated from this world, we don't belong here...
Oh god, I am so sorry. It really is the most horrible feeling ever. I'm slowly getting better, but not by much. Today I woke up and ate and showered just fine. I decided to start organizing some clothes, only to need a break shortly after. I sat on the couch, eventually fell over and slept another hour and half. I say "slept" loosely, because it was mostly day dreaming and staring at the clock. I literally watched the minutes of my life ticking away. Not much actual sleep. After that, I found the basic motivation to go outside.
Man, this sounds very familiar to my 17 year old self
I also read about your ex-girlfriend, so that might have contributed a lot to what you are feeling right now.
Anyway, I think deep down you know what you want to make you feel happy (friends as you stated and probably a place of of your own?), you should spend time thinking about that, write them down and day by day do something towards that goal... This could include researching the latest movies/music through online, magazines, cinema... They will help you develop knowledge and conversations. You might hate the idea, but you'll be surprise, there's something enjoyable for everyone. Or find ways to move out and get new flatmates online etc. From my experience I don't think forcing yourself to do hobbies really helps until you get whatever you desire (i.e. main source of happiness) sorted.
Ironically my parents and home environment are very much like yours - I have no privacy at all. I don't think they are setting a good example for your well-being rather they're just influencing you, so do whatever you can to get outside, that is one area I think you should force yourself to do. Staying indoors all the time can feel quite isolating, suffocating and it won't help you recover at all.
My crappy advice, but this is coming from my own experience. If you need someone to chat to, I'm always happy to be there.
Honestly, I don't know what I want. I don't feel desire anymore, in the very basic sense of the word. I lack desire for basic food, exercise, sexual desire, physical contact, hygiene, anything. I just don't "want" any more.
I think the only thing I have any base desire for at this point is "help." I feel like I'm just screaming for help inside, but my face remains blank. I don't even know what "help" means, I just need it. I want someone to care just enough to push me. I'm just waiting for the psych appointment at this point. I've got one whole day ahead of me, and no idea what to do with that time.
I just know that I'm going to snap on the doctor, spill out all of my emotions, and probably get cut off because there is only so much you can do in an hour long session... I'll just talk and talk and talk and cry and talk.
I feel as if I need full-time guidance -- like my own external conscience, a personal Jiminy cricket. But that's totally unreasonable to expect from anyone.