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Old 12-24-2010, 10:46 PM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Default Hiding your true feelings for someone you are attracted to

Hello-

Not sure what the reasons are for not wanting a girl or guy you are really interested in to know that you have feelings for them, can someone possibly explain why someone with SA would go out of their way to hide it?

What negative thoughts go through your mind when you think she may know how you feel and why not ''show'' her/him you care if you can not verbally express it?



Thanks so much
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Old 12-24-2010, 11:12 PM   #2 (permalink)
 
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Well for one, putting yourself out there, and getting rejected and embarassed. People can be genuinely scared of that. It may happen only once or twice and it can scar someone for life. This can cause a lack of self confidence in yourself to express your true feelings towards another person. This can also leave with someone not wanting to show their feelings for someone who may hurt them.
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Old 12-24-2010, 11:21 PM   #3 (permalink)
 
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Thank you for your response.


I just can't imagine having such a serious crush on someone (to the point where you are driving by their house) but never being able to express it either with words or actions!

So if she finds out, whats the worst thing she can say..no? What if she figures it out by your behavior towards her? And don't you care if she feels the same way??? Wouldn't you be dying to know?

Could it be you feel you are losing the power over her..or the situation possibly?

Especially if the person is showing me how they feel, giving off the ''signs'' of interest, giving them attention, being nice to them, doing special things for the person, etc..i'd have to know.
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Old 12-24-2010, 11:51 PM   #4 (permalink)
 
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Is this situation happening with you or someone for you?

If you don't know how to mentally deal with rejection, that 'no' can cause mental anguish. You care what she thinks and you believe in your mind that she feels the same way, but you can't admit to it, and so you don't as to not get emotionally hurt. Truthfully you rather play it safe and not try... unfortunately limiting yourself. It has nothing to do with power, because if you were confident enough to tell the person how you feel you would have the power of confidence to express your emotions.
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Old 12-25-2010, 04:47 AM   #5 (permalink)
 
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This is my story...


What is it when a man is ONLY scared to be around one girl, he can talk to everyone else comfortably in the room/building (including attractive women) talk, laugh, be silly, etc. but when he gets around this ONE girl he becomes, jittery, extremely anxious, can't look at her (unless its from across a room which he always does) and looks completely frightened and looks like he has tunnel vision when i get close to him physically. Deer in head lights type of thing!

But yet he will make sure he is in the office or cafeteria at lunch time when i am in there (we work at a school we are both adults) he won't eat or order food..he just stands acrosss the room directly in front of me (feet away) talking to whomever walks by but looking at me the entire time until i am done or he can't do it anymore.

But yet he always stares when i walk away (i have been told he checks me out when i walk) i can feel his eyes on me when i walk by him...or if he sees me talking to someone else he always stares.

I also caught him looking at me intensely through a window once..like he was in a trance or something when i was in the parking lot with a parent talking and when i looked up and saw him..he literally jumped and practically ran away!!!!!!!LOL!!!!! This has gone on for a very long time..its as if he wants something but then just can't bring himself to get it.

He has even been caught driving by my house (by me) as well, in my car pulling out of my driveway 3 weeks ago--and was mortified when we got back to work on Monday. I DID say hello to him bcuz he wouldn't even look at me the next morning when we were back at work after i caught him doing the drive-by! I wanted him to know that i was ok with it and that he didn't have to worry.

I also want to add he has had issues in the past with eating in front of me, wearing his glasses--this i has improved greatly though and when i have asked him in the past if he's feeling ok (bcuz i do care about him a lot) he'll always say he is ''perfectly fine'' BUT will make sure the very next day he shows me how ''ok'' he really is..laughing with coworkers, joking around..loudly, right in front of me as to say..look at me I'M FINE!!!!

Bcuz i do care and i am interested i have even baked cookies for him-twice, givin him Christmas & Valentines cards, also gave him my email address and cell phone number--which he never uses..but in both instances seemed happy to have them?!? I don't know what to think???

He does do the ''hiding'' voident thing with me sometimes but then makes sure he comes around to say ''hello'' to me and initiate some kind of interaction that way later in the day or sometimes the next day ESPECIALLY IF I GET DISTANT WITH HIM he will make sure he plants himself somewhere he knows i will be to say ''good morning'' or ''hello'' its a roller coaster ride and i just don't know anymore what to do!!!

I could see if he did this with other women but he doesn't. I have worked with him for years and i have never seen hum act like this with any other coworker before!!! He actually seems very calm and at ease with everyone else--even the really attractive school teachers in the building--so why me?I'm just a Preschool teacher.

He's maentenance/custodial by the way and i run the Daycare.


What do you think? Thank you for reading.
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Old 12-25-2010, 05:07 AM   #6 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by InLoveWithaShyGuy View Post
This is my story...


What is it when a man is ONLY scared to be around one girl, he can talk to everyone else comfortably in the room/building (including attractive women) talk, laugh, be silly, etc. but when he gets around this ONE girl he becomes, jittery, extremely anxious, can't look at her (unless its from across a room which he always does) and looks completely frightened and looks like he has tunnel vision when i get close to him physically. Deer in head lights type of thing!

But yet he will make sure he is in the office or cafeteria at lunch time when i am in there (we work at a school we are both adults) he won't eat or order food..he just stands acrosss the room directly in front of me (feet away) talking to whomever walks by but looking at me the entire time until i am done or he can't do it anymore.

But yet he always stares when i walk away (i have been told he checks me out when i walk) i can feel his eyes on me when i walk by him...or if he sees me talking to someone else he always stares.

I also caught him looking at me intensely through a window once..like he was in a trance or something when i was in the parking lot with a parent talking and when i looked up and saw him..he literally jumped and practically ran away!!!!!!!LOL!!!!! This has gone on for a very long time..its as if he wants something but then just can't bring himself to get it.

He has even been caught driving by my house (by me) as well, in my car pulling out of my driveway 3 weeks ago--and was mortified when we got back to work on Monday. I DID say hello to him bcuz he wouldn't even look at me the next morning when we were back at work after i caught him doing the drive-by! I wanted him to know that i was ok with it and that he didn't have to worry.

I also want to add he has had issues in the past with eating in front of me, wearing his glasses--this i has improved greatly though and when i have asked him in the past if he's feeling ok (bcuz i do care about him a lot) he'll always say he is ''perfectly fine'' BUT will make sure the very next day he shows me how ''ok'' he really is..laughing with coworkers, joking around..loudly, right in front of me as to say..look at me I'M FINE!!!!

Bcuz i do care and i am interested i have even baked cookies for him-twice, givin him Christmas & Valentines cards, also gave him my email address and cell phone number--which he never uses..but in both instances seemed happy to have them?!? I don't know what to think???

He does do the ''hiding'' voident thing with me sometimes but then makes sure he comes around to say ''hello'' to me and initiate some kind of interaction that way later in the day or sometimes the next day ESPECIALLY IF I GET DISTANT WITH HIM he will make sure he plants himself somewhere he knows i will be to say ''good morning'' or ''hello'' its a roller coaster ride and i just don't know anymore what to do!!!

I could see if he did this with other women but he doesn't. I have worked with him for years and i have never seen hum act like this with any other coworker before!!! He actually seems very calm and at ease with everyone else--even the really attractive school teachers in the building--so why me?I'm just a Preschool teacher.

He's maentenance/custodial by the way and i run the Daycare.


What do you think? Thank you for reading.
I think he might feel something like this when he see's you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvfcN8Jvz60
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Old 12-25-2010, 08:42 AM   #7 (permalink)
 
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There's a woman I had a crush on for a long time. I'll never show or tell about how I feel about her. There's the point that she has a boyfriend, but even if she didn't, I still wouldn't reveal my feelings. I tried to think about others, move on, but I can't get her out of my head. When I close my eyes, all I see is her face.

I dunno, in some way, I think she feels the same way about me. Sometimes we catch each other looking at each other. Even when I try, there's are moments I can't resist staring at her. However, I'd like to believe I'm just imagining things because she has a boyfriend after all. That's why it's so frustrating I can't move on, I only want her.

But in your case, why don't you go up to him and tell him how you feel if you noticed? Baking cookies and cards isn't enough for a signal! :P
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Old 12-25-2010, 10:51 AM   #8 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by InLoveWithaShyGuy View Post
I just can't imagine having such a serious crush on someone (to the point where you are driving by their house) but never being able to express it either with words or actions!

So if she finds out, whats the worst thing she can say..no? What if she figures it out by your behavior towards her? And don't you care if she feels the same way??? Wouldn't you be dying to know?
The worst thing that she could say? I've lost a lot of friends to this actually, I grow attached and if I do summon the courage to say I have feelings, their response is "I don't think I can be your friend anymore".

Some people can't stand to think a friend would want them as more than a friend. So what's worst than rejection? I suppose losing a friend. It does occasionally happen, perhaps its even happened to this person you mentioned and he's afraid if he told you how he felt you'd just avoid him for having heard him say it.
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Old 12-25-2010, 02:15 PM   #9 (permalink)
 
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No its not that..we are not friendly in that way..he is too anxious, self conscious and very nervous around me to ever be my friend. I wish we could, i've tried..his fear is too paralyzing.

I know its not about losing my friendship..he does like my attention though.

If i get frusrtrated with him (the situation can get very frustrating at times) and start to become distant..he will notice immediatley when my behavior changes in the slightest towrds him and come around me even more, say hello first, hang out where ever i am so not to lose that ''connection'' or my attention.
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Old 12-25-2010, 02:19 PM   #10 (permalink)
 
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This is one of the worst things about SA (or just plain shyness).

I was working at a place a few years ago and had actually gotten pretty comfortable there. I wasn't dating people or flirting or anything. I was just relatively comfortable with the people and surroundings. One day, one of my friends just tells me one of the girls that works there likes me. I was really pretty surprised because I had no clue.

I didn't know how to respond to that so I just didn't. And then later, I got to wondering how much she liked me. You know? I mean was it just a little? Did she put him up to telling me that to see what my reaction would be? Did she like me a lot? Would she be hurt that I didn't respond?

So anyway, that lead to a lot of awkward moments at work. Here was this nice girl that I probably would have chosen for myself if I'd been bold enough to do it but I'd never really noticed her because I knew it was useless and all of the females I worked with were just my coworkers (That was how I managed to deal with them without getting really nervous). Once I started thinking about her and the possibilities, I was a complete fool around her. I tried to just behave normally but I'm sure the change in my behavior was perceptible. And of course, I really would have preferred to have never known in the end.

And then I got to wondering if maybe she was just as shy as I was and what she was thinking. Or maybe she just thought I was an idiot.
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Old 12-25-2010, 06:36 PM   #11 (permalink)
 
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I hate rejection. And my self esteem also isn't the best, so I'm convinced that if I let out even the smallest indication that I like somebody then they will end up making fun of me and rejecting me. And if they are the first to confess, I end up saying no because I keep thinking "What if he doesn't mean it" or "what if he get over it soon?" There is also the constant nagging thought " There are so many pretty girls out there, why would he choose me?" So, in order to avoid future pain that comes with relationships, I avoid the situation altogether. Then I continue in my cycle of self hatred for letting the chance pass me by.
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Old 12-25-2010, 06:45 PM   #12 (permalink)
 
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But don't you see it gets you NO WHERE and you are still in pain. alone and unhappy?

How is this better then taking a chance
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Old 12-25-2010, 06:55 PM   #13 (permalink)
 
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^It's not, but this is how I always react.
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Old 12-25-2010, 07:11 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Twisted Muffin View Post
I hate rejection. And my self esteem also isn't the best, so I'm convinced that if I let out even the smallest indication that I like somebody then they will end up making fun of me and rejecting me.
I know you heard this milions of times but I think there is some truth to the statement that it's better to try, fail and even be rejected than to not try at all. And many times you will be surprised that you won't be rejected. That's been my experience, anyway. Most people are like this to some extent, except people with SAD tend to be a lot more sensitive to rejection, I think.
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Old 12-25-2010, 07:17 PM   #15 (permalink)
 
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Anything that could go right can also go wrong. He has no control over his fear, unfortunately. For me, the reason why I hide ANY sort of signals and just act like I'm not there and just stare into the blank abyss, frozen, is so I wouldn't have to get in contact, because if I did, there would be a chance that I messed something up, and the said person would immediately write my mistake on this tiny list in their head, never to be forgiven, just added to my image of unacceptable imperfection, for an eternity, flawed and irrepairable.

To phrase it normally, I'm afraid of making mistakes because I think people would label me based on them, and even if they had found me attractive before, I'm certain they would not after that. So it's just easier not to make any mistakes at all. Not to have any chances of making mistakes.

..that's my reason anyways. Usually it's similar - if they did any move based on these emotions, they would just be rejected and your current supposed kindness would go away and he would lose you. Who would want THAT to happen?

So yes, it is quite certain that he is -interested- in you, but he doesn't know what to do about it. And really, you are at the same workplace - it's highly possible that he might not want to start an "affair" with someone at work.

Oh, and one more thing: Just because YOU think those -other- teachers are attractive, does not mean that HE doesn't find YOU attractive. :P I've seen so many people whom other people found attractive! I always like the one they don't. So, you may never know.

..edit, and another thing: He might be happy to have your contact info, but he doesn't know what to send you, he doesn't know what to say or write. So he just has it but can't really use it for anything. That's how it would go for me, I got numbers before that I didn't know what to use for. :P
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Old 12-25-2010, 07:53 PM   #16 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by InLoveWithaShyGuy View Post
But don't you see it gets you NO WHERE and you are still in pain. alone and unhappy?

How is this better then taking a chance
thats SAD in a nutshell
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Old 12-25-2010, 08:03 PM   #17 (permalink)
 
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thats SAD in a nutshell
The answer: At least it won't get worse.
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Old 12-25-2010, 08:08 PM   #18 (permalink)
 
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Rejection sucks

Yep that's about it for me. I think I'd rather live with the pain of not knowing, then live with the pain of knowing I was not good enough for some reason.
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Old 12-25-2010, 09:26 PM   #19 (permalink)
 
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Even people without an anxiety disorder get anxious when expressing their feelings; its much harder for people who do.

As for showing how you feel if you can't say it, it's the same problem: even thinking about doing something that would "give it away" causes anxiety. Fear of rejection, fear of humiliation, fear of making a mistake; a lot of fears, all of which can be crippling.

If they don't come around you're probably going to need to start the conversation yourself. Not the ideal, but that's just the reality of liking someone with SA: they're going to need your help to be comfortable enough to push through those fears.
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Old 12-26-2010, 08:21 PM   #20 (permalink)
 
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I think he's so paralyzed with fear that the idea of ever emailing or texting me would give him a heart attack. No exxageration there either


Both times i asked him for his info (for work purposes first his email, then cell number) i never said it was for work right away..i just asked him for his email/cell number and he looked at me like he was going to pass out (he looked like he stopped breathing for a bit and then seemed almost relieved when i said i needed his WORK INFO bcuz my Supervisor suggested i have it for emergency purposes..he was fine with that surprisingly.

He gave it to me immediately..even though he did ask whhhhhhy i wanted it in a funny, nervous way. Bcuz of his reaction i assumed he didn't want me to have it afterall but he did give it to me after i asked (walked down to my classroom to give it to me 5 min later) then the next few days AFTER i got the info from him he seemed oddly happy and in a good mood around me - very difficult to figure out i must say....from relief to happiness?

I actually did email him once at work to pass along info i knew he needed and instead of responding with an email he responded IN PERSON!!!!!!!!!

He was so scared i remember, he had this look on his face like he thought i'd be mad or something? So much fear!!!! I was the one who initiated the email thing......and then months later the texting thing--which was right AFTER he drove down my street (passed my home) when he got caught by me pulling out of my driveway


I don't know. His behaviors are so extreme. I just wish i knew what to do. He is always so intense around me but yet can easily talk/text other people with no issue.



So confusing!!!!!!!!
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