Is it better for me to keep quiet?

[kj6754]

Do you guys think its a bad thing to have no desire to open up to people? Would that be considered a character flaw? And are some things better left off unsaid?

I have no fear in opening up to people but most of the time I feel there is no need to because I feel people won't understand what I am trying to say.

I open up to you guys about my anxiety because I know you can relate to it but I don't tell other people because I know most will not understand it.

There are some other things I don't mention about myself on this forum though. Some of my beliefs and way of thinking are "way out there" and I don't share that part of myself here because I know no one will understand. My beliefs are a very integral part of who I am so I remain mostly closed off from people.

What good does it do to expose myself to people that wouldn't understand me to begin with? Should people like me seal themselves off?

[hhbecks]

My therapist said something that kind of got me thinking about that. We were talking about me assuming other people were judging me. She said, aren't I being a little unfair to others to assume that they are so judgemental. I just never thought about it like that before.

[Neptunus]

Originally Posted by kj6754

There are some other things I don't mention about myself on this forum though. Some of my beliefs and way of thinking are "way out there" and I don't share that part of myself here because I know no one will understand. My beliefs are a very integral part of who I am so I remain mostly closed off from people.

I'm in the same boat when it comes to "out there" (I'm assuming spiritual) beliefs. Like you, my beliefs are part of my being. They are a help and a hindrance in the loneliness department. To change them to fit into the mainstream would be to change myself. That's why I prefer to keep to myself or to lurk on forums where people share similar views. It sucks being too timid to participate though. It's like reinforcing the bars to my own SA prison.

ETA- I don't think it's wrong or a "character flaw" to keep quite. You're protecting the most sensitive aspect of yourself...your core, which only a few deserving people should get to see.

[Sierra83]

Pretty much everything you guys have said hits the nail on the head for me. I remain quiet about most things because you can't really start up a conversation with someone about metaphysics (something that interest me, for example), say, while waiting for the bus, being out shopping, or walking down the street. It's nice and all to exchange pleasantries, but is not enough to make a true friend in my opinion. My line of thought tends to go something like "well, they said hi to me and I mumbled a response... now what the heck am I supposed to say?" All the while I am wondering if this person is going to be a worthwhile person to talk to. I know I come off as a snob this way and I don't know what to do about it.

Now on this board, we can talk about what interests us specifically because we can pick and choose the topics and we can label them with titles. Face-to-face conversation doesn't work that way... we can't pick and choose what we want to talk about so easily.

I find this to be a conundrum because I still have to interact with people in the real world, and it is becoming increasingly awkward for me because I feel this build up of energy within me the longer I stay quiet. If I'm not careful that energy turns into negativity and I start having bad thoughts about people. This is why I am becoming more and more of a recluse over time... the only place I truly feel at ease is at home, where I spend the vast majority of time behind my computer screen.

maybe I just need to get out more or something? or get more hobbies so I have more to talk and/or think about while I'm out in public? I dunno. I'd like to think I could talk about a fairly wide range of topics, but I just don't know how to approach them without sounding completely abrupt, like I'm just being an interviewer or something.

[nightmahr]

I would love to talk to people more and open up outside of the internet, but whenever I've tried to keep up social interaction with people in the last few years it has just become impossible and made me feel worse than before (except this one girl but she's an awesome exception and is probably a god or something). I also have the problem of being rather different which makes it hard to relate strongly. I'm extremely apathetic about most things and not much bothers me, and that probably makes me seem evil or something when people find out about it. But then there are things I care deeply about and I see other people trying to bring them out into the open and wish I could join in but feel helpless, and if it's just a private conversation then it brings me too close to the person and... well something like that turned out pretty badly before. I also am pretty sure I lost one of my only friends (I was actually starting to make some at the time) due to my atheism last year. That was eye-opening. I have to start thinking of people as unaccepting by default and to restrain myself if I feel an opportunity to talk about anything real. I'm also a very emotional person but I hate faking my physical and verbal responses to make them seem more real, which is what I think most people do. Like I'd rather say nothing and seem cold to someone telling me about an awful personal tragedy than to throw out some meaningless clichés sayings and physical affection things, because when I see people do that I see disrespect, lack of care, ignorance, selfishness... ****. I can hardly even talk sometimes because I see how meaningless everyone has made every word and saying. I'd love to be able to just say to everyone, "I care so much, but I can't help you. No one can help you. Nothing I do or say changes the way it is. I'm sorry." I guess it would help if I were able to hug people.

[SADFighter]

Originally Posted by nightmahr

I'm also a very emotional person but I hate faking my physical and verbal responses to make them seem more real, which is what I think most people do. Like I'd rather say nothing and seem cold to someone telling me about an awful personal tragedy than to throw out some meaningless clichés sayings and physical affection things, because when I see people do that I see disrespect, lack of care, ignorance, selfishness... @#%$. I can hardly even talk sometimes because I see how meaningless everyone has made every word and saying. I'd love to be able to just say to everyone, "I care so much, but I can't help you. No one can help you. Nothing I do or say changes the way it is. I'm sorry." I guess it would help if I were able to hug people.

Yep, exactly. Sometimes I even feel uncomfortable when people go on and on about some "struggle" in their life. I've said "that sucks" 100 times already. What else do you want me to say?! On the flip side, when bad stuff happens to me, most of which I keep in anyway, the few times I open up, people don't seem as empathetic as I do.

[kj6754]

Originally Posted by SADFighter

Yep, exactly. Sometimes I even feel uncomfortable when people go on and on about some "struggle" in their life. I've said "that sucks" 100 times already. What else do you want me to say?! On the flip side, when bad stuff happens to me, most of which I keep in anyway, the few times I open up, people don't seem as empathetic as I do.

This is one of the reasons I don't tell people about my problems off the internet. I know that if I tell them then it would pointless because its nothing that they can do. I express my problems here mostly to vent and its not embarrassing to do because no one here really knows me.

[Auron]

Do you guys think its a bad thing to have no desire to open up to people? Would that be considered a character flaw? And are some things better left off unsaid?

It's a bad idea since society mainly relies on...socializing:P and yes, there are some things better left unsaid. i have no desire to talk since i always analyze the situation and end up telling myself that the person wont understand, he/she wont see any interest in the conversation, or that if i try i wouldnt be able to hold the conversation long enough.

I see that most socializing done is 90% made off stupid/silly comments thrown out randomly. Honestly i dont see the point

I open up to you guys about my anxiety because I know you can relate to it but I don't tell other people because I know most will not understand it.

Same here

[roverred]

I have never had anybody empathetic to my SA feelings, most can't see it being a big deal. So I closed up somewhat. But I no longer expect people to, really how can they understand. This helps me open up.

For beliefs, I think it is fine to be very different and or even radical. I think you can still get along. It just depends how you treat people and how close you are. Strange stuff best to be good friends first. People will probably want to learn things even boring stuff when they want to know you better.

[millenniumman75]

Originally Posted by hhbecks

My therapist said something that kind of got me thinking about that. We were talking about me assuming other people were judging me. She said, aren't I being a little unfair to others to assume that they are so judgemental. I just never thought about it like that before.

I have also heard this as "you are doing their thinking for them, huh?" We can't do that!

We have to break the fear. Let people get to know us a little. That will break any apprehension they have. People are afraid of the unknown (us --> MORE so! ).

[Alley Cat]

If you close up and never share with anybody because they won't understand you, then you don't make any friends.
If you open up and share with people and they shun you because they don't understand you, you still don't make any friends. What's the difference?

On the other hand, if you open up and share with people and most people shun you because they don't understand, but suddenly one day an amazing person comes along who actually does understand and you do actually connect with them... you win! You make a friend; you finally have someone in your life that you can form a bond with. Imagine if that amazing person came along and you didn't open up or share with them and they just moved on without ever knowing what was special and unique about you...

In other words, if you keep trying, you might eventually win. And realistically, what have you got to lose?

[leppardess]

Originally Posted by Alley Cat

If you close up and never share with anybody because they won't understand you, then you don't make any friends.
If you open up and share with people and they shun you because they don't understand you, you still don't make any friends. What's the difference?

On the other hand, if you open up and share with people and most people shun you because they don't understand, but suddenly one day an amazing person comes along who actually does understand and you do actually connect with them... you win! You make a friend; you finally have someone in your life that you can form a bond with. Imagine if that amazing person came along and you didn't open up or share with them and they just moved on without ever knowing what was special and unique about you...

In other words, if you keep trying, you might eventually win. And realistically, what have you got to lose?

(((((((((((((((Alex)))))))))))))))) I couldn't agree more.

I used to believe that no one in the world could possibly understand me or even accept me as I am. I was afraid to take a risk and show even a small part of who I was with other people. But, I took a chance with a few people and some actually could relate to me on fairly deep levels, even things that I felt were fairly... unique about myself.

While I did experience rejection in one form or another, the acceptance that I got from those that are close to me now more than makes up for past hurts.

[embers]

On the other hand, if you open up and share with people and most people shun you because they don't understand, but suddenly one day an amazing person comes along who actually does understand and you do actually connect with them... you win! You make a friend; you finally have someone in your life that you can form a bond with. Imagine if that amazing person came along and you didn't open up or share with them and they just moved on without ever knowing what was special and unique about you...

I found its normal for me NOT to open up, because I feel so different from others, like you do. But, that makes people assume the worst, i.e. come to their own conclusions because by nature we are judgemental.

So opening up, no matter what it is, is necessary to maintain relationships.

You're letting out yourself and the right people will be attracted to that, the wrong people deflected.

Little by little i'm putting myself out there and it gets easier.

Hope that helps.

[Maslow]

I read once that people with SA often go to either extreme: they don't open up to other people at all or they open up too quickly and engage in personal disclosure too early in the relationship.

I think some of it is due to not having anything to talk about. They're so wrapped up in the "self" that the only thing they know is their emotions.

The trick is to lose the sense of self and just experience things for what they are. Instead of "I'm cold and uncomfortable," the way to look at it is "the air is cold. It's causing my nose to have an interesting sensation." Or, on a more personal experience, speaking to that person caused my heart to beat fast and my legs to shake."

Those things don't define us. They're simply things we've experienced.

When you look at the world objectively, rather than from the "self," the world is more interesting. You see more and experience more, which gives you more to talk about that is not personal but simply observations.

Okay, I'm not fully awake and just rambling

[embers]

^ This is a good reminder. I wonder if it will ever become habit.

[srschirm]

Maslow, I always love reading your posts. Thank you for these thoughts, which have rarely (if ever) occurred to me.

[Maslow]

Originally Posted by srschirm

Maslow, I always love reading your posts. Thank you for these thoughts, which have rarely (if ever) occurred to me.

Thanks srschirm. I'm still trying to figure out this screwy world.

[Maslow]

Originally Posted by embers

^ This is a good reminder. I wonder if it will ever become habit.

I need constant reminders. I have a little Buddha statue right next to my monitor to remind me to be mindful.