Nobody to talk to at social event

[blackcap]

What do you do when you're at a social event where you don't know anyone and you can't find anyone to talk to, or you've chatted to a few people but the conversations stuttered and there's nobody else that seems approachable?

I have a barbecue coming up and I don't know anybody there (I've seen them around but never had a proper conversation with any of them). I'm going to end up standing around by myself while everyone else is chatting away, and I'm going to feel so self conscious (everyone will see me standing by myself so it's not like I can hide in a corner or blend in with the crowd).

In the past I've avoided these things but this time I'm going to go, but just the thought of standing around by myself terrifies me. I'm only planning on staying for an hour or so but that is going to feel like an eternity.

Does anyone else find themselves in similar situations, and if so how do you cope?

[carambola]

A friend told me he used to bring a book to parties .

I'm sorry I have no good suggestions.

Can you bring a guest? Could you bring someone you do know so that if you can't find anyone else to talk to you won't be totally by yourself?

[sky is falling]

When my family has birthday parties or cook outs, it is usually near a basketball court or something that I can physical do. I'm better off as long as I have something to focus my mind around besides sitting at a table worrying.. "do I look stupid?" "should I be talking to ppl?", etc.. So try asking if anyone needs help setting anything up, cooking, packing things in.. I've found that I feel a lot more confindent talking to people if I'm helping them with something.

Hope you find some help in that mess of a paragraph.

[pokeherpro]

Originally Posted by sky is falling

When my family has birthday parties or cook outs, it is usually near a basketball court or something that I can physical do. I'm better off as long as I have something to focus my mind around besides sitting at a table worrying.. "do I look stupid?" "should I be talking to ppl?", etc.. So try asking if anyone needs help setting anything up, cooking, packing things in.. I've found that I feel a lot more confindent talking to people if I'm helping them with something.

Hope you find some help in that mess of a paragraph.

This.
You could also think of default conversation starters, like "How do you know the host" or just a simple random compliment of something that someone you're interested in talking to is wearing, like a nice shirt or shoes..anything really, people like people who like them lol. Also, have a default conversation ender too, for when an awkward moment strikes.

Truly, the best advice I can give is go, be yourself, and take things as they come, say the first thing that comes into your mind, and if nothing does, say nothing. I'd also say, go there with the mindset of finding people you'd like to speak with, instead of trying to change your natural self into someone you believe other people would like to talk to. Focus outward, not inward, basically.

[malone]

Originally Posted by carambola

A friend told me he used to bring a book to parties .

I'm guilty of that !

[blackcap]

Originally Posted by carambola

A friend told me he used to bring a book to parties .

I'm sorry I have no good suggestions.

Can you bring a guest? Could you bring someone you do know so that if you can't find anyone else to talk to you won't be totally by yourself?

Bringing a guest would make things sooo much easier, but no, I have nobody to bring. That's why I think people with partners have it so much easier - there is always at least one person to talk to.

[blackcap]

Originally Posted by pokeherpro

This.
You could also think of default conversation starters, like "How do you know the host" or just a simple random compliment of something that someone you're interested in talking to is wearing, like a nice shirt or shoes..anything really, people like people who like them lol. Also, have a default conversation ender too, for when an awkward moment strikes.

I've been trying to practise these techniques at work, forcing myself to start conversations with people when normally I wouldn't. Problem is I just can't for the life of me continue a conversation for very long, no matter what the topic. My mind just goes blank, and unless the other person keeps thinking of things to say then the conversation just ends. This is both with people I'm comfortable with, and strangers (although obviously I'm more anxious with strangers).

The only way I've managed to 'survive' social events in the past is if there is a group of people I already know who I can hang out with, and maybe chip in now and again to the conversation. But I won't have that group of familiar people at this barbecue.

[pokeherpro]

Originally Posted by blackcap

I've been trying to practise these techniques at work, forcing myself to start conversations with people when normally I wouldn't. Problem is I just can't for the life of me continue a conversation for very long, no matter what the topic. My mind just goes blank, and unless the other person keeps thinking of things to say then the conversation just ends. This is both with people I'm comfortable with, and strangers (although obviously I'm more anxious with strangers).

The only way I've managed to 'survive' social events in the past is if there is a group of people I already know who I can hang out with, and maybe chip in now and again to the conversation. But I won't have that group of familiar people at this barbecue.

So you can do it, in small doses? Then keep doing that! And do it with as many different people as possible!
The key to small talk, in my opinion, is to steal stories you hear from other people and the only way to do that is to have many people who you have short convo's with. As you become better at it, you'll get more confident, you'll have more stolen convo starter's, and it goes from there.
Do what you can, and do it often, while occasionally attempting more and more.

[DistinctlyAmbiguous]

I feel for you. My best advice is something that's already been said... If it looks like someone needs help, give them a hand, it will occupy some time and possibly sprout a conversation you did not expect.

When I start a conversation I always makes sure to take a deep breath before I introduce myself. I tend to talk really fast and incoherently if I don't try to relax.

[odd_one_out]

This happens to me without fail; I end up glaring into space or leaving.

Things that have caused people to interact with me more (or to feel more comfortable) include:

* Being the photographer
* If the event's on a clear night, pointing out astronomical objects to people (they find it odd but fascinating)
* Showing people photos of my artwork, etc., stored on my camera
* Being the technician in charge of the music, or BBQing some food (there could be other specific jobs like this you could do)

[pixies]

In an ideal world you should refuse to feel bad for standing alone.

I think it's social anxiety that makes you feel bad for doing that. I remember before I got social anxiety, I sometimes would find myself alone at social events. Like one time my friend had to go to a party and he didn't want to go alone so he dragged me along with him. I got there with him and he got dragged off by some old relatives who started chatting to him. "I haven't seen since you were a little boy!" blah blah. Meanwhile, I was stood by myself in a room and I didn't know anyone except this friend. But I didn't feel bad. I felt like a lone wolf, a man about town, I felt perfectly comfortable. I was alone and not chatting to people - simply because I didn't KNOW anyone so I shouldn't be expected to chat. If someone wants to come and chat with me then fine, if they don't then fine.

A few minutes later my friend came back and we chatted some more, and this just repeated itself over and over. I remember thinking that I could feel awkward, but I just didn't. I simply couldn't care less, and I just stood around checking out his pretty cousins and stuff.

Of course, doing that now that I have social anxiety would be a different story, and in fact I had a social event a few months ago where I ended up stood alone and I felt awkward. But now that I think about it, I should just refuse to feel awkward because there is nothing wrong with standing alone. Anyone that looks down on you for being stood alone is an idiot anyway, and anyone who doesn't, wont even notice you being alone. I think the most judgemental person will be you yourself.

So sure, take a book or something if you need to, but the perfect solution really... would be to just suck it up and stand there alone if you need to. And don't stand there fidgeting and feeling all awkward and uncomfortable and pathetic, just accept that you aren't supposed to constantly be holding someones hand. People stand alone, and in fact, some people go backpacking and travelling abroad by themselves and make friends and have a great time. Some people are perfectly content doing things by themselves, standing by yourself for 5 minutes is nothing. Perhaps you could try to feel like that.

[Banzai]

I try to avoid going to social events where I don't know anyone as much as possible.

Maybe you could try helping out with the BBQ?

[blackcap]

Originally Posted by pixies

Like one time my friend had to go to a party and he didn't want to go alone so he dragged me along with him. I got there with him and he got dragged off by some old relatives who started chatting to him. "I haven't seen since you were a little boy!" blah blah. Meanwhile, I was stood by myself in a room and I didn't know anyone except this friend. But I didn't feel bad. I felt like a lone wolf, a man about town, I felt perfectly comfortable. I was alone and not chatting to people - simply because I didn't KNOW anyone so I shouldn't be expected to chat. If someone wants to come and chat with me then fine, if they don't then fine.

I guess in that situation the thing you had going for you was that you weren't expected to know anyone, and if anything the onus was on others to make you feel welcome. It's when I'm expected to know people, or everyone is in the same boat in terms of being strangers, that I feel most uncomfortable.

Originally Posted by pixies

Some people are perfectly content doing things by themselves, standing by yourself for 5 minutes is nothing. Perhaps you could try to feel like that.

5 minutes I can handle, but it's the entire hour or however long I manage to stay that worries me! Even if I manage some smalltalk for the first, say, 15 minutes, I still have 45 minutes of standing alone before I feel I can leave

[blackcap]

Originally Posted by odd_one_out

Being the technician in charge of the music, or BBQing some food (there could be other specific jobs like this you could do)

Helping out with the BBQ would be good, except I'm not a good cook. Whenever I try cooking (for myself), I never know how long to cook things for and usually it's a case of poking and prodding things to see if they're done inside. I would feel really bad for undercooking/overcooking other people's food.

[odd_one_out]

^ I cannot cook either. I was supervised by the main BBQer.

[sadfox]

i would ask people about there jobs if they have pets what films music sports they like and let them do most of the talking and youll be ok

[Haydsmom2007]

that would terrify me. i can't even imagine doing what your'e going to do. I know this isn't the kind of reply you want, but you're so brave! lol

[Haydsmom2007]

Force yourself to observe everyone else and judge them. Not necessarily in a bad way or anything, but I mean... You constantly think people are always staring at you and judging everything you do, so when you go to this party, stop thinking about yourself and think about everyone else. It really makes things easier. To me, anyway. I do this sometimes, and it's such a funny thing, because me thinking that some girl looks really bad that day doesn't change anything to that girls mood because she can't hear me... chances are people wont be staring at you and judging you, but if they are, who cares? You can't hear what they say so it's irrelevant... Just try to force the awkwardness away. Listen to upbeat fun music before you go and try to dance around or something, put yourself in a good mood so you will feel good about yourself.

[Peter Attis]

I've gone to a couple of social events where I didn't say anything to anyone the whole time I was there. It was fine, though. There was plenty of other stuff to do.

[pixies]

Originally Posted by blackcap

5 minutes I can handle, but it's the entire hour or however long I manage to stay that worries me! Even if I manage some smalltalk for the first, say, 15 minutes, I still have 45 minutes of standing alone before I feel I can leave

I am trying to think how a none SA person would deal with it. I think that even that kind of person would still be uncomfortable with it for that long though, but I think the biggest thing on their mind would be how bored they are. They might even be angry/disappointed that no opportunities to chat have arisen. I think rather than feeling bad about themselves, they would probably just say, "This party sucks".

I think if you do end up alone, you probably have to go and stand with various groups of people and listen to what they are talking about. If you find a conversation you would feel comfortable being a part of, maybe just stand there and see if they 'let you in'. If so, bingo. If not, try another group of people. Do that for a while and if you haven't found people to chat to after a while, just bail, knowing that the party just sucks

Usually once you find a group of people to chat with, you can hang around with them for the rest of the night.

Good luck whatever you do