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Old 08-05-2007, 03:59 PM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Default Why Don't I Want To Socialize?

I don't recognise any feelings I would call loneliness. When I ask myself why, the answer's clear: it's horrible being around people! If it's so fearful being around people for you, why do you still want to eventually do it? I don't get it.

I want to be alone forever. I know well that it's because of my irrational fear, it's not 'just my personality' or anything like that, it's fear-based. But I still hate the idea of having friends and socializing...

Why do you want other people around? Why do you feel loneliness? Any thoughts as to why someone like me wouldn't?

edit: hope it's clear what I mean here. Some SAers feel lonely and want to be doing what all the other socialites are doing. Not me.

edit2: Why's the internet not good enough social interaction for some SAers? What's lacking?
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Old 08-05-2007, 05:06 PM   #2 (permalink)
 
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It sounds like you may have Avoidant Personality Disorder, which can be considered an extreme form of SA. I have that too, although I wouldn't go so far as to say that I don't want to socialize or be around people. The fear for me is bad enough that sometimes it just makes me think that I want to be alone forever, although when I really analyze my thought processes, I come to realize that it's only a result of the fear, but that's not to say that without the fear, I would want to be around people 24/7.

I really can't give much advice in your case, except to ask that, are you taking anything for it? Also, try to ask yourself if you really don't want to be around other people; meaning, an extension of your true personality, or, it's all really just a result of the fear that you have.
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Old 08-05-2007, 06:50 PM   #3 (permalink)
 
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Default re: Why Don't I Want To Socialize?

The problems with that is, unless you don't have to support yourself, you're going to have to get a job and how well you get along with your co-workers has a lot to do with how well you'll be treated at work. Work can be a pretty miserable place for people with SAD.
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Old 08-05-2007, 08:01 PM   #4 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: Why Don't I Want To Socialize?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Recluser
I don't recognise any feelings I would call loneliness. When I ask myself why, the answer's clear: it's horrible being around people! If it's so fearful being around people for you, why do you still want to eventually do it? I don't get it.

I want to be alone forever. I know well that it's because of my irrational fear, it's not 'just my personality' or anything like that, it's fear-based. But I still hate the idea of having friends and socializing...

Why do you want other people around? Why do you feel loneliness? Any thoughts as to why someone like me wouldn't?

edit: hope it's clear what I mean here. Some SAers feel lonely and want to be doing what all the other socialites are doing. Not me.
i can relate, i think. i just don't have much of a desire to be able to socialize.. it's always the same and just getting worse, and i hardly ever enjoy myself, so it's not something i ever want to do because i never have been able to do it and i know i can't. i'm not often lonely, also, because i don't want to be around people... very rarely there might be someone i wish i could be around but it doesn't happen often.

i hope that's what you mean..
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Old 08-06-2007, 01:40 AM   #5 (permalink)
 
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Old 08-06-2007, 03:08 AM   #6 (permalink)
 
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Its ok to enjoy being alone. If you dont feel loneliness, thats cool. You might feel anxious around people when you DO want their company, but enjoying solitary activities is not necessarily a sign of some terrible condition. You just prefer your own company.

Some people can have loads of friends and still feel lonely because thats their need level. Some people can have one good friend and not feel lonely. Everyone is different, and though many people with SA are also lonely, the two dont have to go together. There are hundreds of different routes to social anxiety. If you dont feel the need to be around people, dont beat yourself up for this being your nature dude. But if you think its just a reaction to your fear of socialising, then thats something to work on.

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Old 08-06-2007, 06:13 AM   #7 (permalink)
 
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Default re: Why Don't I Want To Socialize?

If I wasn't constantly tense and anxious around everyone, who knows how I'd feel about social interaction. But since I am always tense, anxious and uncomfortable around other people, there's no way I would ever want to hang around people. That doesn't mean I am normally happy on my own, I just don't stand much of a chance of ever being happy when I'm around other people - as things are now.

I wonder what makes other people with SA desire to be social. Is it just your conditioning from society, you learn from others that it's a 'good' to have lots of friends? Or is it because you remember how fun it used to be before it became anxious?

I wonder could the answer to the title question be "the internet". The internet makes this kind of fun interaction, sharing of ideas, debates, humour, etc all possible without any anxiety of actual meeting up. So why's the internet not good enough for some SAers? What's lacking?
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Old 08-06-2007, 07:00 AM   #8 (permalink)
 
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I think the root of your problem is the main root to most seclusive peoples' problems, and that is: extended isolation.

What's the best thing for a person who's scared to leave their own house and interact with the rest of the world? Ummm, probably not leave their house and never interact with anyone from the outside world, right? Well, in your socially anxious mind, yes. You don't want to socialize because you've been away for so long that it has turned into a disgusting cycle, which is difficult (but feasible) to bring to a halt. When you stay home and lack social interaction, the only thoughts and ideas you're gonna be exposed to are your own, and most of these thoughts are probably gonna be negative. So everytime you're actual self (SA is not your real self) feels some sort of motivation to go out, your SA takes over (and there's nobody there to stop it) and says, "No, let's stay home! It's so much better to do nothing all day! Come on! Put a ****ing movie on! I wanna ****ing see 300!" So, this gets worse and worse, to the point where eventually, your SA talks your out of anything.

The remedy? Forced exposure. You need to force yourself to go out and acknowledge that there is a much more fascinating world outside of your door, than there is inside it. Once you find the balls to do that, you will find the testicles to speak to someone, and then, just like your brain adapted to staying home all day, it will adapt to going out. Of course, that's in a minute nutshell, because these things take time, along with lots of work, dedication, and practice (as does anything in life, except for staying home and doing nothing all day long).

So it's not that YOU don't wanna socialize, as much as it is that your brain has pretty much been conditioned, by the environment which it lives in, to have no interest in socializing.
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Old 08-06-2007, 07:15 AM   #9 (permalink)
 
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If he has no interest, then what is the motivation to change? Besides the job thing, which was a good point. If you don't feel lonely or the desire to be with people, then follow your desires. No need to conform to what other people think you should be doing.

As for me, the need is desperate. I feel strong anxiety when I'm with others, which is why I have isolated myself from society, but I also feel extremely lonely, which keeps me in a state of depression. I don't think I could ever be happy by myself.

The internet does not satisfy the need to be touched, nor does it create the type of connection one feels from looking into another person's eyes. Just as that type of connection causes intense fear for some people, it also satisfies a deep need that at least I have for human interaction.
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Old 08-06-2007, 07:35 AM   #10 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LostInReverie
If he has no interest, then what is the motivation to change? Besides the job thing, which was a good point. If you don't feel lonely or the desire to be with people, then follow your desires. No need to conform to what other people think you should be doing.
If a cancer patient has no interest in seeking chemotherapy should they simply give up and let their cancer spread throughout their body until they perish? Nobody is saying that anyone should conform to anything. Conformity can be weakness. If you can find happiness staying at home and doing nothing all day, then fine! Be happy and enjoy your life that you've picked out for yourself. However, if you're staying home doing nothing and you aren't happy and you're depressed and anxious and you wanna end your life, then why not change? Why not find some motivation to alter the obviously unhealthy life you lead?

Quote:
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As for me, the need is desperate. I feel strong anxiety when I'm with others, which is why I have isolated myself from society, but I also feel extremely lonely, which keeps me in a state of depression. I don't think I could ever be happy by myself.
You need to think about what you just posted. It's extremely paradoxical. Ok, let's start here: you're depressed. Your depressedion stems from your loneliness, which comes your lack of social activity and your solitary confinement. However, you feel anxious around people (which is the reason you've isolated yourself, in the first place). Let's look at this in terms of rationality (not what society thinks, but what one SHOULD think, i.e., common sense). Is it worth avoiding an anxiety-provoking situation, but compensating the anxiety for depression and loneliness. And have you really gotten rid of the anxiety by doing this? Are you happy? It doesn't sound like it. You're still posting on an anxiety forum, aren't you? My point is that if you can't feel happy by yourself, then you need to go out and alter your lifestyle. Can't you see that your SA has gotten the best of you and is content when you're not happy? Can't you see that your SA is basically impeding you from being happy? Why give in? Why not fight back? Why not strive for happiness?

You can be happy living in your artificial little world locked behind closed doors, but is the happiness really that realistic? Can one really say that they have "lived", while living behind closed doors? How do you raise a family? How do you get a job? How do you make money? How do you visit places? How do you go to the grocery store? Watching tv and spending countless hours on the internet is not a productive life. It's good that you (original poster) are acknowledging these signs early on, before it simply spirals down, and you have absolutely no interest to do ANYTHING (i.e., surf the internet or even watch TV). Then, your depression outweighs your anxiety, and you find yourself in a completely new boat of problems with nobody to even talk to.
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Old 08-06-2007, 07:45 AM   #11 (permalink)
 
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1. That's what I was wondering. Where's the motivation? Is he happy or isn't he? Happiness should always be the motivation, no?

2. If I could, I would, dude. Not everyone is as strong as you are. I never claimed my life was rational. If my fear is strong enough to stop me from interacting with others, then I suppose it must be worth it.

Quote:
Then, your depression outweighs your anxiety, and you find yourself in a completely new boat of problems with nobody to even talk to.
This is true. It is best to stay out of this boat.
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Old 08-06-2007, 08:08 AM   #12 (permalink)
 
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1. That's what I was wondering. Where's the motivation? Is he happy or isn't he? Happiness should always be the motivation, no?.
In my life, happiness and health are, about 99% of the time, motivational for me. Being healthy is being happy, but being happy doesn't mean you're healthy. Ultimate strength comes from a balance of happiness and health. Like I said, what's the ideal place for an SAer? Behind locked doors. But you can't truly expect to go on living your life behind doors: it's unrealistic and unhealthy. I know someone who is diagnosed with drug-induced psychosis. To him, life is perfect. He loves every aspect of it and he's "happy" (he's clean, now, too). BUT, he went to a different school last year, he hasn't seen his friends in over 2 years (and these are kids he's been friends with since he could walk/talk). He claims he's happy, which is fine, but is he leading a normal life? No. Is he in the position to go out and get a job? No. Does he have a girlfriend? No. Is he in any way mentally stable enough to interact with the world and have friends, etc, etc? No. You can lead a life where it's just you and your happiness, but you aren't gonna make a difference in the world. You aren't going to fulfill your happiness to the extent which it was made to reach. I hope you understand what I'm saying, and that I'm only trying to help. Do you have any friends? Anyone you can talk to in person? Are you happy? Are you healthy? Just think about it for a second. The nice thing about our lives is that we can say no at any time of the day and change. We can't go back in time and change what happened, but our timely decisions can definitely affect how our future will be. That's the beauty of living. You could get up from your computer right now and say, "You know what? F this. I'm unhappy and I don't wanna continue living like this, and I'm not going to, because I don't have to. I wanna be happy and I know that I can be happy if I wanna be happy". You have so many positive qualities about you. Everyone does. And if I could meet everyone on SAS, I would, and I guarantee I could find wonderful and beautiful things about everyone. Anyone could. You just need to sit down and get to know the person. But first, you need to get to know yourself. What do you wanna do? What are your goals and ambitions? Work on them. Life isn't a prison-sentence, so don't live it that way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LostInReverie
2. If I could, I would, dude. Not everyone is as strong as you are. I never claimed my life was rational. If my fear is strong enough to stop me from interacting with others, then I suppose it must be worth it.
Is it worth it? If your fear is strong enough to make you be scared of others, that doesn't mean it's a rational fear or that it's "worth it"; it simply means that you've let it gain far too much power. If something is impeding you from living a normal life, then it needs to be adjusted. It's hard, yes. And it may even sound totally unrealistic and irrational, since you've been living a life of fear and anxiety for longer than you can even remember, but that doesn't mean that it can't be ameliorated. I know you seem to be opposed to the stereotypical social upbringing, but to function in our world, you need to function in society. It doesn't mean you have to conform, but it means you have to function. Look at Hunter S. Thompson or at The Beatles or all these eccentric figures, who despite their differences, not only functioned in society, but even revolutionized societys' ways of thinking. This obviously doesn't mean you should go out and change the world tomorrow, but it means that it's all in your reach; it's in anyone's reach, but some people just have to work harder than others to actually reach for it.
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Old 08-06-2007, 08:20 AM   #13 (permalink)
 
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Not everyone wants to change the world, although I understand where you're coming from. At 17, I had all the hope in the world and was out to make a difference. A lot has changed in the last seven years. I appreciate your concern, but I am fully aware of everything you're preaching. It is not knowledge that I lack, but strength. Not everyone has the ability to be happy.

Ok, I'm done. Back to the OP.
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Old 08-06-2007, 08:24 AM   #14 (permalink)
 
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A social life can you you so much more happy than staying alone. Of course, when we're scared, it seems easier and a better option to run. But if you face your fear, social interaction fear, then the perks are wonderful.

Internet is not social interaction. You say lots of meaningful things on internet and no one will really understand or take it seriously. When you see the people you talk with, the conversations become a lot more meaningful, and real.
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Old 08-06-2007, 08:25 AM   #15 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: re: Why Don't I Want To Socialize?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Recluser
So why's the internet not good enough for some SAers? What's lacking?
sex!
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Old 08-06-2007, 08:54 AM   #16 (permalink)
 
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Originally Posted by moksha
Quote:
Originally Posted by Recluser
So why's the internet not good enough for some SAers? What's lacking?
sex!
Agreed

By the way, sorry I can't reply to your PM. I'm not sure what's wrong with it, but the administrators have blocked me from PMing anyone! But Jamaica was lots of fun. Thanks for asking. Hope all is well with you, too
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Old 10-03-2011, 08:47 AM   #17 (permalink)
 
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I know how you feel,
Can't say I know anything about it... Just don't wan't to go out to the doctors and get it checked...
Everytime I go out or someone comes to the door or something as small as that, my anxiety get's really bad, I get chest pains. I go to my room & play Xbox...
Tried medication for abit to help depression. DIDN'T WORK OF COURSE
Tried counselling. DIDN'T WORK
Tried a psychologist. DIDN'T WORK
Been through abit of **** I guess... Didn't take my Mum's passing very well.
Cutting and ****... Pretty bad untill my arms were fully covered...
Anyway,
My social anxiety is pretty bad, and getting worse...
I don't plan on having a girlfriend anymore... It's to much trouble, and I have a fear of getting hurt I guess, I don't know what to do anymore... Kinda sucks, But for some reason it's good not to see friends or anything... I just like doing my everyday thing... Wake up, shower, smoke & play Xbox.
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