Social Anxiety Support

cassie46 · 01-21-2011, 05:52 PM

i have a lot of thoughts about social anxiety and how i feel.. so if i don't put it in order, then sorry! lol.. okay, im thinking about being prescribed to paxil or something.. but i havent good social skills since i was about 13 (5 years) so its like.. how do you function when youre "normal" because you dont even know what its like to be socially normal, therefore, are you trapped for life? it seems just impossible to overcome to me.. idk.. my anxiety has gotten A LOT worse lately.. for many reasons.. 1. my ex and i just broke up.. but he was different from my other boyfriends.. for some reason whenever i had a boyfriend (talking about 2 different ones) and we were alone i let out my true comfortable side of me and showed them a lot of love, and they appreciated me.. but this last one.. idk, he was really robotic and got annoyed when i showed him affection.. i took his virginity.. and its like it didnt mean anything, you know? and i felt like he was judging me when i told him about my past.. anyways we broke up.. well he broke up with me cause he said i was "too emotional all the time".. but its like he didnt even try for our relationship.. i took his virginity and he just up and stopped talking to me like i was nothing! we were only together for a few months but the issue is.. i feel like an idiot cause i feel like theres something wrond with me? like does he think im weird or something, wtf! mind you, physically and emotionally, i was more experienced and i hate to say this because i hate comparing people.. but i would say i was more physically attractive then him.. now i feel like a total *****, but i said it. ANYWAYS im just not used to someone breaking up with me, especially from that situation, you know? it just made me feel like an idiot.. and cause he made me feel uncomfortable, now im afraid that i will keep being uncomfortable with my other boyfriends because of this. dont get me mistaken for being shy tho.. i know most SA people cant find boyfriends or girlfriends, but mines a really weird situation.. okay reason 2. my best friend.. i used to feel comfortable around her, but when me and this recent ex dated that all changed.. all 3 of us only hung out a couple times because she would always be in a bad mood when we hung out cause she would show affection to me.. it was weird cause shes a lesbian.. but i think she liked to still feel that "attention" from guys.. because my ex used to like her.. but anyways to the point.. she would tell me how he used to try to get with her, and how she thought he might still "love" her and thats when i started to feel inferior, insecure and jealous of her.. topping that shes skinner, prettier, and awesome with social skills.. but ever since that happened and i havent been feeling comfortable with her at all.. ive been starting to get that tight feeling in my head and stuttering a lot more when i talk now.. i always feel low compared to her.. like way below the line.. and she always talks about how people call her beautiful, sweet and how they hit on her, etc.. and im sitting there feeling the exact opposite with horrible social skills and nobody hitting on me.. and i feel like such a bad person for being jealous of her, but its true.. and it makes it worse because we basically live together, and im always feeling uncomfortable and inferor when im around her and stuttering when i talk.. its just so overwhelming and suffocating.. i find i can talk to people better when shes not around.. since they surfacly dont know that insecure side of me and i can hide the stutters a lot more when i dont talk for very long.. but when shes around, i just anticipate being socially awkward cause she knows that side of me..

gosh, im sorry if i got too detailed with that, but this last reason is not that long.. okay #4.. so i had it all going on, have a job that went full force in the summertime, (when i worked my social anxiety was a lot better because i felt like i actually had a purpose when i was there) and my own car, then boom!: wrecked my car and started depending on my friend/family for rides, winter came and i went from working hard 6 days a week to only like 1 day a week, got a boyfriend who didn't appreciate me, and a major perception change in my best friend! its like all my independence got taken away from me at once, and i went from having a purpose, and partially independent, to doing nothing and sitting at my friends house being depressed all day, and not even being comfortable with her!
sorry if i seem crazy or stupid.. im writing this running on 3 hours of sleep.. and dont think that just because i had "some sort" of a life that my anxiety isnt "that" bad.. because trust me.. i deal with this battle every day of my life and during every little thing i say.. i always have this pressure feeling in my head that usually gives me headaches whenever im talking because im always anticipating the next stutter or saying something vague and weird.. ALWAYS! and i always think the next day will get better, then the next day, then the next! its always "maybe tomorrow will be different" but it never goes away!

back to the whole stuttering thing.. whenever im comfortable (which is usually never) thats the only time when i dont stutter! other than that i usually stutter daily, and thinking about it with every sentence i speak! gosh the stuttering is the most embarrassing thing about having it.. its like when you stutter, people start feeling awkward and not taking you seriously, or just thinking that your weird and vague..

i think about life too deeply.. like i always think about things over and over and every little detail they have and what impact they cause.. especially if i say something weird or if i of course stutter when i talk, its like i cant forgive myself, and i go into another social situation mainly thinking about what ive done or said before that was embarrassing and it keeps going on and on!! and on, and on!! gosh i feel like im going insane! ya feel me? lol just kidding..

there are probly a lot of things that happened in my past that contribute to this.. but i have a hell of a long life story to be writing all down! lol if you cant tell.. i just hope one day i can get over this, and be the person i want to be, and go out there and help people.. i wanna impact someone emotionally and help them change their life, whether it has to do with a homeless person getting off the streets, helping someone get off drugs, or just anything! and with this anxiety disorder, i know i cant impact anybody because it makes me depressed, never feeling a lot of energy to do anything.. and it makes me say things uncomfortably, making the other person feel uncomfortable which takes the meaning out of it.. and sometimes when i look at other people that are blissful and normal and fit in with everyone else, it just makes me annoyed because i cant feel that feeling, and just makes me too emotionally drained to talk..

1 more factor about whats making me scared to talk is that sometimes when i feel uncomfortable my voice changes.. like to a low tone, and i feel like i sound boring and manly!
wow this was a lot, and i feel like i sound crazy, but this is how i feel!!

lonestar1 · 01-21-2011, 06:42 PM

it's good to let out your feelings atleast somewhere i bet you feel better. Have you thought about how maybe its just his loss u seem like you r a bubbly person by how you detailed everything so maybe he just didnt know how to appreciate ehh his loss just move on. I totally know what you mean by acting weird in front of your friend because i do the same at work when i work with new people im really confident but when i work with people that know me i feel like a little kid and who am i trying to fool type of thing. anyways good luck just move on life continues

bluedragon · 01-21-2011, 08:41 PM

i stopped at "I have a lot of thoughts"

cassie46 · 01-21-2011, 09:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluedragon

i stopped at "I have a lot of thoughts"

alright? thanks for a waste of typing..

lonestar1 · 01-21-2011, 09:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluedragon

i stopped at "I have a lot of thoughts"

seriously what is it with these trolls? this is a forum where people can just vent and get advice. If you have nothing nice or productive to say would'nt it make sense to just stay out.

vond · 01-21-2011, 10:16 PM

lonestar1 is right, cassie46...never mind the unsympathetic posts. of course you've got a lot on your mind...you had a dud of a relationship, you wrecked your car(hoping you got out of that OK with no injuries), your working hours have taken a big hit and you have a kind of awkward living situation.
First suggestion: Don't date any more Robots. As for your roommate, can you two have a kind of deep, serious talk about your respective situations? I dated a woman for several weeks, and then -surprise- on a 'lunch date', she brought along a male co-worker. I blew off the lunch date, graciously...'three on a date' doesn't work any better than 'three on a match'...whoever's holding the match is going to get burned.
one offhand thought towards work(without knowing exactly what kind of work you do, of course) is: is there any local opportunity for you to 'volunteer' time to a local charitable organization? If you have clerical experience, or even good 'organizing' skills, the local senior center or food bank would probably welcome your help. If you enjoy reading, perhaps the local library could use a 'volunteer shelver' or counter clerk...when it comes to getting another job, I know that Employers are almost always favorably impressed with an applicant's having volunteered somewhere. Anyway, hope some of this helps. best regards, cassie46!

01-21-2011, 05:52 PM	#1 (permalink)
cassie46 Status: KONY 2012! Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: On the tippy, IN Gender: Female Age: 19 Posts: 52	I don't know, Insane? It seems like its all just a cloud.. i have a lot of thoughts about social anxiety and how i feel.. so if i don't put it in order, then sorry! lol.. okay, im thinking about being prescribed to paxil or something.. but i havent good social skills since i was about 13 (5 years) so its like.. how do you function when youre "normal" because you dont even know what its like to be socially normal, therefore, are you trapped for life? it seems just impossible to overcome to me.. idk.. my anxiety has gotten A LOT worse lately.. for many reasons.. 1. my ex and i just broke up.. but he was different from my other boyfriends.. for some reason whenever i had a boyfriend (talking about 2 different ones) and we were alone i let out my true comfortable side of me and showed them a lot of love, and they appreciated me.. but this last one.. idk, he was really robotic and got annoyed when i showed him affection.. i took his virginity.. and its like it didnt mean anything, you know? and i felt like he was judging me when i told him about my past.. anyways we broke up.. well he broke up with me cause he said i was "too emotional all the time".. but its like he didnt even try for our relationship.. i took his virginity and he just up and stopped talking to me like i was nothing! we were only together for a few months but the issue is.. i feel like an idiot cause i feel like theres something wrond with me? like does he think im weird or something, wtf! mind you, physically and emotionally, i was more experienced and i hate to say this because i hate comparing people.. but i would say i was more physically attractive then him.. now i feel like a total *****, but i said it. ANYWAYS im just not used to someone breaking up with me, especially from that situation, you know? it just made me feel like an idiot.. and cause he made me feel uncomfortable, now im afraid that i will keep being uncomfortable with my other boyfriends because of this. dont get me mistaken for being shy tho.. i know most SA people cant find boyfriends or girlfriends, but mines a really weird situation.. okay reason 2. my best friend.. i used to feel comfortable around her, but when me and this recent ex dated that all changed.. all 3 of us only hung out a couple times because she would always be in a bad mood when we hung out cause she would show affection to me.. it was weird cause shes a lesbian.. but i think she liked to still feel that "attention" from guys.. because my ex used to like her.. but anyways to the point.. she would tell me how he used to try to get with her, and how she thought he might still "love" her and thats when i started to feel inferior, insecure and jealous of her.. topping that shes skinner, prettier, and awesome with social skills.. but ever since that happened and i havent been feeling comfortable with her at all.. ive been starting to get that tight feeling in my head and stuttering a lot more when i talk now.. i always feel low compared to her.. like way below the line.. and she always talks about how people call her beautiful, sweet and how they hit on her, etc.. and im sitting there feeling the exact opposite with horrible social skills and nobody hitting on me.. and i feel like such a bad person for being jealous of her, but its true.. and it makes it worse because we basically live together, and im always feeling uncomfortable and inferor when im around her and stuttering when i talk.. its just so overwhelming and suffocating.. i find i can talk to people better when shes not around.. since they surfacly dont know that insecure side of me and i can hide the stutters a lot more when i dont talk for very long.. but when shes around, i just anticipate being socially awkward cause she knows that side of me.. gosh, im sorry if i got too detailed with that, but this last reason is not that long.. okay #4.. so i had it all going on, have a job that went full force in the summertime, (when i worked my social anxiety was a lot better because i felt like i actually had a purpose when i was there) and my own car, then boom!: wrecked my car and started depending on my friend/family for rides, winter came and i went from working hard 6 days a week to only like 1 day a week, got a boyfriend who didn't appreciate me, and a major perception change in my best friend! its like all my independence got taken away from me at once, and i went from having a purpose, and partially independent, to doing nothing and sitting at my friends house being depressed all day, and not even being comfortable with her! sorry if i seem crazy or stupid.. im writing this running on 3 hours of sleep.. and dont think that just because i had "some sort" of a life that my anxiety isnt "that" bad.. because trust me.. i deal with this battle every day of my life and during every little thing i say.. i always have this pressure feeling in my head that usually gives me headaches whenever im talking because im always anticipating the next stutter or saying something vague and weird.. ALWAYS! and i always think the next day will get better, then the next day, then the next! its always "maybe tomorrow will be different" but it never goes away! back to the whole stuttering thing.. whenever im comfortable (which is usually never) thats the only time when i dont stutter! other than that i usually stutter daily, and thinking about it with every sentence i speak! gosh the stuttering is the most embarrassing thing about having it.. its like when you stutter, people start feeling awkward and not taking you seriously, or just thinking that your weird and vague.. i think about life too deeply.. like i always think about things over and over and every little detail they have and what impact they cause.. especially if i say something weird or if i of course stutter when i talk, its like i cant forgive myself, and i go into another social situation mainly thinking about what ive done or said before that was embarrassing and it keeps going on and on!! and on, and on!! gosh i feel like im going insane! ya feel me? lol just kidding.. there are probly a lot of things that happened in my past that contribute to this.. but i have a hell of a long life story to be writing all down! lol if you cant tell.. i just hope one day i can get over this, and be the person i want to be, and go out there and help people.. i wanna impact someone emotionally and help them change their life, whether it has to do with a homeless person getting off the streets, helping someone get off drugs, or just anything! and with this anxiety disorder, i know i cant impact anybody because it makes me depressed, never feeling a lot of energy to do anything.. and it makes me say things uncomfortably, making the other person feel uncomfortable which takes the meaning out of it.. and sometimes when i look at other people that are blissful and normal and fit in with everyone else, it just makes me annoyed because i cant feel that feeling, and just makes me too emotionally drained to talk.. 1 more factor about whats making me scared to talk is that sometimes when i feel uncomfortable my voice changes.. like to a low tone, and i feel like i sound boring and manly! wow this was a lot, and i feel like i sound crazy, but this is how i feel!!

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01-21-2011, 06:42 PM	#2 (permalink)
lonestar1 Status: SAS Member Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: ARIZONA Gender: Male Posts: 201	it's good to let out your feelings atleast somewhere i bet you feel better. Have you thought about how maybe its just his loss u seem like you r a bubbly person by how you detailed everything so maybe he just didnt know how to appreciate ehh his loss just move on. I totally know what you mean by acting weird in front of your friend because i do the same at work when i work with new people im really confident but when i work with people that know me i feel like a little kid and who am i trying to fool type of thing. anyways good luck just move on life continues

01-21-2011, 08:41 PM	#3 (permalink)
bluedragon Status: Permanently Banned Join Date: May 2010 Location: USA Age: 23 Posts: 190	i stopped at "I have a lot of thoughts"

01-21-2011, 10:16 PM	#6 (permalink)
vond Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: colorado Gender: Male Posts: 47	lonestar1 is right, cassie46...never mind the unsympathetic posts. of course you've got a lot on your mind...you had a dud of a relationship, you wrecked your car(hoping you got out of that OK with no injuries), your working hours have taken a big hit and you have a kind of awkward living situation. First suggestion: Don't date any more Robots. As for your roommate, can you two have a kind of deep, serious talk about your respective situations? I dated a woman for several weeks, and then -surprise- on a 'lunch date', she brought along a male co-worker. I blew off the lunch date, graciously...'three on a date' doesn't work any better than 'three on a match'...whoever's holding the match is going to get burned. one offhand thought towards work(without knowing exactly what kind of work you do, of course) is: is there any local opportunity for you to 'volunteer' time to a local charitable organization? If you have clerical experience, or even good 'organizing' skills, the local senior center or food bank would probably welcome your help. If you enjoy reading, perhaps the local library could use a 'volunteer shelver' or counter clerk...when it comes to getting another job, I know that Employers are almost always favorably impressed with an applicant's having volunteered somewhere. Anyway, hope some of this helps. best regards, cassie46!