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Old 08-16-2009, 01:50 AM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Default Cutting out negative people in your life...

I seem to have problems cutting out negative people. Mostly because some negative people seem to be attached friend or family-wise to people I like. For example, if you have a friend you like, well he or she will have a friend they come with as a set.
Anyway, when you lack self-esteem and you have to hang out with somebody who belittles you and laughs at your goals and aspirations, it is very discouraging to keep going.

Say you want to be a fireman, and somebody laughs at you and tells you that you don't have what it takes, you're not strong enough, and they act like they're so much more qualified, more life experience, etc.
So you think you can do something until you run into this person and then they rain on your goals.
Then they say something and you sit down and go, "Oh wow...I don't think that I can do this any more..." and you second-guess yourself.

But I've recently decided I need to do what I can to cut these people out.
Any tips? Has anybody successfully done this? Told them off cold? I've thought about just being an absolute jerk back to them, that seems to make them back off...pre-emtive.

What do you think? Ways to cut them out? Ways to ignore them? Ways to make them see eye-level with you?
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Old 08-16-2009, 02:04 AM   #2 (permalink)
 
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I know exactly what you mean.. my family is fine but I have one friend I've known for 5 years and basically has this awful belittling cutting sense of "humor" and I basically just stopped inviting him to hang out and eventually we just kind of drifted, which was good for me. About them coming like a set with people you like, I'm not too sure. I would hope the people you don't like would stand up for you, maybe if you're too nervous to tell them you could hint at it? sorry, I don't think that was much help.
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Old 08-16-2009, 09:39 PM   #3 (permalink)
 
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Thanks guys. He isn't a friend, he is a bully. And I don't know why I put up with it. I guess having SA makes you a pin cushion sometimes...well not everybody, but me.
It comes with wanting everything in harmony and not wanting to rock the boat.
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Old 08-17-2009, 09:33 AM   #4 (permalink)
 
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Yes, I have just gone through this situation in the past year and a half--I realized most of my friends were either using me in one way or another, or they treated me lousy. I did come up with the strength to get rid of them and stick up for myself, however now that I have done so, I have just about no one left and am even more miserable than when I had them around. So if you do choose to cut them loose, make sure you are strong enough to survive without them. I found out the hard way that I am not.
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Old 08-19-2009, 03:44 AM   #5 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mysteryguy85 View Post
I seem to have problems cutting out negative people. Mostly because some negative people seem to be attached friend or family-wise to people I like. For example, if you have a friend you like, well he or she will have a friend they come with as a set.
Anyway, when you lack self-esteem and you have to hang out with somebody who belittles you and laughs at your goals and aspirations, it is very discouraging to keep going.

Say you want to be a fireman, and somebody laughs at you and tells you that you don't have what it takes, you're not strong enough, and they act like they're so much more qualified, more life experience, etc.
So you think you can do something until you run into this person and then they rain on your goals.
Then they say something and you sit down and go, "Oh wow...I don't think that I can do this any more..." and you second-guess yourself.

But I've recently decided I need to do what I can to cut these people out.
Any tips? Has anybody successfully done this? Told them off cold? I've thought about just being an absolute jerk back to them, that seems to make them back off...pre-emtive.

What do you think? Ways to cut them out? Ways to ignore them? Ways to make them see eye-level with you?
to do this you have to be blunt. you have to tell them straight.

i used to have a ''friend'' who would always verbally bully me , always , about anything and everything. one day i thought to myself '' iwant this guy out of my life for good''. why would i want someone like that in my life .

anyway one day he phoned me and i sed '' what the **** do you want ?'' and he sed ''whats up with you '' to which i replied'' **** you fat c@nt, who the **** are you , we are not friends so dont phone me again''

that was 5 years ago and i never heard from him since, he deffo got the message

it may sound a bit harsh or unneccasery or inapropriate but there are 2 things to consider here:

1) if i hadnt been that harsh he would not have got the message
2)it doesnt matter if it was harsh cos this person has never once considered your feelings so why should you consider theres ?

another time there was this guy in work who i didnt particulaly like and he sent me an email asking me if i wanted to buy these designer clothes that he was selling. now this guy never made an effort with me and sometimes walking past him int he corridor he woul dignore me or give me a little smerk as if he was laughing at me .

so i thought ''who the **** are you trying to make money off me when uve never even been friendly to me '' so i sent him an email back saying '' listen i want you to stop emailing me ok, me and you are no friends so do no email me ''

he got the message. everytime i seen him after that he felt awkward but i never .

i nver used to be able to do things like this though cos i had problems being assertive . i fixed that though using this batch remedie. i think its name was ''centuary''

a good way of getting negative people out of your life is to put yourself in an angry state. make a list of all things that make you angry e.g:

ive missed out on so much of life
other people my age have so much moe
i could end up alone forever cos of sa
people used to always bully me just cos i was shy
etc.....

just write dow stuff that makes you angry cos when you are angry you become harsh and selfish , and thats exactly the way you need to be to get negative people out of your life
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Old 08-19-2009, 05:45 AM   #6 (permalink)
 
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There was one person who I think was an alcoholic and was nice sober but got really drunk and didn't seem to care less about me. I can't remember much but think I stopped initiating contact and it dropped off. I think one of the warning signs was when he turned up drunk for breakfast.

Generally friends fizzle out anyway for me!

A tough one is my Mum as she manages to tap into my insecurities and I come away from the phone feeling worse, but she's my Mum. I just put up with it as her heart is in the right place. I can't cut my Mum out.
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Old 08-19-2009, 10:31 AM   #7 (permalink)
 
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As of now, as much as I wish to cut out that one negative person from my life I can't because I'm too dependant on them which sucks.
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Old 08-30-2009, 10:29 PM   #8 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mysteryguy85 View Post
I seem to have problems cutting out negative people. Mostly because some negative people seem to be attached friend or family-wise to people I like. For example, if you have a friend you like, well he or she will have a friend they come with as a set.
Anyway, when you lack self-esteem and you have to hang out with somebody who belittles you and laughs at your goals and aspirations, it is very discouraging to keep going.

Say you want to be a fireman, and somebody laughs at you and tells you that you don't have what it takes, you're not strong enough, and they act like they're so much more qualified, more life experience, etc.
So you think you can do something until you run into this person and then they rain on your goals.
Then they say something and you sit down and go, "Oh wow...I don't think that I can do this any more..." and you second-guess yourself.

But I've recently decided I need to do what I can to cut these people out.
Any tips? Has anybody successfully done this? Told them off cold? I've thought about just being an absolute jerk back to them, that seems to make them back off...pre-emtive.

What do you think? Ways to cut them out? Ways to ignore them? Ways to make them see eye-level with you?
Hi! This is my first post and this is exactly what I have gone through in the last few years.

My childhood "best friend" is one of the negative people I had to get rid of. I was finally going back to college and moved out of my parents home for the first time in my life and settled in a brand new city in my own apartment. I was doing well and managing my SAD. I even had a job and made some new friends. This was a few years ago and it was a really big step for me. Well, this friend of mine would call me every few weeks and ask how I was doing. And I'd let her know how many new friends I'd made and all of the really cool activities I was involved in. And she would always say something to the effect of "You?!! LOL! You don't even like to come out of your room! I can't ever see you going to a party! You'd just blend into the wallpaper!" Or if it was about my job she'd say something like, "Finally, you're working. Let's see how long this one lasts. I'm surprised you got the job being that your resume is practically nonexistent." Mean, I know.

This person called herself my friend and I labeled her as a friend. But real friends don't laugh at you or belittle you. I've known her since I was 3 years old and our families are very close. Her parents just recently spent the night at my parents' house a few weeks ago. And yet, I don't talk to her anymore. I simply cut her off because her friendship was damaging. I'm a grown woman now and my mother and her mother try to butt in and find out why I won't talk to my former best friend, but I stand firm because not only is it not their business, but it's what's best for me. I haven't spoken to her since my sisters wedding and that was just a few words here and there. She doesn't know why I won't speak to her and I don't feel I owe her an explanation.

All I or any of us here can do is try to live the best lives we can and deal with this horrible disease. Negative people make SAD that much more painful. So I don't feel guilty for cutting negative people out of my life and neither should anyone else here.
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Old 08-30-2009, 10:33 PM   #9 (permalink)
 
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I have one friend like this and it drives me nuts. I want to cut them out, but there are times when I like how they act. Plus, I'm so nice I really don't want to just tell them to leave me alone and then cut off all contact, though I know I should.
But anyway, try as hard as you can to kick negative people out of your life. They seriously just bring you down. They aren't there for support, they don't really care about you, and you're probably just a form of cheap entertainment to them.
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Old 08-31-2009, 02:05 AM   #10 (permalink)
 
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It's healthy and I think a good form of self-care to at least distance yourself from so-called friends like those mentioned in this thread. I'd want people who add to my life, not ones who inflict damage. Everyone has a right to step away from a toxic friendship.
I've had people in my life who have mistreated me, and in some cases it was difficult to just tell myself, "I don't deserve this and it ends NOW." It's important to remember, no matter how you may feel about yourself, that you deserve people who treat you with kindness and respect.
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Old 08-31-2009, 07:43 AM   #11 (permalink)
 
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I have this problem, but with family. It's been very, very hard. Anyone else I would absolutely abandon, but family?

Otherwise not having jerks in your life is absolutely a good idea.
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Old 08-31-2009, 08:18 AM   #12 (permalink)
 
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I've been drifting away from a friend of mine because she's just so negative. I guess she hates her life and wants to make sure that I hate mine too. The drifting has been somewhat mutual; neither of us really calls up the other, anymore.
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Old 08-31-2009, 08:27 AM   #13 (permalink)
 
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Slowly distance yourself, show disinterest in what the person has to say or do. It will show them that something is wrong. If they truly care will ask you about it and try to work on themselves and be more considerate, if not you keep on doing what you're doing until it changes the relationship and then it's easiest to walk away. This is the way I've done it.
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Old 08-31-2009, 05:32 PM   #14 (permalink)
 
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Its hard when its your family. You can choose your friends though. But keep in mind that everyone gets a lil negative from time to time. Dont leave them if they are going through a rough patch.
But for the general negative person, I just ignore people until they go away. Works for me.

I have an extreemly negative mother. I think shes narcissistic. She belittles everything I say and do. Or she'll just ignore me when Im speaking to her. I have to be careful with what I say to her because she picks out every fault and never forgets what you say to her EVER, yet conveniently forgets what she has said and done wrong to you. When she meets someone, she automatically picks out their faults and dislikes them for petty reasons. She can never say a nice word about anyone really. She favours her children but denies it. I am not her fave thats for sure. She'll always bring up my mistakes or traumatic events in my life. She'll go on and on about how great my brother is.. (Im very proud of my brother by the way, no jealousy there). She compares me to my brother and sister. She'll go out to an event or concert or something with my little sister and brag about how much of a wonderful time she had. But would never do anything with me. Nothing I ever do is good enough for her. Shes so inappropriate and has no sense of others privacy. Like she'll just barge into a bedroom without knocking or asking if she can go in there.. (even if I havnt lived with her since I was 16!). She never asks how Im doing. But gets pissy when I dont ask her specific questions about her life. She'll go on and on about how busy she is with work and how she is the boss of this and that. Shes an admin. Not a freakin CEO. I swear shes influenced alot of my bad decisions just to belittle me more. Back when I was a lil more gullible to her.
Her latest insult is to ignore me or change the subject, when Im excited talking about my pregnancy. Its like she doesnt want to know about it. But when I had my first ultrasound. I didnt even invite her and she just turned up at the clinic!
BUT SHES MY MOTHER, and I love her, I didnt choose her and I cannot shake her from my life even though shes a major problem for my self esteem. Moving interstate sounds like a good plan. I did it before. It was where I found the most positive experience in my life without any of the negative people around me.
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