Controversial but S.A. related ..

[VIncymon]

Do any of you ever find it somewhat frustrating, that some people by their own definition, are married ( or in relationships ) have friends, have a good job, or otherwise by their own definition have what seems to be quite a normal life .. yet complain of having S.A.

Sigh .. I know this borders on the "comparing degrees of S.A" rule. Sorry, about that ..
What more can one ask for, in terms of social normalcy ? The purpose of socializing is to build and maintain relationships. If you've got friends, and a partner, then what's the problem ?

You don't have to be a politician to have a healthy social life.

[nothing to fear]

maybe it's because we still, uh, have SA. it doesn't magically go away once you officially have attained a friend and/or significant other. neither are easy having social anxiety, either. i have friends, some of whom i've known many many years since 1st grade, yet i still have anxiety going to parties, hanging out with them alone, i struggle to make decent conversation, i don't open up with most of them, etc.

if you look at it in that extremely vague way, then sure maybe i do have social normalcy. but besides that the problem for me is that social anxiety still holds me back with actually buildling strong friendships and enjoying my time with the friends i have, in many ways. (not to mention how i'm held back in other areas of my life)

as for being in a relationship, it makes certain things very very difficult as well. it's not like once it was official suddenly it all faded and i finally didn't have any social anxiety-related problems to complain about.
i can give examples if you'd really like.


i'm not sure what is complicated to understand about this, honestly.

[brokensaint]

Yeah, it really pisses me off to be honest. I've noticed that when I'm with friends or if I have a girlfriend, I could give a **** what other people think of me. I remember a few years ago, I was with a couple of friends (who were not social phobic) and we saw a few girls at the mall, in the food court. Guess which one of us dragged the others over to their table. Me. I sat beside the most attractive girl and told her that I loved her pants (they were pretty cool; sue me) before introducing myself and my friends. Afterwards, my friends told me how impressed they were with my confidence and indifference to the opinions of other people, especially those attractive girls. Point is, when I had friends that I trusted and a girlfriend or at least the knowledge that a girl was attracted and/or interested in me, I couldn't give a **** what the clerk at the convenience store thought of me. I had the same self-denigrating thoughts, but was too busy with my relationships to listen to them. Too many times, however, my neuroses got the best of me and those relationships would fade, leading to my return to pariahdom. I'm certain people with copious platonic relationships and romantic relationships still have SAD, but I'd hope that they weren't taking their relationships for granted.

[Drella]

That was a great story.

[IllusionOfHappiness]

I get jealous sometimes, but it doesn't bother me a whole lot. Everyone's got their issues, who am I to judge? If they achieved the same things I'm striving for, that only proves I'm not asking too much out of life. That happiness IS attainable.

It would have to be a pretty severe case of "wo is me" for me to take it personally.

[rcapo89]

Originally Posted by VIncymon

Do any of you ever find it somewhat frustrating, that some people by their own definition, are married ( or in relationships ) have friends, have a good job, or otherwise by their own definition have what seems to be quite a normal life .. yet complain of having S.A.

Sigh .. I know this borders on the "comparing degrees of S.A" rule. Sorry, about that ..
What more can one ask for, in terms of social normalcy ? The purpose of socializing is to build and maintain relationships. If you've got friends, and a partner, then what's the problem ?

You don't have to be a politician to have a healthy social life.

Hey I'm glad you created this thread. It has been over 3 years since I had ANY friends. Since I still live with my parents I interact with them but I hardly call this a social life. I STILL don't have my driver's license.

[Breakfast0fChampions]

1) If you still feel horribly uncomfortable in social situations and unable to be your true self, it doesn't matter if you have a spouse, friends, etc. You're still living with the anxiety.

2) Not everyone with a spouse, friends, etc. has healthy, supportive relationships with those people in their life.

[Hank Scorpio]

Originally Posted by VIncymon

Do any of you ever find it somewhat frustrating, that some people by their own definition, are married ( or in relationships ) have friends, have a good job, or otherwise by their own definition have what seems to be quite a normal life .. yet complain of having S.A.

Before it gets locked I'll say yes absolutely.

[Meee]

People are suffering from SA to various degrees, and having SA and friendships / relationships are not mutually exclusive. Just like some 'normal' people can end up being friendless in some cases, some anxiety sufferers can have relationships etc but still suffer when going out of their comfort zone.

Plus a lot of people have been on this forum for a while and made a fair bit of progress, but likely still class themselves as a sufferer of social anxiety.

I can understand your viewpoint though, i've had similar thoughts at times.

[Iced Soul]

(in before the lock)


Sometimes, but not really. I realize everyone has varying degrees of SA.

I will say, I have a job because, well, if I didn't no one else would support me. My family certainly wouldn't. School is also a must. If I plan on being a hermit for the rest of my life, I need a good job that will allow me to work at home, right? *wink, wink* Not really. I want to be a teacher.
I don't talk to anybody at either place very much, so it's not all that social for me.

And friends and a bf, well, don't have those, so guess I'm not too normal. Oh, well...

[VIncymon]

Let's keep it light people. So far, we're doing good. I don't think we've stepped on any toes yet.

To be fair to those who still feel anxiety, even with these "acheivements" I don't mean to belittle your anxiety.

After all, some may belittle my anxiety because i can make speeches and generally speak infront crowds. Its like the Michael-Jackson complex. Going on stage is easier than talking to reporters privately. Those who can't do public speaking well may feel angry at me, jealous.

Well, its the same feeling that makes some jealous when reading a post about someone who has a girlfriend / boyfriend for 2 years and complains of anxiety.

[Neptunus]

Yes... and... no. It's all about perspective, we create our own "Hell"... or at least make it worse.

[Breakfast0fChampions]

Originally Posted by Neptunus

Yes... and... no. It's all about perspective, we create our own "Hell"... or at least make it worse.

Exactly.

[BeNice]

I don't get it. What is a normal life? I have been accused of having "such a social life", but then I will rant about how much anxiety I experience. I put myself out there but I don't enjoy it half of the time or more. Surely, though, I must not have SA. I have a girlfriend now. I guess I don't qualify anymore. I have some friends and I go out without having full fledged panic attacks every time. I'm living the life here, sleeping on my mom's couch.

Maybe we can establish a checklist of normalcy with things like having a job, a relationship, friends, etc. If you meet too many you don't make the cut and you can't complain anymore.

[nothing to fear]

^ (to Breakfast0fChampions)

Originally Posted by VIncymon

Let's keep it light people. So far, we're doing good. I don't think we've stepped on any toes yet.

To be fair to those who still feel anxiety, even with these "acheivements" I don't mean to belittle your anxiety.

After all, some may belittle my anxiety because i can make speeches and generally speak infront crowds. Its like the Michael-Jackson complex. Going on stage is easier than talking to reporters privately. Those who can't do public speaking well may feel angry at me, jealous.

Well, its the same feeling that makes some jealous when reading a post about someone who has a girlfriend / boyfriend for 2 years and complains of anxiety.

yea, that is it too. i can certainly understand that feeling and in the beginning when i first began to hear about others experience with social anxiety i would sometimes think "their anxiety can't be that bad if they can do that..". but its pretty foolish thinking. the situations in which one experiences anxiety differ from sufferer to sufferer, not to mention that the reasons and other related problems can also vary greatly.


i'm sure there were points where i would think "well, one day if i'm able to do [this] then my problems would probably have been solved" but once i actually go through that experience or attain that goal, i would realize that things don't change that drastically. even if logically it would take the same effort as doing something else that is still very anxiety-provoking, i can't exactly just turn that off in my head. you know?

[VIncymon]

Originally Posted by BeNice

I don't get it. What is a normal life? I have been accused of having "such a social life", but then I will rant about how much anxiety I experience. I put myself out there but I don't enjoy it half of the time or more. Surely, though, I must not have SA. I have a girlfriend now. I guess I don't qualify anymore. I have some friends and I go out without having full fledged panic attacks every time. I'm living the life here, sleeping on my mom's couch.

Maybe we can establish a checklist of normalcy with things like having a job, a relationship, friends, etc. If you meet too many you don't make the cut and you can't complain anymore.

Dude, you may find this funny, but there is a seriousness to your post.

We should stop making our own hell.
We gotta learn to be thankful for what we have.

There is always better than can be done, but you cannot live your life always feeling miserable because of this.

So I haven't had a girlfriend, but i am thankful for my family and few friends.

So you get anxiety at parties, and don't have the job you want but be thankful that you have a girlfriend (or boyfriend) you can share with.


You've got to ask yourself, what exactly is it that you want in life ?

What would you have acheived that would convince you that you no longer have social anxiety ?

Let's not set unrealistic goals here.

One cannot expect to reach a point where he experiences no anxiety ?

Its not about erradicating anxiety it is about rising above it.

[drealm]

Your frustrations are certainly valid. As are all emotional frustrations, including jealousy. However, it's what you do with your emotions that separates what's acceptable from what's not acceptable. You can't do much about feeling a certain way, but you can find a healthy outlet.

While someone who has friends, mates, a marriage, party life, ect is an indication of a social life, I don't think it's an accurate or definitive measurement of being SAD-free. I'd think most of us would know best that SAD symptoms thrive beneath the surface. And that measuring SAD is further complicated by how much acting we put into intentionally masking our SAD from others

The problem with this kind of thinking is that your validating your own suffering, through possibly unintentionally denying others. This can lead to a slippery slop. There's a wide spectrum of differences within the SAS community. And there will always be someone here who's progessing better or in a better circumstance. While it would quench emotional jealousy to call these people out, the truth is SAD as a mental disorder, doesn't care who it infects. So logically speaking and medically speaking, it's a false premise to say these people are SAD-free from that criteria alone.

[nothing to fear]

Originally Posted by VIncymon

Dude, you may find this funny, but there is a seriousness to your post.

We should stop making our own hell.
We gotta learn to be thankful for what we have.

There is always better than can be done, but you cannot live your life always feeling miserable because of this.

So I haven't had a girlfriend, but i am thankful for my family and few friends.

So you get anxiety at parties, and don't have the job you want but be thankful that you have a girlfriend (or boyfriend) you can share with.


You've got to ask yourself, what exactly is it that you want in life ?

What would you have acheived that would convince you that you no longer have social anxiety ?

Let's not set unrealistic goals here.

One cannot expect to reach a point where he experiences no anxiety ?

Its not about erradicating anxiety it is about rising above it.

why do you assume we aren't thankful just because we express that we still struggle?
i am incredibly, incredibly thankful to have some of the people in my life, i can't even fully express how much i am to be honest. but just that knowledge doesn't always get me through everything. i'm also very thankful my SA has improved compared to when it was at its worse.

i agree with not setting unrealistic goals. i am not doing that either. sure i may have reached goals for my SA that i would hope for in the past but its far from gone and still debilitating in other areas of my life.

[rdrr]

First off, everyone thinks their pain hurts the most. Yes, there are varying degrees of sa, and I'm sure people get annoyed everytime they see another person make a thread regarding something they aren't able to do or hasn't done due to their sa. What I've learned is that sa is brought upon by many things; environment, negative situations, bullying, low self esteem, etc. This is why people you see who you say might be normal, might have had their sa manifest differently.

[MavenMI6Agent009]

of course its frustrating. anyone with sa probably knows what its like to try and relate with people regardless of severity.