Am I a meglomaniac, or simply trying to justify myself?

[Memories]

So, somewhere along the way, along with developing SAD and increased awareness of my own surroundings (as well as a paranoia, that tells me that everybody is watching me), i've somehow slipped into a new, egotistical side of my personality, that, although thankfully, allows me to walk outside into the streets with no fear of rejection, it also makes me incredibly convinced that everyone wants me. Or, everyone should want me.

And frankly, it's killing me.

I'm entirely sure, that this isn't my self esteem; otherwise, I wouldn't take such a hard fall if I realized that they didn't want me (if that makes sense at all), or feel so down. This isn't confidence... no. this is, some unhealthy, unstable, alter ego, that is tearing at me. And, it does not only apply to walking around on the streets; it's also during social interactions, work, school, everything. an undying necessity to be the absolute best at what i do. And, inevitably, i do fail to meet my standards every single time.

so, is this a new thing? Meglomania? Or will it go away along with my SAD?

[Oneiros]

It sounds like this could be a protection mechanism? If you don't feel secure when outside, but are also unable to deal with these feelings, then it could be covered with something like what you've described... That would be my guess, anyway.

In any case it's good that you realise that it's false... it must feel strange though? You sound like a very interesting person, to be able to watch this happen in yourself. It's a unique experience I think.

[yellowpaper]

wow, you just described ME. I just got out of a phase where I was extremely depressed, suffering from what I'd consider body dysmorphic disorder. Then I went through a phase where I feel like "everyone wants me" or that "everyone should want me." I feel like I'm falling back into the self digust phase again though. And I too feel like I need to be the BEST at anything I do.