Social Anxiety Support

kev · 01-07-2009, 10:48 AM

I feel like I have lost control of my mind. This quote I found about someone who claims to suffer from cycles of poverty of thought describes how I feel much better than I could explain it myself. Is this poverty of thought or is it something else? I get so mad at my mind sometimes for not working the way I want it to. It's the reason I ever started doing drugs in the first place, I realized I could finally remove that curtain of fog that has been muddling all my thoughts and emotions for years. It's temporary of course. This was written by someone with schizophrenia:

"Then after an age the suffering lifts. My mind is suddenly freed from the necrosis that had overtaken it. It feels so fresh to be able to think, I shout with joy and dance around my bedroom.

I want to create a vast theory of my world, now that I can think again. I am gleeful at my newly found powers. Every little thing in my world can be examined and can inspire. I know, with a foreboding, that this clarity is only destined to be short lived, so I appreciate every moment of actually being able to think.

I play , urging myself to remember these happy moments, to create a reckoning of these little positive events so that when the depression returns I can know that there is some redemption. I stare into space just appreciating the presence of my mind. I rejoice in the simple feeling of "I am", which is powerful and nearly tangible. This new phase lasts for days, days of thrilling cogitation and restful contentment in the evenings.

With a transition that is slow and barely noticeable, my ability to think disappears again. In the new state I am forgetful and unaware, I sense vaguely that I am missing something, but do not know what. My mind, such of it as remains, flits from one vacuous semi-thought to another, there is no logical connection between thoughts, there is no clear path of development, I wander aimless and lost in a bland landscape of half-shapes, there is no I am, no clarity.

Like the dawning of a life giving sun the phase of real consciousness returns again. These shifts are proving to be cyclic. I am able to write, I am able to make judgements, I start to hate the cycles that are ruling, dominating me so intensely. I seek ways to preserve the time of lucid thought. In desperation I imagine drugs helping me. I guzzle down wine, seek out different stimulants to aid me...none work, though it takes me a long time to realise that. After more changes I start to accept the inevitable, these times of fogginess are unavoidable and I must simply accept them. I cherish my true awakeness when it comes, but perhaps like all things, it has a mortal lifespan.

Would I always have gone through these conceptual mood swings ? Was I destined from the first to these highs of clarity and lows of murkiness ? I do not know, as I remain unknowing as to whether these experiences place me at the bottom of the mental ladder, the scale of realisation if you like...or nearer the top. The contrast of these states of awareness is here in my life whether I like it, or whether I regard myself as enfeebled or not. But still, now the clarity is with me once more, I must revel in it and dance to its tune."

Lirael · 01-07-2009, 05:45 PM

Thanks for this post. This is one of my biggest problems. I've been googleing "mental fog" and things like that trying to find something to explain what is wrong with me. It's so frustrating. My mom recently told me she thought I was "losing it" because I have become so forgetful. I can't bring myself to do anything, feel anything, learn anything. Nothing stimulates me. I feel half awake 24/7. I've been staying in bed a lot lately because that's the only place where this sort of feeling seems normal and I can forget for a while that my brain seems to be turning to mush. It's made my s.a.d. worse because I'm afraid people are going to think I'm drunk or something. And so I get drunk, A LOT, because that's another time when I feel like I'm feeling the way I'm supposed to. It actually scares me because I don't know how or if I even can fix it. I can't go through life like a zombie. At least it helps to know that it's something other people experience.

kev · 01-08-2009, 04:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lirael

At least it helps to know that it's something other people experience.

It would help even more if someone could knew how to fix it, lol. It's hard to talk to my psychiatrist about how I have nothing to talk about, you know?

01-07-2009, 10:48 AM	#1 (permalink)
kev Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Age: 25 Posts: 1,217	rapidly shifting states of consciousness I feel like I have lost control of my mind. This quote I found about someone who claims to suffer from cycles of poverty of thought describes how I feel much better than I could explain it myself. Is this poverty of thought or is it something else? I get so mad at my mind sometimes for not working the way I want it to. It's the reason I ever started doing drugs in the first place, I realized I could finally remove that curtain of fog that has been muddling all my thoughts and emotions for years. It's temporary of course. This was written by someone with schizophrenia: "Then after an age the suffering lifts. My mind is suddenly freed from the necrosis that had overtaken it. It feels so fresh to be able to think, I shout with joy and dance around my bedroom. I want to create a vast theory of my world, now that I can think again. I am gleeful at my newly found powers. Every little thing in my world can be examined and can inspire. I know, with a foreboding, that this clarity is only destined to be short lived, so I appreciate every moment of actually being able to think. I play , urging myself to remember these happy moments, to create a reckoning of these little positive events so that when the depression returns I can know that there is some redemption. I stare into space just appreciating the presence of my mind. I rejoice in the simple feeling of "I am", which is powerful and nearly tangible. This new phase lasts for days, days of thrilling cogitation and restful contentment in the evenings. With a transition that is slow and barely noticeable, my ability to think disappears again. In the new state I am forgetful and unaware, I sense vaguely that I am missing something, but do not know what. My mind, such of it as remains, flits from one vacuous semi-thought to another, there is no logical connection between thoughts, there is no clear path of development, I wander aimless and lost in a bland landscape of half-shapes, there is no I am, no clarity. Like the dawning of a life giving sun the phase of real consciousness returns again. These shifts are proving to be cyclic. I am able to write, I am able to make judgements, I start to hate the cycles that are ruling, dominating me so intensely. I seek ways to preserve the time of lucid thought. In desperation I imagine drugs helping me. I guzzle down wine, seek out different stimulants to aid me...none work, though it takes me a long time to realise that. After more changes I start to accept the inevitable, these times of fogginess are unavoidable and I must simply accept them. I cherish my true awakeness when it comes, but perhaps like all things, it has a mortal lifespan. Would I always have gone through these conceptual mood swings ? Was I destined from the first to these highs of clarity and lows of murkiness ? I do not know, as I remain unknowing as to whether these experiences place me at the bottom of the mental ladder, the scale of realisation if you like...or nearer the top. The contrast of these states of awareness is here in my life whether I like it, or whether I regard myself as enfeebled or not. But still, now the clarity is with me once more, I must revel in it and dance to its tune."

01-07-2009, 05:45 PM	#2 (permalink)
Lirael Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: America Posts: 46	Thanks for this post. This is one of my biggest problems. I've been googleing "mental fog" and things like that trying to find something to explain what is wrong with me. It's so frustrating. My mom recently told me she thought I was "losing it" because I have become so forgetful. I can't bring myself to do anything, feel anything, learn anything. Nothing stimulates me. I feel half awake 24/7. I've been staying in bed a lot lately because that's the only place where this sort of feeling seems normal and I can forget for a while that my brain seems to be turning to mush. It's made my s.a.d. worse because I'm afraid people are going to think I'm drunk or something. And so I get drunk, A LOT, because that's another time when I feel like I'm feeling the way I'm supposed to. It actually scares me because I don't know how or if I even can fix it. I can't go through life like a zombie. At least it helps to know that it's something other people experience.