a major problem with me, and im sure many people on this site, is that i live relative to others. by this i mean that i judge myself in relation to others -- are my grades good? sure, straight A's with the occasional B are good, but that kid has straight A's without a B, so im clearly not successful; my friends are cool and i have a lot of them, but that kid's friends are cooler than have so many more; etc. So ultimately what this leads to is my being unable to fulfill my own standards, because, as depressing as this sounds, there is nothing that im better than everyone at. And even if there was that one thing that i was the best at, im sure i would find other fields in which i was lagging behind other people and concern myself there.
The major consequence of this concerns social life. I constantly, CONSTANTLY, compare myself to others. if im staying home on a friday/saturday night, being a high school student, i feel like a "loser" and like i have no friends or are socially below everyone. i dont mind staying home alone, or just with a friend doing nothing. what i DO mind is doing that knowing that other people are out partying, having a good time, etc. while im doing nothing. and they wouldnt make an effort to invite me to whatever.
i end up sitting at home, watching the clock tick, seeing whos on AIM/iChat, seeing whos online on facebook, etc., making myself feel better when i see that other people arent doing anything and are just sitting around also.
ive always been competitive with my friends especially. im almost positive it stems from insecurities, forcing me to compare myself to the people around whom im surrounded. i dont wanna say i wish badly on other people, but i sort of do...it gives me a sadisticly warm feeling when my friend does badly on a test, especially if i did well on it. or when anything bad happens to them. and this REALLY messes me up, making me feel like theyre not my friends. theyre not, if i wish evil upon them, right? the only release i get from this is by reassuring myself that i AM better than my friends at something. for example, it makes me feel a lot better when my friend, who im extremely jealous of, ill admit, does badly on a test and asks me for help. for me its okay, still bad, but okay if my friends who im socially jealous of appear to be below me in another sense, which usually is grades.
so what do i do? when it comes to grades, etc. its impossible to "accept" myself because to me that means accepting personal failures. and it is indisputably better to get a 95 than a 91.
i want to have my own standards but have no idea how. it seems that the only way to judge yourself is to hold yourself against other people.
ideas? experience? tell me everything.