I make other people uncomfortable.

[Andy43]

I've hit another road block in my SA coping. Lately I've been really bothered by the fact that I make other people uncomfortable and it makes my anxiety worst. It's such a bad feeling to know that you make people uncomfortable. I'm just going to assume that it's because of my anxiety that these people are uncomfortable. What can I do to make it so people aren't uncomfortable around me, or not be bothered by them?

[stars]

Me too..but now i see it as "their problem". Focus on making yourself comfortable first.

[cinammon]

Originally Posted by Andy43

I've hit another road block in my SA coping. Lately I've been really bothered by the fact that I make other people uncomfortable and it makes my anxiety worst. It's such a bad feeling to know that you make people uncomfortable. I'm just going to assume that it's because of my anxiety that these people are uncomfortable. What can I do to make it so people aren't uncomfortable around me, or not be bothered by them?

I find that I make others uncomfortable by me being quiet. Sometimes try to talk more often. I have also found that if I am in a group of people, if one of the outgoing people leaves the group, the other person graviates toward more outgoing people because they sense my quietness. So being quiet is not attractive to other people.

[monkeykoder]

Truthfully it's not being quiet that makes people uncomfortable. Usually it's them sensing a need in you to have other people around. This is in general a bad thing they feel like if you need them then you're lower than them and they tend to gravitate away from you.

I say this because it's my own experience with this phenomenon and it might not fit most of you. I do know that for me personally being happy without people tends to make other people more comfortable with me because I don't feel like I need them around to be happy.

I find that if I'm not giving off the needy vibe that people really appreciate having someone listen to them. Part of my needy/anxious vibe is I tend to talk a LOT to cloud over my own anxiety about the situation. Again this may not be the case with you but try not talking any more than you feel like talking if you are that way.

I know from certain sources that I've chased off many people because I tried too hard. Sometimes later when I'm more comfortable they actually come back other times they don't. The ones that come back once you're more comfortable are the cream of the crop of people you'll ever know keep them around.

P.S. Part of the reason you make people feel uncomfortable is the fact that you're worried about making them feel uncomfortable just knowing this can sometimes solve the problem.

[kelly0205]

I make people uncomfortable too. I wish people were more secure within themselves so they don't let someone "quiet" get them all worked up inside.

[bwidger85]

Originally Posted by monkeykoder

I find that if I'm not giving off the needy vibe that people really appreciate having someone listen to them. Part of my needy/anxious vibe is I tend to talk a LOT to cloud over my own anxiety about the situation. Again this may not be the case with you but try not talking any more than you feel like talking if you are that way.

I think this is somewhat true, but how do people feel nervous about something and not come off as needy? I feel this way a lot when I go out to the bar with a couple of my friends. I want to interact but a part of me doesn't want to come off as needy. I guess I may show this neediness because I am nervous? Or maybe this isn't the case at all? I feel like it is though...

[monkeykoder]

In part the neediness is a function of a discomfort with yourself or your anxiety. The anxiety in me definitely pushes me to acting needy I know this and I've chased a lot of people away this way. I'm still working on my trick to not putting out the needy vibe.

Truth is I'm well more advanced with my anxiety with men than with women because I have a few really good guy friends and I don't really feel like having any more. While I have no real women friends and so I'm stuck two ways what I really want is a GF (no sex is even more frustrating after you've had some) but what I need are some female friends. That in the end I know will help me get through this if I can only convince myself to actually work towards that goal.

[bwidger85]

Well, I have a bit of a hard time understanding this because I want to interact and I feel as if interacting will ease the tension rather than standing there staring at each other. I can get away with not talking at work because I can act bored but if I'm put into a situation like a crowded bar where everyone is talking I just feel like I should be interacting too, so this is MAYBE where I seem needy. Like, for instance, we go out to a bar and my friends leave and I'm standing there in a sea of people all talking while I'm doing nothing; everything in my body wants to interact with people but I don't because I feel I'll come off as needy. I don't think if I approach a group of people and start up a conversation that is a needy thing, but if I linger or make everyone uncomfortable then that might be bad. W/e...

[monkeykoder]

I think the hardest part is figuring out what it is that YOU want to say and saying that instead of what you think they want to hear. The needy part comes from trying to impress instead of trying to interact. Again I don't know you so I can't tell if your problem is the same as mine but I've found talking for the sake of talking comes off as needy while breaking yourself into a conversation you find interesting doesn't so much.

[bwidger85]

Originally Posted by monkeykoder

I think the hardest part is figuring out what it is that YOU want to say and saying that instead of what you think they want to hear. The needy part comes from trying to impress instead of trying to interact. Again I don't know you so I can't tell if your problem is the same as mine but I've found talking for the sake of talking comes off as needy while breaking yourself into a conversation you find interesting doesn't so much.

Hm, yeah, that makes sense...

I generally try and get the other person talking by asking questions, etc. If I don't feel a good vibe then I'll break away. W/e, I'll be ok

p.s. Well, I suppose needy is pushing something excessively like attention, etc. I don't feel like I do that. I think we may just be overanalyzing this stuff...

[monkeykoder]

All I can say is "Waiting is".

[Andy43]

Originally Posted by joinmartin

You've been really bothered by the "fact" that you make other people uncomfortable. Erm, with the greatest of respect, is it really a "fact"? How do you know it's a "fact"? Are you a mind reader? Don't tell me, you can sense some sort of "vibe" off people that tells you clearly that you make other people feel uncomfortable.

It's not really such a bad feeling to know that you make other people feel uncomfortable. Because you can't possibly know that you're assumption that you make other people feel uncomfortable is correct. You're a human being with the capacity to be wrong. You could be wrong about all of this. Now, you may have a belief that you're right and you do make people feel uncomfortable and, if you do, you'll spend forever defending your belief's position on all of this. You'll go on some massive search in your memories and find instances when you've made people feel uncomfortable in the past. Well, actually, you'll go through your memories, make some assumptions about past events and then assume that what you've discovered constituts evidence that you make people feel uncomfortable.

I'm not attacking you. Just challenging your assumptions and encouraging you to realise that the "fact" that you make other people uncomfortable may very well actually be an "assumption" that you make people feel uncomfortable. You don't know exactly what's going on with other people. Yes, there's intuition but that is not an exact science. You're not a mind reader and there is a very good chance that you do not make other people uncomfortable.

I agree with you very much on not making assumptions and I honestly didn't mean to say it as a fact, however it does not take mind reading abilities to be able to tell when someone is uncomfortable, and especially not from someone who is uncomfortable 90% of the time. Humans pick up on body-language and can tell when someone is uncomfortable. When you talk to someone who is normally a very social and outgoing person and who ceases up when you are around them, it's safe to assume that you are causing them to be that way.

I'm not quite sure I understand this needy talk. Why would I feel a need to have people around when they are what is causing me the anxiety? Whenever I'm in a social situation and feeling anxious, the last thing I want is more people around me. I would rather have no one around me than someone. Do I not fall into this needy category?

[monkeykoder]

You might not but your concern with making people feel uncomfortable says to me that you want to feel normal around people and you want them around which can come off as needy. This isn't a horrible thing if you understand the problem what's causing YOU to have issues you can solve it. Whatever vibe you're putting off is what you have to identify. I'm giving my experiences in case they can help.

[shyvr6]

Maybe you don't make them uncomfortable at all. It could be that since you are quiet, they just assume that you don't want to talk. They most likely don't know that you have anxiety so they are also trying to read your body language and demeanour.

[bwidger85]

(sorry, a bit off topic)

There is a truth to this link about group conversation (here). It has summed up my experiences and how I feel at the bar by 100%. I'm honestly curious as to what people get from this "madness"? Excitement? I've seen it before, people getting all hyped up and energized and having fun out of this chaotic rambling while I've always opted out. I find it a tad fascinating because it's so true... it makes me wonder what the heck I'm missing! I've always rejected these types of conversations...

[letitrock]

Originally Posted by stars

Me too..but now i see it as "their problem". Focus on making yourself comfortable first.

uggggh, I thought this just yesterday but it's just so hard when you know you're the last person that they want to run into

[Social_butterfly00]

I didn't read all the replies since it would take too long, so sorry if I've repeated what the others have said. So how come you feel like you make people uncomfortable? Do you mean this in the sense that you bother people or make things awkward. Using the term 'fact' is really bad. It's important that the words we use are very selective or else we internalize them and help fuel the perpetual belief that we are 'bad' people.

Also, I think you're right somewhat in that you think it may not be true. Even if it were true, you shouldn't have to change who you are and what you do. You're probably an extremely normal person.

Try not to think about it too much because it will drag you down in the end. Sometimes I think I annoy other people, but I do not act differently than anyone else I know, so lately I just brush it off. I try to do things even though I may have certain thoughts about what I am doing and how it supposedly affects the situation I am in at the time.

[Freiheit]

I may or may not make people uncomfortable around me. But it mostly feels like I do. I guess I just have this image of what a "comfortable" person is supposed to look like, and if a person seems fidgety or talks a certain way to me, I get the impression that I maybe did something wrong :/

[nevershore]

Originally Posted by Andy43

I've hit another road block in my SA coping. Lately I've been really bothered by the fact that I make other people uncomfortable and it makes my anxiety worst. It's such a bad feeling to know that you make people uncomfortable. I'm just going to assume that it's because of my anxiety that these people are uncomfortable. What can I do to make it so people aren't uncomfortable around me, or not be bothered by them?

I work as a cashier and can tell by peoples body reaction that I make them nervous or uncomfortable. About 100 people come to my desk everyday and atleast 50 blushes/nerous talks/have shaky. It hurts me that people cant be themselves around me but are perfectly calm around my colleagues.
I have social anxiety and I feel very tense around people. When I talk it often feels forced and I almost cant truthfully laugh around others. It's like im too depressed for social small talk and get disgust by people. Therefore I guess its not so surprising that people feel like they do around me

I'm on Zoloft (started 150mg yesterday). Surprisingly some people at work still find me interesting. For example I called a girl at work when I was drunk 20 times, and left a voice mail where I told her I was inlove with her and that I was very horny :S:S The girl told me this the day after and asked me if I wanted to meet on the spare time. The same day (saturday) another girl at work calls me and asks me the join her and her friend to a party (shes a bit drunk and jokes a bit about a threesome). I guess you could say im lucky but I dont think so. I didnt dare to accept any of this opportunities and my because of this my anxiety grows...

I have about three "happydays" a month and when I have I try to show myself in public as much as I can. Because when I have these days I feel confident and I think it's because of these days people still have hope in me.

(OK way too long but it's my first post here and I feel just like you andy! Just trying too keep this thread alive so maybe more like us can share thoughts ;D)

[hopesarehigh]

stop blaming yourself simpletons! you are all predicting your own future. life is a two way street. we cannot please everyone and everyone cannot please us. everyone is bound to feel uncomfortable when they encounter something/one new. (this is how we find our place).

i don't give a rats *** if i make the dumb people unconfortable in any way shape or form since if i was in their "teritory" i would feel unconfortable myself.