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How to stop caring what people think?

4K views 61 replies 35 participants last post by  librarycat 
#1 ·
Someone once told me that if you stop caring what people think, you're free. You can do whatever you want (assuming you're not hurting anyone) once other people's opinion's don't matter.

I'm wondering how it's possible to stop caring what people think. I don't really know how anyone even goes about reducing the amount that they care.
 
#2 ·
I have had the same issue as well, i always used to care of what people thought of me but now on a smaller scale. What i did was literally tell myself what i was worried about and if it was nothing then they contribute nothing to my life. Stand up for what you believe in and do not care what people say, be different and uniqueness is why people are so interesting. You are unique, society cannot have somebody of a certain norm that represents us all, we are all different so do not care what they think of you because the only opinion that matters about yourself is yours. :)
 
#3 ·
I think as you live longer and go through more life experiences, the less you care about what others think. I cared more about what others' thought when I as in my 20's than I do now in my 40's. And think about it, other people do what they want to in spite of what others' think so why can't you?
 
#6 ·
Yeah this is something I've been trying to do for a long time but not sure how to go about it so haven't made much progress.

I think maybe it's like an affirmation, you just have to tell yourself over and over again, until you actually believe it, or at least get more comfortable with the idea.

But there is also the issue of balance to think about. You have to care about what people think to some degree, in order to get a long with people, not shoot yourself in the foot in environments where you have to interact with people much different than you are in school/work or wherever

Another idea that helps me is that you can never really know what other people are thinking, what they're motivations are for what they say and do, etc., etc. Just because someone pretends to like you doesn't mean they do, and just because someone seems rude or aloof to you often has nothing to do with you at all. Trying to figure out other people is so incredibly complicated and really not worth the agony in my opinion. So if you get out of the habit of trying to figure out what they think, why they did this or that, whether they really like you or whatever, you free yourself from a completely pointless, futile and soul sucking pasttime. It also helps to build relationships with other people because you actually have to trust them.

I generally dislike a lot of mainstream or popular stuff that people go bananas for. Most people have terrible taste in pretty much everything. So if they don't like me, why should I care? If someone who busts a gut at two and a half men doesn't think I'm funny, shouldn't I be happy about that?
 
#7 ·
Thanks so much for your responses. :)

Zoroark - I agree with you; it's just putting those ideas into practice that often becomes an issue for me. But I guess the first step is keeping those ideas in your head and making sure you've really internalized them...

Peach123 - Your comment really got me thinking, and I got inspired to write this post, if anyone wants to check it out - http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f133/kants-categorical-imperative-1467369/#post1079916785

Chompers - You make some really good points, thank you.
 
#10 ·
Well I'm not a pro on this, but I would like to share my thoughts..

I don't think it's about NOT caring about what others think of you. If you don't care at all what others think, you are a sociopath.

I think the key is to know when to care more about YOURSELF than others. Like in a class room and you want to raise your hand and answer the question the teacher gave, but don't because you are afraid of others opinion about the answer. Or such situation.

I would say the way you become more careless about others opinion and start to embrace your own is by - start doing it. Stepping out of your comfort zone in such way that its difficult, but not to extreme, so you can handle it and follow through is key.

Let's say holding a public speech infront of many many people is a 10 on the anxiety scale, but asking a old lady on the streets if she knows what time it is is a 2 on the anxiety scale. Design your own scale and work your way up on it.

Push yourself to just ask that classmate or collegue if they had a nice weekend or such.

Some other things that could help, is to challenge some other fears you may have. Such as fear of heights, dark, animals or whatever. The courage you gain from facing those fears will rubb off on other fears :)
 
#18 ·
I think the key is to know when to care more about YOURSELF than others. Like in a class room and you want to raise your hand and answer the question the teacher gave, but don't because you are afraid of others opinion about the answer. Or such situation.

I would say the way you become more careless about others opinion and start to embrace your own is by - start doing it. Stepping out of your comfort zone in such way that its difficult, but not to extreme, so you can handle it and follow through is key.

)
I think this is really good advice, thank you. I tried to do this in high school but sort of undermined myself. I was rebelling against social norms in general, so I would do things that other people considered strange just for the hell of it. I was trying to make the point that social norms shouldn't matter, and I romanticized everything that was different or unique, but I ended up seriously stressing myself out. I did care what people thought of me, even though I tried not to. And now I've gotten to the point of sometimes being afraid to do ordinary things; I'm not totally sure what happened -- maybe depression and anxiety multiplying on themselves over the years, idk... But I think recovering from a situation in the present matters way more than ruminating on all the complex causes that created the issues you're dealing with. I agree that it would make sense to give myself some exposure therapy, and with activities that actually matter this time, like contributing to an in-person group conversation (not just standing up from my desk in the middle of my junior year Lit class and exclaiming "radish!" for no reason, which my unwise and rebellious teenage self thought was cool at the time).
 
#13 ·
You gotta have the sort of confidence and unwavering belief in yourself, that even if the whole world says you're wrong/mocks you/thinks lowly of you, it won't affect your opinion of yourself.

It's easier said than done, and personally, it wasn't until I pretty much had nothing to lose anymore that I stopped caring. (I somehow managed to destroy several friendships, an amazing prospective relationship with my ultimate crush, and pretty much get blamed at everything at my workplace, all due to my passive/too nice personality.)

I kept getting punched by life, until eventually I lost the ability to get affected by whatever happens to me. My utter failure at life lit a fire under my ***, and without even intending it, i stopped giving ****s.

With that sort of mindset, you'll spontaneously become more courageous, more proactive, stand for yourself and what you believe in.

If you let peoples' negative opinions of yourself affect you, you become at war with yourself. When you become your own friend and ally, you won't really care about peoples opinions of you.
 
#19 ·
I kept getting punched by life, until eventually I lost the ability to get affected by whatever happens to me. My utter failure at life lit a fire under my ***, and without even intending it, i stopped giving ****s.

With that sort of mindset, you'll spontaneously become more courageous, more proactive, stand for yourself and what you believe in.

If you let peoples' negative opinions of yourself affect you, you become at war with yourself. When you become your own friend and ally, you won't really care about peoples opinions of you.
I wish I could be like that. I quit my job in part because I was sick of dealing with a coworker who had been antagonizing me, but if I was more courageous I would have given her a piece of my mind. Maybe she would have reported me to managers for "insulting" her or something and I would've gotten fired, but heck, I quit partially because of her anyway, and in the best case scenario she would have responded by changing her behavior and I would have kept my job... idk...
 
#14 ·
I think this may be related to low self-esteem. A person with high self-esteem who loves himself, won't care so much about negative opinions, because he knows himself and knows what values he believes in. You have to get grounded in your own values. Try to take care of yourself by sleeping, doing exercise, eating healthy, and try to get into activities which give you a purpose, or at least make you feel better about yourself.
 
#20 ·
Try to take care of yourself by sleeping, doing exercise, eating healthy, and try to get into activities which give you a purpose, or at least make you feel better about yourself.
Definitely. Those are the only things that keep me going sometimes. But yeah, I do have self-esteem issues and I can't say I have the strongest sense of identity.
 
#15 ·
It's not a good idea to not care what others think of you. If someone has a reasonable criticism of you, you should think about it and possibly consider changing. If someone is out of line, and you know what they think of you is not important, just tell yourself that there are people in this world who don't like you or the way you do things, and move on.
 
#24 ·
If it's people I interact with on an almost daily basis and I've known these blokes / gals for months, eventually I'll stop caring what they think because I've witnessed them do or say some pretty stupid things constantly in the past.

I realize this is mean but bear with me here, I'm just trying to elaborate that we as humans all **** up from time to time. So me not placing everyone on a pedestal helps immensely.

Not insinuating that I look down on people on a regular basis, rather they can be on my level when it comes to not being perfect, so it takes the edge off when I'm bored enough and want to chat with them. I mess up constantly too y'know but when I do, sometimes I'm able to laugh at my temporary stupidity and learn not to do that again.

When you make a mistake in real life yet brush it off and make it seem like it isn't a big deal, people might pickup on that, more importantly your subconscious will get used to rolling with the punches.

Lack true confidence? Try lying to yourself you actually do possess some until it becomes truth.
 
#28 ·
If it's people I interact with on an almost daily basis and I've known these blokes / gals for months, eventually I'll stop caring what they think because I've witnessed them do or say some pretty stupid things constantly in the past.

I realize this is mean but bear with me here, I'm just trying to elaborate that we as humans all **** up from time to time. So me not placing everyone on a pedestal helps immensely.

Not insinuating that I look down on people on a regular basis, rather they can be on my level when it comes to not being perfect, so it takes the edge off when I'm bored enough and want to chat with them. I mess up constantly too y'know but when I do, sometimes I'm able to laugh at my temporary stupidity and learn not to do that again.

When you make a mistake in real life yet brush it off and make it seem like it isn't a big deal, people might pickup on that, more importantly your subconscious will get used to rolling with the punches.

Lack true confidence? Try lying to yourself you actually do possess some until it becomes truth.
This is excellent advice and its how I used to be more when younger. I used to subconsciously encourage making a fool of myself so I felt I would be accepted for it and it all be a joke and lots of people thought I was funny and cool and it worked a lot and I felt happier in myself too not everything being so serious and awkward.

I dont like to be guarded and uptight and it definitely makes people warm to you more if you can have a laugh and not be too serious.

There is some problems that truly threw a spanner in the works for me with this process and basically its where I have had people switch on me and get serious and malicous and it feels like if you dont try to nip it in the bud then its going to carry on. Even with some people they try to intimidate you with the idea it could get physical. Then im thrown into the depths out of my comfort zone where the pressure is on me and im losing respect and it could spread. Ive already over ridden my guard to not over react so I can be relaxed with people and hopefully them with me and now its hard to get the guard back up without feeling like im looking too serious. I realise people who try to intimidate over the slightest hypocritical thing usually have issues themselves but it doesnt help when its just you seeing it or acknowledging it. I think many of these types of situations have left me feeling out of control and driven my SA into overdrive.
 
#25 ·
@Malek - I'm the same way, too. If I'm super comfortable around someone and hang out with that person all the time, I stop worrying so much, if at all... It does seem to hold true even the most socially successful people have plenty of less-than-polished moments once you really know them, which makes it easier to relax around them. As for brushing off mistakes, that seems like sound advice, and so does the fake-it-until-you-make-it strategy when it comes to confidence. I recently made a list of personal attributes that could arguably describe me so that I can pretend to have some sort of identity when I interact with people, and that helped me to feel a bit more like a person worth befriending (although someone could easily argue that I don't possess those attributes, but **** it, this is my united states of whatever. :p ) Thanks for responding. :)
 
#26 ·
I don't think it is possible not to care even a little bit what people think of you. Even the strongest most confident people care a bit. You can try and fake not caring (I do that sometimes) but trust me, it is just way too hard.
 
#27 ·
Someone once told me that if you stop caring what people think, you're free. You can do whatever you want (assuming you're not hurting anyone) once other people's opinion's don't matter.
This doesn't work. You just start overthinking everything you do that may hurt someone. You don't feel comfortable starting a conversation because you may come off as creepy.
 
#29 ·
I just don't give a crap, now i will not go out to a bar and start dancing or something like that, i try to avoid making my self look like a big dummy, i know when i see other drunk people dancing around like a idot (if you are actually good at dancing that is different) but these people that flop around and look like idiots (i would be one of those if i tried) well i do not care to look like a fool in front of people but in general every day life, i could care less what you think of me. you do not like me than do not hang out with me, you do not like something i say than you do not have to like it, you do not like something i do that is your problem not mine. i could care less what you think of me. only thing that bothers me is like i mentioned dancing, i would feel in my own mind that i was looking like a idiot, so really its the fact that i do not want to feel like a idiot in my own mind, its not really what the other people around me would think its what i would think.

i mean if someone does not approve of something you did or said why should you care, unless you screwed up or did something bad that is, than you should are. but if it was not bad or anything like that the only that matters is what you think, not what they think. once you look at it that way and just learn not to care tan things will change.
 
#31 ·
I just don't give a crap, now i will not go out to a bar and start dancing or something like that, i try to avoid making my self look like a big dummy, i know when i see other drunk people dancing around like a idot (if you are actually good at dancing that is different) but these people that flop around and look like idiots (i would be one of those if i tried) well i do not care to look like a fool in front of people but in general every day life, i could care less what you think of me. you do not like me than do not hang out with me, you do not like something i say than you do not have to like it, you do not like something i do that is your problem not mine. i could care less what you think of me. only thing that bothers me is like i mentioned dancing, i would feel in my own mind that i was looking like a idiot, so really its the fact that i do not want to feel like a idiot in my own mind, its not really what the other people around me would think its what i would think.

i mean if someone does not approve of something you did or said why should you care, unless you screwed up or did something bad that is, than you should are. but if it was not bad or anything like that the only that matters is what you think, not what they think. once you look at it that way and just learn not to care tan things will change.
The problem with this is that if you make it visible that you think they are a idiot for dancing and they are making a fool of themselves then they will probably feel exactly like others do on here. Now don't get me wrong if someone was extremely arrogant or trying to steal everyones thunder I can understand it but that's really the problem with the world. Everyone seems to either follow and suck up to people or they try to put them down and the illogicalness of it gets tiring a lot. I do completely accept that if you have SAD or are insecure to begin with these feelings are a lot more personal but I think even the most confident of people would get worn down or fed up being put down or judged for no decent reason. They would be able to mask it that they don't care but over a prolonged period of time it would get them.
 
#30 ·
Takes a lot of practice... but a part of you will always care what someone thinks. Over the years, I've learned to just let things go. I don't put my primary focus on others anymore. I used to put ALL my energy into worry, sadness, judgement, and being judged. What a waste of time. Don't let people live rent-free in your head. Focus on you. Focus on positive things. Read positive articles and positive affirmations. Focus on bettering yourself. Focus on feeling alive and free. Focus on being nice to others. Focus on freeing yourself up of judgement against others and yourself. When you feel better on the inside, what other people think will be irrelevant.
 
#34 ·
This is all true but if everything in history and society took this approach then nothing would ever be addressed and that's the frustrating thing. The truth is many people go through life getting upset at things and maybe even bullied. When they break that cycle they often do the exact same things for their own self perseverance so they aren't the victim again which is highly hypocritical and just feeds the dog eat dog cycle. Its what they call life I'm told.
 
#37 ·
You have to give up on wanting people to like you. You have to stop basing your value on what other people think of you and develop a sense of value in your own mind, of yourself. If you value yourself and genuinely don't need anyone else for anything, then you are free.
 
#38 ·
I've done this, but it doesn't make it not hurt when people still don't like you, or insult you for all your flaws all the time. It's easier to deal with it when you have a support system, though, friends who can make you feel valuable with their positivity.
 
#39 ·
Don't dwell on it and let it control your thoughts and mood. I think the real question you are seeking help with is, How do I stop suffering from what other people think of me? My answer is, don't let it bother you. You have a choice, to let it or not. Your ego is getting offended. The ego thinks, how could that person say that to me? I suggest watching youtube videos of Eckhart Tolle on the ego. You might think, how do I not let it bother me when somebody says mean things about me? Well, accept that mean things were said. It happened. Those words were spoken. They have no power unless you believe in what they are saying about you. Don't spend time analyzing why they said it and how they are wrong. Just say, okay that person said those things. It isn't true. And be happy. You can't control what people say, no matter how much you think you don't deserve to have things said about you or try to say/do the right thing, people will always say mean things because of themself, it has nothing to do with you.
 
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