Holding Myself Back

[gold132]

I recently started college and its probably been the best decision i've ever made. Its got me out of my comfort zone and i'm starting to make friends .....but i still feel like i'm holding myself back allot

Still being too quiet, still being unassertive. Its like i'm afraid the friendlier i get with people the more personal questions they'll ask and the more social pressure will be on me so i'm not giving it the full 100%

I see other people acting so freely without care and i want to be like that but my fear of the unknown is stoping me. And i'm constantly thinking "what if someone asks me this or that?" and "how will i cope answering it?"
Even when i come home i'm constantly thinking of stuff i could have said in certain situtations but chickened out of saying.

[AshCash]

I've always (and still am) been jealous of those who can fully express themselves freely,or at least appear they can.And what your feeling about you not giving your all 100% is maybe you are,maybe your just being overly critical on yourself because if you think about it your doing the best you can right now,your in COLLEGE and that's a huge step in itself right? just being there is a great accomplishment in itself and you should celebrate that,and maybe you might not feel that your doing your best because your not used to your surroundings and just need to be more patient on yourself and just take each day as it comes, instead of being sooo focused on beating yourself up. I don't know if that did anything what so ever haha but I'll pray for you,and I'm glad I'm not the only person that feels that way because I do that to myself on a daily basis almost.

[sonne1234]

I try to always be honest, and I probably express myself too freely too fast, which makes people get weirded out by me. The way I see is this: I tell the truth and lay it all out on the table. If that scares them away, then that's their problem. They would have lleft ater down the road anyway; but, if they look passed it in the beginning, maybe they'll accept me much fuller later on

[Prakas]

Originally Posted by sonne1234

I try to always be honest, and I probably express myself too freely too fast, which makes people get weirded out by me. The way I see is this: I tell the truth and lay it all out on the table. If that scares them away, then that's their problem. They would have lleft ater down the road anyway; but, if they look passed it in the beginning, maybe they'll accept me much fuller later on

This sounds like the best way to approach it. Being honest will get you the farthest in life.

I personally envy this, but am too self conscious, hard headed, paranoid, erc. to do it and keep everything to myself. Always afraid of what others are thinking.

[pixies]

Originally Posted by gold132

I recently started college and its probably been the best decision i've ever made. Its got me out of my comfort zone and i'm starting to make friends .....but i still feel like i'm holding myself back allot

Still being too quiet, still being unassertive. Its like i'm afraid the friendlier i get with people the more personal questions they'll ask and the more social pressure will be on me so i'm not giving it the full 100%

I see other people acting so freely without care and i want to be like that but my fear of the unknown is stoping me. And i'm constantly thinking "what if someone asks me this or that?" and "how will i cope answering it?"
Even when i come home i'm constantly thinking of stuff i could have said in certain situtations but chickened out of saying.

Here's my advice of a few things you should do.

1) Think about things that are important and not, and open up about none important things. If someone asks you what you are studying or something, or what your favourite drink is, or what kind of music you like, then these are all VERY unimportant and you should be able to answer without hesitaton. But, you should accept that even people without Social Anxiety don't want to talk about *everything*.. You are not expected to, and even perfectly sociable people with no mental issues at all, sometimes like to hold things back a bit. It's things like that which makes some people interesting and enigmatic. Sure some people will talk all day about themselves, but some people prefer not to and there is nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean you have a problem, it just means are a bit more of a private person - like a lot of people in the world. The same goes for being quiet and unnassertive. You don't want to be completely silent all the time and you don't want to be walked over, but again, you don't have to be the opposite either. It's perfectly normal to NOT be like that. Being too assertive and too talkative is just as bad as being quiet and none assertive. So yeah, try to be assertive when you absolutely need to be, and chat when you can and have something you want to say, but you don't need to be seen as an assertive and chatty person. There are plenty of well respected, much loved people in the world, who are neither chatty nor assertive. That's normal.

2) Try to not overthink things, just stop yourself from doing it, and if you need to, occupy yourself with something else. Watching TV or read a book or whatever. I always thought overthinking was good and was in line with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, but according to my therapist it's not good. You can maybe have a brief thought, oh I should have done that differently or better, it's that kind of reflection that makes us better people I suppose, but once you have thought that, just drop it.

3) After you think about what you've done and thinking *briefly* how you might have done it better, you really need to be positive to yourself. People with our problem have a tendancy to analyze themselves too negatively, and I didn't even realise that I did this until I started seeing my psychiatrist. I thought I was being realistic... but she showed me that I wasn't. So when you go to a party and you come away and start thinking, "Hmm I didn't really say very much and I was a bit shy around that girl" etc... what you SHOULD be saying to yourself is, "WOOHOO!!! I WENT TO A PARTY!!!" You HAVE to congratulate yourself for doing good things, and this is extremely important! The problem is that we analyse ourselves negatively but we forget to do it positively too, and you have to do both, otherwise you are being cruel to yourself. You really have to look at what you have done, and for at LEAST as much time as you spend thinking about what you might have improved, you need to spend the same or more thinking about how well you did and how good you are for going through all that and succeeding. And you have to mean it... Don't just think yeah yeah, I went out, blah blah, big deal. You really have to appreciate what you did.


In fact, that was the first thing that came to my mind when I started reading your post. It was predictable, because you start with, "I recently started college and its probably been the best decision i've ever made" and then you predictably went all negative.. That is TYPICAL social anxiety. The most important part of that whole thing you typed is that first sentence You went to college and it was a great decision. You are actually DOING what most people with social anxiety want/need to be doing. You really need to think about that for a while and be proud of yourself, and don't forget it in the future. It's not easy for people with our problem to do stuff like that, so you deserve extra credit for it. And when you go to social situations, remember this when you get back. The chances are, in reality, you did great! But your mind wants to try to analyse it negatively. You need to break that cycle and instead, congratulate yourself for going out and doing stuff. You are doing what you need to do and that is great.

[relyt]

Great advice.

I can give an example of appreciating the positive aspects of your life. Yesterday after surfing I was changing by my car and a beautiful woman was walking by. It was one of those awkward situations where we made eye contact and it was apparent that someone should say something. Well she spoke up first and asked how the surf was. All I was able to say back was, "Bad". My first thought: "Was that all you could say. Good job, another blown opportunity". But since I've been practicing changing my thought patterns to positive ones I countered those negative thoughts with: "Wow, that beautiful girl talked to me." And "Even though my answer was short it was confident". After those thoughts it dawned on me that the girl might have been a little unsure of what to say too. Sooo, maybe next time an opporunity like this pokes its head up I will be ready with positive thoughts right away and better prepared to engage socially. Sorry, if this is off topic, but what Pixies mentioned is in line with my treatment and I got a little excited, lol.

[pixies]

Originally Posted by relyt

Great advice.

I can give an example of appreciating the positive aspects of your life. Yesterday after surfing I was changing by my car and a beautiful woman was walking by. It was one of those awkward situations where we made eye contact and it was apparent that someone should say something. Well she spoke up first and asked how the surf was. All I was able to say back was, "Bad". My first thought: "Was that all you could say. Good job, another blown opportunity". But since I've been practicing changing my thought patterns to positive ones I countered those negative thoughts with: "Wow, that beautiful girl talked to me." And "Even though my answer was short it was confident". After those thoughts it dawned on me that the girl might have been a little unsure of what to say too. Sooo, maybe next time an opporunity like this pokes its head up I will be ready with positive thoughts right away and better prepared to engage socially. Sorry, if this is off topic, but what Pixies mentioned is in line with my treatment and I got a little excited, lol.

That was about as good an example as it gets