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Old 05-06-2007, 08:09 PM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Default i kinda just want to die

.......iv wasted 2 years at college.............Iv wasted my whole high school years. I have never done anything. Everytime I walk outside or go to class there is an extremely hot girl that just buzzez by me and cant think of anything to say............like what the heck is going on? Im not doing well in my classes...........i live like a mess.....iv never done anything in my whole life and im almost 20..........

i cant beleive how I am still living...............
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Old 05-06-2007, 11:25 PM   #2 (permalink)
 
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I'm failing a class and just barely passing another one. I've been in school for over 5 years and I've made it this far into prof grad school, so I'm going to try stepping it up for the next few tests. If I can do it, you can too.
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Old 05-07-2007, 12:05 AM   #3 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: i kinda just want to die

Quote:
Originally Posted by inn3rlogic69
.......iv wasted 2 years at college.............Iv wasted my whole high school years. I have never done anything. Everytime I walk outside or go to class there is an extremely hot girl that just buzzez by me and cant think of anything to say............like what the heck is going on? Im not doing well in my classes...........i live like a mess.....iv never done anything in my whole life and im almost 20..........

i cant beleive how I am still living...............
Hey...wanted to respond because i don't like knowing someone else might be suffering and I want to listen or try to help...not sure what to say...i hope flinging back questions at ya might help you find some understanding in whats causing you so much stress...

I wasn't doing too well in my college classes either...mainly because of the same thing...women problems, not that I actually had been in relationships with them but the thoughts of why I was so afraid or when I didn't push myself enough I got pretty negative on myself and class was so difficult because my focus was on trying to form these bonds and connections with people and if they never happened i'd get so down on myself and I could never focus on my class subjects because of this

Living like a mess, what do you mean?

you don't think you've done anything...20 is still young and i'm told that at 27 lol and i don't think i've done anything either thats really earth shattering or changed lives...i don't think you should place so much pressure on yourself to be something so grand...I used to think being famous or having lots of money or being in that prestiges position might make me happy but its not the case because we never seem happy with that, we want more and more and more...not that i've ever been in those places but I think i've found some form of happiness finding out more about how I work, how I think, my FEARS and finding stuff i enjoy doing thats semi positive/productive
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Old 05-07-2007, 03:21 AM   #4 (permalink)
 
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Default re: i kinda just want to die

I just want to be more productive. I want to experience things that most other people have experienced. IM tired of hearing loud noises in a room or outside where people are having fun. Im tired of never being "where its happening".

Im tired of not having a girl..........hearing my roommates all the type with their own.

Im tired of always pretending that there is nothing wrong with me when I am with other people. I mean if i gave away what I am feeling noone would like me.

Im tired of never knowing what to say to girls regardless of what kind of mood I am in. I could be happy uplifting or really energetic and act confident and still get nowhere..........just because I have no clue what to say.

IM tired of all this. And it seems like life is just a joke. Nobody knows whats going on in my life. My F***** ****ty parents handed me down their F****** up genetics and now Im stuck with this disorder that consumes me. AND I do not think they would ever be able to understand what Im going through. I STILL have not told them about it.......AND Mabey I never get myself to do that.
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Old 05-07-2007, 05:54 AM   #5 (permalink)
 
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Default re: i kinda just want to die

Have you tried meds? I felt that way a long time ago.... didn't want to live the way my life was. I was in hell for 10 years. Once on meds, my mind cleared and I was able to think much clearer. I laughed for the first time in 10 years once on meds. Maybe a combination of meds and therapy would help. Honestly, many people here are on meds and it can change your life!!!
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Old 05-07-2007, 06:20 AM   #6 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: re: i kinda just want to die

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Originally Posted by phob33
Have you tried meds? I felt that way a long time ago.... didn't want to live the way my life was. I was in hell for 10 years. Once on meds, my mind cleared and I was able to think much clearer. I laughed for the first time in 10 years once on meds. Maybe a combination of meds and therapy would help. Honestly, many people here are on meds and it can change your life!!!
Meds certainly changed my life...

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Old 05-07-2007, 11:03 AM   #7 (permalink)
 
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Default re: i kinda just want to die

Meds helped me too..Its definitely something to look into.
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Old 05-07-2007, 11:06 AM   #8 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: re: i kinda just want to die

Quote:
Originally Posted by inn3rlogic69
I just want to be more productive. I want to experience things that most other people have experienced. IM tired of hearing loud noises in a room or outside where people are having fun. Im tired of never being "where its happening".

Im tired of not having a girl..........hearing my roommates all the type with their own.

Im tired of always pretending that there is nothing wrong with me when I am with other people. I mean if i gave away what I am feeling noone would like me.

Im tired of never knowing what to say to girls regardless of what kind of mood I am in. I could be happy uplifting or really energetic and act confident and still get nowhere..........just because I have no clue what to say.

IM tired of all this. And it seems like life is just a joke. Nobody knows whats going on in my life. My F***** @#%$ parents handed me down their F****** up genetics and now Im stuck with this disorder that consumes me. AND I do not think they would ever be able to understand what Im going through. I STILL have not told them about it.......AND Mabey I never get myself to do that.
I think its the comparisons to what others are doing and trying to place yourself within that expectation thats getting you down...it gets me down ...I don't know if there's a way to not make comparisons to other people other than maybe being aware that you're doing it then telling yourself you might necessarily be ready for that...

...Do you really want it? Or do you want it because you see others doing it because I think i've felt the same way about many things in my life but I don't know if I really wanted just that I saw others doing it and not being with it made me feel lesser about myself...everyone's different so maybe those things you see others doing aren't whats right for you...it may be for them, but you?

...Loneliness...i've experienced something like that in the classroom setting where the lonely feeling is magnified even when around other people because you see other people around you chatting but you're left alone and so you might begin to compare yourself and see them laughing and not be part of that...yeah i've felt that

We need help from other people because their insights can help us...even how hard that may be to ask or to sit down with some stranger and reveal stuff about yourself...i wasn't sure about that with my school counselor but its been a blessing now ...i will admit i'm still scared to go back and see him each time because each visit HAS been so good or at least I feel it has and now I have this expectation of trying to keep that up or i'm afraid i'll ruin it somehow and its been like that forever with me in any form of relationship...still trying to figure out why but anyway I recommend talking to a school counselor if possible...if it doesn't go well you don't have to go back but at least you gave it a shot...can be short and brief as well

Maybe ask if there are any other students attending classes who suffer with social anxiety disorder and how they might cope with that...?
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Old 05-07-2007, 11:20 AM   #9 (permalink)
 
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As my psychiatrist says, if you're having passive suicidal thoughts that's not normal! If you haven't tried therapy first you should look into medication. I used to feel the same way and I still do sometimes to be honest but there is help. If I were you just look into finding a psychiatrist; you shouldn't have to deal with depression like that.
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Old 05-07-2007, 03:14 PM   #10 (permalink)
 
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Default re: i kinda just want to die

I am so sick of not find a career I can be happy in. Because of dreading getting up to go to jobs I hate for so long, I am, and have been for a long time, very depressed in this area. I go to therapy, but noone understands. Its always "just get a job." But, what if you are not a people person, and would rather just be on your own, and not have to deal with anybody? If I could find a job like that, WOW! But, there isn't one, so I suffer. When I am at a job, I just like to keep to myself. I wish I could die in my sleep.
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Old 05-08-2007, 03:34 AM   #11 (permalink)
 
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Default re: i kinda just want to die

I want things because I just want them. Yknow you hear about people having intercourse and you want it as wel not because they are, but because thats just what you are supposed to do. Its part of nature.........but for some f***** up reason I havent done that because I was born without a clue of how to talk to girls.

I can be friendly....I can be a cool person........but Im not a flirt.

im tired of this...............to everyone I meet its like I have to cover up my past...........hide the fact Iv never done it or......anything for that matter......
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Old 05-08-2007, 08:37 AM   #12 (permalink)
 
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Well... stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop comparing yourself to others. What is normal? That's only a perspective.
Set goals for yourself and work towards that. Your goals should be what you can achieve.. take it little by little.

Your only 20 years old You have so much to live for. Your life could be A LOT worse. You can see a therapist, you can take meds, but ultimately, they won't cure you. Improvement comes from within
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Old 05-08-2007, 09:11 AM   #13 (permalink)
 
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Default re: i kinda just want to die

man, I think there are people worst off then we realize. I thought I had schizophrenia because of my hallucinations, delusions, panic attacks, and mood disorder. Although it was a scary experience I didnt refuse to give up and happy to be alive eventhough I dont have much of a social life if any. Just practice talking to people its like learning how to ride bicycles when you start you may fall off but once you keep trying it gets easier. I have low self esteem and have a very poor opinion of my self and cant seem to understand social dynamics: bodylanguage, voice tone, who talks the most, what to talk about, etc/
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Old 05-08-2007, 12:24 PM   #14 (permalink)
 
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Default re: i kinda just want to die

I hit that point when I was about 17. Back then I started putting all of my energy into finding the 'answer'. "I'll crack this in a few months. Its just a case of looking in the right place. All I need to do is find the key, and I'll be sorted".

I thrashed around for a while, sure I could find it in a few months. At 17 I thought "I'll be over it by 21.". At 21 I thought "I'll be over it by 24". At 22 i saw a therapist. She was crap - I felt worse.

At 24 .. I got over it. I got laid. A lot. My anxiety disappeared. I was cool as fu*k. It didn't seem to make me happy, but hell I carried on - I was the daddy. At 6 months, the CBT had really really kicked in. I started making buddies and my older relationships got better. This DID make me happy...things started to shift .... but on top of this, I loved it - I was getting all the attention and approval I'd always craved. I figured "hell I'm better". Haha!

SO I cold turkeyed the meds, I stopped the therapy. "You're not ready to be discharged - I still think you rely too much on approval" said the therapist. "Oh really", i thought. What did I care? I had all the approval I needed. So I quit. I moved away, Life was calling ..

Within a year, i was fuc*ed.

The bottom fell out. People didn't seem so approving anymore - but I still craved their attention. I still craved the sex, however little it had sometimes meant to me. At 25, I thought "I'll be over it by 27". At 27 I thought "28 ... surely .. soon ....".

Now I'm 29. I have been totally alone for a year - no friends, no girls. Just squeaking by at work. I had a review last week - it was worse than I could ever had envisaged.

So after a year of black depression I have finally returned to therapy. I realise now I was addicted to approval. I felt good only because my high mood and confidence (due to meds and belief work from the CBT) meant I could GET approval. If I didn't then it was ok, I felt very little pain. I had therapy and meds to boost me up - a willing cushion whenever I fell. But there was one little crack I hadn't fixed - and cracks always get bigger.

A year totally alone is a long time for thinking. Thinking of the ways that maybe I never really 'recovered' because I never learned how to rely on myself. Never learned that happiness cannot come from other people - because it US that has to decide whether their view really MEANS anything to us. Never learned that my new found 'skills' often translated into arrogance. Never learned that the most important persons approval I need - is my OWN.

I'm beginning to feel the depression lift again - but this time it is with a sense of calm, not a sense of conquering the world. I know I can survive alone - I've done it for long enough. I don't need people to survive, i can find my own way in life. People bring sparkle and colour every now and then, but that doesn't mean if they're not there, things need to be black and white on the inside.

With real friends, when the colour does come from the inside, from respect for each other and not just the desire to be the best - thats when relationships start to become real. And when they matter.

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On to concentrate on bright things Stuck around in hopes to help, didnt seem like there was much left I could do anymore ... good luck and comfort to those who are on their own path and hope for those yet to take their first step! Much Love
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Old 05-11-2007, 11:35 PM   #15 (permalink)
 
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You sound like me, except I don't want to die. I'm 20 too and i feel like i've wasted the past two years at college and my life cuz i haven't done anything great yet. But then again, there have been lots of successful people who haven't done anything great until they were a lot older like Oprah, Dr.Phil, Walt Disney, hell even Jesus didn't do anything great until he was 33....I mean these are great people so you still have plenty of time. Maybe instead of thinking of these next two years as a time to accomplish something great, you should think of it as a time to get your **** together. Even making small goals like have maybe one new friend at the end of your college career or something. Recently, I read in a Duke University study that the average american has only 2 real friends. So don't feel bad if you have few friends. It's normal. Think of it this way, you have 2-3 years left of college to make something good out of it, and you can. Maybe you just need to transfer at a school you'd like better or make a better situation out of the school you're at now. Bottom line: YOU STILL HAVE TIME! That's good news. And if college doesn't turn out that great for you, go to grad school and try again. But pleeaaassseee, don't get so sad that you want to die, believe me you don't. Your family loves you more than you realize and so do a lot of anonymous people (i dont want to see you die!) Well, good luck and message me if you need to talk to someone
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Old 04-10-2011, 01:04 PM   #16 (permalink)
 
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Unhappy my life pretty much sucks as well

I'm not a guy but have the same problem of no romantic relationships. I am not a virgin but my big problem is no guy ever likes me, ever. My ex husband even hated me during out marriage, at least he acted like he hated me which pretty much equals him hating me. I didn't like him either. But the point is, I don't have the prospect of ever being loved. I found this thread by typing in how I was feeling, I kind of want to die. I don't have any plans of suicide. But the feeling of hopelessness is there. No man, in my entire life, has ever loved me. My dad didn't love me, any "boyfriends" I ever had were users and now that I don't buy into being used anymore, I have no love. Any guy I ever like or have a crush on doesn't like me. I always wonder what it would be like to be asked out on a date or even have a guy hit on me. I'll never know because they don't. I'm tired of being around all these happy,young women at work who love their husband and it sound like their husbands love them by the way they treat their wives. I'm sad and lonely Especially since my latest rejection. I actually let a guy know I liked him. That's always a mistake. that was four months ago. I still actually miss the guy being around. I still feel sad about him.
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Old 04-10-2011, 01:47 PM   #17 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pacifist70 View Post
I'm not a guy but have the same problem of no romantic relationships. I am not a virgin but my big problem is no guy ever likes me, ever. My ex husband even hated me during out marriage, at least he acted like he hated me which pretty much equals him hating me. I didn't like him either. But the point is, I don't have the prospect of ever being loved. I found this thread by typing in how I was feeling, I kind of want to die. I don't have any plans of suicide. But the feeling of hopelessness is there. No man, in my entire life, has ever loved me. My dad didn't love me, any "boyfriends" I ever had were users and now that I don't buy into being used anymore, I have no love. Any guy I ever like or have a crush on doesn't like me. I always wonder what it would be like to be asked out on a date or even have a guy hit on me. I'll never know because they don't. I'm tired of being around all these happy,young women at work who love their husband and it sound like their husbands love them by the way they treat their wives. I'm sad and lonely Especially since my latest rejection. I actually let a guy know I liked him. That's always a mistake. that was four months ago. I still actually miss the guy being around. I still feel sad about him.
Hey, it could be worse. At least you had boyfriends and a husband, so you know you are capable of attracting people. Just because the ones you were with turned out to be a-holes, doesn't mean every guy out there is one. I think letting a guy know you like him is never a mistake. If a girl told me she liked me, it would make my day. Even if I didn't like her back. You are certainly farther ahead than I am. I've never even asked a girl out. At least you know what rejection feels like, so it won't be as bad next time. I think if you just keep trying its only a matter of time before you find a guy that really likes you and won't treat you like crap.
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Old 04-10-2011, 05:30 PM   #18 (permalink)
 
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Thanks for the reply. I hope I made his day when I told him that I like him however in my mind he thinks I'm some type of loser. Every time I get rejected it's seriously more painful than I can handle. It makes me avoid even acting like I'm interested in guys when I'm around them. I think I'm shut down for good this time. It's not worth this kind of pain. I don't want to get over this last guy because I like him so much. I don't hold it against him for not liking me back. But the rejection makes me feel really bad. I'm 40 years old and I'm pretty much going to be alone the rest of my life.
If it would make your day for a girl to tell you that she likes you then why don't you apply that same logic the other way around? If you like a girl then let her know it and make her day.
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