Social Anxiety Support

victoriangirl · 01-10-2009, 10:46 AM

Hi,

I've had SA for the last 15 years. (I am 30 now) It is the fear, the tension social interactions bring along and finding myself avoiding such events because of the fear/stress etc.

But at the same time I know I am a loner. I like being alone most of the time. I love going for a walk on my own. I don't need to keep up with someone, I can listen to my music, can change destinations, stop whenever I want etc.
Same thing with shopping. I cannot shop when I am with someone (even my mom or sister). At work I eat lunch on my own reading the newspaper because I truly enjoy that. I also do love being at home on my own.

I was wondering how much of my 'loner' personality has to do with my SA? Is being a loner not healthy/normal either?

Anyone else feel this way?

ShortestRaymond · 01-10-2009, 11:36 AM

I think probably most people with SA are also naturally a bit introverted. And I think being able to be comfortable being alone and being able to do things independently is great.

I guess the difference is when you avoid something out of fear and anxiety, rather than when you choose not to do it (but are comfortable with the idea that you could if you wanted to).

The line often gets blurred. Sometimes I have trouble making decisions because of this - I never look forward to social events for instance, but I know that the more I skip the harder I make it for myself to ever say yes.

solasum · 01-10-2009, 11:49 AM

Yeah, I get it. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm really a loner or just really shy. But the more I think about it, the less I care about labels. For now, I'm content to just be a loner and get through school and work and be happy being a loner. But later in life, I could be different. I'll find contentment either way. I'll just see where life takes me.

Dreamer'sHideaway · 01-10-2009, 12:21 PM

Hey, good thread. I've wondered about this too.

Its weird how many people who are not socially anxious can feel ... insecure, I guess about sitting on their own e.g. in a food court. I LOVE sitting on my own in a food court because I can read or go on my laptop and eat without feeling like the person I'm sitting with is judging how I eat (messy, gross whatever).

I LOVE going for walks on my own, as well. Wandering in areas of the city near my hometown, and wandering around the University campus where there are so many people that don't know my name or recognize me.

I like it when people do not talk to me in class, as well. Sometimes it makes me happy when they talk to me - but most of the time I don't know what to say back other than "exactly" or "yeah, that's true" with a chuckle.

ShortestRaymond said "I guess the difference is when you avoid something out of fear and anxiety, rather than when you choose not to do it (but are comfortable with the idea that you could if you wanted to)."
^Which is what I agree with.

I have social phobia in terms of making new friends, dating, working on projects with others, presentations (the inevitable), stores (anxiety fluctuates a lot, I hate going to cashiers that are around my age). Those are things I avoid.

Being a loner for me is because of all the avoidance. Because when I'm with my friends from camp (who all have academic issues and similar social issues to me) I feel very happy and.. "accepted". I'm really outgoing with them, because they are pretty much incapable of being critical and as long as you're nice, they like you.

At university I assume people won't have anything in common with me. I think I "prove" this to myself whenever someone talks to me and I don't know what to say. I suppose I subconsciously tell myself "well, I didn't know what to say - therefore this person and I have nothing in common". Perhaps it keeps me safe, but perhaps I'm missing out.

victoriangirl · 01-10-2009, 01:15 PM

I guess I am a loner who also has SA. The line gets very blurry with me because I often question myself, thanks to others.

People cannot believe that I go for a walk on my own every day (I've lost a lot weight lately and everyone wants to know how) and ask weird when I say I like going on my own. Then there are all those sociological studies saying that humans are social creatures so they hang around each other, do things together. But I am not one of those human beings. I genuinely LOVE being on my own most of the time.

I guess wonder whether my SA would've less or non-existent if I were not a loner. If I genuinely liked & wanted to be around people, but was scarred to do so....

bwidger85 · 01-10-2009, 01:22 PM

Sometimes I find that the only reason I am social is to prove to myself that I can be. Other times it's because I want something from it. For me, I suppose it's a balance. I like to be introverted a lot and there are times I don't.

blackcap · 01-10-2009, 01:56 PM

Yeah I think they are separate things. You can be a loner with or without SA, or a social person with or without SA. For some reason, the loner with SA seems to be the most common combination though, and it's the category I fall into.

I know I'm a loner because even when anxiety is not an issue, I often prefer to be alone. I also need to find some alone time after I've been around people for long periods.

However SA is also a problem for me because I get anxious in most social situations, particularly where strangers are involved. I know I will never change the fact that I'm a loner, but I would love it if I could get rid of the SA. Having said that, without the SA I would probably less of a loner than I am now.

DepecheEyes · 01-10-2009, 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by victoriangirl

Hi,

I've had SA for the last 15 years. (I am 30 now) It is the fear, the tension social interactions bring along and finding myself avoiding such events because of the fear/stress etc.

But at the same time I know I am a loner. I like being alone most of the time. I love going for a walk on my own. I don't need to keep up with someone, I can listen to my music, can change destinations, stop whenever I want etc.
Same thing with shopping. I cannot shop when I am with someone (even my mom or sister). At work I eat lunch on my own reading the newspaper because I truly enjoy that. I also do love being at home on my own.

Interesting topic! It sounds like you're an introvert, since they get energized from being alone. But on to the questions!

Quote:

Originally Posted by victoriangirl

I was wondering how much of my 'loner' personality has to do with my SA?

I'm not really sure to be honest. If you mean that introversion causes social anxiety disorder, then I doubt it. So far, psychologists aren't sure what the causes are but there are extroverts with social anxiety disorder; in fact, I'm one of them. I hate to be alone!

Also, I've heard of introverts who are sociable and outgoing when the occasion arises but don't like to spend much of their time going to parties and being in a big group in general. They prefer to either be with a friend or two, or just be alone to focus on their thoughts, creativity, and other solitary activities.

Quote:

Originally Posted by victoriangirl

Is being a loner not healthy/normal either?

I think it is healthy so long as you keep it in balance. In other words, don't isolate yourself completely. You don't have to spend 24 hours a day in parties, but you certainly don't have to spend that same amount of time as a hermit either. We're sociable creatures, not tigers.

howard26 · 01-10-2009, 05:46 PM

when i was a teen, i remember a girl asking me "are you a lone wolf?" I never thought of myself like that, but apparently she saw something in me that made her ask. So now, i embrace it. It all makes sense now; i'm not a crowd person, I can't work with others, I'm not a team player. That's just how it is, and it's all i've known.

Johnny_Genome · 01-10-2009, 07:29 PM

I'm okay with being a loner, it's society who has a problem with it.

Perhaps things would have turned out different if I didn't have SA since early childhood. I actually get along with others quite well. People in general like me, and there are times when I like being around others. It just takes so much of my energy with SA. I need my alone time to just chill.

There's a part of me that loves that fact that I can do whatever I want whenever I want. But I'm often invited to things that I won't go to because I have no one to go with. It's a double-edged sword.

UltraShy · 01-10-2009, 07:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by victoriangirl

Is being a loner not healthy/normal either?

If you enjoy the quiet solitude of eating lunch alone while reading the newspaper that seems perfectly fine to me. After all, having a conversation what eating & reading is kind of hard to do, so probably best done alone.

If it works for you then I'd say it's healthy and normal.

Dashman28 · 01-10-2009, 09:12 PM

This is a fascinating thread, and I really appreciate everyone's thoughtful contributions. As for me, I really think I'm still in the process of figuring out who I am. SA has been such a limiting factor in terms of self-knowledge and -growth for so many years that I don't really know if I am a loner by nature or if avoidance has just been my coping mechanism. I think it is mostly the latter. I definitely believe that there is a direct correlation between introversion and SA, and I am introverted by nature (this precedes the onset of SA). But not all introverted people have SA, and they are not all loners!

kaye · 01-10-2009, 09:53 PM

Yes I've posted before studies have found about 18% of the population is "HSP" Highly Sensitive Person. They need more time alone, are more sensitive to their environment, etc.

here's the URL:

hsperson.com

Dreamer'sHideaway · 01-10-2009, 10:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rdrr

I think having SA turns you into a loner, and then you accept that, and then grow to enjoy it. But truthfully this is really a smokescreen because you know you want to build relationships, and can't because of the SA. Being a loner is bad when you are ill.

I totally agree

dax · 01-11-2009, 06:35 PM

I always loved my alone time back when I had an active social life. But if I had to give one up, it would be the alone time. Now I have nothing but alone time, all day, every day. I think everyone needs time to do their own thing away from friends, fam and SOs.

VIncymon · 04-20-2009, 04:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by victoriangirl

I guess I am a loner who also has SA. The line gets very blurry with me because I often question myself, thanks to others.

People cannot believe that I go for a walk on my own every day (I've lost a lot weight lately and everyone wants to know how) and ask weird when I say I like going on my own. Then there are all those sociological studies saying that humans are social creatures so they hang around each other, do things together. But I am not one of those human beings. I genuinely LOVE being on my own most of the time.

I guess wonder whether my SA would've less or non-existent if I were not a loner. If I genuinely liked & wanted to be around people, but was scarred to do so....

That's you guys. I don't even know if I have S.A. what I do know is that I enjoy being alone and this site seems full of people that share theis personality type.

Now I understand why batman was always my favourite super hero.

But of course "humans are social creatures"

VIncymon · 04-20-2009, 04:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DepecheEyes

Interesting topic! It sounds like you're an introvert, since they get energized from being alone. But on to the questions!

I'm not really sure to be honest. If you mean that introversion causes social anxiety disorder, then I doubt it. So far, psychologists aren't sure what the causes are but there are extroverts with social anxiety disorder; in fact, I'm one of them. I hate to be alone!

Also, I've heard of introverts who are sociable and outgoing when the occasion arises but don't like to spend much of their time going to parties and being in a big group in general. They prefer to either be with a friend or two, or just be alone to focus on their thoughts, creativity, and other solitary activities.

I think it is healthy so long as you keep it in balance. In other words, don't isolate yourself completely. You don't have to spend 24 hours a day in parties, but you certainly don't have to spend that same amount of time as a hermit either. We're sociable creatures, not tigers.

Nicely said. As far as I am concerned, 1 - 3 close friends, a girlfriend (whenever that happens) and family are all I need socially. The rest of my time I can more than enjoy in my "lonesome activities" i.e. drawing, playing guitar listening to music, drawing.

Dreamer'sHideaway · 04-20-2009, 07:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VIncymon

That's you guys. I don't even know if I have S.A. what I do know is that I enjoy being alone and this site seems full of people that share theis personality type.

Now I understand why batman was always my favourite super hero.

But of course "humans are social creatures"

I totally feel the same way. I find that being around people is exhausting, and when you're "forced" into a social situation (work, school etc) and you see people around you laughing when they hardly know each other, I find it soooo depressing. I feel so weird sitting there awkward when everyone else seems to be having a riot as though they've known these new people forever. When I get home, all I want to do for the next month is stay at the computer and not think about anyone. "humans are social creatures". I know its not true with me. Occasionally I feel good after socializing, but I have a much better day if I'm doing things on my own. I can laugh at my own jokes, and listen to my own music. No complaints, no bossyness, no nagging, no awkwardness. Ever wish you could clone yourself and socialize with clones of you? I do, lol.

LoneLioness · 04-20-2009, 11:54 AM

I love being alone but that might be because 99% of people either bore me or I dislike them. When I meet someone I actually like(rare for me) I want to be around them as much as possible.

gaz · 04-20-2009, 12:06 PM

Being a loner does not always mean the person is social phobic, some people are loners because they are just introverted in nature.

I'm a bit confused whether i am a loner because i am social phobic o'r whether i have just come to get used to being alone. I actually wish i had a girlfriend more than anything because i get very depressed being alone all the time.

01-10-2009, 10:46 AM	#1 (permalink)
victoriangirl Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 56	Being a loner vs SA Hi, I've had SA for the last 15 years. (I am 30 now) It is the fear, the tension social interactions bring along and finding myself avoiding such events because of the fear/stress etc. But at the same time I know I am a loner. I like being alone most of the time. I love going for a walk on my own. I don't need to keep up with someone, I can listen to my music, can change destinations, stop whenever I want etc. Same thing with shopping. I cannot shop when I am with someone (even my mom or sister). At work I eat lunch on my own reading the newspaper because I truly enjoy that. I also do love being at home on my own. I was wondering how much of my 'loner' personality has to do with my SA? Is being a loner not healthy/normal either? Anyone else feel this way?

01-10-2009, 12:21 PM	#4 (permalink)
Dreamer'sHideaway Status: Dreamers Hideaway Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: University of Guelph, Canada; Hometown Markham (just north of Toronto) Ontario Gender: Female Posts: 218	Hey, good thread. I've wondered about this too. Its weird how many people who are not socially anxious can feel ... insecure, I guess about sitting on their own e.g. in a food court. I LOVE sitting on my own in a food court because I can read or go on my laptop and eat without feeling like the person I'm sitting with is judging how I eat (messy, gross whatever). I LOVE going for walks on my own, as well. Wandering in areas of the city near my hometown, and wandering around the University campus where there are so many people that don't know my name or recognize me. I like it when people do not talk to me in class, as well. Sometimes it makes me happy when they talk to me - but most of the time I don't know what to say back other than "exactly" or "yeah, that's true" with a chuckle. ShortestRaymond said "I guess the difference is when you avoid something out of fear and anxiety, rather than when you choose not to do it (but are comfortable with the idea that you could if you wanted to)." ^Which is what I agree with. I have social phobia in terms of making new friends, dating, working on projects with others, presentations (the inevitable), stores (anxiety fluctuates a lot, I hate going to cashiers that are around my age). Those are things I avoid. Being a loner for me is because of all the avoidance. Because when I'm with my friends from camp (who all have academic issues and similar social issues to me) I feel very happy and.. "accepted". I'm really outgoing with them, because they are pretty much incapable of being critical and as long as you're nice, they like you. At university I assume people won't have anything in common with me. I think I "prove" this to myself whenever someone talks to me and I don't know what to say. I suppose I subconsciously tell myself "well, I didn't know what to say - therefore this person and I have nothing in common". Perhaps it keeps me safe, but perhaps I'm missing out. __________________ Time pays us with earth, dust and a dark silent grave.

01-10-2009, 01:22 PM	#6 (permalink)
bwidger85 Status: SAS Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Ohio Gender: Male Age: 24 Posts: 706	Sometimes I find that the only reason I am social is to prove to myself that I can be. Other times it's because I want something from it. For me, I suppose it's a balance. I like to be introverted a lot and there are times I don't. __________________ Album #3 (download my complete third album as it is right now!)

01-11-2009, 06:35 PM	#15 (permalink)
dax Status: Losing Ground Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Boston Gender: Male Posts: 2,237	I always loved my alone time back when I had an active social life. But if I had to give one up, it would be the alone time. Now I have nothing but alone time, all day, every day. I think everyone needs time to do their own thing away from friends, fam and SOs. __________________ My Youtube Page I just don't fit in this place Their thoughts cast me out of here Their home has run out of space My mind's already out of here Won't you come along dear? Won't you come along?

04-20-2009, 11:54 AM	#19 (permalink)
LoneLioness Status: Hiding In My Den Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Niagara Falls Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 5,165	I love being alone but that might be because 99% of people either bore me or I dislike them. When I meet someone I actually like(rare for me) I want to be around them as much as possible. __________________ My Blog: http://pessimistsarethetruerealists.blogspot.com

01-10-2009, 11:36 AM	#2 (permalink)
ShortestRaymond Status: SAS Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 61	I think probably most people with SA are also naturally a bit introverted. And I think being able to be comfortable being alone and being able to do things independently is great. I guess the difference is when you avoid something out of fear and anxiety, rather than when you choose not to do it (but are comfortable with the idea that you could if you wanted to). The line often gets blurred. Sometimes I have trouble making decisions because of this - I never look forward to social events for instance, but I know that the more I skip the harder I make it for myself to ever say yes.

01-10-2009, 11:49 AM	#3 (permalink)
solasum Status: SAS Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Louisville, Kentucky Posts: 914	Yeah, I get it. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm really a loner or just really shy. But the more I think about it, the less I care about labels. For now, I'm content to just be a loner and get through school and work and be happy being a loner. But later in life, I could be different. I'll find contentment either way. I'll just see where life takes me.

01-10-2009, 01:15 PM	#5 (permalink)
victoriangirl Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 56	I guess I am a loner who also has SA. The line gets very blurry with me because I often question myself, thanks to others. People cannot believe that I go for a walk on my own every day (I've lost a lot weight lately and everyone wants to know how) and ask weird when I say I like going on my own. Then there are all those sociological studies saying that humans are social creatures so they hang around each other, do things together. But I am not one of those human beings. I genuinely LOVE being on my own most of the time. I guess wonder whether my SA would've less or non-existent if I were not a loner. If I genuinely liked & wanted to be around people, but was scarred to do so....

01-10-2009, 01:56 PM	#7 (permalink)
blackcap Status: SAS Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 87	Yeah I think they are separate things. You can be a loner with or without SA, or a social person with or without SA. For some reason, the loner with SA seems to be the most common combination though, and it's the category I fall into. I know I'm a loner because even when anxiety is not an issue, I often prefer to be alone. I also need to find some alone time after I've been around people for long periods. However SA is also a problem for me because I get anxious in most social situations, particularly where strangers are involved. I know I will never change the fact that I'm a loner, but I would love it if I could get rid of the SA. Having said that, without the SA I would probably less of a loner than I am now.

01-10-2009, 05:46 PM	#9 (permalink)
howard26 Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 98	when i was a teen, i remember a girl asking me "are you a lone wolf?" I never thought of myself like that, but apparently she saw something in me that made her ask. So now, i embrace it. It all makes sense now; i'm not a crowd person, I can't work with others, I'm not a team player. That's just how it is, and it's all i've known.

01-10-2009, 07:29 PM	#10 (permalink)
Johnny_Genome Status: I am, etc. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: LA Gender: Male Age: 31 Posts: 1,264	I'm okay with being a loner, it's society who has a problem with it. Perhaps things would have turned out different if I didn't have SA since early childhood. I actually get along with others quite well. People in general like me, and there are times when I like being around others. It just takes so much of my energy with SA. I need my alone time to just chill. There's a part of me that loves that fact that I can do whatever I want whenever I want. But I'm often invited to things that I won't go to because I have no one to go with. It's a double-edged sword.

01-10-2009, 09:12 PM	#12 (permalink)
Dashman28 Status: SAS Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Florida Gender: Male Posts: 92	This is a fascinating thread, and I really appreciate everyone's thoughtful contributions. As for me, I really think I'm still in the process of figuring out who I am. SA has been such a limiting factor in terms of self-knowledge and -growth for so many years that I don't really know if I am a loner by nature or if avoidance has just been my coping mechanism. I think it is mostly the latter. I definitely believe that there is a direct correlation between introversion and SA, and I am introverted by nature (this precedes the onset of SA). But not all introverted people have SA, and they are not all loners!

01-10-2009, 09:53 PM	#13 (permalink)
kaye Status: SAS Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: NoCal Age: 47 Posts: 271	Yes I've posted before studies have found about 18% of the population is "HSP" Highly Sensitive Person. They need more time alone, are more sensitive to their environment, etc. here's the URL: hsperson.com

04-20-2009, 12:06 PM	#20 (permalink)
gaz Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Wales, Uk Gender: Male Age: 28 Posts: 994	Being a loner does not always mean the person is social phobic, some people are loners because they are just introverted in nature. I'm a bit confused whether i am a loner because i am social phobic o'r whether i have just come to get used to being alone. I actually wish i had a girlfriend more than anything because i get very depressed being alone all the time.