I've worked in a few office environments. In my first job, which I was at for just over nine years, I worked between two offices. The accounts and the sales office. Fortunately, both were small and I never had to work with more than two or three people. I could handle it. They never had any social events, Christmas Parties or anything like that. In the sales office, it was a case of come in, do your job, perhaps have a small amount of banter and go home again at the end of the day. We all faced in the same direction also, so there was no direct eye contact or anything like that. You had to physically turn in your chair to look at people, talk to them e.t.c. The accounts office was a little more stressful because I had to work near the Finance Director (our depot was also the head office of the company) – who I absolutely loathed for about eight of those nine years.
I was made redundant from there in the summer of 2010. I can’t say I miss the place even though it was only a few miles from home and very convenient. My position basically become untenable after they slowly but surely removed work from me and distributed it around others – including someone who I actually trained up only months earlier. Constructive dismissal, basically. I ended up being signed off by my doctor with anxiety, stress and depression for four weeks (I could see what was happening, despite everyone denying it) before my redundancy notice was given to me. Oh yes – this was on my first day back from sick leave. What a wonderful ‘welcome back’ present…
In my current job, which I’ve been at for almost five years, the social situation is considerably worse for someone with SA. It’s an open plan office in which I work with six other people – all women. There’s two ‘pods’ of three (basically desks put together in a square) and two desks at each end – of which I’m at one of them. So, there’s a lot of overlooking each other in this job compared to the last. The pay is a little better (still barely more than minimum wage) and the atmosphere is usually okay. We have two directors. One you basically see once or twice a day as he walks through the office to make his coffee. The other has a more ‘hands on’ role and is the ultimate ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ character. Never mind judging his mood from week to week, or even day to day. His mood can literally change by the hour. :shock
All my current job has done is show up all my lack of basic social skills and my inability to be accepted by others. It’s actually forced me to join in with things and mix with people. Some say it’s good for me and to be honest, I have put in a lot of effort to try and break out of my shell. I’ve taken it as an opportunity to try to really change myself for the better, even though I’ve made myself ill in doing so. However, all it’s really done is show me that despite my best efforts, still no one wants to know me unless they're criticising me or making jokes at my expense. I knew this as a teenager, had a bit of a break away from it in my early twenties, made an effort to change myself in my latter twenties and now that I'm 30 – I’ve come a full circle and back with the opinion I had as a teenager. Only this time I'm wiser, I've tried and I know I simply can't make any in-roads to climb the social ladder. I'm still very much on the bottom rung and in my opinion, now kept there by others rather than it all being down to myself. Try to climb it (i.e - join in conversations or start you're own) and you're very quickly made to feel as though you're three inches tall. Not once, not twice but every single time.
I've learnt over the years that SA is something others need to understand and help you deal with. It’s not something you can fix all by yourself. Sadly, next to no one understands the condition and merely see you as a moaner or someone being purposefully awkward – when infact we're only responding to the treatment we get. Well – that's how I see it anyway.
Roll on retirement. It can't come soon enough. :time