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Old 02-16-2010, 02:45 PM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Default Overly competitive

a major problem with me, and im sure many people on this site, is that i live relative to others. by this i mean that i judge myself in relation to others -- are my grades good? sure, straight A's with the occasional B are good, but that kid has straight A's without a B, so im clearly not successful; my friends are cool and i have a lot of them, but that kid's friends are cooler than have so many more; etc. So ultimately what this leads to is my being unable to fulfill my own standards, because, as depressing as this sounds, there is nothing that im better than everyone at. And even if there was that one thing that i was the best at, im sure i would find other fields in which i was lagging behind other people and concern myself there.
The major consequence of this concerns social life. I constantly, CONSTANTLY, compare myself to others. if im staying home on a friday/saturday night, being a high school student, i feel like a "loser" and like i have no friends or are socially below everyone. i dont mind staying home alone, or just with a friend doing nothing. what i DO mind is doing that knowing that other people are out partying, having a good time, etc. while im doing nothing. and they wouldnt make an effort to invite me to whatever.
i end up sitting at home, watching the clock tick, seeing whos on AIM/iChat, seeing whos online on facebook, etc., making myself feel better when i see that other people arent doing anything and are just sitting around also.
ive always been competitive with my friends especially. im almost positive it stems from insecurities, forcing me to compare myself to the people around whom im surrounded. i dont wanna say i wish badly on other people, but i sort of do...it gives me a sadisticly warm feeling when my friend does badly on a test, especially if i did well on it. or when anything bad happens to them. and this REALLY messes me up, making me feel like theyre not my friends. theyre not, if i wish evil upon them, right? the only release i get from this is by reassuring myself that i AM better than my friends at something. for example, it makes me feel a lot better when my friend, who im extremely jealous of, ill admit, does badly on a test and asks me for help. for me its okay, still bad, but okay if my friends who im socially jealous of appear to be below me in another sense, which usually is grades.

so what do i do? when it comes to grades, etc. its impossible to "accept" myself because to me that means accepting personal failures. and it is indisputably better to get a 95 than a 91.

i want to have my own standards but have no idea how. it seems that the only way to judge yourself is to hold yourself against other people.

ideas? experience? tell me everything.
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Old 02-16-2010, 02:58 PM   #2 (permalink)
 
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I can totally relate to what you are saying. I used to be driven by this feeling of wanting to be better than everyone I've ever met or encoutered and when I realized I couldn't, I would feel depressed and so bad about myself.

It took me years to slowly get to the point where I'm accepting myself a lot more and tell myself that I'm ok where I am no matter when others are. I keep reminding myself that with the challenges I had to face in my life I'm doing pretty good and that's good enough.
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Old 02-17-2010, 06:52 PM   #3 (permalink)
 
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how'd you come about doing that? ive been improving with my own personal situation...i.e. i dont mind spending friday or saturday nights alone THAT much and im okay with the thought of upcoming weekends. really i think its key to be comfortable with yourself. so in some sense i am overcoming my tendency to define myself relatively to other people and instead "celebrate myself". if that makes sense. but still whenever im home and i think about what other people are doing i get this weird queezy feeling. i really worry way too much about what people think about me and i have no idea why.
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Old 04-25-2012, 12:42 PM   #4 (permalink)
 
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Default Overly competive

Hi, actually i came across the website for the same reason. I needed help, i know if i didn't start changing my attitude i know i was gonna lose all the people i love. My advice to you personally begin to know yourself. Write a list of what you love and dislike about yourself. If you're like me you're in for a rude awakening. Don't be discouraged if you fill 3 pages of negatives and only 2 lines of positive. Its the beginning even if you fill up a book of negative at least you have a clear idea of where to start. Than have a good friend or family member since its a very intimate thing someone you trust. I have the same issue with a best friend love her like a sister and yet it breaks my heart that im competitive with her. I would go to her to show her my list but our relationship has been on thin ice since my attitude hasn't been the best. You're still young, I'm 26 years old and still struggling with it. Its good you caught it early on. Its never to late for a change. But i guarantee the older you get the more busier life become the less time you dedicate time to spend with the most important person that we all neglect to mention or help. Ourselves. Failure become harder to overcome. Hope this helps.
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Old 04-25-2012, 12:46 PM   #5 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chinabarbiedoll View Post
Hi, actually i came across the website for the same reason. I needed help, i know if i didn't start changing my attitude i know i was gonna lose all the people i love. My advice to you personally begin to know yourself. Write a list of what you love and dislike about yourself. If you're like me you're in for a rude awakening. Don't be discouraged if you fill 3 pages of negatives and only 2 lines of positive. Its the beginning even if you fill up a book of negative at least you have a clear idea of where to start. Than have a good friend or family member read the list and have them agree or disagree about what you wrote. Have them read it back to you and tell you from their eyes what they see. Soon you'll be able to do it on your own. Since its a very intimate thing pick someone you trust. I have the same issue with a best friend love her like a sister and yet it breaks my heart that im competitive with her. I would go to her to show her my list but our relationship has been on thin ice since my attitude hasn't been the best. You're still young, I'm 26 years old and still struggling with it. Its good you caught it early on. Its never to late for a change. But i guarantee the older you get the more busier life become the less time you dedicate time to spend with the most important person that we all neglect to mention or help. Ourselves. Failure become harder to overcome. Hope this helps.
Disregard the other this is the right one
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Old 04-25-2012, 12:46 PM   #6 (permalink)
 
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Yeah, that is unfortunate, but I think being competitive and doing your best is better than not being competitive at all. I mean, I have high standards for myself, but I realize I'm probably never going to accomplish anything worthwhile, and I back down and let other people do things for me and let them win. I think that's a sad way to live.
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