I don't know how to communicate with people. - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-07-2008, 04:57 PM Thread Starter
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I don't know how to communicate with people.

(Warning: am feeling quite depressed right now so sorry if this comes across overly negative/senseless/rambly)

Ever get the feeling theres these unwritten rules in life you don't pick up on? I've realised I find myself in these situations all the time...I just don't know what people's intentions are, how to react, how to interpret things etc.. Like with my counsellor. There's long pauses, and I just think: "What the f*** does he want me to say now?

Most of my humor comes from random/surreal observations about things. I know I can be pretty funny. Which is fine, but in general conversations, I can't get that basic human connection with people. People think I'm being fake, which I am really. I think people act differently with me than others cause they know I'm different somehow. I feel like the A.I. boy sometimes.

I don't think I have Asperger's (god I hate that word), I still 'get' comedy, I usually know what people will find funny, etc., plus most of the symptoms don't describe me. But it worries me. If I have it, that changes everything. I may as well not bother trying to get over SA, cause it's not going to get any better, is it? I'm 19, I don't want to suffer this my whole life

What about this post? Am I writing like a robot? cause I feel like I am. Please let me know/. I don't even think I've expressed myself properly here. Grrrrrrrrrrrr................................
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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-07-2008, 06:00 PM
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Re: I don't know how to communicate with people.

Quote:
Ever get the feeling theres these unwritten rules in life you don't pick up on?
Yep.That's because there are unwritten rules.Standard ways, and cliches etc, which people learn to use to keep interaction flowing.

I freak out at long pauses too, and i misinterpret and over-analyze and all that stuff.I've never really learned how to communicate, especially in an informal setting.I think it is a matter of learning though.

Quote:
What about this post? Am I writing like a robot? cause I feel like I am. Please let me know/. I don't even think I've expressed myself properly here. Grrrrrrrrrrrr................................
You express youself perfectly fine here, don't worry.

i dunno man...who knows...ya know??
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-07-2008, 06:19 PM
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Re: I don't know how to communicate with people.

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Originally Posted by Sharkie32
I may as well not bother trying to get over SA, cause it's not going to get any better, is it? I'm 19, I don't want to suffer this my whole life
Dude seriously consider what you're saying. Being 19 is a great thing you're still in the period when most people make friends more easily. Think about it you imagine that the pain you feel now is great but believe me shutting yourself out is even more painful (been there done that - in fact still doing it).

You're saying you're funny and I guess you have a few friends (or acquaintances as you might think). That's fine you don't need to worry yourself with forming deep relationships etc. As long as you keep in touch with other people this thing will come naturally. After all, things change and it's possible that you'll find a special person that makes you feel good about yourself blah blah blah

Just believe me, you don't want to take the "other" route



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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-08-2008, 03:21 AM
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Re: I don't know how to communicate with people.

I'll try to keep this advice panel short (lately I have been in waffle mode)

Get these books (the first two are the most important):

1) Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness - Gillian Butler
2) Overcoming Loneliness and Making Friends - Marianna Csoti
3) What does everybody else know that I dont? - Novotni
4) First Impressions - what you don't know about how others see you.

These are great books to start you on your journey (and it is a journey - please be aware that if you've had SA for a while, there are no overnight cures)

Please read my post "Let go of Logic" as I totally identify with your feelings here and have fought through the same problems. I now consider myself 90% better so hopefully my experience will help you.

Ross

On to concentrate on bright things
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Stuck around in hopes to help, didnt seem like there was much left I could do anymore ... good luck and comfort to those who are on their own path and hope for those yet to take their first step! Much Love
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-08-2008, 05:00 AM
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Re: I don't know how to communicate with people.

Such symptoms started for me when i was reading Carnegie's book called 'How to make friends and influence them' madly. It was like a bible for my teenage soul.

This book stresses all the time, that the techniques described in it should be applied sincerely, but it doesn't tell how to be sincere. At the end, i got all confused and decided to firstly discover myself before playing the social game.


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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-08-2008, 06:27 AM
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Re: I don't know how to communicate with people.

The books I have suggested are about healing yourself and showing you a new attitude. I too started with the Carnegie book, and had the same trouble. Years later I found out why. Thats because the book is trying to teach you to be socially adept, instead of asking the question "will social excellence actually heal the hole that I feel inside me"?

It teaches social skill, instead of personal and emotional honesty. It ignores intimacy, or the way that humans feel close through progressive honesty with each other.

SA makes us think that if we can only become that socially wonderful person, then we will feel happy. It makes us cling to this idea like the only plastic life-ring in the middle of a stormy, freezing grey atlantic. We'll carry on clinging even when its clear it is giving us no buoyancy.

In fact we need a different support, and approach, altogether. We need to heal what hurts inside first - and then the external becomes a much easier proposition. In a way, a vast proportion of the self-help market has helped to keep us stuck, because it never asked this very thing.

Its an attitude shift that can blow your view of yourself, and the world, right open.

On to concentrate on bright things
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Stuck around in hopes to help, didnt seem like there was much left I could do anymore ... good luck and comfort to those who are on their own path and hope for those yet to take their first step! Much Love
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-08-2008, 06:32 AM
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Re: I don't know how to communicate with people.

I'm going to buy some new books soon. I think I will try one of those.

"Riders on the storm; Into this house we're born; Into this world we're thrown. Like a dog without a bone; An actor out alone; Riders on the storm."
~ Jim Morrison ~
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-08-2008, 06:34 AM
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Re: I don't know how to communicate with people.

The Csoti book will help the emotional shift, the Butler book is laser-like CBT for SA. Different, but equally necessary, aims from each.

On to concentrate on bright things
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Stuck around in hopes to help, didnt seem like there was much left I could do anymore ... good luck and comfort to those who are on their own path and hope for those yet to take their first step! Much Love
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