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Talking just for the sake of talking...

10K views 15 replies 13 participants last post by  will666 
#1 ·
I've noticed when I am in a meeting, that I will force myself to speak or comment when it really isn't necessary. Sometimes I may reiterate what the person said or agree with the person. Yet sometimes I believe these thoughtless comments are doing me more harm than good. My purpose in doing this to to prevent people from saying "wow, she didn't talk once". So therefore I make an effort to say *something*, yet it may not be of value or substance.

Anyways, just thinking out loud here. If anyone has experienced something similar or has tips to overcome this, please post. :)
 
#2 ·
Ah, I do the same EXACT thing, sometimes I feel stupid because people don't acknowledge that I even spoke, but I think it does keep the anxiety from building. I try to get people talking about themselves, people like somone who listens and there arn't enough of them in this world. But yeah, I definatly do that and it's a great alternative to staying quiet and allowing the anxiety to build more and more, and becoming that 'quiet' guy
 
#4 ·
I have only one tip to overcome it. Well actually, two.

1) Listen. Place your mental focus on what people are saying and how they feel - not what you are feeling. Get outside your head.
2) Don't say anything

Write down beforehand what you expect to happen. Be totally honest.

See what happens before, during and afterwards. Compare to the prediction. Let thoughts form as they will. See how you feel and what happens when you discipline yourself not to speak. See if theres anything you learn (from an SA perspective) from the exercise that you can carry over to the next meeting that may inform your decision as to what you do or do not say.

Ross
 
#6 ·
Re: re: Talking just for the sake of talking...

BeachGaBulldog said:
"When I have something to say, I will say it."
This is my attitude as well. I think I'm proud of not being someone who talks just to hear myself speak. Not to mention, usually when I do speak up people listen (because it isn't that common). That being said, when I get nervous I tend to um, babble, about anything. I don't like this one bit.

Also, more to the point, I had a class last year where we were required to write down three questions before the class and then we were supposed to ask one of them during class. You would think, given that I prepare for class by having whole conversations in my head anyway that this wouldn't have been a big deal (I'm trying to stop doing that). No. It was terrible. This is the first time I've felt like I was going to be physically sick every time I had to talk in class. I think (now) that the problem was that I couldn't just follow the conversation and ask a question when it came up. I felt like I had to be constantly looking for an opportunity to ask my question. Oh, yeah. Its making me feel crappy just thinking about it.

So I guess my point is that I think you have to let the situation dictate whether you will speak up.
 
#7 ·
I feel there are 4 things that happen:

1. You don't speak - you feel anxious/judge yourself on what wasn't said
2. You don't speak - you feel comfortable
3. You speak - you feel anxious/judge yourself on what was said
4. You speak - you feel comfortable

The need to speak to be seen as someone who isn't quiet is based on anxiety and your attachment to what other people think of you.

When you feel relatively comfortable, there is usually no anxiety or strong anxiety in your mind.

The point is this:

It does not matter what others think of you, it does not matter if you speak or not, it does not matter at all. What matters is that your mind is free of this anxiety that mistakenly makes you believe what others think of you is so important. You can of course still speak and act in ways that others will think of you in good regard but this should not rule our life to such an extent as to cause such anxiety.

Holding such high expectations of yourself also will errode your confidence. You have lots to say but because you care so much of what other people think, you don't speak your mind, you can't, because anxiety is polluting your mind and sews your mouth shut leaving you in some nasty abyss struggling to get out of. Unpleasant. Doesn't have to be this way.

A few things that have helped me:

1. Set yourself a goal that you can focus upon, to say maybe just one thing, thats it. Then you meet your goal and be happy that you made it. No further thinking required at all. No self analysis. No - i could have said this blah blah, nothing. Meet your goal, be happy with it. End of story. No need to beat yourself up, coz you did what you set out to do. No further expectations of yourself to 'perform'.

2. Say something first if possible, spontaneously then be happy and relax.

3. Be the quiet person. Say "it's ok" to be the quiet one.

4. Realise deeply that anxiety is deceptive, robbing you the feeling of being comfortable, that anxiety mainly arises due to your own mistaken belief of what other people think of you. Because when you perceive other people, this belief comes out to play, like a bully in your mind making you feel so weak. Laugh at it, actually generate within your mind a blase attitude toward the anxiety you experience. Say "yeah so what, big deal!"

Aron
 
#8 ·
Thanks for the tips everyone.

Aron, it's odd that you mentioned telling yourself, "it's OK to be the quiet one" , because that's what I told myself today during lunch with my coworkers.

I was able to talk with a fair amount of ease. However there were times when I was quiet during the conversation because I had nothing to say or contribute. Then I caught myself saying to myself, "oh uh, you're too quiet, you have to say something". Then I changed that thought to, "I have already said something and it's OK not to say anything. I don't have to be the heart of the conversation and entertain everybody. It's ok to be quiet".

I honestly think that it's the medication that is starting to kick in. I remember going out to lunch in the past with my co-workers and my hands would shake when picking up the glass of water. Today I was able to pick up the glass and drink the water without any problem.
 
#9 ·
I agree with you that it is probably doing more harm than good. If you just listen, wait and allow your naturally curious and smart mind to work, you'll think of an intelligent question or remark. Listening is a lost art and managers need good listeners.
 
#10 ·
gracie

I used to shake real bad when eating with others, it was awful.

When anxiety is in our mind, it pollutes how we see ourself. We project a perfect way we should act in front of others and when we dont perform at this level, we beat ourself up. So we need to be patient with ourself according to what we can actually do.

We need to understand that we wont be able to be anxiety free right away, it takes time. We should build our confidence slowly. Little by little, growing steadily.

Good stuff!

Aron
 
#11 ·
I have done the same thing, I try to say something when I would agree with them. If there's a fact that I realize that people don't know I would use that opportunity to mention it. If people say I never say anything it makes me self-concious and I can't, I have to avoid that quiet label. I also noticed the more I want to say something the more difficult it is to do.
 
#12 ·
Re: re: Talking just for the sake of talking...

Aron James said:
gracie

and when we dont perform at this level, we beat ourself up. So we need to be patient with ourself according to what we can actually do.

We need to understand that we wont be able to be anxiety free right away, it takes time. We should build our confidence slowly. Little by little, growing steadily.
So true, so true. Who needs enemies when it's me that is lashing out the internal verbal abuse.

*sigh* I had a pretty bad today and I beat myself up about it.

You're right, it's practice and patience.
 
#13 ·
Re: re: Talking just for the sake of talking...

BeachGaBulldog said:
I have always been quiet, and a person who always thinks before he speaks, which I am extremely proud of. People have made comments about my lack of talking, and I always say, "When I have something to say, I will say it." That has always shut them up every time!
:ditto

I'm not a person to 'run off at the mouth' unless I'm very, very tired, in a really good mood or feel a pressing need to talk about something (with a very close friend, not to just anyone). Generally, I don't say much to anyone unless I have a reason to say it.
 
#14 ·
I've noticed I've done the same thing.

Three things that I do in social situations;

* I always try to say something even if it does not interest me, just to avoid being labeled as the quiet one. Then I start looking at the other people and see if I'm the most quiet one, like "That guy has said 2-3 things,,,,that guy hasnt said anything" etc.

* I say things I know people will agree with me on, even though I dont necessarily agree. This is painful. Alot of the times I will start gossiping about someone who isnt there, just because I know they will agree and find it interesting, even though I hate backbiting and gossiping! Makes me feel cheap to disown my own principles just to feel comfortable.

* I make alot of jokes. Ive always been known as the "funny one" so I feel I have to maintain that image, trying to say something funny about everything, even though I don't really want to.
 
#15 ·
A major problem I have in group settings is that I overthink so much about what I should say that by the time I've formulated, rehearsed in my head, and perfected my response, it's either too late to say it, or somebody already said something similar. I really need to start relying on my instinct; if only it was more trustworthy. :sigh
 
#16 ·
i hate to always feel the need of pleasing people when i talk. like say something they will agree and say yes to everything they say even if i dont agree or dont know what they are talking about, it starts to get repetitive and they start to like notice theres something wrong with you, itd be nice to just speak your mind, contradict them, bring up what your really interested in talking about, unfortunately its not that easy.
 
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