Social Anxiety Support

sonne1234 · 11-02-2009, 10:13 PM

I guess you can say I'm at a crossroads here. I've had SAD since 5th grade. Maybe sooner. It got REALLY bad in sixth grade ... to the point where I fought to get out of school every day.
That was a long time ago. I'm 30 now. I still have this illness, but I think I've found a kind of peace with it. I only leave my house when I absolutely have to. Social enviornments make me nervous, grocery stores, walmart, anywhere where there's a lot of people I don't know. I CAN go in some public places (airports and fllying are out of the question, however), but I choose not to. I don't like public places, really. I like quiet, intimate enviornments, always have, but I'm not sure if it's because of SAD, or just a personal preference. I never liked big dances, or parties with a bunch of drunk people; I'd RATHER be alone, or with just a few people I know well.
Some of my SAD ... I think some of it came from a lot of being bullied in and out of school. I've ALWAYS been quiet, and because of it I think it made me a lot worse. I've heard everything from loser to mistake in the gene pool (no exaggeration). Of course I'm afraid to hear stuff like that from anyone new, (nobody ever gave me a reason to trust anyone), YET, I heard someone tell me once: The way I take things from others and how I feel is 100% my reseponsibility. I believe that's true, but is it possible to have heard it soo many times from so many people, that it literally, screws up your soul/mind process? Or is that like saying it's my fault that I'm the way I am and I'm the reason people treat me this way?
There was a book discussion on Oprah that steamed me. They talked about how what you reap is what you sew. What you give out, you get back. That we teach people how to treat us. I thought it was a bunch of lies. I never wanted to be treated the way I was. I never wanted to go through all those bouts of anger and depression. I never tried to hurt anyone, and now they're saying it's MY fault? That really upset me. I know people who fight and start trouble and they're way more accepted than I am. It really doesn't seem like karma is doing its job correctly. Or maybe it's just all circumstance?
I hear it over and over: confidence, confidence, confidence. That nobody is anything without it. That if you don't have it, you are worthless. I read the definition tonight online. It's everything I'm not, yet I'm not depressed, or angry, or anything but anxietic. I don't know what I am. I don't know if I'm confident or not, really. I'm shy. I don't look most people in the eye. I keep my head down usually and my hands in my pockets. Still, I don't feel bad ... unless I go out in public. I'm afraid of past times becoming present times. Those bad experinces coming back again (in the form of people). I'll admit, I live in a huge security blanket: my house. I'm safe here and nobody can hurt me. Then again, I hear that little voice in my head that says: you're unconfident. You're taking the easy way out of life. You're not being a man and living.
I want to be confident, but I want to be myself, as well. Am I not myself because I may not be confident? Am I taking the easy path from life? Am I completely responsible for the way I absorbed and processed people's insults in the past?
There seems to be no answer, just a bunch of dualistic thoughts and emotions. I'm not going crazy, mind you, or angry or depressed. Just trying to figure myself out.
I know it's an illness that cann't be cured... if it could be, would I want it gone? Because maybe if it went away, I woouldn't be myself --me--any longer. Perhaps, furthermore, I'm just institutionalized by it. Who knows? Either way, I'm used to it. It's part of me and a fact of life.
I have come to love myself despite the illness. I embrace it before I'd embrace those who tore me down because of it. Illnesses attack anybody, weak and strong, rich and poor, young or old ... but society will beat you down just to hold itself up high.
For everyone who feels like this, just remember that in only the blackest of places is the whitest of light. We never asked for this, we just have to try and deal with it. Maybe we can love ourselves and be happy without being confident. Confidence if overrated anyway.
And maybe by writing this, perhaps I helped somebody else like me out. It's ironic that there are those on the opposite end of the spectrum--people who are so sure of themselves and arrogant and outgoing and bold that they don't see their problems.
I think ours is just more subtle, not as well-known.
Either way, like it or not, we're all somehow connected.

secretlyshecries · 11-03-2009, 05:20 AM

Quote:

The way I take things from others and how I feel is 100% my reseponsibility.

Reminds me of a saying; Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

11-02-2009, 10:13 PM	#1 (permalink)
sonne1234 Status: SAS Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 79	Figuring out the truths of SAD I guess you can say I'm at a crossroads here. I've had SAD since 5th grade. Maybe sooner. It got REALLY bad in sixth grade ... to the point where I fought to get out of school every day. That was a long time ago. I'm 30 now. I still have this illness, but I think I've found a kind of peace with it. I only leave my house when I absolutely have to. Social enviornments make me nervous, grocery stores, walmart, anywhere where there's a lot of people I don't know. I CAN go in some public places (airports and fllying are out of the question, however), but I choose not to. I don't like public places, really. I like quiet, intimate enviornments, always have, but I'm not sure if it's because of SAD, or just a personal preference. I never liked big dances, or parties with a bunch of drunk people; I'd RATHER be alone, or with just a few people I know well. Some of my SAD ... I think some of it came from a lot of being bullied in and out of school. I've ALWAYS been quiet, and because of it I think it made me a lot worse. I've heard everything from loser to mistake in the gene pool (no exaggeration). Of course I'm afraid to hear stuff like that from anyone new, (nobody ever gave me a reason to trust anyone), YET, I heard someone tell me once: The way I take things from others and how I feel is 100% my reseponsibility. I believe that's true, but is it possible to have heard it soo many times from so many people, that it literally, screws up your soul/mind process? Or is that like saying it's my fault that I'm the way I am and I'm the reason people treat me this way? There was a book discussion on Oprah that steamed me. They talked about how what you reap is what you sew. What you give out, you get back. That we teach people how to treat us. I thought it was a bunch of lies. I never wanted to be treated the way I was. I never wanted to go through all those bouts of anger and depression. I never tried to hurt anyone, and now they're saying it's MY fault? That really upset me. I know people who fight and start trouble and they're way more accepted than I am. It really doesn't seem like karma is doing its job correctly. Or maybe it's just all circumstance? I hear it over and over: confidence, confidence, confidence. That nobody is anything without it. That if you don't have it, you are worthless. I read the definition tonight online. It's everything I'm not, yet I'm not depressed, or angry, or anything but anxietic. I don't know what I am. I don't know if I'm confident or not, really. I'm shy. I don't look most people in the eye. I keep my head down usually and my hands in my pockets. Still, I don't feel bad ... unless I go out in public. I'm afraid of past times becoming present times. Those bad experinces coming back again (in the form of people). I'll admit, I live in a huge security blanket: my house. I'm safe here and nobody can hurt me. Then again, I hear that little voice in my head that says: you're unconfident. You're taking the easy way out of life. You're not being a man and living. I want to be confident, but I want to be myself, as well. Am I not myself because I may not be confident? Am I taking the easy path from life? Am I completely responsible for the way I absorbed and processed people's insults in the past? There seems to be no answer, just a bunch of dualistic thoughts and emotions. I'm not going crazy, mind you, or angry or depressed. Just trying to figure myself out. I know it's an illness that cann't be cured... if it could be, would I want it gone? Because maybe if it went away, I woouldn't be myself --me--any longer. Perhaps, furthermore, I'm just institutionalized by it. Who knows? Either way, I'm used to it. It's part of me and a fact of life. I have come to love myself despite the illness. I embrace it before I'd embrace those who tore me down because of it. Illnesses attack anybody, weak and strong, rich and poor, young or old ... but society will beat you down just to hold itself up high. For everyone who feels like this, just remember that in only the blackest of places is the whitest of light. We never asked for this, we just have to try and deal with it. Maybe we can love ourselves and be happy without being confident. Confidence if overrated anyway. And maybe by writing this, perhaps I helped somebody else like me out. It's ironic that there are those on the opposite end of the spectrum--people who are so sure of themselves and arrogant and outgoing and bold that they don't see their problems. I think ours is just more subtle, not as well-known. Either way, like it or not, we're all somehow connected.