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Old 04-21-2011, 07:08 PM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Default Social anxiety around the opposite sex. How to accept being a lonesome ugly weirdo.

I know most people can be nervous around members of the opposite sex, but i get extreme anxiety / panic attacks, when having to interact with most girls. This is just in ordinary situations, like the nurses when i was in hospital, and cashiers in shops etc. I seem to treat these mundane situations as if they are a first date or something (i know, i'm a creepy weirdo) and get super anxious.

The logical part of my brain realises i'm an ugly loser, yet rather than just accepting this, another part of my brain tells me to be super nervous and self concious around most girls. It's like subconciously i think i need to make a good impression, as there's a chance she may like me. However, i am a proper ugly weirdo who no girl would ever go near in a million years (i'm afraid this really is no exaggeration - i really am that ugly and creepy). But i just can't make my subconcious brain accept this.

This leads to incredibly awkward interactions, as most girls are completely freaked out by me. I think it's the combination of the weird ugliness, coupled with the extreme shyness and anxiety.

I think if i could truly accept i'm an extremely ugly weirdo with social anxiety, who will always be alone, i would be a lot happier, and less anxious. The worst part of it all is seeing how uncomfortable and freaked out the girls are during these awkward interactions.

Does anyone else find their social anxiety is much worse with the opposite sex, and have you found a way of getting over it?
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Old 04-21-2011, 07:29 PM   #2 (permalink)
 
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First of all, I doubt you're a creepy ugly weirdo (even if you think you are.) But unlike you I have reall bad anxiety no matter who I'm around. And some girls (like myself) actually like guys like you. I don't know why I like people like that, I guess because they're different. And it's better then some overly cocky douche. But like I said, there are girls out there that actualkly like people like you.
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Old 04-21-2011, 07:30 PM   #3 (permalink)
 
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Not just women, but human beings can read body language. If you are constantly thinking that other people don't like you, it may be showing to the person you are talking to.

It may be cliche on this site to tell you to think more positive about yourself, but it's also true.

It helps out a lot to keep putting yourself in these uncomfortable situations. Then the situations have less meaning because you are in them more often, which will take the pressure off of you.

The good thing about this site is you can see that you aren't the only weirdo out there. There are millions of people on this planet that have the same problem as us.

I know it's so much easier said than done, but try to stop caring so much about what these women think of you. You don't need to impress them. They are just human beings like you are.
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Old 04-21-2011, 07:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I know what you mean. But damn, you really get down on your looks though, but I understand that feeling. Surely its not as bad as you say though. Post some pictures if you'd like and I am sure people would tell you you're over reacting. You just need some confidence man
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Old 04-21-2011, 09:43 PM   #5 (permalink)
 
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I think you should do something to improve your confidence. Do you think there is anything about your appearance that can be enhanced? Like a good haircut or get rid of glasses? I would also say to spend some cash on nice clothing if necessary.

Having said that, the above helps, but I also know a bunch of ugly people that seem to have no SA and appear to accept themselves the way they are.
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Old 04-21-2011, 10:17 PM   #6 (permalink)
 
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at my work their is this girl ive been trying to talk to, trying being the key word haha. i get really nervous when i talk to her. i ask her things like what is she interested in, or what is she majoring in and get really short answers that i cant build off of. so i end up just asking her another random question that gets stupider and stupider and end up stumbling away yelling at myself in my head! the other day she handed someone else i worked with a bag and said somethign to him in a flirting voice, then handed something to me said here and turned her head the other way. when i walked away i heard her say something like still think your cool or something like that. i dont get it. i would be the first person to say i am a piece of **** and the biggest nerd/loser on the planet and this girl doesnt like me because she thinks im trying to be cool!? what is going on!
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Old 04-21-2011, 11:24 PM   #7 (permalink)
 
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i feel your pain man, i seem to be able to talk to a girl especially if it starts over text messages. I am unable to make physical contact, literally in bed next to her and just paralyzed.
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Old 04-22-2011, 03:29 AM   #8 (permalink)
 
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Old 04-22-2011, 05:50 AM   #9 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HANNi18 View Post
First of all, I doubt you're a creepy ugly weirdo (even if you think you are.) But unlike you I have reall bad anxiety no matter who I'm around. And some girls (like myself) actually like guys like you. I don't know why I like people like that, I guess because they're different. And it's better then some overly cocky douche. But like I said, there are girls out there that actualkly like people like you.
Thanks for your kind words. To be honest, although my anxiety is worse with girls, it's also a probelm with guys as well. I find if the person doesn't seem freaked out by me, it puts me at ease, and the interaction can be almost normal. The problem is i'm totally reliant on the other person not being freaked out by my appearance and anxiety. Girls tend to freak out more, as i'm more nervous around them, and ugly nervous guys tend to scare girls more than other guys.

With regards to girls liking guys like me, trust me, they really don't. This is not a big problem as i completely understand why, and if i was in their shoes, i would also be completely freaked out by me, and resent me for making what should be a mundane interaction, extremely awkward.

Also, because of health problems, and being an ugly social weirdo, having a girlfriend is something that will never happen (i'm not saying this looking for sympathy, it's just being realistic, and not overly negative as it may seem). This just makes the whole getting anxious around girls seem completely pointless, but like i said, unfortunately i can't get a part of my brain to accept this.
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Old 04-22-2011, 06:05 AM   #10 (permalink)
 
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Honestly, I get exactly where you are from. Aside from the anxiety I feel around others, especially around the opposite sex, I also feel like I'm a creepy, ugly weirdo. And from what I may extrapolate between you and I, this is not us really being negative! Our objectivity arises from the reactions of others to ourselves and us knowing the precise actions and mannerisms that put us in this place. It just often seems we can't do anything about it, so we continue to be that creepy, ugly weirdo.
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Old 04-22-2011, 06:08 AM   #11 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IcemanKilmer View Post
Not just women, but human beings can read body language. If you are constantly thinking that other people don't like you, it may be showing to the person you are talking to.

It may be cliche on this site to tell you to think more positive about yourself, but it's also true.

It helps out a lot to keep putting yourself in these uncomfortable situations. Then the situations have less meaning because you are in them more often, which will take the pressure off of you.

The good thing about this site is you can see that you aren't the only weirdo out there. There are millions of people on this planet that have the same problem as us.

I know it's so much easier said than done, but try to stop caring so much about what these women think of you. You don't need to impress them. They are just human beings like you are.
Thanks for your post. I've seen some of your other posts, and you come across as a really nice and intelligent guy.

I think a big problem for me is i'm not very self aware, and don't really realise just how badly i'm coming across to others during these awkward interactions. Before i try to be more positive, i think i probably need to truly accept that i am an ugly nervous freak, and find a way to be ok with it. For example, i cannot bear seeing myself on video, and to be honest although i've been filmed by family a couple of time at Christmas/Bitrhdays etc, i've never watched it back, and i don't think i could do.

This probably sounds stupid, but i can't even video myself and watch it back( a lot of this is because my ugliness is a lot worse from the side, and you never see yourself side-on apart from on video, and also my voice is truly awful sounding). Just thinking about it makes me feel panicky. I would have to face up to just how weird and ugly i am to everyone else, and i don't have the guts to do this. If i did it could go two ways, i would either come to terms with how i look and sound, or more likely get freaked by how i'm even more ugly and weird than i realise, and would just feel even worse. Unfortunately, i think this is the first step i'd have to take to ever improve this.
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Old 04-22-2011, 06:21 AM   #12 (permalink)
 
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Originally Posted by Absurd View Post
Honestly, I get exactly where you are from. Aside from the anxiety I feel around others, especially around the opposite sex, I also feel like I'm a creepy, ugly weirdo. And from what I may extrapolate between you and I, this is not us really being negative! Our objectivity arises from the reactions of others to ourselves and us knowing the precise actions and mannerisms that put us in this place. It just often seems we can't do anything about it, so we continue to be that creepy, ugly weirdo.

Thanks for this, it helps to know someone gets where your coming from.

I know with social anxiety you can be paranoid, but freaking out almost every girl i meet really isn't a figment of my imagination. Seconds after meeting me they often look wide eyed with terror, and sometimes even a bit shaky. This is by far the worse part of social anxiety for me. I mean, i can cope with being a ugly weirdo, but when i'm making other people feel scared and nervous, it makes me feel terrible.
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Old 04-22-2011, 06:28 AM   #13 (permalink)
 
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Originally Posted by SMR View Post
I know what you mean. But damn, you really get down on your looks though, but I understand that feeling. Surely its not as bad as you say though. Post some pictures if you'd like and I am sure people would tell you you're over reacting. You just need some confidence man
I wish this was the case, but unfortunatley i really do have a face that not even a mother could love (this is actually true - when i was about 12 my mum used to tell me i should get a nose job when i'm older - wow thanks ma! way to make an adolescent kid feel secure and happy about themself! I'm joking really though, as she was just being honest, and it's better people don't delude you into thinking your something you aint).

There is no way i could ever post pictures of myself. To be honest i almost can't relate to people that have social anxiety, but can still post photos/videos online. I feel panicky and stupid just writing these anonymous post!
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Old 07-05-2012, 09:08 PM   #14 (permalink)
 
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Well I hope things have changed for the better since you posted. Even if they haven't realize that not everyone is judgmental of others. What I found is that when I was having shyness issues around girls, I would just make some guy friends and talk to them about what made them successful in their dating and relationships. You would be shocked at how freely and openly they are willing to share their knowledge with you. It's often easier for a guy to connect with other guys and maybe one day you can approach girls together to take some of the pressure off of your shoulders. Hope that helps!
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Old 07-05-2012, 09:12 PM   #15 (permalink)
 
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Well if you wanna accept it and move on...

Get really good at something, and take pride in it. Find hobbies you enjoy, and practice them. Find like minded people who enjoy the things you do. You can be a lonesome ugly weirdo and still have a personality, and good social skills. But if you want to be alone forever, just try not to form and friendships and don't even think about dating, or the opposite sex whatsoever. You might have trouble though if someone takes a shine to your personality, despite your claims and desires.
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Old 07-05-2012, 09:40 PM   #16 (permalink)
 
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Have you considered seeking therapy? It sounds like your problem is not so much SA as distorted perceptions of your own appearance.

Edit: Just noticed thread is from April of last year. I doubt that OP is still reading these. Really gotta start checking on dates before I post in future.
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