Why men cheat? Can you have lots of responsibilities and be truly happy - Page 3 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #41 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 10:17 PM
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...I'd much rather my partner had regular sex partners I knew and trusted than a bunch of ONSs with randos for that reason. And ideally we'd all live together for as long as the relationship lasted.
Like Snow White and the seven dwarves?

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post #42 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:05 AM
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Like Snow White and the seven dwarves?
I'd be okay with that. Not sure I can find seven dwarves who'd be into it, though.

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post #43 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:56 AM
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I'd be okay with that. Not sure I can find seven dwarves who'd be into it, though.
Hey, dwarves can be freaky too!

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post #44 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 04:06 AM
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Hey, dwarves can be freaky too!
Okay, this got weird.

/derail

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post #45 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 04:24 AM
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Okay, this got weird.

/derail
[derail] I couldn't help it, I make no apologies. [/derail]

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post #46 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 03:43 PM
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Cheating often doesn't lead to long term happiness. One of the main problems humans have is choosing between pleasure and happiness. Pleasure often promises happiness but rarely delivers.

It's a lot like when you're a child and you want to eat nothing but junk food. Those foods provide immediate intense pleasure to your taste buds. As you grow older you start caring more about how the food makes you feel and the long term impact on your health. The pleasure of junk food leads to a stroke--that's not happiness.

I would choose responsibility because caring for those I love would bring me the most happiness.

I think many people want to be responsible but lack the self-control to do what they want.

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." Romans 7:15

Finally, I think that it's not just about self-control. The low level primitive desires compete with higher desires like love. If your experience and appreciation of these higher order desires has evolved enough it becomes much easier to resist these base urges.
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post #47 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 04:21 PM
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My brother fits perfectly into this scenario. He's married with two kids. He didn't date until his mid 20s and married his first girlfriend and date. Before that, he seem very frustrated and desperate to find a woman and also to get away from home. Now he has two kids, wife, a few nice cars and a decent house. The American dream. He works long hours at a boring job that he hates and abandons all of his hobbies. He then tells his friends this is what a successful life is and is very content with his situation. His wife is never home, always out partying with her friends and spends loads of money on clothes and stuff. Eventually I ran into her with another man twice. She was having an affair behind his back for a few years now. I didn't say anything nor do I care since I am not at all close with my brother. He just sees that he has a good but grueling job that he hates, two kids, cheating wife, few nice cars, decent house, this is much more than he ever dreamed of having looking back when he was in his mid 20s and never been on a date. Deep down I think he knows his wife is cheating and he doesn't care as long as she stays with him just for the sake of having a wife. They also sleep on separate rooms now for the past several years.
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post #48 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 04:29 PM
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My brother fits perfectly into this scenario. He's married with two kids. He didn't date until his mid 20s and married his first girlfriend and date. Before that, he seem very frustrated and desperate to find a woman and also to get away from home. Now he has two kids, wife, a few nice cars and a decent house. The American dream. He works long hours at a boring job that he hates and abandons all of his hobbies. He then tells his friends this is what a successful life is and is very content with his situation. His wife is never home, always out partying with her friends and spends loads of money on clothes and stuff. Eventually I ran into her with another man twice. She was having an affair behind his back for a few years now. I didn't say anything nor do I care since I am not at all close with my brother. He just sees that he has a good but grueling job that he hates, two kids, cheating wife, few nice cars, decent house, this is much more than he ever dreamed of having looking back when he was in his mid 20s and never been on a date. Deep down I think he knows his wife is cheating and he doesn't care as long as she stays with him just for the sake of having a wife. They also sleep on separate rooms now for the past several years.
What impression did you get from his wife at first? Did she seem like a good and generous person or was she a trophy?

You should tell your brother because you would want him to tell you. Brocode. I would hate for your brother to die mysteriously at the hands of his wife's lover.
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post #49 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 04:47 PM
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What impression did you get from his wife at first? Did she seem like a good and generous person or was she a trophy?

You should tell your brother because you would want him to tell you. Brocode. I would hate for your brother to die mysteriously at the hands of his wife's lover.
She's seems like a decent person with everyone. But she never liked me for some reason. She is one of those superficial types. If she doesn't like the way you look on the surface, she would not want to associate with you. I think thats what she saw in me. No not the trophy type. But she doesn't seem that interested in my brother from what I've seen.

My brother and I are not close. In many ways we are mildly estranged. So no brocode with someone you don't even talk to. Even if I do tell him, he will not believe me and it will just create problems between us. Best to just let him find out if he already doesn't know. If they are still together, it means it is working for them. If the affair does end up creating issues down the line, he will find out anyways. Regardless I think it is something that will reach its equilibrium eventually.
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post #50 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 06:06 PM
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Cheating often doesn't lead to long term happiness. One of the main problems humans have is choosing between pleasure and happiness. Pleasure often promises happiness but rarely delivers.

It's a lot like when you're a child and you want to eat nothing but junk food. Those foods provide immediate intense pleasure to your taste buds. As you grow older you start caring more about how the food makes you feel and the long term impact on your health. The pleasure of junk food leads to a stroke--that's not happiness.

I would choose responsibility because caring for those I love would bring me the most happiness.

I think many people want to be responsible but lack the self-control to do what they want.

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." Romans 7:15

Finally, I think that it's not just about self-control. The low level primitive desires compete with higher desires like love. If your experience and appreciation of these higher order desires has evolved enough it becomes much easier to resist these base urges.
Well, maybe, as people say, everyone's, you know, different, you know.

"I have no religion, and at times I wish all religions at the bottom of the sea. He is a weak ruler who needs religion to uphold his government; it is as if he would catch his people in a trap. My people are going to learn the principles of democracy, the dictates of truth and the teachings of science. Superstition must go. Let them worship as they will; every man can follow his own conscience, provided it does not interfere with sane reason or bid him against the liberty of his fellow-men."
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post #51 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 09:54 PM
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My brother fits perfectly into this scenario. He's married with two kids. He didn't date until his mid 20s and married his first girlfriend and date. Before that, he seem very frustrated and desperate to find a woman and also to get away from home. Now he has two kids, wife, a few nice cars and a decent house. The American dream. He works long hours at a boring job that he hates and abandons all of his hobbies. He then tells his friends this is what a successful life is and is very content with his situation. His wife is never home, always out partying with her friends and spends loads of money on clothes and stuff. Eventually I ran into her with another man twice. She was having an affair behind his back for a few years now. I didn't say anything nor do I care since I am not at all close with my brother. He just sees that he has a good but grueling job that he hates, two kids, cheating wife, few nice cars, decent house, this is much more than he ever dreamed of having looking back when he was in his mid 20s and never been on a date. Deep down I think he knows his wife is cheating and he doesn't care as long as she stays with him just for the sake of having a wife. They also sleep on separate rooms now for the past several years.
This story warms my heart.

Never give up people, you too could have the dream.

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post #52 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 02:22 PM
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Some man unworthy to be possessor
Of old or new love, himself being false or weak,
Thought his pain and shame would be lesser,
If on womankind he might his anger wreak ;
And thence a law did grow,
One might but one man know ;
But are other creatures so?

Are sun, moon, or stars by law forbidden
To smile where they list, or lend away their light?
Are birds divorced or are they chidden
If they leave their mate, or lie abroad a night?
Beasts do no jointures lose
Though they new lovers choose ;
But we are made worse than those.

Who e'er rigg'd fair ships to lie in harbours,
And not to seek lands, or not to deal with all?
Or built fair houses, set trees, and arbours,
Only to lock up, or else to let them fall?
Good is not good, unless
A thousand it possess,
But doth waste with greediness.


- Confined Love, John Donne, 1633

^ this guy gets it

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post #53 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 04:04 PM
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This story warms my heart.

Never give up people, you too could have the dream.
Honestly his life is better than mine. I live alone. Have the place alone to myself most of the time. I cope with my loneliness and boredom with all sorts of hobbies. Not having family responsibilities, I have nothing to use that money for other than using them on hobbies and leisures. No one at home, I am socially isolated with no one talking to me at home and sharing me about their problems, worries and displeasures at me. It sucks lacking that social emotional stimulation. Often times I imagine myself arguing with an imaginary woman at home to cope with my lack of social interactions. All I have is a stupid dog that licks and demands pets & cuddles from me. I also get so bored and lonely that I would have leave the house and go on random walks and drives anytime I want. Pursue all kinds of entertainment at home and buy all sorts of gadgets and electronics to fill that lonely hole in my life. Model and decorate my house and yard as a way to cope with my loneliness. When I am with family and people, I put on a smile and a low stress outlook compare to the rest of my family members due to the absence of family and relationship responsibilities. My smile and my lower stress mood is a way I hide my loneliness and severe depression in front of others. Meanwhile admiring my brother at the American Dream he has achieve. I would love to trade places with him any day. The guy wears a darn suit for work everyday with a set of weeks worth of rotating ties of different patterns and has 3 fancy smartphones that is loaded with constant important calls, texts and emails all day/night. And he has a freaking briefcase. My regular work attire are jeans and sometimes sneakers. My briefcase is actually a neon green and blue timbuk2 messenger bag. He looks like a Men In Black agent while I look like a teenage hipster.
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post #54 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 10:42 PM
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Honestly his life is better than mine...
Personally, his "dream" sounds like a nightmare to me, it doesn't sound like he has anything that I would value, but different people value different things.

Would you really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't even seem to like you? That would make me feel more lonely that being alone.

I get that you're lonely, believe me I do, but would any old person be enough to remove that?

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post #55 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 10:51 PM
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post #56 of 57 (permalink) Old Yesterday, 03:41 PM
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Personally, his "dream" sounds like a nightmare to me, it doesn't sound like he has anything that I would value, but different people value different things.

Would you really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't even seem to like you? That would make me feel more lonely that being alone.

I get that you're lonely, believe me I do, but would any old person be enough to remove that?
I was being sarcastic. Maybe I'm bad at it lol.

I will definitely not want most parts of his life. Yes, he does have a house, nice cars and a family and loving kids. But I am sure he's not happy and is pushing him and forcing himself to be happy. He's probably living in denial. I think he can honestly find or at least push for a common ground and yet still be able to maintain his "dream" life. Have something for himself. But he doesn't. I honestly am not sure how long he can last like this.

My parents keep bragging to me about how perfect my brother's life is and how they really wish I could be more like him. I always chuckle to myself whenever they tell me this lol.

My sister on the other hand knows whats up. She is married, but is holding off on having kids or buying a house as she and her husband are deciding to travel and spend money to enjoy their life before they get old. By then when they get old enough once they got all of their adrenaline out of the way, then they will have kids. At least thats what I think their plans are. My parents are very unhappy with her thinking she's wasting away the prime womanly years of her life of having kids.
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post #57 of 57 (permalink) Old Yesterday, 10:41 PM
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I was being sarcastic. Maybe I'm bad at it lol.

I will definitely not want most parts of his life. Yes, he does have a house, nice cars and a family and loving kids. But I am sure he's not happy and is pushing him and forcing himself to be happy. He's probably living in denial. I think he can honestly find or at least push for a common ground and yet still be able to maintain his "dream" life. Have something for himself. But he doesn't. I honestly am not sure how long he can last like this.

My parents keep bragging to me about how perfect my brother's life is and how they really wish I could be more like him. I always chuckle to myself whenever they tell me this lol.

My sister on the other hand knows whats up. She is married, but is holding off on having kids or buying a house as she and her husband are deciding to travel and spend money to enjoy their life before they get old. By then when they get old enough once they got all of their adrenaline out of the way, then they will have kids. At least thats what I think their plans are. My parents are very unhappy with her thinking she's wasting away the prime womanly years of her life of having kids.
OK, I'm glad you were being sarcastic then.

It's funny that there are so many things that others feel the need to pressure people into doing, and hardly any of it is based on what might make the person happy.

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