Sorry for the doom and gloom but I don't really have anyone else to talk to
I've been thinking more and more about killing myself... I just hate myself on such a deep level... it's not delusional either. I think anyone would hate themselves if they were me. I'm not just talking about the SA... though that's a huge part of it. I feel like I'm a blemish on every person's life I come in contact with. Even my friends (two amazing people who somehow broke through my barrier of insecurity and managed to make me feel comfortable enough to get close to
I feel like I'm locked in a really really immature mindset. I know how deeply immature it is because of a few moments where my SA disappeared (basically I was going out clubbing every night for a year talking to girls to try to get out of it---absolutely terrifying but I forced through it---... it gave me a huge social high but didn't last and eventually I stopped getting the high)
Seriously I'm so full of hate. I have to constantly shut off judgmental thoughts about others. I think it stems from some kind of jealousy or something. I'm grateful for those experiences when the SA left because now I know how "far off the deep end" I really am. I mean that's depressing but at least now I know how wrong it is to judge others and I can at least try to suppress those feelings though they always come back. Ever since I was a child (about 10 years old IIRC) I've had these very weird thoughts where I was afraid that I was going to grow up to be evil, like Hitler or a serial killer or something. I've read a bit about OCD and it sounds like that's a symptom (having disturbing images locked in your head, that kind of thing), but it still deeply disturbs me.
Thing is... I can't deny, as much as it terrifies me sometimes I almost like enjoy scenes where people get killed or tortured in movies and stuff (I'm not talking really brutal stuff like Saw I can't stand those, but "lighter" R rated movies)... at the same time it horrifies me though it's really weird. Maybe it's all in my head. My shrink said the fact that I worry about it shows I'm not a serial killer in the making because they have no remorse. (which is def true from what I've read)... but still. I hate those thoughts so much. I do know though that I would kill myself long before I could ever hurt anyone which makes me feel better.
I want to die so badly, I hate how I am around people, I really feel like I just bring fakeness and selfishness with me everywhere I go, and poison relationships left and right. I hate how I am with my family (22 and live with my parents after dropping out of college... sis is also visiting this summer). I see my friends and how they are with their parents and siblings. I just don't have any love and I don't know why. I don't know how to show it. I don't even know what my real thoughts and impulses are because of all the anxiety that makes everything I do a carefully calculated move.
Even smoking weed doesnt help me anymore. It used to calm me tremendously and made me enjoy life and I could actually be social (I highly recommend trying it for those with SA+depression+OCD... it helps most! Make sure you use indica though). I stopped smoking for about 6 months (during which time I was gradually becoming worse and worse... this was right after dropping out of college and quitting my job) and now it doesn't "work" anymore. It still makes music and movies awesome but now it makes me more anxious for some reason.
I'm an Evangelical Christian which gives me some hope (if you don't believe in it please don't hate...), but I don't know what to do... I mean though I'm not Catholic they teach that if you kill yourself you go to hell. But even a 0.001% chance of that being true is too much you know? I'm sure that would make whatever I'm going through now seem like a joke.
I'm thinking about going on an LSD/shrooms/ayahuasca binge and just seeing what happens at the end of it. I know that sort of thing is taboo with a lot of folks, and that's cool if you're not into it. But honestly, the stuff the government says about these drugs is pure BS, and they are much safer than a lot of pharmas tbh. They're not something to be done lightly, but I know that my 2 LSD trips were the most beautiful moments of my life. I've never felt such incredible empathy for the human race. It was pure love.
I've talked to a lot of people who tripped a whole whole lot (like 100 times in a year or something)... and many say it helped them resolve psychological problems they had for a long time... might be worth a shot. On the other hand, I could possibly end up like Sid Barrett. But hey, then at least I'll be completely unaware of what's going on around me right? I don't know. If nothing else I'll get to see the deepest corners of the universe, which beats sitting in my room feeling sorry for myself.
I've already tried many many treatments... every alternative treatment out there, talk therapy, all the SSRIs, even ECT... I do believe some people can recover because I've met a couple who said they had SA---though it's possible they had a "lighter" case... but for me I absolutely believe I'm stuck with this... I just don't know how I'm going to keep it up for 60 years. I'm 22 and a kid right now basically... but once I'm 30... 40... how am I going to be able to wake up in the morning still living with my parents? I'm too terrified of the world to go anywhere else.
dunno why I posted really... just wanted to say something somewhere and I dont want to talk to my friends because I'd rather they go on with their lives and I dont want to drag them into my black hole. sorry if I depressed you