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SA makes me feel like a stalker

4K views 15 replies 12 participants last post by  odd_one_out 
#1 ·
I've noticed that whenever I find someone I like as a friend, colleague, or in any other way (even on here), I go out of my way to avoid them because I get it into my head that I'm some kind of stalker.

I have this fear in the back of my mind that if I do anything at all to show interest they'll get creeped out and accuse me of stalking. Maybe it's that I feel unworthy of having the company I really want? Or maybe I can sense my social skills are poor enough that they might actually give off that stalking impression.

Anyone else get this?

If I'm in their company I deliberately tone down any enthusiasm and adopt closed body language because I'm terrified of them finding out I like them, and this is just in the friendship kind of way! It's quite rare for someone to grab my attention so I haven't really thought about this as much as I should have, let alone gone about dealing with it. I think what's triggered these thoughts is that I'm even putting up this defense with one of my current friends. I know I'd end up feeling like some kind of creep if I somehow managed to stop holding back and let some warmth show. I can't bring myself to show warmth and how I like them, despite how they're due to have major surgery in a couple of days. I also don't know how to go about it. I've rarely cared about someone this way.
 
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#4 ·
ebolarama said:
Usually people like me one day and want nothing to do with me the next. This happens without warning. I don't want the other person to think I'm slow and think that I think they still like me when they don't so I always act disinterested unless they give me some sort of signal that day that they still like me. I won't make eye contact and I pretty much ignore them.
I totally act the same way, I reject people before they can do it to me. It's self-defeating really, but it's hard to change.
 
#5 ·
It's really really obvious when I have a crush on someone, so I try to avoid them as much as possible. just in case I start staring at them without even realising it >_>
I have no idea how let people know that I like them in a normal way. Like you said, showing warmth i spose.
 
#6 ·
I had a nice co-worker that was becoming my friend and was always trying to talk to me. One day her fiance broke up with her and she was devastated. She asked me to go home with her because she didn't want to be alone and was holding me and crying. I just thought of how I could get out of there. I knew I shoul've at least listen to her... I tried for as long as I could but then I said I'm sorry I have to go and avoided her. I feel bad I let her alone, crying but I couldn't, for unknown reason, to get close to her.
 
#8 ·
Im like that with women I first meet. Im afraid to show too much interest even as a friend because Im afraid they'll mistake my intentions. It's even harder when Im attracted to them sometimes. When I flirt, I tend to have my rap already worked out to iron out any creepiness factor.
 
#9 ·
I'm pretty sure they're not thinking you're a stalker. Us SAers tend to exaggerate and even make up negative things in our minds. If they have any such inclination, that's their own problem. Just be a source of goodness to those around you. That's all you can do.
 
#10 ·
ebolarama said:
I'm the same way, but for different reason. Usually people like me one day and want nothing to do with me the next. This happens without warning. I don't want the other person to think I'm slow and think that I think they still like me when they don't so I always act disinterested unless they give me some sort of signal that day that they still like me. I won't make eye contact and I pretty much ignore them. I don't want to act this way anymore because it causes me to lose potential friends, but at the same time, everybody eventually walks out on me and the potential friends that I lose probably are no different so I guess it's no big loss in the long run.
This website is so awesome... :yes. I'm the same as you all the way! I reject people before they reject me. I too have had past experiences of people acting "cool" with me one day and then totally ignoring me the next day.

I remember first noticing this in junior high school. A good friend of mine from down the street attended the same school. We didn't have any classes together, but whenever I'd see her, she'd always act like she didn't want to say 'hi' to me. I was kind of a nerd so that probably had a lot to do with it. But that experience set the ball rolling for me in terms of not trusting people to acknowledge me when they see me. It sucks and it has contributed to my lack of faith in the inherent niceness of people, period.
 
#11 ·
have you ever had anybody in your past notice that you were actually "stalking" them? anything to support such claims, other than what is going on in your head? you may find there is nothing to support your thoughts other than mind reading. even if there were some weird experiences, should that deter you from making new friends and connections? of course not :)
 
#12 ·
Re: re: SA makes me feel like a stalker

srschirm said:
Us SAers tend to exaggerate and even make up negative things in our minds. If they have any such inclination, that's their own problem....
This is true. We probably spend more time thinking and out-thinking ourselves than anybody. I can't tell you how many women I've let slip away due to the negative voices in my head. I would later find out that alot of them liked me but were waiting for me to approach them even when they were giving mixed signals. I guess I was putting up a shield to avoid rejection. I was probably more afraid of saying something stupid and making a fool out of myself.
 
#13 ·
Re: re: SA makes me feel like a stalker

westpark said:
srschirm said:
Us SAers tend to exaggerate and even make up negative things in our minds. If they have any such inclination, that's their own problem....
This is true. We probably spend more time thinking and out-thinking ourselves than anybody. I can't tell you how many women I've let slip away due to the negative voices in my head. I would later find out that alot of them liked me but were waiting for me to approach them even when they were giving mixed signals. I guess I was putting up a shield to avoid rejection. I was probably more afraid of saying something stupid and making a fool out of myself.
It's amazing how alike we all are on here. It's a shame that women won't approach guys. I talk myself out of social interaction all the time. Have you had any recent success?
 
#14 ·
There is this girl at work who seems really cool and up beat. She talked to me in the break room one day, and I thought it was awesome that someone was actually paying attention to me. But throughout the next week I would see her in passing and I would get all tense. I would try not to look at her, and then I would try to smile every time I saw her. I was freaking out about it because she gave me that tiny amount of attention which I turned into thinking it could be a potential friendship. But then I thought that was kind of stalkerish if I'd try to talk to her. So it was this whole big ordeal, just because of one stupid conversation. I am afraid of rejection and unnaturally nice sometimes. I feel like a weirdo. :fall
 
#15 ·
With the obsessive thinking and worrying we do, it's no wonder this series of thoughts come up. Really, I let the other person take the lead in friendships (I shouldn't always do that), but it keeps everything in check. I also keep my distance.
 
#16 ·
Re: re: SA makes me feel like a stalker

srschirm said:
I'm pretty sure they're not thinking you're a stalker. Us SAers tend to exaggerate and even make up negative things in our minds. If they have any such inclination, that's their own problem. Just be a source of goodness to those around you. That's all you can do.
Yes I suppose it is their problem if they have that inclination. I do think I'm trying to mind read and make up negative things in my mind.

I kept this in mind the last few days and took some risks. My thoughts on not being wanted at the hospital were proven wrong. Apparently my friend often asked for me and had faith that I'd be a support to the family. The family found this idea strange but I think the extra presence did help. I went there every day and although I still experienced those feelings I mentioned when with my friend, I was able to bring myself to show warmth both before and during the worst and comfort them a bit.

It's strange how the creepy feeling remained a little even through that. Maybe it's because I want some kind of need of my own to be filled by helping them, rather than not getting much in return, and that I don't feel I have any right to expect that. Even typing this makes me feel like a creep. It somehow feels wrong for me to desire a connection with other people. I can best describe it as a kind of belief that only others are born with that ability or right and it's forbidden for me because I'm broken somehow.
 
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