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Old 10-14-2009, 08:40 AM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Default How do you meet people/date??

I know this question doesn't really apply to girls with SAD but for the guys in here how do you meet girls and get a date? Truth be told I never had one because of SAD. Do most guys with SA usually remain single all their life - statistically speaking?
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Old 10-14-2009, 08:47 AM   #2 (permalink)
 
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You have to talk to them. Like about things. Like where they are from and what they like to do and their family and what kinds of stuff they are aware of etc. It's good to be funny if you can because that makes them feel more comfortable. We don't talk much so generally we don't date much. When I can force myself to talk, I get dates, when I can't, nothing. Usually can't.
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Old 10-14-2009, 08:47 AM   #3 (permalink)
 
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For me, I need to get to know someone before I can attempt to ask them on a date. I need to KNOW that they have feelings for me because the thought of rejection is terrifying for me, so going on nights out and chatting up girls is a big no no.

Therefore the best way for me to meet people is through professional situations like work or uni (which is over now). So for me meeting people at work or through friends and getting to know them in a situation where the goal is professional rather than social is the key, because it allows me to be in a location where I am comfortable and also to just be myself, and if for whatever reason the girl seems to enjoy my company I know it is because of who I am and my personality rather than much else (since my appearance never goes down well).

So that is how it works for me at least, my huge lack of self esteem makes situations like these easier to cope with.
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Old 10-14-2009, 12:07 PM   #4 (permalink)
 
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well for me, i meet my girlfriend on the internet, it turns out we only lived about 45 minutes away, so after talking on the internet for about a month, we decided to meet in real life, so we meet at a mall, and that was our first date, its a little easier talking to someone you meet on the internet, you know they wont judge you for being akward or anything, the first initial meeting is kind of akward, especially the first like 20 minutes, but it gets a lot easier, my girlfriend and i have now been going out for about a month and a half, and its going really well, so i think meeting people on the internet is a good thing as it makes the dates a lot less akward, and you can get to know them on the internet, which is a lot easier
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Old 10-14-2009, 12:08 PM   #5 (permalink)
 
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I don't usually meet people in public, or waiting in a line, etc. I'll usually hang out with friends and have the good fortune of having one of the girls approach me. Usually it's "Hey, how come you never talk?" and then I'll say something witty and continue to make he laugh, blah blah blah. Then we'll go out and I'll get more comfortable being my normal self, and she'll lose interest, haha.

So I guess my dating life has primarily relied on being in the right place at the right time with friends; something that hasn't happened in over a year, now.
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Old 10-14-2009, 12:41 PM   #6 (permalink)
 
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we still want to meet guys too and it wouldn't make sense that the places/situations differ from guys. some of these examples are how guys would talk to me or would meet me even if it wasn't for a date, even though you did direct it to guys only i can still give a bit of insight on this ithink.

so, if you don't have friends who you meet people through, i'd say places where you share similar interests or just something in common. for example, at concerts, through clubs (could be anything like sports, art, reading, etc), in classes (taking the same courses would count as something in common even if it's not an interest).

there is the possibility of approaching strangers in more "neutral" (i mean, where there isn't something you would clearly have in common) public places, like grocery stores, on the bus, etc. but when i've been approached in those situations i have nothing to judge the guy on, particularly since they don't even ask about interests that much and just get to the point, so i'm much much less inclined to want to date or get to know them.

plenty of SA guys date and get into relationships. you can find countless examples on this site.
with anyone, it takes enough confidence and initiative to at least express interest and to maintain the relationship (even if you aren't the person who initiates the relationship, you still need those qualities to keep it going as i know from experience). that doesn't mean you have to be extroverted, be so confident you love everything about yourself, or even have achievements to prove to the person that you are better than others, etc.
just enough that will get you to push yourself to do it and that can help you handle rejection in a decent way.

the internet is a good place as well. for both relationships i have had, i met them through random forums (not dating sites, it developed more naturally) and they both ended up having SA.
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Old 10-14-2009, 01:29 PM   #7 (permalink)
 
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Old 10-14-2009, 10:17 PM   #8 (permalink)
 
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Originally Posted by nothing to fear View Post
with anyone, it takes enough confidence and initiative to at least express interest and to maintain the relationship (even if you aren't the person who initiates the relationship, you still need those qualities to keep it going as i know from experience). that doesn't mean you have to be extroverted, be so confident you love everything about yourself, or even have achievements to prove to the person that you are better than others, etc.
just enough that will get you to push yourself to do it and that can help you handle rejection in a decent way.
thank you, i love this. i was always fixated on just getting into a relationship. as for what would happen after that, i had no clue. i guess i thought it would all be automatic. like if i was good enough looking, i would get into a relationship and that would heal me. so i hated myself for not being good enough looking to make a girl ask me out. yeah i was pretty stupid.

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you make it sound so easy. and fun!
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Old 10-14-2009, 10:36 PM   #9 (permalink)
 
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Old 10-14-2009, 11:24 PM   #10 (permalink)
 
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TBH you won't get a date with social anxiety. You need to work to get rid of social anxiety, but I do know exactly how that feel.

I want a girlfriend so badly when I had SA. Now it doesn't bother me as much, i get notice from girls and I approach them daily. I already got myself quite a few numbers and just recently went to the dining hall alone, and saw these two cute girls and I just went up to them and introduce myself. I didn't get their number, we are not friends, probably won't see them again, but I feel good. I feel good because I now have the courage to do these things, and these girls like to be approach. A smile from a girl you like will make your day better. I'm always going outside with a warm smile and extremely confidence and happy.
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Old 10-14-2009, 11:54 PM   #11 (permalink)
 
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TBH you won't get a date with social anxiety. You need to work to get rid of social anxiety, but I do know exactly how that feel.

I want a girlfriend so badly when I had SA. Now it doesn't bother me as much, i get notice from girls and I approach them daily. I already got myself quite a few numbers and just recently went to the dining hall alone, and saw these two cute girls and I just went up to them and introduce myself. I didn't get their number, we are not friends, probably won't see them again, but I feel good. I feel good because I now have the courage to do these things, and these girls like to be approach. A smile from a girl you like will make your day better. I'm always going outside with a warm smile and extremely confidence and happy.

You CAN get a date despite if you have SAD. Working on getting a date can be a way to cope and overcome part of your SAD. You can still achieve social success while coping with social anxiety.
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Old 10-15-2009, 12:40 AM   #12 (permalink)
 
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You CAN get a date despite if you have SAD. Working on getting a date can be a way to cope and overcome part of your SAD. You can still achieve social success while coping with social anxiety.
Yes I suppose you can get a date depending on how severe your anxiety is. But can you even talk to the girl or guy with a decent conversation in the first place without being extremely nervous? Well it much easier for girls then guys and since the OP is a guy, that is my answer to him. It doesn't mean he shouldn't try, but once he over anxiety, he will feel a lot more relax and getting a date will come much more natural and easier.
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Old 10-15-2009, 02:26 AM   #13 (permalink)
 
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I LIKE IT!

But yeah, I also want to know how to meet a girl. I have limited options really, and the ones I like the look of are always dancing and surrounded by other good looking girls. How are you supposed to compete with that?!

Ah, but more seriously:
* Don't rush (even though I can certainly understand that impatient feeling!)
* Try to find some structured things you can do around hobbies, where you can meet people and get to know them slowly. E.g. might be a bush walking group (lol, I'm an Aussie!), something arty, some sort of course etc.
* Don't go looking for love - just get out and meet people, have fun along the way, and have faith that things will happen when they should.

MY GOSH I wish I could follow my own suggestions!
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Old 10-15-2009, 05:52 AM   #14 (permalink)
 
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Um, how doesn't this apply to girls?
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Old 10-15-2009, 08:10 AM   #15 (permalink)
 
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Um, how doesn't this apply to girls?
He's probably noting that, in general, guys are expected to make the first move.

Which is why I think there's a good chance this thread is gonna end up locked, sooooo.....out comes the popcorn!
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Old 10-15-2009, 08:23 AM   #16 (permalink)
 
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Naah it's not gonna get locked. What I said was objective enough. It's not a controversy but social expectations I am talking about. Moderaters can lock only if its a heated controversy. Well if you are a girl and always want to make the first move but can't do so because of your SA this thread applies to you too.
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Old 10-15-2009, 08:45 AM   #17 (permalink)
 
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Originally Posted by RedWolf View Post
Yes I suppose you can get a date depending on how severe your anxiety is. But can you even talk to the girl or guy with a decent conversation in the first place without being extremely nervous? Well it much easier for girls then guys and since the OP is a guy, that is my answer to him. It doesn't mean he shouldn't try, but once he over anxiety, he will feel a lot more relax and getting a date will come much more natural and easier.
how is it much easier for us girls to make decent conversation without being extremely nervous? do we innately have better conversational skills? that was a major problem for me for years. it didn't matter if someone showed interest, my lack of social skills and extreme anxiety still held me back from having a decent conversation, getting to know the person, and most definitely from dating them or just becoming friends.

actually i'm not trying to futher the 'which gender has it easier.." discussion since it gets annoying i think it'd just be ridiculous to assume that we have less anxiety and better social skills.
having that attitude that it's always easier for girls, might make you subconsciously put them on a pedestal if you think they might be above you in that sense, which just increases your anxiety. when you know that they could have just as many difficulties and problems as you it in a way could make you feel more at ease knowing they may be less judgmental and more understanding if you can't do everything "right" or perfectly.


i very much 2nd what Auron said. browse this board for just a bit and you'll find that guys who do have pretty bad anxiety can still get into relationships. none of you are doomed for life because of this disorder.

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I LIKE IT!

But yeah, I also want to know how to meet a girl. I have limited options really, and the ones I like the look of are always dancing and surrounded by other good looking girls. How are you supposed to compete with that?!

Ah, but more seriously:
* Don't rush (even though I can certainly understand that impatient feeling!)
* Try to find some structured things you can do around hobbies, where you can meet people and get to know them slowly. E.g. might be a bush walking group (lol, I'm an Aussie!), something arty, some sort of course etc.
* Don't go looking for love - just get out and meet people, have fun along the way, and have faith that things will happen when they should.

MY GOSH I wish I could follow my own suggestions!
definitely good advice.

but now what kind of place do you live in if good looking girls are constantly dancing, non-stop? i assume in some environments you can be around girls who might be alone or not surrounded by all their close female friends. the hobbies you mentioned are good places to start.
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Old 10-15-2009, 08:58 AM   #18 (permalink)
 
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I know this question doesn't really apply to girls with SAD but for the guys in here how do you meet girls and get a date? Truth be told I never had one because of SAD. Do most guys with SA usually remain single all their life - statistically speaking?
i'm a girl, i've never been on a date.
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Old 10-15-2009, 09:31 AM   #19 (permalink)
 
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@Nothing to Fear: Yeah I agree with what you are saying. In fact the statement I made was never intended to start that stupid controversy. It was more of a "I know most girls wouldn't know where I am coming from" statement. I am not starting a debate at all. And you are right. If a girl is too quite it maybe construed as "cold shoulder".

@Alohomora: Yup! It sucks for everyone. All we need to do now is use the Alohomora charm to open the doors to the non-SA world. Just kidding. Dont take that line as a blanket statement, because it is not.
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Old 10-15-2009, 12:34 PM   #20 (permalink)
 
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@Alohomora: Yup! It sucks for everyone. All we need to do now is use the Alohomora charm to open the doors to the non-SA world. Just kidding. Dont take that line as a blanket statement, because it is not.
lol
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