Social Anxiety Support

stressedgirl · 03-19-2011, 12:05 PM

I used to be close to this one person before and we work at the same place along with some of our friends. Anyway, she really does have a very bad work ethic (being late, not finishing tasks, etc.) so she was let go. After that, she became really depressed and I tried to be with her as much as I could - and she does the same thing to me when I'm sad or just in need of company. It was nice for some time, but then I caught her posting passive aggressive comments about me and other of our friends on facebook - I am a patient person and I tried to just ignore it, but sometimes it just hurts too much when a person whom you really treated as a friend is somewhat backstabbing you with these passive aggressive posts.

So just a few weeks ago, I confronted her about all of her passive aggressive posts on facebook, which I really think was for me - Yes, I may sound paranoid, but really, the coincidences on timing and other resemblances to me are just too close to let it pass - and a bit of woman's intuition there. So I emailed her and asked her that if she has any problems with me, she should just tell it to my face. Because really, I have a lot of other friends and I don't want to waste my time with someone who doesn't like me. As a passive aggressive person, she denied all of my "accusations" and said that it was for another person.

Now this is where I don't know if what was right: if there's one thing I can't tolerate, it's making me look like I'm stupid right to my face. I asked some trusted friends if they think those passive aggressive posts were for me and all of them thought that they were - so I'm not alone here. So I just replied that I don't believe her and I'm tired of being patient with her about all the mocking she does to me - she also often makes me a butt of her "jokes" - which I just try to ignore. (Note that her jokes often involve belittling people around her whom she thinks are of no importance - or the people who can't defend themselves)

So the next day, on facebook again, I found her putting out more passive aggressive posts for me - which are now more obvious than her first ones. I tried to ignore it, but she also posts on the walls of our common friends and even made a facebook page mocking me (note that she is not doing this alone, and has found a friend who would also do the same things on FB.) - I'm just grateful that our common friends are just ignoring this whole fiasco, and as for me, I'm just trying all my best to be quiet and just go on with my life.

Now, I'm just ignoring all of these, but it's just super frustrating! I know I shouldn't be affected, but I really am hurt and appalled by this situation.

Just one question: was I correct in confronting this "friend" about her behavior?

Sorry for the long story/rant. I really just had to vent out this frustration.

sapphire21 · 03-19-2011, 12:31 PM

Yes I think you should have confronted her, especially if some other friends also thought the comments were about you. I have had the exact same problem in the past, I know how much it hurts.

tigerfox · 03-19-2011, 01:00 PM

I agree here, confronting her was the best option and if she was any kind of friend you wouldn't feel potentially targeted by her in the first place. I can understand your feeling hurt and frustrated and the only thing I can say is that being around this person will probably cause you more harm than good so maybe keep your distance for a while or at least until she can be more honest with you.

I have been going through a similar situation lately and have reacted by spending less and less time with those who make me insecure in an attempt to eventually phase out the negative impact they're having on my anxieties.

DistinctlyAmbiguous · 03-19-2011, 02:20 PM

I definitely don't think it's wrong confronting a friend about possible passive-aggressive behavior, ignoring the situation completely is too hard, even for the most patient person. It's based on how you approached her, if it's obvious she has a problem with you, getting an aggressive reaction from you means she's winning.

stressedgirl · 03-19-2011, 11:49 PM

Thanks guys!

I just want to assure myself that what I did is right cause I have been going through some "what ifs" on my mind lately. What if I haven't approached her and just let the friendship fizzle away? Yes, it would be less complicated, but a part of me wants to let her know that some people can't just ignore/tolerate her kind of behavior.

Some people also said that i should have approached her and explained the whole thing calmly, but in my experience with her before, I don't really think she will ever listen. She would tell you everything is fine with both of you, just because she doesn't want confrontations, but then, she will just backstab you.

Sigh. I'm just super tired of these "so-called" friends.

03-19-2011, 12:05 PM	#1 (permalink)
stressedgirl Status: SAS Member Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 3	Passive Aggressive friend I used to be close to this one person before and we work at the same place along with some of our friends. Anyway, she really does have a very bad work ethic (being late, not finishing tasks, etc.) so she was let go. After that, she became really depressed and I tried to be with her as much as I could - and she does the same thing to me when I'm sad or just in need of company. It was nice for some time, but then I caught her posting passive aggressive comments about me and other of our friends on facebook - I am a patient person and I tried to just ignore it, but sometimes it just hurts too much when a person whom you really treated as a friend is somewhat backstabbing you with these passive aggressive posts. So just a few weeks ago, I confronted her about all of her passive aggressive posts on facebook, which I really think was for me - Yes, I may sound paranoid, but really, the coincidences on timing and other resemblances to me are just too close to let it pass - and a bit of woman's intuition there. So I emailed her and asked her that if she has any problems with me, she should just tell it to my face. Because really, I have a lot of other friends and I don't want to waste my time with someone who doesn't like me. As a passive aggressive person, she denied all of my "accusations" and said that it was for another person. Now this is where I don't know if what was right: if there's one thing I can't tolerate, it's making me look like I'm stupid right to my face. I asked some trusted friends if they think those passive aggressive posts were for me and all of them thought that they were - so I'm not alone here. So I just replied that I don't believe her and I'm tired of being patient with her about all the mocking she does to me - she also often makes me a butt of her "jokes" - which I just try to ignore. (Note that her jokes often involve belittling people around her whom she thinks are of no importance - or the people who can't defend themselves) So the next day, on facebook again, I found her putting out more passive aggressive posts for me - which are now more obvious than her first ones. I tried to ignore it, but she also posts on the walls of our common friends and even made a facebook page mocking me (note that she is not doing this alone, and has found a friend who would also do the same things on FB.) - I'm just grateful that our common friends are just ignoring this whole fiasco, and as for me, I'm just trying all my best to be quiet and just go on with my life. Now, I'm just ignoring all of these, but it's just super frustrating! I know I shouldn't be affected, but I really am hurt and appalled by this situation. Just one question: was I correct in confronting this "friend" about her behavior? Sorry for the long story/rant. I really just had to vent out this frustration.

03-19-2011, 02:20 PM	#4 (permalink)
DistinctlyAmbiguous Status: SAS Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: San Francisco Bay Area, CA Gender: Male Age: 29 Posts: 340	I definitely don't think it's wrong confronting a friend about possible passive-aggressive behavior, ignoring the situation completely is too hard, even for the most patient person. It's based on how you approached her, if it's obvious she has a problem with you, getting an aggressive reaction from you means she's winning. __________________ Current Rx: Drug free and doing pretty good! A New Vote for Hope

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Are you passive-aggressive?	OneIsALonelyNumber	Voting Booth	20	07-19-2012 10:10 PM
Just told my passive aggressive roomie to leave	telefy	Frustration	3	01-21-2010 12:03 PM
More stressful: passive or aggressive?	bwidger85	Relationships	2	10-20-2009 03:10 PM
Are you Aggressive, Assertive, or Passive?	Strength	Voting Booth	25	04-10-2007 12:29 AM

03-19-2011, 12:31 PM	#2 (permalink)
sapphire21 Status: SAS Member Join Date: Mar 2011 Gender: Female Age: 26 Posts: 78	Yes I think you should have confronted her, especially if some other friends also thought the comments were about you. I have had the exact same problem in the past, I know how much it hurts.

03-19-2011, 01:00 PM	#3 (permalink)
tigerfox Status: SAS Member Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Manchester UK Gender: Female Posts: 79	I agree here, confronting her was the best option and if she was any kind of friend you wouldn't feel potentially targeted by her in the first place. I can understand your feeling hurt and frustrated and the only thing I can say is that being around this person will probably cause you more harm than good so maybe keep your distance for a while or at least until she can be more honest with you. I have been going through a similar situation lately and have reacted by spending less and less time with those who make me insecure in an attempt to eventually phase out the negative impact they're having on my anxieties.

03-19-2011, 11:49 PM	#5 (permalink)
stressedgirl Status: SAS Member Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 3	Thanks guys! I just want to assure myself that what I did is right cause I have been going through some "what ifs" on my mind lately. What if I haven't approached her and just let the friendship fizzle away? Yes, it would be less complicated, but a part of me wants to let her know that some people can't just ignore/tolerate her kind of behavior. Some people also said that i should have approached her and explained the whole thing calmly, but in my experience with her before, I don't really think she will ever listen. She would tell you everything is fine with both of you, just because she doesn't want confrontations, but then, she will just backstab you. Sigh. I'm just super tired of these "so-called" friends.