How SAS is (not) helping - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 05:12 AM Thread Starter
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How SAS is (not) helping

It's been 3-4 weeks since I returned to society. A recent crisis had forced me to admit my life needed to change yet again. I arrived with a list of steps I felt I needed to take. Most of them are about connecting to others.
One of the first things I did was to search online for support groups/forums. I wasn't sure as to search for depression, social anxiety, suicide, or mental health in general. I think I did good signing up here eventually. I feel quite at home here and there's room for all of the above and more. Even dating for *****ing out loud!

The same day I signed up here, I had to get some groceries. A thing that I'm sure most of you dread as much, or even more, as I do. Especially the part with the cashier off course. What I noticed is that it hardly bothered me to be in the super market. In the back of my mind I dreaded the cashier part a bit though, but also this turned out to be a non issue.
Yesterday I had a bad day, I was feeling hopeless and depressed. I still needed to go to the supermarket and I took my phone too, while I was expecting a friend to call me. Something I'd normally never do. And lo and behold, he called me when I was in the supermarket. It surprised me how nonchalant and calm I picked up the phone and started talking to him right there. It hardly even bothered me that others could hear and see me!

By far the most important thing I attribute this "success" to is interacting here. The heart of the matter is that I felt connected this time. Connected to you guys. Although I was there on my own, it wasn't me against the world anymore. I had a sense of belonging. How ever fragile it was.
There was no CBT, exposure, pumping up or whatever approach involved. I just went to get groceries like I normally would have. So SAS has helped me a lot already and I'm very grateful to you.

Now for the (not) part in the title.
It has become very clear to me that I spend way more time on this forum than I like. There's also other internet stuff off course, but SAS is the main time consumer. I keep getting drawn to it and giving in to the temptation. This is not what I agreed upon with myself. It is not what I need to do most right now. It is keeping me from taking other steps on my list. Many times I'm aware, but I still give in. I can't seem to shake this addiction.
I find myself slowly loosing focus and the days fly by like seconds some time. It's not going to get me where I want to be. I could use some help in kicking this habit.
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post #2 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 05:20 AM
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How the site allows bullies to continuously be here.
The ullies get to thrive on here while the people they bully hide away.

One bully I reported on here I thought was banned but he still comes on here. It pisses me off. ****!

We are all dead
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post #3 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 06:28 AM Thread Starter
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zomb, that sucks. I've noted only some harsh responses here and there so far. I think I'd go for the ignore option if I'd feel bullied by someone. People are relatively vulnerable here considering our issues, so I see how this can be a limiting factor if you want to post something here. It is off course a fine line between freedom of speech and a safe environment. Both are important.
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post #4 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 06:41 AM
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I think that we should not ignore bullies. Because that is how they get away with doing what they do for so long.
If I or anyone else were to ignore then that gives them freedom to go onto the next person to bully. Then it gets to the stage were youre witnessing someone being bullied , someone in need of help, and all you're doing is ignoring a cry of help. Because you beleive by ignoring it, then it will go away.
But it never goes away and the bully just makes more victims. Ignoring and being silent gives the bully more power. And so I beleive that if youre witnessing someone being bullied but don't help, because of this idea that ignoring it will make it stop, then you're just as bad as the bully

It's absolutely important that we do no ignore bullies, but face up to them. And help the victims, Instead of making them feel in the wrong for standing up for themselves. Which is how I was made to feel on here by other members, who simply refused my calls for help because they thought I deserved it for not ignoring the bully.

We are all dead
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post #5 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 07:22 AM
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I can relate OP. The way I stopped showing around here so often is the active hunt for communities or hobbies I know will help me grow and/or allow me to help others do the same.

But I'm glad you have seen benefits to using this site. I reckon that's a very under-reported opinion for a place like this. It's helped me out too.

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post #6 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 07:33 AM Thread Starter
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You have a point zomb. I wasn't aware it was that bad. Personally, I think I can handle quite a bit of criticism/bullying and when I feel it's the latter, I think I'd go for ignoring. I'm reluctant to interfere in the (for me) hypothetical situation when I witness someone being bullied here. It is first and foremost someone's own responsibility to be assertive. I consider doing that for another to be potentially condescending. This doesn't mean I think anything should go here. I will speak up when my limit is reached. I'm not a moderator here though, so I don't have the final say in it. What has happened to you here?
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post #7 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 07:37 AM Thread Starter
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Great to hear that Zatch! I guess our ultimate goal should be to no longer need SAS and just live our lives irl.
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post #8 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 08:38 AM Thread Starter
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Working hypothesis: SAS is rapidly becoming my new comfort zone; a protection and a cage.
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post #9 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 09:39 AM
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Well people need to be aware of who it is without you obviously getting a warning or whatever. Have they changed their user name since?

No, same username, their profile says 'banned' but not 'permanently banned' so I'm assuming he can still use the chat function . Which is the place in which the user was bullying me.


It's the lack of feeling comfortable on here which makes this site not help, the feeling of no one having your back when you need it the most.

We are all dead
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post #10 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 09:59 AM
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That third paragraph is interesting because I've always found I have way less anxiety if I'm doing things with someone else (they distract me from myself,) and a few times back when I made YouTube videos out and about talking to the camera I would do the same thing with my mental 'audiance' (even while not filming sometimes.)


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post #11 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 10:12 AM
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No, same username, their profile says 'banned' but not 'permanently banned' so I'm assuming he can still use the chat function . Which is the place in which the user was bullying me.
Unless i'm mistaken, If it just says banned, then they entered that as their custom user title. If they had been banned it would say temporarily or permanently banned under their username.

Banning someone here seems useless though since they can just hop on a vpn and come back fresh with another account.

Pedal to the metal
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post #12 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 10:14 AM
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I try to balance my days with doing what I want to do and what I need to do.

I've spent some days nearly entirely online. I've also spent some days focusing nearly entirely on work. The ladder does feel more productive but both feel like wasted days. It was easy for me to fall back into depression, if I was doing one of the two frequently.
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post #13 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 10:29 AM
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Originally Posted by zomb View Post
I think that we should not ignore bullies. Because that is how they get away with doing what they do for so long.
If I or anyone else were to ignore then that gives them freedom to go onto the next person to bully. Then it gets to the stage were youre witnessing someone being bullied , someone in need of help, and all you're doing is ignoring a cry of help. Because you beleive by ignoring it, then it will go away.
But it never goes away and the bully just makes more victims. Ignoring and being silent gives the bully more power. And so I beleive that if youre witnessing someone being bullied but don't help, because of this idea that ignoring it will make it stop, then you're just as bad as the bully

It's absolutely important that we do no ignore bullies, but face up to them. And help the victims, Instead of making them feel in the wrong for standing up for themselves. Which is how I was made to feel on here by other members, who simply refused my calls for help because they thought I deserved it for not ignoring the bully.
I agreed, mods needs to do a better job on this forum.


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post #14 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 10:48 AM
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Unless i'm mistaken, If it just says banned, then they entered that as their custom user title. If they had been banned it would say temporarily or permanently banned under their username.
If they were a new member and the "Ban and Clean" function was used (which deletes all of their posts as well as any PMs they have sent), it will say "Banned", even though it is permanent. This is what we usually use for spammers and trolls.

Unfortunately, it isn't always easy to ban people from Chat. They need to be online and signed into Chat at the time you want to ban them. It doesn't mean bullying is allowed.

Sometimes it is possible for banned members to still have access to it because they need to be banned from Chat as well as the forum.

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post #15 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 04:38 AM Thread Starter
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zomb, I'm sorry you don't feel comfortable here. I hope your negative experiences here won't forever hold you back. It's probably impossible to prevent every incident, but I don't have the impression bullying is the norm here. On the contrary. So far I've seen a bunch of nice folks who are struggling with daily life just like you and me. It's hard to imagine no one will back you up here. It's in our own best interest as well to do so.

Persephone The Dread, That's an interesting point. I hadn't thought about it. Being overly self conscious is off course a state that leads to trouble. I too have the experience that this is way less when I do things with a friend. It can be different as day and night. It seems to me this is a non verbal affirmation that we get from it. We are accepted, appreciated, etc. and therefore we qualify as a worthy (enough) human being. When on our own, we're stuck with the opposite reality that's inside of us.
The situation in the supermarket was a bit of a revelation to me. I didn't know it was possible to not be alone like this. In other words, the connection lasted beyond the moments where I was logged in here. That it's a forum makes it even more remarkable to me.
All of our perception is internal off course. This makes me wonder to what extent this connectedness or distraction from the default can be internalized. In my experiences with friends irl, it doesn't last long and it needs frequent maintenance to stay away from the default.
It fascinates me you were able to use a virtual audience and I'm eager to hear how far you were able to stretch this concept.

PhilipJFry, I'm going to give it some thought. Perhaps I should try to be more forgiving to myself when I spent time here.
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post #16 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Tuan Jie View Post
...It surprised me how nonchalant and calm I picked up the phone and started talking to him right there. It hardly even bothered me that others could hear and see me!

By far the most important thing I attribute this "success" to is interacting here. The heart of the matter is that I felt connected this time. Connected to you guys. Although I was there on my own, it wasn't me against the world anymore. I had a sense of belonging. How ever fragile it was.
I'm pleased to hear you've found this place so helpful. Even though that's not why I'm here I must admit that if nothing else it does count as "social practise" and that's probably worth something.

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Now for the (not) part in the title.
It has become very clear to me that I spend way more time on this forum than I like. There's also other internet stuff off course, but SAS is the main time consumer.
Maybe you should make a schedule for your days and limit the time you spend on here, you could just log on in the morning or evening for instance and reserve the daytime for real life activities. If you have a schedule it could make it easier to make sure you're prioritising the things you really should be.

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post #17 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:45 AM
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Originally Posted by zomb View Post
No, same username, their profile says 'banned' but not 'permanently banned' so I'm assuming he can still use the chat function . Which is the place in which the user was bullying me.
I had no idea this was happening, I've never had a negative chat experience on here. Is it possible to block a user from chatting with you?

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post #18 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 12:10 PM
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i think at the end of the day your progress is in your hands, i believe all these external factors have positives and negatives that come with them. I can agree on some of the ups and downs you mentioned related to this site but i think it is up to us to decide when something is predominantly positive or negative in our life. Stuff like this site or apps considered social media probably just need to be heavily regulated, they are made to be addictive so i know it is a ***** , i just dont deal with a lot of them to begin with. Just use skype and sas occasionally, since i still get some benefits from these ones.
Anyways good luck, the point is to remain resilient and keep looking at things from different angles.


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post #19 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 12:10 PM
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I had no idea this was happening, I've never had a negative chat experience on here. Is it possible to block a user from chatting with you?
There no way of blocking someone, but I refuse to go back on the chat, because of the amount of people who enable the bullies.
those same people have also made me feel small and have been judgmental on the things I have said- I've been open and honest about my experiences that have lead me here.- they've made me feel ashamed of ever opening up at all. A couple have even outright told me to shut up and one repeatedly called me a lier after I spoke about different experiences- being hit by a car, kissing girls, things in general. And this is by the popular members who aren't outright bullies.
I have very little trust in these people, as I've experienced homophobia in the chatroom by a paticular member, members have witnessed this but continue to talk with this user.
Even just talking about my day in general, I've been told no one cares about me and I don't deserve respect.

So its not just full blown bullying but subtle bullying by popular members that make this place not help. I used the chat because I was lonely, but I've been left excluded by the general population of the chat, which is a part of the subtle bullying. Now I have nowhere and more alone than ever beaus of the bullying.

And I do have little trust with mods, especially one who said i deserved the bullying, simply for standing up to a bully. So its difficult to report any of this

We are all dead
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post #20 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 12:27 PM
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There no way of blocking someone, but I refuse to go back on the chat, because of the amount of people who enable the bullies.
those same people have also made me feel small and have been judgmental on the things I have said- I've been open and honest about my experiences that have lead me here.- they've made me feel ashamed of ever opening up at all. A couple have even outright told me to shut up and one repeatedly called me a lier after I spoke about different experiences- being hit by a car, kissing girls, things in general. And this is by the popular members who aren't outright bullies.
I have very little trust in these people, as I've experienced homophobia in the chatroom by a paticular member, members have witnessed this but continue to talk with this user.
Unfortunately there are no shortage of people like that, the best you can hope for is that there are also good people too.

Are we talking about 1 to 1 chat or the chatrooms (as you've mentioned onlookers I would assume chatrooms)?

I've looked at the chatrooms occasionally but there never seems to be any actual conversations happening so I just close it and move on. 1 to 1 chats seem to better, maybe you could see if you can find people to talk to on there.

Have you tried that before?

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