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Old 08-26-2013, 12:48 AM   #21 (permalink)
 
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When someone attacks verbally, what is your first reaction.
Am I average when:

1) The nasty comment hits my ears, I immediately take it personally. I have been told by others that I am "too sensitive", just let it roll off your shoulders. These statements cause me to be even more insecure.

2) I get angry. snap! my face contorts and sometimes I snap back.

3) I retreat inward and beat myself up for days for not ignoring the comment.

My responses are so deeply rooted. I am a great target of the workplace bully(s). How can I let this ugliness just roll off?

You know what, my friend? I feel you are entitled to ingest what you are given and exude the emotion you feel accordingly. I may not be the best person to offer advice about this topic, since vituperative missiles tend to hit me with full force and do not offer any reprieve, but I hope I can offer my opinion with a useful outcome for you. Acknowledge how you sense, feel, and experience situations differently from those who lack the ability to automatically tap into an empathetic state or manually for that matter. It is not wrong to take words personally when the effect can justify the feeling. Recognize why it's hurtful, why it's being offered to you, and ask yourself if it is something within your power to be changed and whether you want it to be changed... Where are their words coming from? What are their intentions to incite these thoughts to you? Are they useful? Are they coming from a place of caring and desire to help or is it just to load their baggage onto you? Trust in how you may be right to be upset, to be angry and know how they may not be right. If their words exact the idea of your "wrong-ness" for being angry or upset, recognize how they could they be wrong about your feelings being wrong. And most importantly, if you ever obtain the courage to do this because believe me it was a major struggle for me to do, openly ask them the purpose of the statements. Ask them what these statements are for and what they want for you to do with them... if the question fits of course. These questions do not necessarily have to be asked in a way of angered affect, but a simple curiosity. From what I understood of your thread, it seems like you may be interested in knowing the "why" for their conduct and verbalizations. I do have to warn you, you may not like or have an appreciation for what they have to answer with... but I feel, for myself, it makes it easier to either be understanding of their motives or it makes it easier to justify the feelings of the initial assault.
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Old 08-26-2013, 12:59 AM   #22 (permalink)
 
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So I suppose I indirectly answered the question about how I would react, haha. I essentially broke down, for you, the process I go through when someone catches me off guard in an unpleasant way. However, I've taught myself to withhold my physical reactions until after I've thoroughly interrogated them about it. hahaha. I use to instinctually respond without a second thought; it took an extremely long time to learn how to not give in to the rampant emotions. I do, from time to time, still passionately assertion my distaste for something. I haven't yet figured out how to stop beating myself up for the ways I displease people or how I respond(even if I respond with "level" headed-ness) to these situations. I find I can only take comfort in the idea of the feelings I have to be temporary in effect and if/when another situation arises the feelings I have may be similar but are not the same as the feelings I had before. They are simply another sibling rather than the original haha. I do hope you shall find inner peace and when you do please tell me your secret And I promise I shall offer it to you, if I ever stumble upon it. haha.
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Old 08-26-2013, 04:39 AM   #23 (permalink)
 
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In my opinion the best way is to at least try to keep your calm in such situations. It's all about their point of view against yours - their subjective world and yours.

If you go and get angry about it, throw something back, it means that you have fallen to the level of their subjective world.

People respect those who keep their own side without being weak (at least in male world). You should also think hard about whether you yourself provoke such reactions in every way. People who just suddenly snap with negative comments without any reason just look like dicks and there is nothing you can do except keep yourself composed.

There is ultimately no one who can survive negativity without getting affected by them at all. Even the famous people get hurt even though people often think that they shouldn't care.

Ignoring works very well. People want reaction, the get energy from it. People who throw negative comments have a negative energy inside them which they are projecting to the world around them.

Short pause, maybe look them shortly in to eye and continue doing whatever you were doing / walk away.

Even though it feels like "doing something" would have been the best choice, always know that not reacting is the best way almost every time.

There is an exception like if someone is continuously harassing you, then action is definitely needed. If you ignore once, twice or maybe three times, it's still good, but after that it will only look like you don't have it in you to take action.
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Old 08-26-2013, 06:43 AM   #24 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by J220 View Post
I call them a c**t.
I do that if nothing sarcastic and condescending comes to mind
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Old 08-26-2013, 06:51 AM   #25 (permalink)
 
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Default Thank you the greatdiaphanous & Julesp

Your posts were extremely well written, thoughtful, insightful and spot on.
Yes, I want to know "WHY"!
I am always viewing myself as a victim, but you know what, I actually am a victim. I want so badly to change things, at least my initial reactions and stop the horrible why, why, why dialog in my mind. I often respond with rigid sarcasm and the "evil eye" look. In the end, I have always become the loser because the perpetrators run to the boss with complaints. That, I suppose is their way of reacting. I end up being "The Problem" accused of not being a team player. I will not stoop so low as to carry a concealed tape recorder to prove my innocence.
SA is not something I want to discuss with co-workers or employers. I do not want to give anyone ammunition to use against me and they will, given ample opportunity. 99% of the women I have worked with in Florida behave inappropriately; spend hours on their smart phones, cursing, low class, much to personal comments, constant teasing, giggling. I am in a professional occupation, diligent "nose to the grindstone" employee. I am also 20 years their senior and will hold firm to my work ethic. We work in an open space environment.

Empathy is found with the beautiful individuals on this board. I wish I would have found you years ago.

Wish I could "lighten up", but that would not be my personality or true to myself. I would feel uncomfortable behaving that way.
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Old 08-26-2013, 10:06 AM   #26 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whysounfair View Post

Wish I could "lighten up", but that would not be my personality or true to myself. I would feel uncomfortable behaving that way.
Thank you, your story really stuck to me.

I've been victim of similar things what you describe when I was younger.

It's really hard for me to believe that there are people like that in world of adults as well, though I shouldn't be surprised. Only a glance to any media is enough.

Those are really hard cases, where the group dynamics have formed in the way you described. I believe that you'll find the right way to make things good for yourself.

I agree with you that this board is an excellent place to find at least something good in this world. I've been present for only a while and I've already seen great people with great insight and influence.

I know exactly what you mean by "lightening up" because I myself could never do it even if I would have wanted to. I guess I just learned to live with it.
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Old 08-26-2013, 10:08 AM   #27 (permalink)
 
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Cerebral flatulence.
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Old 08-26-2013, 10:57 AM   #28 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by callmebas View Post
I get caught of guard and don't know how to react. I don't want to further expose myself and i play it cool like nothing happens, but i get angry afterwards and think of the things that i could say back and didn't. It is frustrating to keep all that anger inside, but at that time i just can't fall on their level and play their game. I guess the best defense is be offensive but under control.
Agreed.
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Old 08-26-2013, 05:23 PM   #29 (permalink)
 
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to KO them
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Old 08-26-2013, 05:39 PM   #30 (permalink)
 
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Depends if im sober or drunk.

If im sober and someone had a verbal attack against me, I wouldnt have the confidence to say anything back and would feel low and ignore it. Then later I would beat myself up about it and keep thinking why the hell didnt I say anything back.

If im drunk then I flip and have a go back. Worse still theres been times when I have been so wasted I had thought someone was verbally attacking me (even if they were not) and have turned round and had a right go at them
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