Social Anxiety Support

ShortestRaymond · 12-17-2008, 05:33 AM

I saw this article today about how younger people are abandoning dating as a form of socialising and are more likely to 'hook up' with someone in their friendship circle. It seemed to ring true with what I've observed in my own life.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/13/op...13blow.html?em

Among the reasons given for this trend are people losing the ability to arrange future plans and actually ask someone out.

I thought it was interesting from the perspective of implications for people with social anxiety. On the one hand, asking someone out and going on a date is a really high-pressure anxiety-provoking situation and if dating is the norm it's stressful for someone with SA. On the other hand, if hooking up is the norm, it means your ability to gain sexual experience and eventually form a relationship is really dependent on having a social network.

What do you think is preferable? The article was viewing the trend as negative but I'm not sure.

thedaythatnevercomes · 12-17-2008, 06:38 AM

I think either is better than nothing which is where I am but Id rather date for sure if given a choice

slylikeafox · 12-17-2008, 06:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thedaythatnevercomes

I think either is better than nothing which is where I am but Id rather date for sure if given a choice

Same here

fortysixand2 · 12-17-2008, 07:24 AM

Nice read. I don't date to be honest with you. For one it's uncomfortably "official" for lack of a better word... but I just don't see how it counts. I wonder if someone will know me if I give them a brief 5 or 10 minute description about me and my life? It's not exactly depressing, nor exactly heroic, nor exactly boring, but I just don't feel like they will ever get a clear picture that way. Honestly personally I won't even waste my time on it unless my heart is compelled to care about that person... and that requires a knowing. There are feelings for people that you can have without knowing them, and without them knowing you, but such things are as we know them to be. That's not love.

Throughout all of this you can still go and do everything right, and still you can run into problems along the way. That's the risk you take but you can at least lessen the workload. I do that by not dating. Again, it just seems pointless to me personally.

Just Lurking · 12-17-2008, 07:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShortestRaymond

On the other hand, if hooking up is the norm, it means your ability to gain sexual experience and eventually form a relationship is really dependent on having a social network.

I think most dates/couples are set up through mutual friends anyway. If you don't have a social circle, you're in for a difficult run.

With friends, you can let it be known you're single and looking. They'll look out for you and sooner or later, you'll be set up with a friend of a friend of a friend. Without that social circle, you're stuck with cold approaches and dating websites.

MeganC · 12-17-2008, 07:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fortysixand2

Nice read. I don't date to be honest with you. For one it's uncomfortably "official" for lack of a better word... but I just don't see how it counts.

Agreed. I've been on a few textbook dates and it just felt too uncomfortable, like the two of us were dictating our resumes to eachother. Then again, I've also tried casually hooking up which inevitably led to awkwardness and drifting apart. I have no preference here...both situations have their advantages and disadvantages and I think it's really just a matter of finding a person you "click" with.

fortysixand2 · 12-17-2008, 07:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MeganC

and I think it's really just a matter of finding a person you "click" with.

That seems to be all it really comes down to.

C.J. · 12-17-2008, 08:10 AM

I think hooking up causes far more anxiety b/c of the aftermath. The line is blurred...you are left wondering if someone really likes you, you're worried its going to be weird now, you wonder if something more will come of it. Ultimately, you will be let down. I think if you're going on dates, the intention is very clear. This person asked you out b/c they're interested in you, they must feel some attraction to you. Thats very clear. I like dating. I don't like random hookups.

WintersTale · 12-17-2008, 02:27 PM

I can't really make a distinction.

sanspants08 · 12-17-2008, 02:53 PM

I don't draw a distinction either, usually. I like to just hang out with someone and see what develops.

Noca · 12-17-2008, 02:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by slylikeafox

Same here

here too

ShortestRaymond · 12-18-2008, 04:50 AM

I think the distinction, as drawn in the article, is that a date is two people going out together one-on-one with the understanding they are interested in one another romantically.A 'hook up' is two people at a larger social event splitting off to have sex with each other.

They are social events that are structured in different ways and I think require slightly different skills.

In the 1950s dating would have been absolutely the social norm. It has probably been steadily declining in popularity since then.

I guess I was interested in what scenario was seen as preferable by people with SA issues.

12-17-2008, 05:33 AM	#1 (permalink)
ShortestRaymond Status: SAS Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 61	Dating vs. 'Hooking Up' I saw this article today about how younger people are abandoning dating as a form of socialising and are more likely to 'hook up' with someone in their friendship circle. It seemed to ring true with what I've observed in my own life. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/13/op...13blow.html?em Among the reasons given for this trend are people losing the ability to arrange future plans and actually ask someone out. I thought it was interesting from the perspective of implications for people with social anxiety. On the one hand, asking someone out and going on a date is a really high-pressure anxiety-provoking situation and if dating is the norm it's stressful for someone with SA. On the other hand, if hooking up is the norm, it means your ability to gain sexual experience and eventually form a relationship is really dependent on having a social network. What do you think is preferable? The article was viewing the trend as negative but I'm not sure.

12-17-2008, 06:38 AM	#2 (permalink)
thedaythatnevercomes Status: SAS Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: california Age: 21 Posts: 38	I think either is better than nothing which is where I am but Id rather date for sure if given a choice __________________ BUILD MY FEAR OF WHAT'S OUT THERE AND CANNOT BREATHE THE OPEN AIR WHISPER THINGS INTO MY BRAIN ASSURING ME THAT I'M INSANE

12-17-2008, 07:24 AM	#4 (permalink)
fortysixand2 Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: NY Gender: Male Age: 25 Posts: 78	Nice read. I don't date to be honest with you. For one it's uncomfortably "official" for lack of a better word... but I just don't see how it counts. I wonder if someone will know me if I give them a brief 5 or 10 minute description about me and my life? It's not exactly depressing, nor exactly heroic, nor exactly boring, but I just don't feel like they will ever get a clear picture that way. Honestly personally I won't even waste my time on it unless my heart is compelled to care about that person... and that requires a knowing. There are feelings for people that you can have without knowing them, and without them knowing you, but such things are as we know them to be. That's not love. Throughout all of this you can still go and do everything right, and still you can run into problems along the way. That's the risk you take but you can at least lessen the workload. I do that by not dating. Again, it just seems pointless to me personally.

12-17-2008, 08:10 AM	#8 (permalink)
C.J. Status: SAS Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Wisconsin Gender: Female Posts: 51	I think hooking up causes far more anxiety b/c of the aftermath. The line is blurred...you are left wondering if someone really likes you, you're worried its going to be weird now, you wonder if something more will come of it. Ultimately, you will be let down. I think if you're going on dates, the intention is very clear. This person asked you out b/c they're interested in you, they must feel some attraction to you. Thats very clear. I like dating. I don't like random hookups.

12-17-2008, 02:27 PM	#9 (permalink)
WintersTale Status: Falling into eternity Join Date: May 2007 Gender: Male Age: 27 Posts: 1,506	I can't really make a distinction.

12-17-2008, 02:53 PM	#10 (permalink)
sanspants08 Status: Has Ramen Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: York, PA/Gettysburg, PA Gender: Male Posts: 857	I don't draw a distinction either, usually. I like to just hang out with someone and see what develops.

12-18-2008, 04:50 AM	#12 (permalink)
ShortestRaymond Status: SAS Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 61	I think the distinction, as drawn in the article, is that a date is two people going out together one-on-one with the understanding they are interested in one another romantically.A 'hook up' is two people at a larger social event splitting off to have sex with each other. They are social events that are structured in different ways and I think require slightly different skills. In the 1950s dating would have been absolutely the social norm. It has probably been steadily declining in popularity since then. I guess I was interested in what scenario was seen as preferable by people with SA issues.