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How do I socialize?

6K views 14 replies 11 participants last post by  zariuq 
#1 ·
I want to socialize, but I have no clue how to start doing it. I go to class, I leave class to do homework and screw around in the library, I go to some club meetings, I go home. I feel like I have no free venue to meet people or build relationships.

It's as if I need to solve a math equation, but in order to learn how to solve it, I need to be fluent in Japanese. And there are no "Learn Japanese" books available. A silly analogy, but my point is that, in my mind, I'm not bad at socializing - rather, I don't even know how to start socializing and have the chance to be bad at it. I hear lovely stories about how people met their romantic partners in class, and it sounds like a fairy tale to me: I sit across from Hypothetical Girl in the class, we both listen to the lecture, we both walk out at the end and go to wherever we need to go - how the hell is anything supposed to come of that? Aggh. And yes, I'm so pathetic that I don't even know whether I want friendship or romance. Both, I guess.

Anyway, I'm desperate for advice.
 
#2 ·
i wonder the same thing every day haha.

well anyways the advice i usually get is to take baby steps; to get to class a little bit early and ask someone about some class-related/club related topic (did you get question X on the review, etc), then get to talking to them regularly, then eventually ask them to do something outside of class/club meeting. i hardly ever get to that point, though. i overanalyze everything. i do notice that asking for their number (for class/club-related stuff) tends to speed the relationship up sometimes, as does adding them on facebook. just don't be to quick about it.
Also, if there is some specific person that you want to befriend, but are having trouble talking to them directly, sometimes it helps just to talk to someone--anyone--nearby to send the message that though you are usually quiet, you are open to socializing. it won't be as awkward when you try to talk to them if they've seen you talking to other people. Usually the classes where i have at least one person i talk to nearby (even if i don't particularly like the person) are the ones i am more likely to get the confidence to talk to even more people.

But as far as places to meet people, i'm about as stuck as you :) Maybe someone else will know.
 
#3 ·
Socialising is important and for the most part we have a drive to do it, as long as the our fear isn't greater than that drive, we usually succeed.

What do you think about changing little habits. Say hello to those people you pass by often. They can be teachers, students or whoever.

idk1 made a good point. Making chat with people around you is ideal. An important factor in socialising is proximity. You are only going to be able to meet those who sit near.

You can do that by chatting with people before class, while they wait, during class when there is a break or group activity and after class to continue conversations you have started. Whenever there is a free moment.

Any ideas of what you can talk about?
 
#4 ·
That's the point where my lack of small talk skills come into play, along with my paralyzing anxiety about approaching people. There are lots of things I'm interested in (languages, history, news, politics, assorted pop culture), but I can never think of relevant things to say to people in day to day conversation. There have been times when I've been conversing with a given person, and the conversation falls silent, and I'm screaming inside, trying in vain to think of things to say.
 
#5 ·
well, exposure therapy would probably be the simplest option in the long-run. As far as basic social skills you have to learn
Introduce yourself to people
know how to approach people
Listen and observe
Know the flow of a conversation
Fill in those akward silences

thats just off the top of my head, it might not help but give it a try and don't think your crazy if you use a mirror to practice..lol But im sure there are some social tips you can find, try googleing it ino theres some stuff out there on teh interwebz.
 
#7 ·
Hey I've included a couple of tips for good conversation.

Alright buddy,

The more you talk to the better you'll get at it.

I will tell you 2 of the most important things to do during a conversation. Most grown-ups don't even do them.

The trick with good conversation is right in front of you.

Pay attention to what the other person is saying
Pay attention to what the person is wearing

So if you focus on the worry that you have nothing to say during the conversation, as you may have found out already, you'll run out of things to say.

Observing what has been said in the conversation can lead to other conversation.

ie. if you are talking about the olympics, that can easily go into conversations about travelling, or it can go into conversations about sports or about hobbies.

Observing what the person is wearing can be useful if you get stuck for what to say

ie. (if you run out of things to say after a minute or two) observe something like a ring or a top or shoes and comment on them. "i like your shoes, where did you get them?"


Be determined, becoming a good conversationalist takes practice.

If you need any more clarity let me know, and tell me know how it goes.

-Al
 
#9 ·
I want to socialize, but I have no clue how to start doing it. I go to class, I leave class to do homework and screw around in the library, I go to some club meetings, I go home. I feel like I have no free venue to meet people or build relationships.

It's as if I need to solve a math equation, but in order to learn how to solve it, I need to be fluent in Japanese. And there are no "Learn Japanese" books available. A silly analogy, but my point is that, in my mind, I'm not bad at socializing - rather, I don't even know how to start socializing and have the chance to be bad at it. I hear lovely stories about how people met their romantic partners in class, and it sounds like a fairy tale to me: I sit across from Hypothetical Girl in the class, we both listen to the lecture, we both walk out at the end and go to wherever we need to go - how the hell is anything supposed to come of that? Aggh. And yes, I'm so pathetic that I don't even know whether I want friendship or romance. Both, I guess.

Anyway, I'm desperate for advice.
I thought I was reading myself!! Welcome to the club I guess. I am not always the quiet one but I don't seem to build any relationships with anybody, don't know why
 
#10 ·
Find people you enjoy spending time with. You have conversations to communicate mutual interest with the person you enjoy being with. They are not a contest.

I understand your frustration at the 'unwritten rules' of social interaction. I often think in similar terms to your analogy. How can I know what to do when I've never been taught to do it? The trouble is most people just pick it up as they navigate life. Its like you were not given the manual to operate a device. You do not have a clue about what to do. I have the same problem. The only solution is to learn the rules by other means. I found reading about autism spectrum to be helpful, since they share some of the same difficulty I do in not being able to see or know the rules.

http://www.socialthinking.com/what-...rs-for-persons-with-social-cognitive-deficits

I think there are two components to social disability if you want to call it that, the first is a lack of rules and tools required to socialize, the second is anxiety. There was a study I saw where socially anxious people were able to functional just as good as non-socially anxious people when their anxiety was reduced by taking anti-anxiety medicine. I tend to believe that, because I can hold forth in conversation with myself in front of the mirror or talking aloud to myself, but the moment I am in front of a person I start talking in monosyllables that don't make much sense. I know the difference in my conversational ability is anxiety.
 
#12 ·
I've been going through the same thing all year and it does really suck. The way I'm trying to fix it now is to simply find more clubs to join to get more practice and give me more oppurtunities to meet people. I'm also going to go on medication soon which will hopefully help me come out of my shell.

I also think the us not knowing the "social rules" is a myth. We just lose track of what they are because of anxiety. Just look at anyone else who is really nervous. They look awkward make mistakes seem off etc. We just have to deal with that kind of anxiety all the time and we fall into the trap of thinking thats all we are capable of.

What clubs are you in now btw?
 
#15 ·
I also think the us not knowing the "social rules" is a myth. We just lose track of what they are because of anxiety. Just look at anyone else who is really nervous. They look awkward make mistakes seem off etc. We just have to deal with that kind of anxiety all the time and we fall into the trap of thinking thats all we are capable of.
:eek: :afr wooha, that's too familiar.

Perhaps you are right that we just lose track of what the 'social rules' are through over-analysis (quite probably anxiety-induced :um).

I'll say just be direct, and it's probably allowed ^_^; Yeah, this may not work if you say "hi, I want your phone number and to eventually be your boyfriend :)" :no . But, are you completely sure that's the case before you even talk to them? Even for the phone number, you'd probably want to have good talk with them to see that there really is some sort of mutual interest first ^^; So, just directly go for it because social rules are a myth ;)

[Now, I'll go climb a cliff without a rope before actually doing this. - the only times I have, I acted before I could think :roll:sus]
 
#13 ·
Ya, surprisingly i'm pretty socially adapt, but for me there is a condition; it depends on my mood and what people i have to socialise with. But mainly I do like socialising, and i've gotten better at this, by 'facing the fear'. just ask people a question about something you have in common, and then start talking from there. Problem is, is that I often don't form long or deep friendships this way as i seem aloof and content in my own company. And as for striking a romance?... well for me the probability is very low. I think i give off the vibe of ' i'm approachable (most of the time), but not willing to form a deep friendship/romance'. I have trust issues which stops me from making more friends like this.... I'm not helping, just thought i'd give my own experience.
 
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