Originally Posted by michellejl
I am sorry about your experience with the therapist. I once went to a therapist when I was a teenager. I tried to explain to her about my SA (didn't know what it was at the time) and how not being able to make friends made me want to drop out and she said that is no reason to drop out. I have to force myself to go anyway so I can graduate. Then she moved on like there was nothing more to say on the topic.
It was the first time I tried to open up to someone about feeling like a loser because when you're a teenager this is a real source of shame. Apparently she thought I had bigger issues to worry about and had no clue how to help me. This one experience made me never want to open up to a therapist about SA again. But some therapists are definitely better than others as I found out later on!!
Nooo! Do not accept that you are ugly!! That is not going to help you. And you ask if having a big nose makes you ugly and unworthy and the answer is no. It is crazy you would even consider this. I understand that being picked on about your nose affects your self image, but it is not too late to undo this. I was in an abusive relationship for years, and the verbal abuse was much more damaging than the physical and I believed all the things he said to me. Some things he put me down for were physical things such as having a flat chest and that I was a fat pig. That I was undesirable and ugly and disgusting. It took years to undo this. Now I look at it that at least I don't have to worry about a guy staring at my chest instead of looking into my eyes. lol And I'm not even flat. And even though there is evidence of that lol I REALLY did believe it. It took a long time to accept that I was never going to have the curves some guys find attractive and honestly, now I am perfectly accepting of my breasts the way they are. If guys can't accept my body, they can go find someone else for all I care. lol I have confidence now. Sorry if this is too personal. lol Is there a picture of you anywhere on this site? My hunch is that you are not ugly, big nose or not.
I don't know why you found it hard to make friends, you are well nice and write amazing!
Its funny (well its not funny) how many people I read with bad experiences about therapists. They don't seem to have any idea and often are quite insensitive and making money for doing nothing. But then I also think 'Well how could they possibly help me overcome this when they have never experienced how I feel?'
Its interesting to hear your experiences of put downs and verbal abuse. It really does hurt so much and it brainwashes you if its repeated over a prolonged period of time. And it also shows how caught up in one's own perceived flaws one can get. I mean I have read on this and other forums about women being self conscious of being flat chested but really its not a problem, I don't believe men care at all about that, I mean fair enough some men prefer women with bigger breasts but men like all breasts haha. Sorry if that sounds silly but its true.
But if you are judged negatively for part of your body or teased about it, you do start thinking its a flaw and you believe people will judge you as inferior and you just become self conscious and develop a negative image about it.
The silly thing is that I am sure almost everyone has things they wish they could change in how they look. You see many people with what you may describe as 'flaws' such as people who are bald, people who are overweight, people with bad skin, people with bad teeth, short people, people with big noses, people with big ears, people who may just look very plain, etc. This is the daft thing, I seem to think I can only be judged negatively for my nose, yet most people have flaws and won't think badly of someone else's flaw because they know they have flaws too. But like its been said many times, you can only think and believe what evidence you have seen and I have seen so many shallow people and I have seen a lot of evidence to back up the saying 'Nice guys come last'.
You are right that accepting I am ugly is not going to be good for me. I just know that my beliefs and mindset must change in order to overcome this, but I don't see how I can believe anything positive about my nose. I recently walked past this photocopier room at work and as I walked past I just glanced in to the room just as I was almost past the room, and in the room was this girl I like who was looking out and she saw me side on. I was just so upset that she had seen me side on, I just felt she will be thinking I am so ugly and horrible because of my nose and probably wants to throw up and thinking I am so inferior to her. It took me about 3 days before I stopped feeling so bad about myself for this. I am always having to hide my nose, walking past windows, sat at my desk at work I am always trying to avoid people seeing me side on, even when I am driving and am in stationary traffic or at junctions. Its just always on my mind.
I have just had a look in the mirror again at my nose after I had washed and styled my hair and again I just think my nose isn't that bad at all, its a bit bigger than ideal but not massive at all, but that doesn't have any impact on my thinking because I just believe if anyone sees my nose they will absolutely slaughter me like so many different people have done in the past. I don't have any pics or a camera to take pictures with. I haven't had my photo taken for many a year, I always obsess that my nose looks big and hate anyone seeing my picture because of it. I just wish I knew the answer to beat this. I have spent days and days trying to change my beliefs but the fact is that around people I am always hiding my nose to protect myself from negative judgements. I think all the negative comments and how much I have dwelled on it and all the times I have been self conscious and hidden my nose, its just got out of control now. I don't know the reality any more.