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Thinking that other people don't like me

20K views 12 replies 11 participants last post by  rizzles1985 
#1 ·
For ages now, I've always had this thought in the back of my mind that people don't like me, especially when I'm talking to someone new. This thought pops up a lot at university, with new friends or acquaintances. I've realized that I feel very insecure within myself - about my style, my hair, voice, personality, my body etc. I'm 5'7" and 151 lbs, and I'm not overweight or anything. I guess I compare myself to everyone. No matter what I wear, I never feel comfortable. It's like everyone has such awesome style, while I'm just boring.

I've always been shy/quiet, but over time I think I've come out of my shell a bit and now find it a little easier to interact with new people. Though, my anxiety often holds me back and stops me from being my true self. I think I generally present myself as being quite relaxed and friendly, yet inside I usually feel tense.

I also sense that other people are usually anxious or nervous around me too. They don't seem as comfortable with me compared to with others. I'm very observant, and I find myself noticing everything in relation to the other person's body language signals, facial expressions, tone of voice etc. I wish I wasn't so observant - that I could just enjoy our conversation instead of noticing all their non-verbal communication cues. I don't know what it is about me, but I just feel like people are disgusted by me or something.

It's like everyone else is just so confident. Please help.
 
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#3 ·
I feel that way as well. It's not your imagination, people generally aren't interested in you unless they need something from you. If you're not useful, you're not interesting. Humans are usually about "what have you done for me lately?" or, simply, "what good are you to begin with?" It isn't so much that people in general dislike us, it's that we bore them.
 
#6 ·
It's not your problem if they don't like you, it's theirs. I don't like turkey meat, but I don't go around screaming that it's crappy and everyone should stop eating it, you know?
Their problem.

There will be people that will like you. From your post and looking on your profile, I can say that I start liking you. That's one you have. :) I am sure there's plenty more like me.
 
#7 ·
Hi,

I think your way of seing things is not unusual for someone who has SA.
Of course I don't know you so I can only guess.

But research shows that social anxious are usually hyperfocusing on the body language of others but that they are above all looking for negative clues (hostility, nervousness, boredom...) while they tend, unconsciously, to ignore positive signs. So people may not see you in the way you think they do. The fact that you use the word "disgusted" is in my opinion another clue that your perceptions are very biaised in a negative way because of your insecurity. Unless you don't wash or something like that people are very rarely "disgusted" by someone, it's a very strong word.

Now nervousness calls nervousness, and if you are tense around others they will usually also feel nervous. People are not as confident as you think. The world is not divided between social anxious and outgoing super confident people (btw, you said everyone was superconfident but that they felt nervous around you. Not very coherent :) ).

Shy, nervous people have usually less friends than others, of course. They can make people feel nervous and be considered a little boring by outgoing indiviuals. But there is a big difference between being indifferent to someone and not liking someone. It's rare that someone doesn't like someone else for no reason. It's not because people feel nervous around you that they don't like you. Most of them are not stupid and can see your shyness.

So here it is you have to work on your thoughts. Unless you look like a monster or something like that it's all in your head. People are not disgusted by you. They may be indifferent or nervous, but probably very few "don't like you".

If you can t stop being super observant try to spot the positive signs. Also if people come and speak it's a good sign in itself even if they look nervous.

As for everyone having an awsome style...
Haha again bulls.hit, it s your insecurity. A lot of people are random, and anyway syle is subjective.

You seem to be aware that you have a low self esteem. Well try to learn from that. Understand that it influences you reality and try to systematicaly question your negative perceptions to assess if they are realistic, knowing that your way of thinking is exaggeratly negative. If you can t do it yourself maybe consider a therapist.

Good luck
 
#8 ·
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I also sense that other people are usually anxious or nervous around me too. They don't seem as comfortable with me compared to with others. I'm very observant, and I find myself noticing everything in relation to the other person's body language signals, facial expressions, tone of voice etc. I wish I wasn't so observant - that I could just enjoy our conversation instead of noticing all their non-verbal communication cues. I don't know what it is about me, but I just feel like people are disgusted by me or something.
Yeah I noticed this years ago. No matter what I do, what I change, people just seem to not want to talk to me, they are so relieved that the conversation with me is over. I didn't say anything wrong either. But the moment they talk to someone else they've never met, it's like they've known each other for years. But, even if I didn't notice this, I don't think their expectations/first impressions of me would change. I guess I'm not interesting enough or whatever. I mean, they don't give me a chance to get to know me, while I try very hard to get to know the other person.
 
#9 ·
yes! also I don't think I look how I'm supposed to regarding my hair & style but I'm too afraid to change it & people noticing I look different & attract attention. so I'm just plain jane plus getting makeup a drive & going hairdressers fills me with fear, mostly because I don't feel good enough to be in those places, people think I'm weird & ugly :(
 
#12 ·
I recently met a guy who stared at me dead straight and silently after muttering a few words for replies. It definitely made it feel awkward and I started getting anxious not knowing how to respond. It was easy to turn to someone else and avoid him, but I understood that I probably have a similar problem in a different way as well, so I still tried to talk to him. I found he just had a different way of talking. But this made me realise this maybe just a reflection of how maybe other people may view talking to me.
 
#13 ·
Tell me about!I believe that the case is not that people dont like us but that we make them feel uneasy and uncomfortable. There are very few who want to try to get to know you,most people are interested in easy relationships and extroverted people.
Four months ago I started a new part time job in order to add to my income. I tried so hard to be good at it and I have succeeded,I can honestly say that I am doing my job as best as someone could. But I am terrible at making small talk and fake smiles so I really struggle with the other people working there. I know that most of them find me weird and the only person that seemed to be kind to me left a week ago(it's a ****ty company to be honest). The supervisor is a masked wolf,he plays friendly and I am now sb who can pretend so he doesnt lile me.
Long story short I sent him a proposal this week telling him I tried to organise the clientele and everything in a more efficient way and politely asking him to check it out.He replied that it was ok as it is and he didnt want to see it.so he rejected it without looking at it at all.And at that moment he put an add in the newspaper for my position.
Most of the people are cruel but you must bear in mind that we continue existing for the very few who look behind our red faces and trembling hands.
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