I'm a cashier at a well-known department store. My job's a job, I'm not going to complain. It's just some money to get me through my last year of high school.
My job doesn't make me nervous, at all. There's something about myself that I don't understand, and I'm not sure of it's SA or not. People will talk to me or say something and I just never know what to say, and I'm brain storming the "right" thing to say, or the most "crowd-pleasing thing"
I always agree with people too. It's like I don't have my own opinion. I'm so easily convinced. I'm never sure of myself.
Sometimes I wonder if it's possible that I don't have a personality? or an identity?? This scares me beyond belief... I mean, I have friends who I could describe in a few words, and if I said these words to someone else, they would know exactly who I'm talking about. But how do I describe my personality?? I really don't know.
People will talk to me at the cash register and usually I'll just laugh. Lately I've been forcing myself to say something at least besides "yeah" or "for sure". I always say safe things, like if someone says "oh, these are a great price eh?" I'll be like "yeah, can't go wrong for that price" or if someone says "nice sweaters you have here" ill be like "Oh yeah... I think so too"
And its always premedatated (sp?) when I say these things. When I talk to anyone (not just at work), I feel like I'm inconveniencing them or wasting their time, which I know is common with a lot of people who Have SA. I know I don't have a lot of SA (I used to have it bad as a kid until I learned a lot from my old best friend)... like I usually never get nervous... only sometimes.
But then I think maybe I do have SA. I work in a town 15 minutes away from the one I live in (I live in a small town and it's hard to find a job), if I see anyone from my town, I'll avoid them at all costs. Like today for example I saw someone I knew and I walked away from the cash register and made it look like I was busy doing something just so they wouldn't come over.
I also get SA only around certain people. There is this one security guard at my work, who I am not attracted to at all, but he just makes me nervous. I always feel like he sees through me, I can't explain it. When he comes through, I start heating up and feeling sick. This always happens when a hot guy comes through (sometimes even when Im not hardly even attraced to the guy). I just don't know what it is.
Also, I get really nervous around my co-op teacher. its so bizarre. I am so comfortable with my world issues teacher but not this guy. But its not that I dont like him, he has a great personality and I think hes funny, but there is something unnerving about him that makes me anxious. I feel like me doing co-op in his class was something I obligated him into doing. I always feel like I'm a nuisance because he needs to find things for me to do. I know this is probably irrational.
so what is up with me?? It's like I don't have a personality... the personality I have now is just something that conforms to each person individually to what would sound right to them. Thats usually why I just agree with everyone.