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Old 03-06-2010, 05:57 AM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Default Does anyone else have SA because of 'ugly' comments...

I don't feel I can relate to a most people here. As I read people's posts I seem to think maybe I suffer something different to social anxiety because my anxiety is simply triggered by being self conscious being looked at after years of negative judgements on my appearance. I was called ugly many times, I had people pointing out my imperfections/flaws and ridiculing me or insulting me, I was the butt of jokes and made to feel like an ugly freak by people, I was always overlooked by girls. I just hate being looked at, I fear that when people look at me they will judge me as ugly and negatively.
I do now aim to look my best but the years of put downs, ridicule, name calling, etc has totally brainwashed me. I believe I am just totally inadequate and inferior for anyone to ever be romantically interested in me. I feel like when people look at me they will judge me negatively. I am so self conscious and it doesn't matter if I look in the mirror and think I look cool - I think like that most days because I aim to look my very best now - am in good shape, cool hair, nice clothes, nice eyes, good teeth, tall, etc.
On the other hand I have a lot of confidence in my personality and have no trouble making friends or what to say to people, but I get so anxious around people because I of how self conscious and anxious of being looked at in fear of being judged in these negative ways.
Does anyone else here have SA simply because of a fear of being judged as ugly and is so self conscious being looked at or people seeing imperfections in your appearance?
If so I'd love to hear (read) from you! I so want to overcome this, I have some interesting ideas to share if anyone wants to discuss it.
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Old 03-06-2010, 06:17 AM   #2 (permalink)
 
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When I was at school the class were asked to describe the shape of head each person had. Aparently my head is near a perfect square.


My nose is kinda big like the Greek mens noses in my family all are. A kid at secondary school used to call me Pinochio lol. My own dad thought my nose had broken playing rugby and someone had resett it badly.

What I am most concious about though by far are my facial expressions. I don't show my emotions well. A lot of snide things said about that. Vacant, dopey, Spaceman(looking spaced-out), in my own world. All sorts of stuff I thought at the time had bearing on my appearance as opposed to just awkwardness. Silly but I carried those memories as a flaw for six years, untill recently when I started cognitive therapy.

I think people could have been jealous of you man! Group dynamics o.O I studied this in phsychology breifly too. The strongest of the pack gets most stones tossed at it by other monkeys to assertain where they stand in the pack themselves. Happens a lot at school and the ones who do it have their own problems.
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Old 03-06-2010, 08:20 AM   #3 (permalink)
 
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Originally Posted by fredbloggs02 View Post
.....

I think people could have been jealous of you man! Group dynamics o.O I studied this in phsychology breifly too. The strongest of the pack gets most stones tossed at it by other monkeys to assertain where they stand in the pack themselves. Happens a lot at school and the ones who do it have their own problems.
A great way of describing it!
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Old 03-06-2010, 08:35 AM   #4 (permalink)
 
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Not really ugly comments but girls never really comment on my looks so it hurts my confidence. Even when they do I feel like they are faking it and don't really feel that way. I do get comments on being sweet and stuff though.
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Old 03-06-2010, 01:24 PM   #5 (permalink)
 
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Not really ugly comments but girls never really comment on my looks so it hurts my confidence. Even when they do I feel like they are faking it and don't really feel that way. I do get comments on being sweet and stuff though.

I get a lot of those "being sweet and stuff" comments too, but when it comes down to lets go out and halve a cup, or get layed, or something more serious I am avoided. I know self-confidance is a large part of it, but cummon world give me a break!!!!!!!
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Old 03-06-2010, 02:37 PM   #6 (permalink)
 
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That's a way that you can develop SA, so it's not really different than a fear of being judged which is a condition of SA. You get negative comments so your self esteem becomes low and before you know it, you're having anxiety from upcoming social interactions because you don't want to experience those negative comments again. Negative comments back in my teen years have definitely made my sa worse, but I don't feel like it affects me as much as it used to.
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Old 03-06-2010, 02:45 PM   #7 (permalink)
 
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Not really ugly comments but girls never really comment on my looks so it hurts my confidence. Even when they do I feel like they are faking it and don't really feel that way. I do get comments on being sweet and stuff though.
Wow, I don't even get those comments, in fact, I never get comments - don't know wether that's good or bad
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Old 03-06-2010, 04:54 PM   #8 (permalink)
 
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the whole ugly thing is one of the causes of my anxiety too. i was ridiculed for having acne all throughout middle school before i was lucky enough to get acutane to clear it up. i still feel like i have really bad skin and that everyone notices my scars. i was also called ugly a lot in elementary school D:
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Old 03-06-2010, 06:39 PM   #9 (permalink)
 
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Of all the nasty things that have been said to me, "You're ugly" seems to resonate the most. I don't think it caused my SA on its own, but it's a major factor. When I'm going into a situation that I know will make me socially anxious, I take pains to avoid mirrors.
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Old 03-06-2010, 07:02 PM   #10 (permalink)
 
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Of all the nasty things that have been said to me, "You're ugly" seems to resonate the most. I don't think it caused my SA on its own, but it's a major factor. When I'm going into a situation that I know will make me socially anxious, I take pains to avoid mirrors.
I'm ugly but I have to peek in the mirror quite often to check my hair. I have bad hair and I'm always paranoid that it looks like a mess. I wish I were a dude so I could just get a crew cut and not deal with this.
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Old 03-06-2010, 07:09 PM   #11 (permalink)
 
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I used to get the "ugly" comments in junior high school, which was hell for me.
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Old 03-06-2010, 07:10 PM   #12 (permalink)
 
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I'd say its a big part of it. I stood out a bit auburn hair, always taller than most others and built solidly I guess. Seemed I was always copping some kind of cruel joke, trick among others. Oh and the venerable 'what about him' jokes I heard told by girls in terms of interest just destroyed me time after time.

I guess in the end I felt I was lucky to be able to be alive in that school, but that's all my role was to just function.

Now I'm left with a problem of I struggle to find others attractive because I don't feel attractive myself. And If I did meet someone I felt attractive it wouldn't be fair because I'd have that part of the deal but they would either.

I can put a front on with people and play someone I'm not but at the end of the day I always feel on a crumbling cliff edge and avoid situations because of it daily.
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Old 03-06-2010, 07:29 PM   #13 (permalink)
 
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I'm ugly but I have to peek in the mirror quite often to check my hair. I have bad hair and I'm always paranoid that it looks like a mess. I wish I were a dude so I could just get a crew cut and not deal with this.
I have pretty bad hair, but I've stopped looking at it because I know there's nothing I can do to fix it!

I have shaved my head bald. Twice. I actually felt more confident and less ugly as a bald girl than I do with a normal female hairstyle. Maybe one day, go for the crew cut. You never know, it may look awesome.

I am taking this thread way off course, as usual.
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Old 03-06-2010, 10:16 PM   #14 (permalink)
 
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When I was really young, kids used to make fun of the way I looked. Everything from making fun of my weight, my awkwardness, and the fact that I looked like a little boy instead of a girl. I think I've improved somewhat since then, well except for the social awkwardness. Those memories of being teased still affect me to this day. It makes me so self-conscious around guys that I like. Deep down I still feel like I look like when I was young even though the mirror says otherwise.
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Old 03-06-2010, 10:20 PM   #15 (permalink)
 
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You described my problem to a tee. My SA is a direct result of teasing and negativity towards my appearance and it eventually mutated itself into a fear of any situation where my appearance may be judged and commented on in some way shape or form (which is why I struggle with club and outings and can not ever approach a girl because I will take any form of rejection as a direct attack on my appearance (as irrational as that may be)).

Even now I cannot handle compliments about my appearance, I automatically assume they are just being nice but deep down I really do want to believe they are genuine and they still do make me feel good, but I struggle with it so much.

So you are certainly not alone with this in the slightest.
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Old 03-06-2010, 10:36 PM   #16 (permalink)
 
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Yes, I was teased not only for the way I looked but really my entire self was ridiculed for one thing or another, I may have been able to pass it off as they were just dumb kids, but itís hard to come to that reasoning and it doesnít make it any easier when it also happens outside of the school grounds ( by adults) as well.
People may not have had that from external sources but people with social phobias bully themselves with name calling and taunting as well.
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Old 03-06-2010, 11:10 PM   #17 (permalink)
 
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I think it was a huge part in developing my SA. I was commented on my looks alot in when I was younger and was always the one who people picked out to tease. Now, even though I look much better than I did back then I'm still extermely self-concious. I feel as if people can just look at me and tell that I'm a sad person with no life, even if I really look as normal as possible. So it makes it hard for me to feel normal enough to interact with others without feeling as if I'm creeping them out or annoying them.
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Old 03-07-2010, 02:22 AM   #18 (permalink)
 
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You described my problem to a tee. My SA is a direct result of teasing and negativity towards my appearance and it eventually mutated itself into a fear of any situation where my appearance may be judged and commented on in some way shape or form (which is why I struggle with club and outings and can not ever approach a girl because I will take any form of rejection as a direct attack on my appearance (as irrational as that may be)).

Even now I cannot handle compliments about my appearance, I automatically assume they are just being nice but deep down I really do want to believe they are genuine and they still do make me feel good, but I struggle with it so much.

So you are certainly not alone with this in the slightest.
Wow, you sound like you suffer exactly like me. I hate any situation where eyes are on me, I feel so self conscious and so anxious. I just fear that when people are looking at me that they are basically looking directly at what my flaw is. I mean for some people here I have seen they are self conscious of people seeing their personality/social skills believing they'll be judged negatively so they remain quiet, that way they won't be judged negatively for things they say. But when the thing you are self conscious of (because you believe you will be judged negatively for) is how you look, you cannot hide it and so when people are looking at me it is like they are seeing my flaw directly - which makes me so self conscious and fearful.

And like you say you do then start fearing any situation where eyes are on you. Things like presentations/public speaking are the absolute worst - all eyes on me just cripples me with anxiety, I just cannot get my words out I am so anxious. I too am a nervous wreck around women I like or even being seen by women I like, it makes me so self conscious and anxious. There is this girl (woman) at work who I really, really like but I am so self conscious when she looks at me, I just fear she will think I am ugly and see me as inadequate, inferior, not good enough. I don't want her to think of me like that, I want her to like me or at least think I am adequate and equal. I am the exact same, I wouldn't dare ask any woman out because if she says no which I believe they would, I would take that as meaning they think I am ugly.

I am so desperate to overcome this problem. I have a lot of confidence in my intelligence and personality, but this problem totally restricts my life in terms of career and meeting people.

I do nowadays look my very best and that has been a very important first step for me, I do feel a lot better and positive about myself and would recommend that to anyone who can relate to my problem. However looking the best I can has done nothing to change my beliefs about how I believe people see me or fearing being judged negatively.

I believe the answer is about how sensitive and hurt we are by these negative judgements such as ugly or ridicule/put downs/negative judgements about our appearance or certain parts of our appearance. We are so self conscious to protect ourselves from such judgements. The fact is that anyone who judges us in these negative ways are just like the horrible, shallow, insensitive, cruel people of the past - they don't like us, they couldn't be interested in us, but we don't like them either - so why place importance on what they think? Why let these sort of people make us feel like this and hold us back so much? Well quite clearly it is because we cannot handle people seeing us in those negative ways, we won't accept it or allow it - we want to be seen as good enough.
I think we need to allow and accept people to judge us negatively if that is how they think but to not be hurt by it but to understand it. It only hurts us because we see it as hurtful and interpret it as hurtful. If we could see it in a different way whereby we can accept and understand that a % of people may well judge us negatively and to be able to brush that off and see it as being a part of life for everyone - that we all place different levels of importance on different things - personality, looks, intelligence - for someone who is very looks orientated we need to understand that they are critical of looks and accept and allow them to think that way just like how I am allowed to think the way about people I am attracted to. Of course not everyone will like how I look and I know there are a lot of people who are shallow and critical, I have experienced a lot of them. But I am not interested in such people.
We have got to stop protecting ourselves from such judgements but to allow such judgements and not be hurt by them. Obviously it needs a lot more work and understanding than what I have written here but I feel this is the right approach?
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Old 03-07-2010, 02:31 AM   #19 (permalink)
 
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That is exactly how I feel too


75% of the time I feel people are judging me and if someone
does smile (which is hardly ever) I know it must be out of pity.
That is partly why I don't go out the house much coz
I feel like I'm a member of a freak show and the rest of the world
is the audience gawping at me.

It hurts that guys treat me as something to be ignored.
Having got negative comments in the past I'm convinced
that all guys are going to see me as something unworthy
and it makes me feel worthless that I'm not good enough
for anyone. I've been on my own for so long I'm sort of used
to it but deep down I still long to be loved by someone.
I wish i didn't have needs like that but I do.
I guess that just means I'm human after all and not the
abnormal freak that I often feel like.

I think getting bullied in school added to my SA aswell.
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Old 03-07-2010, 07:27 AM   #20 (permalink)
 
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I'm not sure that being self-conscious about your appearance can be the sole cause of a person's SA, but I know it can definitely contribute to it! In 8th grade, I got the chicken pox for the first time. I had never had the vaccine either, so I was really sick. When I finally got better, I was left with nearly a dozen pockmark scars on my face, and they didn't respond to scar cream, except to make them lighter and more noticeable.

For about two years, I wouldn't leave the house without a thick layer of foundation and concealer on, which still didn't cover the marks. Finally, I guess I just got sick of my face being so high maitenance! I still feel self-conscious about the scars sometimes, as well as about the deep, premature wrimkles under my eyes. But my face is what it is, and a few marks aren't going to stop me from living my life!
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