Have you ever felt that you don't exist?
Have you ever felt like you didn't exist? I am not referring to physical existence but existence on the level of actually being a "person" with a unique personality, relationships, friends, family, etc.
Sometimes I feel as if I am not an actual "person". Inside I am empty and I don't have much of an ego anymore. I am in a constant state of repressing my desires, needs, and wants because I don't feel that I am actual person. It feels as if I only exist to eat, sleep and perform other functions that are necessary for survival. Occasionally I use my imagination to build my own fantasy where I can shield myself from the cruel world.
I spend most of my time being an observer in life rather than a participant. Friends, relationships, ambitions, and goals are not factors in my life. These factors are not apart of my reality and I see them as only being factors that I can observe in others.
I get my ideal of what it means to be an actual person from others. When I compare myself to others I see drastic differences so I am left to question who am I exactly?
My life seems so meaningless at times. I feel no need to participate in this civilized society. My whole thought process is different from other individuals and no one can relate to me. Sometimes I fear that others will hate me for being different so I try to hide away as much as possible.
I do have my likes and dislikes. One of the things I like doing very much is being outside and looking at the sky, trees, people, and cars. At times I become so fixated on these things that it reminds me of just how far away my mind is in relation to the minds of other individuals. But I can't deny some of the things I enjoy because it is what makes me who I am. When I look back on my life I see the faces of people, images of buildings, trees, and skies because those are the only things that were important to me. It seems as if the majority of existence has been about my ability to simply percieve the world around me through seeing, hearing, tasting, and feeling. Outside of those basic perceptions I have nothing and at times that can make me severely depressed.
Can anyone relate?