excluded at work - Social Anxiety Forum
X

Download the SAS Android App

Or switch to mobile version of the forums

X

Download the SAS iPhone App

Or switch to mobile version of the forums

Help/FAQLog InJoin SAS
Go Back   Social Anxiety Forum > Recovery > Coping With Social Anxiety

Reply
Old 07-28-2013, 04:36 PM   #1 (permalink)
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2



Unhappy excluded at work

I don't know if I have an official diagnosis of SAD, but I do know that I keep running into the same problem everytime I start a new job. Everyone is nice to me at first, but soon after, I am basically excluded from any friendly conversations. No one ever takes any interest in me or asks me anything about myself. When I try to join in a conversation, I am often given an angry look that seems to say that I am not welcome to join in the conversation. They might let me finish my sentence, but then they ignore me and continue talking to the other person.

I try to smile and be friendly to everyone I meet. I try to take an interest in each person to get to know them, but they show no interest in me or my life. I feel like I'm in middle school or high school all over again. I know I shouldn't care what they think and I should just do my job and stop trying to gain their acceptance, but it is such a painful feeling. I can't figure out why this keeps happening to me. I like my job (I work in a medical practice) and working with patients, but it hurts to be left out and to feel that they don't like me.
suzyQ555 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-28-2013, 05:03 PM   #2 (permalink)
 
moloko's Avatar
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: t-rex country
Posts: 1,349



Default

People are strange... :\ Without knowing you in person, it's hard to understand why that happens.
moloko is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-28-2013, 08:05 PM   #3 (permalink)
 
Status: SAS member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Virginia
Gender: Female
Age: 20
Posts: 3,353



Default

What do you think might have caused them to exclude you?
__________________
Know and believe in yourself, and what others think won't disturb you (William Feather)

The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly (John 10:10)

“What makes us the most normal," said Reiko, "is knowing that we're not normal.”
― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

fire mage64 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-28-2013, 09:49 PM   #4 (permalink)
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Midwest
Gender: Female
Posts: 142



Default

I understand how you feel! It happened to me about a year ago People would always go out for happy hour after work ( they would always invite me) and one day they stopped inviting me I wasn't quite sure if it was true or not until someone mentioned it to someone about happy hour and they were whispering ( they didn't think I could hear them) and then I knew I was no longer being invited to happy hour anymore. I am not sure what happened and I guess I'll never know. I couldn't of said hey why don't you guys invite me anymore ( I am too shy of course) I just let it go....... A normal person would of brought it up but meek shy little me just let it go
littlemissbashful is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-29-2013, 03:44 AM   #5 (permalink)
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Ontario
Gender: Male
Posts: 39



Default

being quiet and not smiling seems to have this effect... I know from experience
Judge is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-29-2013, 06:37 PM   #6 (permalink)
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2



Default

But I do smile and I'm friendly. I just get treated as an outsider who they have no interest in getting to know.
suzyQ555 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-29-2013, 06:44 PM   #7 (permalink)
 
moloko's Avatar
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: t-rex country
Posts: 1,349



Default

Quote:
When I try to join in a conversation, I am often given an angry look that seems to say that I am not welcome to join in the conversation
Do you popped in and just tried to join an ongoing conversation or did it start when you three were all together doing the same thing? I'm just trying to understand the situation a little bit better, as it's just strange and hard to understand why they treat you that way.
moloko is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-29-2013, 08:23 PM   #8 (permalink)
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Midwest
Gender: Female
Posts: 142



Default

Do you think people might think you are stuck-up? I know people at work probably think I am stuck-up ( It's my theory anyways) I keep to myself and I do smile but I know how people think well she must me stuck-up she never talks she just keeps to herself. Perhaps they are thinking the same thing??
littlemissbashful is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-29-2013, 08:27 PM   #9 (permalink)
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Midwest
Gender: Female
Posts: 142



Default

Whoops I meant she must be stuck-up not must me stuck-up. It's hard having Social Anxiety and not knowing what the other people are thinking you know?
littlemissbashful is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-29-2013, 09:29 PM   #10 (permalink)
 
vanishingpt's Avatar
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Canada
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,599



Default

Based on what you've written, you sound fairly nice and approachable so it might just be something on their part rather than something you've done.

At the same time it's kind of hard to tell what the problem is since we're not there to see the reactions and behaviours in person. Maybe the group feels like a clique and they don't react so openly to new people right away? Maybe they're just mean people LOL.

I started doing some volunteer work at a firm and everyone had their own cubicles so it was kind of hard to get to know people... but there was a cluster of four desks in the middle for interns and they definitely gave off the clique vibe. They've all traveled together and giggle at gossip, and they kind of make it difficult for me to talk to them but oh well... just focus on doing your job well for now.
vanishingpt is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-29-2013, 11:29 PM   #11 (permalink)
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 25



Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by suzyQ555 View Post
I don't know if I have an official diagnosis of SAD, but I do know that I keep running into the same problem everytime I start a new job. Everyone is nice to me at first, but soon after, I am basically excluded from any friendly conversations. No one ever takes any interest in me or asks me anything about myself. When I try to join in a conversation, I am often given an angry look that seems to say that I am not welcome to join in the conversation. They might let me finish my sentence, but then they ignore me and continue talking to the other person.

I try to smile and be friendly to everyone I meet. I try to take an interest in each person to get to know them, but they show no interest in me or my life. I feel like I'm in middle school or high school all over again. I know I shouldn't care what they think and I should just do my job and stop trying to gain their acceptance, but it is such a painful feeling. I can't figure out why this keeps happening to me. I like my job (I work in a medical practice) and working with patients, but it hurts to be left out and to feel that they don't like me.
I started a new job and in the group I worked in there was already a sub-group of them that went to lunch each day. I joined them, but I notice any comments from my conversations were met with not agreeing with me. The other thing I noticed, is that I was generally happy through the day except when I had lunch with these people because of this and it seemed their conversations were mostly about complaining of things. Seems like the location we were at wasn't good enough for one of them, that another work location she was at had a much better cafeteria. I decided to hell with them, and next time I asked someone else to go to lunch with me in the company cafeteria and within a month or so there was a whole new group of people who went to lunch with us. It was great, the conversations were positive and even had a good laugh about things.

You have to find a better group if it's available.
edwardc is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-30-2013, 12:55 AM   #12 (permalink)
 
DRUGSAREnotGOOD's Avatar
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Osaka, Japan
Gender: Male
Posts: 592



Default

You got SAD. People hate people with SAD. You can try to hide it, but people will see through it.
DRUGSAREnotGOOD is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-30-2013, 01:22 AM   #13 (permalink)
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Heaven
Posts: 3,389



Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by edwardc View Post
I notice any comments from my conversations were met with not agreeing with me.

there was a whole new group of people who went to lunch with us. It was great, the conversations were positive and even had a good laugh about things.

You have to find a better group if it's available.
I tend to find this happens a lot where I try to contribute to a conversation but I find everyone seems to disagree with pretty much everything I say. I don't understand why.

We just need to find people to mix with that won't shame us.
__________________
When you feel vulnerable and your psychological defenses are failing the best defense mechanism is to be more trusting.
jimity is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-30-2013, 01:25 AM   #14 (permalink)
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Heaven
Posts: 3,389



Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by DRUGSAREnotGOOD View Post
You got SAD. People hate people with SAD. You can try to hide it, but people will see through it.
Especially if there is a group of people and everyone composed of the group is comfortable to be themselves and say what they want around each other and then a shy person tries to fit in the group but quickly finds themselves under heavy scrutiny by the most confident members. It's like they can see the lack of confidence and they pounce on the opportunity.
__________________
When you feel vulnerable and your psychological defenses are failing the best defense mechanism is to be more trusting.
jimity is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-30-2013, 07:10 AM   #15 (permalink)
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 330



Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jimity View Post
Especially if there is a group of people and everyone composed of the group is comfortable to be themselves and say what they want around each other and then a shy person tries to fit in the group but quickly finds themselves under heavy scrutiny by the most confident members. It's like they can see the lack of confidence and they pounce on the opportunity.
Exactly. At least i'm consistent. Most those "confident guys" in groups are not nearly as confident for self.

That's why i fear getting employed. It's like people from different enviroments than i (usually), usually a click formed early and stuff like that and here comes i (or we, with the SA..). It's so hard. It's like if you act confident people find ways to dislike you or get annoyed by you cuz they feel like you're pushy or like you're entering their territory too aggressively, then they kind of just deal with you by try to avoid you.

Might be them feeling insecure too, but it's like a competition.

Then if you don't say much you come off as too quiet or boring.
DarkmanX is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-30-2013, 08:30 AM   #16 (permalink)
 
MysteriousH's Avatar
 
Status: ♡
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Gender: Female
Age: 18
Posts: 254



Default

I'm sorry that you have to deal with that, I know it's not a good feeling at all.

Similar things kinda happened to me when I was working at my first job. I always made sure to say hi to everyone and smile at them, but I still felt like they didn't like me. I think they thought I was stuck up because I was so quiet, and that's not the case at all. Whenever I would try to make conversation it usually would end up being awkward but not all the time.

I always felt like I wasn't wanted there.

I hope it gets better for you!!
MysteriousH is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-30-2013, 09:46 AM   #17 (permalink)
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 50



Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by suzyQ555 View Post
I don't know if I have an official diagnosis of SAD, but I do know that I keep running into the same problem everytime I start a new job. Everyone is nice to me at first, but soon after, I am basically excluded from any friendly conversations. No one ever takes any interest in me or asks me anything about myself. When I try to join in a conversation, I am often given an angry look that seems to say that I am not welcome to join in the conversation. They might let me finish my sentence, but then they ignore me and continue talking to the other person.

I try to smile and be friendly to everyone I meet. I try to take an interest in each person to get to know them, but they show no interest in me or my life. I feel like I'm in middle school or high school all over again. I know I shouldn't care what they think and I should just do my job and stop trying to gain their acceptance, but it is such a painful feeling. I can't figure out why this keeps happening to me. I like my job (I work in a medical practice) and working with patients, but it hurts to be left out and to feel that they don't like me.
Hmmm, it's indeed kind of difficult to determine what is going on here without actually seeing you in action, so to speak.

Do you actually have something in common with these people, though??? The problem with coworkers of course is that you never picked these people yourself, contrary to your friends! Just because you do the same type of work doesn't mean you are also compatible in other ways. You do mention you always run into this problem at work (although "always" can sound more dramatic than it is. I mean how MANY times have you really had this problem before?) But if it does happen a lot, then it might be something else, although not sure what.

Are you very shy? Do you feel afraid of being judged? Do you like yourself? Do you worry about saying the wrong thing?

Smiling and being friendly is very good, but unfortunately it's not enough. The above things can turn people off, as sad as that may be, but insecurity reminds people of their OWN insecurities and can make them like you less. It's like people feel what YOU feel. So if you feel nervous, uncertain, afraid of being judged, that is how you will make OTHERS feel in your presence. And if you feel relaxed, not worried about saying something stupid, not caring what someone else thinks of you, then others start feeling the same way around YOU.

This may be hard to hear for people who do NOT feel relaxed around others, but it's the truth. I know it can suck big time, but it's just how it is. Think about how when you are around someone who is very excited, for example, that often rubs off on you, and you start to feel some of those same emotions. In contrast, when you are around someone who is incredibly boring and bored with life, YOU will start to feel that!

So maybe (and I stress the word maybe here!) there is some vibethat you are sending out that is turning them off. I hope not, and it could also just be that these people are not compatible with you at all, different interests, life philosophies etc.
Manuel is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Have you been excluded or put ''last''? Mustafa Frustration 8 09-08-2012 07:19 PM
being excluded derrickrose Coping With Social Anxiety 4 09-06-2012 10:04 AM
Have you ever been excluded from a group? bluebluesplayer Frustration 40 07-02-2011 01:18 PM
Being excluded crimsoncora Coping With Social Anxiety 10 04-10-2011 10:13 PM
excluded again biancala Frustration 3 06-03-2007 05:15 PM

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:38 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® ©2000-2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.